growing post.
if i dont do this i will never feel motivated to write it all.
i thought about what name to give to this post. Maybe something like Retrospective Diary of a Despairing Aunty in Echuca will really do it justice, but... i wont i wont. Its too sad already even if i dont give it such a pathetic name.
In Retrospect
I am no longer suicidal, no longer in despair, but I am probably still depressed.
Even when I have a day with only 2 patients I am still depressed.
Depressed to the point that i dont want to watch any TV or movies on weekends in case they turned out to be bad and then it would be intended sleeping time all wasted.
Depressed to the point that I think I dont even love Masha anymore and I dont look forward to his new CD or his new "blog" entries or his 2010 taiga drama.
However---
I have stopped blurting out swearing words.
I have stopped sitting in my car and telling God: just make my car hit the next tree so i can die. surely you have enough people doing your work. i can't do it anymore. don't make me do it, just let me die.
I have stopped crying my eyes out in public. (lol this may have been said too early)
I have...kind of...looked forward again to God's promises.
I have found new joys in reading fob girly magazines and buying skin care products.
and I still can feel so happy when---
having a big fatty meal with irene;
gossiping with wei in half chinese about roundness;
seeing edmund smiling so kindly at met calls;
visiting my gp supervisor and secretly wanting to pinch her chubby daughter on the cheeks;
playing cards and eating junk food with meddies at wan's house.
Maybe I am not actually depressed. Its just still the slow process of ferritin + platlets going down after ASR.
I love God, but I am completely insightless!
when i heard stories about ppl who were embodiments of Christian faith i was always sceptical and suspected some major underlying dogginess going on in that person's life.
I never suspected dogginess in John Newton.
It surely turned out rather dodgy.
It really angered me why was I not told the truth to start off with.
Surely there is a difference between :
becoming an anti-slavery campaigner after conversion to Christianity;
becoming a slave ship master after conversion to Christianity, and over the course of next 20-30 years developed anti-slavery views.
John Newton is not dodgy. He is much more of a human figure to me now. I respect him more for the developing insight in such an insightless person to begin with.
And God is more amazing because of this.
But Christian articles or books (and especially children books) which evade the facts, deliberately or not, I am sorry I don't want to read a single word.
If i end up having kids, i would rather they read decameron than read such crap. If they get such crap for presents/prizes, i will throw them out. What a horrid shame if my kids end up mis-educating others about "John Newton" with ignorant Christian pride...*shudder*
A Small Step
I had a good wk after the above 2 stories.
Had a really busy take day, but surprisingly i enjoyed it. a lot of interesting patients with not entirely surgical issues, some indeed quite medical.
I have enjoyed a day of work, not because of psych, not because of the company.
just because of the patients and their medical issues waiting to be sorted out.
surprisingly so.
or maybe not so surprising given my "surprising" ability to work, in such sharp contrast to my passive unethusiastic reluctant-to-speak student years.
and maybe, surg is not going to result in mental breakdown as my lovely co-intern has so feared for me.
maybe surg can be therapeutic.
but I have not been good. I still so easily turn to where my comfort is.
Sunday, September 06, 2009
Wednesday, August 26, 2009
Dear Lord
Dear Lord
Can I have a day...
when i don't so easily burst into tears...
when i am don't always hate you so easily...
when my devotion means something to me...
when i can actually remember the wonderful things you did for me...
when i can stop being ungrateful that you saved my life on the way back from echuca...
when i can feel your strength sustain me...
when your presence becomes more important than the circumstances...
Can I have such a day, plus not faint in theatre.
Can I have a day...
when i don't so easily burst into tears...
when i am don't always hate you so easily...
when my devotion means something to me...
when i can actually remember the wonderful things you did for me...
when i can stop being ungrateful that you saved my life on the way back from echuca...
when i can feel your strength sustain me...
when your presence becomes more important than the circumstances...
Can I have such a day, plus not faint in theatre.
Wednesday, July 01, 2009
ah, i am trying to be honest here
Why does Masha always speak to the heart?
When it comes to things like self-reflection, personally speaking,
whatever I can remember about the past, are usually not very happy events!
“Ah~so good! That time…was absolutely awesome!” memories like such,
I usually completely forget.
I belong to that generation…when you always want to apologize to people..*laugh*
I never thought that after I grew up, whatever I can remember the most are always things regretful.
Even though I am saying this, I knew I can never go back and start again,
but I would never stop and not move forward just because of that!
Of course, because we are human, there will always be unforgettable regrets remaining in our hearts…
When we did not apologize to people, when we feel we could have done things better… etc
but we cannot stop because of that, we still have to face the future…
A future of better lives, to be of comfort to our past regrets---
most of us would just want to be happy and hopeful.
Talking about music and lyrics and topics as such,
for everything to end on a hopeful note, I think its quite unnecessary
I usually want to make things go in a hopeful direction when I am writing songs,
but now I think it’s ok if I stop trying so hard
When you can’t look forward,
It’s alright to have an ending!
I think its absolutely necessary to have hopeful dreams of the future,
but to always remain hopeful is not easy.
Sometimes we realise things are not easily done, we may still need to accept reality etc
At those times, we won’t be able to walk forward with our heads up,
So what can we do about our inability to stay positive?
Its probably not that bad if we just keep things as they are.
After all not everything has to end on a hopeful note!
My favourite star/most respected person/role model is a non-Christian.
After the initial attraction of cute Prof Galileo, knowing Masha and learning from his life+ thoughts is quite life-changing.
Hey no one ever told me that before! Hey I want to grow up to be like this person! Hey when I am old if I can share inspirational thoughts like him it will be great!
Such thoughts are very rare for skeptical critical me.
The surprising insight + honesty are really two things I do not see very often in the world around me, but what I think are the most important qualities one should have.
I’ve been living in some fear for a long time.
If my role-model is a non-Christian, then does it mean I will find “something else” acceptable? If in the unlikely situation it happens to me.
Or maybe I should stop being anxious of possible future anxiety.
Masha’s words can surprisingly shed light on my spiritual life.
Although I know if I do not have God the weak useless me would not have survived life… and would not be able to become the person I myself am comfortable with…
whatever I can remember about my past Christian walk, are usually not very happy events!
“Ah~so good! That time…was absolutely awesome and uplifting!” memories like such,
I usually completely forget!
or feel very detached about.
Especially during the stressful low times when I most need to recall His amazing past grace, even when I compile a physical list I find it impossible to compile an emotional list.
And the repetitive flashbacks I get the most are the disappointments, the frustrations, the impatience, the failures, the past horrible things I myself have done, the past horrible things other Christians have said in absolute authority etc etc etc…
I just haven’t tried hard enough to forgive + trust.
Or should I say most of the time the words + concept of forgiveness + trust + thanksgiving did not cross my mind at all.
There are many things I need to feel ashamed about, truly ashamed about.
Especially as I am not really doing much about it.
Not only have I forgotten how good + unconditional God has been over the years, I think I have also forgotten how good + unconditional the Christians around me have been over the years.
In or out of the church(but especially within church), I think its just impossible to count how many times people gave me the love and support without expecting returns, and repetitively accepted and tolerated my weaknesses + bad behaviour.
In front of these people I am probably the most immature, irresponsible, rude, passive aggressive, scrutinizing and ungrateful---
While without much self-awareness or remorse.
Despite my usually frequent sorries and thank-yous.
Sorry minna-san.
And I hope I really meant it.
And Masha is really a blessing. :)
When it comes to things like self-reflection, personally speaking,
whatever I can remember about the past, are usually not very happy events!
“Ah~so good! That time…was absolutely awesome!” memories like such,
I usually completely forget.
I belong to that generation…when you always want to apologize to people..*laugh*
I never thought that after I grew up, whatever I can remember the most are always things regretful.
Even though I am saying this, I knew I can never go back and start again,
but I would never stop and not move forward just because of that!
Of course, because we are human, there will always be unforgettable regrets remaining in our hearts…
When we did not apologize to people, when we feel we could have done things better… etc
but we cannot stop because of that, we still have to face the future…
A future of better lives, to be of comfort to our past regrets---
most of us would just want to be happy and hopeful.
Talking about music and lyrics and topics as such,
for everything to end on a hopeful note, I think its quite unnecessary
I usually want to make things go in a hopeful direction when I am writing songs,
but now I think it’s ok if I stop trying so hard
When you can’t look forward,
It’s alright to have an ending!
I think its absolutely necessary to have hopeful dreams of the future,
but to always remain hopeful is not easy.
Sometimes we realise things are not easily done, we may still need to accept reality etc
At those times, we won’t be able to walk forward with our heads up,
So what can we do about our inability to stay positive?
Its probably not that bad if we just keep things as they are.
After all not everything has to end on a hopeful note!
My favourite star/most respected person/role model is a non-Christian.
After the initial attraction of cute Prof Galileo, knowing Masha and learning from his life+ thoughts is quite life-changing.
Hey no one ever told me that before! Hey I want to grow up to be like this person! Hey when I am old if I can share inspirational thoughts like him it will be great!
Such thoughts are very rare for skeptical critical me.
The surprising insight + honesty are really two things I do not see very often in the world around me, but what I think are the most important qualities one should have.
I’ve been living in some fear for a long time.
If my role-model is a non-Christian, then does it mean I will find “something else” acceptable? If in the unlikely situation it happens to me.
Or maybe I should stop being anxious of possible future anxiety.
Masha’s words can surprisingly shed light on my spiritual life.
Although I know if I do not have God the weak useless me would not have survived life… and would not be able to become the person I myself am comfortable with…
whatever I can remember about my past Christian walk, are usually not very happy events!
“Ah~so good! That time…was absolutely awesome and uplifting!” memories like such,
I usually completely forget!
or feel very detached about.
Especially during the stressful low times when I most need to recall His amazing past grace, even when I compile a physical list I find it impossible to compile an emotional list.
And the repetitive flashbacks I get the most are the disappointments, the frustrations, the impatience, the failures, the past horrible things I myself have done, the past horrible things other Christians have said in absolute authority etc etc etc…
I just haven’t tried hard enough to forgive + trust.
Or should I say most of the time the words + concept of forgiveness + trust + thanksgiving did not cross my mind at all.
There are many things I need to feel ashamed about, truly ashamed about.
Especially as I am not really doing much about it.
Not only have I forgotten how good + unconditional God has been over the years, I think I have also forgotten how good + unconditional the Christians around me have been over the years.
In or out of the church(but especially within church), I think its just impossible to count how many times people gave me the love and support without expecting returns, and repetitively accepted and tolerated my weaknesses + bad behaviour.
In front of these people I am probably the most immature, irresponsible, rude, passive aggressive, scrutinizing and ungrateful---
While without much self-awareness or remorse.
Despite my usually frequent sorries and thank-yous.
Sorry minna-san.
And I hope I really meant it.
And Masha is really a blessing. :)
Sunday, May 31, 2009
all of my days
echuca in 1 week.
i remembered the start of my clinical years, when grp 9 + 11 happily walked on the night streets of bendigo; me and tiff randomly sang P&W as we walked, one of the songs we sang was "all of my days".
and all the cooking me and irene did in bendigo and alexandra: the dumplings with fat oozing out... the fried rice with 6 eggs... the boiled veggies... the midnight ice cream and cheesecakes...
i am just getting old and sentimental.
i youtubed "all of my days" and ended up teary in front of my computer.
those gloomy despairing days when i was plagued by a wide assortment of fears... when i dreaded walking into every tute room... when i dreaded talking to anyone/everyone... when i secretly felt i wanted to jump down from top of austin day before osces...
and yet those are behind me now.
but probably waiting for me again ahead.
we had hot pot w/ our reg the other day.
something i just have to happily show off to everyone about.
it's probably going to be exactly the same as when i left psych.
pathologically dependent of the past, unappreciative of the present.
maybe by the end of echuca i will also have a good cry and hate to leave etc.
its just the norm for me now. 囧
I had not liked my 6 student years at all.
I just wanted to graduate with my friends.
I did not forsee that one day i can end up liking med, enjoying med---
despite the constant supply of failures, abuse and humiliations.
When i was a student I can channel all my emotions elsewhere to things i liked.
I can just be apathetic and detached in my real life.
Now that I am working I dont have the time to do so.
I became emotionally labile.
Maybe I have always been, I just didnt know.
i never realised I am so horridly dependent on others.
maybe echuca will do me some good---
without a reg who will say: dont worry lets get a needle and some iodine and do the shoulder aspirate now, knowing i had some traumatic unsuccessful runs w/ ortho and radiology;
and without a co-intern who readily picks up the phone just to be told off by urology/surg/MRI radiologist, after listening to my various PTSD grumblings...
now its time to wean off.
i feel completely unworthy of such blessings.
but thanks to jules who prayed for me the other night.
even without people around me, the Lord will go before me.
THANK YOU.
i did not know things can one day turn out like this.
and yet my faith is still so fluctuating despite all Your goodness. >___<
Forgive me.
masha spoke of a very very endearing topic:
Last night when I went home...those unwashed clothes...were in a big pile(laugh).
Some clothes can't go in the tumble dryer, but some won't matter, right?
usually takes a machine an hour or so to finish washing.
I thought if i wait a hr for it, then go to sleep, should be alright.
who knows~ I had my dinner, drank a bit of wine, fell asleep on the table.
...as i felt "ah so cold!" I woke up: I just fell asleep like that on the dinner table!
i was like: oh no! dunno if the washing was done yet...
when I went to brush my teeth, I finally looked into the washing machine,
separated the clothes for hanging dry/tumble dry, started the dryer,
brushed my teeth, and went to bed...
I was thinking at that time: Give me back my concert~~~
i just became very impatient with myself doing household chores.
Its true! One moment I was on the stage telling people: SEE YOU NEXT TIME!
---the next moment I ended up shivering at home*laugh*, and still had to wash my clothes...*more laugh*
...at that moment i really wanted to say WHY DONT I JUST DIE...indeed...
though we have machines helping us cleaning up, we really dont have robots who know how to separate clothes for hanging dry/tumble dry!
even masha is so 囧 w/ housework... :D
i remembered the start of my clinical years, when grp 9 + 11 happily walked on the night streets of bendigo; me and tiff randomly sang P&W as we walked, one of the songs we sang was "all of my days".
and all the cooking me and irene did in bendigo and alexandra: the dumplings with fat oozing out... the fried rice with 6 eggs... the boiled veggies... the midnight ice cream and cheesecakes...
i am just getting old and sentimental.
i youtubed "all of my days" and ended up teary in front of my computer.
those gloomy despairing days when i was plagued by a wide assortment of fears... when i dreaded walking into every tute room... when i dreaded talking to anyone/everyone... when i secretly felt i wanted to jump down from top of austin day before osces...
and yet those are behind me now.
but probably waiting for me again ahead.
we had hot pot w/ our reg the other day.
something i just have to happily show off to everyone about.
it's probably going to be exactly the same as when i left psych.
pathologically dependent of the past, unappreciative of the present.
maybe by the end of echuca i will also have a good cry and hate to leave etc.
its just the norm for me now. 囧
I had not liked my 6 student years at all.
I just wanted to graduate with my friends.
I did not forsee that one day i can end up liking med, enjoying med---
despite the constant supply of failures, abuse and humiliations.
When i was a student I can channel all my emotions elsewhere to things i liked.
I can just be apathetic and detached in my real life.
Now that I am working I dont have the time to do so.
I became emotionally labile.
Maybe I have always been, I just didnt know.
i never realised I am so horridly dependent on others.
maybe echuca will do me some good---
without a reg who will say: dont worry lets get a needle and some iodine and do the shoulder aspirate now, knowing i had some traumatic unsuccessful runs w/ ortho and radiology;
and without a co-intern who readily picks up the phone just to be told off by urology/surg/MRI radiologist, after listening to my various PTSD grumblings...
now its time to wean off.
i feel completely unworthy of such blessings.
but thanks to jules who prayed for me the other night.
even without people around me, the Lord will go before me.
THANK YOU.
i did not know things can one day turn out like this.
and yet my faith is still so fluctuating despite all Your goodness. >___<
Forgive me.
masha spoke of a very very endearing topic:
Last night when I went home...those unwashed clothes...were in a big pile(laugh).
Some clothes can't go in the tumble dryer, but some won't matter, right?
usually takes a machine an hour or so to finish washing.
I thought if i wait a hr for it, then go to sleep, should be alright.
who knows~ I had my dinner, drank a bit of wine, fell asleep on the table.
...as i felt "ah so cold!" I woke up: I just fell asleep like that on the dinner table!
i was like: oh no! dunno if the washing was done yet...
when I went to brush my teeth, I finally looked into the washing machine,
separated the clothes for hanging dry/tumble dry, started the dryer,
brushed my teeth, and went to bed...
I was thinking at that time: Give me back my concert~~~
i just became very impatient with myself doing household chores.
Its true! One moment I was on the stage telling people: SEE YOU NEXT TIME!
---the next moment I ended up shivering at home*laugh*, and still had to wash my clothes...*more laugh*
...at that moment i really wanted to say WHY DONT I JUST DIE...indeed...
though we have machines helping us cleaning up, we really dont have robots who know how to separate clothes for hanging dry/tumble dry!
even masha is so 囧 w/ housework... :D
Friday, May 15, 2009
this is the air i breath...
it took me a long long time to start liking med.
the impression can easily be that because i had a good week i am feeling more positive.
but i think i made the decision end of last week that this is my life, and for the remaining 5 wks in med i will enjoy it as much as i can.
so bad. when i start to like something its usually time for me to go.
maybe the turning point was...after all...the wedding on saturday.
i struggled for quite a while whether or not to go and inspect that front row with increased activity.
when he collapsed onto someone's shoulder i think i stopped struggling.
to my own surprise i actually could make some clinical judgements and knew of what to do in that initial moment of panicked frenzy.
but the feeling really disturbingly became 'chick finding its mother hen'(囧) when lovely ED trained dr jason turned up on the scene and said the lovely words:
ppl in seizure usually can protect their airways, don't worry.
:D having a senior doctor around can really make me feel very very happy.
after all i didn't seriously panick that day, given my atrocious GAD past history. knowing jason was sitting across, danielle was just outside the door, oh and...
andy lim was there somewhere at the back.
:D
i now faintly feel like a doctor.
maybe it is an improvement from early in the year, when i was still so ashamed to call myself by that name.
edmund did many long cases this wk.
and he went to his tutes with his reg friends.
and he signed up to 1 LC 3 SC presentations next wk.
me and wei are very happy, our consciences finally clean. ^-^
wei has been so... altruistic these 2 wks. (and also making personality incongruent remarks..O.O)
to the point that i think about what he did and just want to cry. -__-|||||
no wei has always been altruistic.
but when the target of his altruism is not me but students or histronic nurse in charge i really would like to do this:
*hiding my face in shame*
I am a very 囧 aunty... as always.
but i got to listen to student LC as well this week~ and gave them my mcq practice papers~ and they were really thankful~ and i was all hearts and flowers afterwards...
maybe i am just a very soft-hearted 囧 aunty.
despite feeling so nice and soft hearted and not pressured nor anxious...
my yelling at nurses behaviour escalated.
today i had a yelling competition w/ a nurse who threatened to cancel an ambulance for transfer if i did not do a d/c/s when she demanded.
in the end she said she will discuss w/ the nurse in charge and never got bk to me.
i was all furious thinking she just went away and cancelled the ambulance without informing us.
so 5min after posttake i was fuming inside and went straight up there all prepared for a futile 2nd round, dragging wei with me for backup and/or on-call anger management.
only to discover ambulance was ready and discharge stuff was ready and pt was ready to go w/ nil issues.
囧X10 + guilt for being so disinhibited...
but maybe deep down i secretly took pride in it...
*horror*
Lord help me.
the impression can easily be that because i had a good week i am feeling more positive.
but i think i made the decision end of last week that this is my life, and for the remaining 5 wks in med i will enjoy it as much as i can.
so bad. when i start to like something its usually time for me to go.
maybe the turning point was...after all...the wedding on saturday.
i struggled for quite a while whether or not to go and inspect that front row with increased activity.
when he collapsed onto someone's shoulder i think i stopped struggling.
to my own surprise i actually could make some clinical judgements and knew of what to do in that initial moment of panicked frenzy.
but the feeling really disturbingly became 'chick finding its mother hen'(囧) when lovely ED trained dr jason turned up on the scene and said the lovely words:
ppl in seizure usually can protect their airways, don't worry.
:D having a senior doctor around can really make me feel very very happy.
after all i didn't seriously panick that day, given my atrocious GAD past history. knowing jason was sitting across, danielle was just outside the door, oh and...
andy lim was there somewhere at the back.
:D
i now faintly feel like a doctor.
maybe it is an improvement from early in the year, when i was still so ashamed to call myself by that name.
edmund did many long cases this wk.
and he went to his tutes with his reg friends.
and he signed up to 1 LC 3 SC presentations next wk.
me and wei are very happy, our consciences finally clean. ^-^
wei has been so... altruistic these 2 wks. (and also making personality incongruent remarks..O.O)
to the point that i think about what he did and just want to cry. -__-|||||
no wei has always been altruistic.
but when the target of his altruism is not me but students or histronic nurse in charge i really would like to do this:
*hiding my face in shame*I am a very 囧 aunty... as always.
but i got to listen to student LC as well this week~ and gave them my mcq practice papers~ and they were really thankful~ and i was all hearts and flowers afterwards...
maybe i am just a very soft-hearted 囧 aunty.
despite feeling so nice and soft hearted and not pressured nor anxious...
my yelling at nurses behaviour escalated.
today i had a yelling competition w/ a nurse who threatened to cancel an ambulance for transfer if i did not do a d/c/s when she demanded.
in the end she said she will discuss w/ the nurse in charge and never got bk to me.
i was all furious thinking she just went away and cancelled the ambulance without informing us.
so 5min after posttake i was fuming inside and went straight up there all prepared for a futile 2nd round, dragging wei with me for backup and/or on-call anger management.
only to discover ambulance was ready and discharge stuff was ready and pt was ready to go w/ nil issues.
囧X10 + guilt for being so disinhibited...
but maybe deep down i secretly took pride in it...
*horror*
Lord help me.
Tuesday, April 28, 2009
pieces
everytime i drive my car there is an impending sense of doom.
on the road i think every car behind me is a police car. when i park i think i will reverse into someone sooner or later, almost did it to tiff's the other day, most likely it will be wei's car, and then it will all be very 囧.
i think my car looks like an dirty toilet seat, or an ugly man with elevated BMI and so disinhibited that he just flashes his tub of lard around for everyone to see.
maybe i am too immature, holding a grudge against a car.
but i probably can't hold a grudge against anyone or anything else.
nowadays i am always working with someone else, unlike the lonesome times in northern.
it is a big relief that even if i get 50pages of bsl >20 and multi chest pains someone will help out.
but such an impression grew stronger by the day, that the other person is always doing much more than me and i am just not doing as much as i should.
especially on days when i feel cold and hungry and thinking abt hot noodles or hot tea or hot water bottle or hot whatever as i go about the ward.
sometimes i also fear i eventually will wake up one day and regret spending so much time in work and wasting my already non-existent youth, just as i regretted those efforts put in pre-clinical years reading pages and pages of stuff i never really understood so i get to say a word or 2 in pbl.
well...
i am a very 囧 aunty and i want a holiday bad and no matter how long the holiday is its not going to be enough.
i bought Eileen Chang's last novel.
i read it all on saturday.
i still "replay" the ending paragraph over and over in my head, and feel very very touched and end up with a dreamy expression on my face----
as i was doing discharge summaries.
i decided to take after my altruistic co-intern's example and offer some help to students when he's busy. the students never contacted me again after initial encounter. 囧... maybe i just have "in fact i don't really have time for you despite saying i do" written all over my face... more 囧...
but the other day i met this girl who was stealthily doing a long case on my patient at a rather late time of the day. and she shrank bk with a anxious guilty expression whenever she saw ppl... even me 囧...
she reminded me a lot of myself.
filled with empathy, i probably had a momentary halo lit up above my head that time. i very kindly gave her my pager and told her to contact for anything.
....but she never contacted me since.
囧more and more....
masha has a new album. on the album cover he has this new 2-min-noodle hairstyle.
i am so horrified that i cant even decide whether i can still like him or not.
surely someone with such horrible taste... >.<.........
still traumatised.... i mean even if say he suddenly gets elevated BMI i think i will understand....
but we will see, maybe he will end up saying some insightful words about his 2min noodles.
or maybe his new album will be so good that i can overlook everything else. ^-^
one of my patients went to pcu. i admitted him. he's demented, can't swallow, non-responsive. He stares blankly at watever during those precious conscious moments.
but his heart rate goes up everytime in anxiety, if his wife was not there holding his hands.
him be confused or alert.
i think my facial muscle spasmed in an attempt to smile when i saw his wife this morning.
but maybe it never did. i just had a tactile hallucination.
our new reg is a reali nice person. wei thinks he's like a soft toy. O.O
am sure wei has a secret list of soft-toy-like ppl, he will just add him to his collection of favourites.
When he goes home they will all come out to play~~~~
i probably still live in horrid anticipatory fascination that i will sooner or later meet a really mean horrible reg, after all those nice ones.
i will save my tears til then.
i somehow miss the last few wks when i don't crave for food and can skip meals without feeling much.
cold weather makes me preoccupied with food.
i feel very very satisfied after a hot meal with hot soup.
and with hot water to follow for the rest of the night.
好幸福~
on the road i think every car behind me is a police car. when i park i think i will reverse into someone sooner or later, almost did it to tiff's the other day, most likely it will be wei's car, and then it will all be very 囧.
i think my car looks like an dirty toilet seat, or an ugly man with elevated BMI and so disinhibited that he just flashes his tub of lard around for everyone to see.
maybe i am too immature, holding a grudge against a car.
but i probably can't hold a grudge against anyone or anything else.
nowadays i am always working with someone else, unlike the lonesome times in northern.
it is a big relief that even if i get 50pages of bsl >20 and multi chest pains someone will help out.
but such an impression grew stronger by the day, that the other person is always doing much more than me and i am just not doing as much as i should.
especially on days when i feel cold and hungry and thinking abt hot noodles or hot tea or hot water bottle or hot whatever as i go about the ward.
sometimes i also fear i eventually will wake up one day and regret spending so much time in work and wasting my already non-existent youth, just as i regretted those efforts put in pre-clinical years reading pages and pages of stuff i never really understood so i get to say a word or 2 in pbl.
well...
i am a very 囧 aunty and i want a holiday bad and no matter how long the holiday is its not going to be enough.
i bought Eileen Chang's last novel.
i read it all on saturday.
i still "replay" the ending paragraph over and over in my head, and feel very very touched and end up with a dreamy expression on my face----
as i was doing discharge summaries.
i decided to take after my altruistic co-intern's example and offer some help to students when he's busy. the students never contacted me again after initial encounter. 囧... maybe i just have "in fact i don't really have time for you despite saying i do" written all over my face... more 囧...
but the other day i met this girl who was stealthily doing a long case on my patient at a rather late time of the day. and she shrank bk with a anxious guilty expression whenever she saw ppl... even me 囧...
she reminded me a lot of myself.
filled with empathy, i probably had a momentary halo lit up above my head that time. i very kindly gave her my pager and told her to contact for anything.
....but she never contacted me since.
囧more and more....
masha has a new album. on the album cover he has this new 2-min-noodle hairstyle.
i am so horrified that i cant even decide whether i can still like him or not.
surely someone with such horrible taste... >.<.........
still traumatised.... i mean even if say he suddenly gets elevated BMI i think i will understand....
but we will see, maybe he will end up saying some insightful words about his 2min noodles.
or maybe his new album will be so good that i can overlook everything else. ^-^
one of my patients went to pcu. i admitted him. he's demented, can't swallow, non-responsive. He stares blankly at watever during those precious conscious moments.
but his heart rate goes up everytime in anxiety, if his wife was not there holding his hands.
him be confused or alert.
i think my facial muscle spasmed in an attempt to smile when i saw his wife this morning.
but maybe it never did. i just had a tactile hallucination.
our new reg is a reali nice person. wei thinks he's like a soft toy. O.O
am sure wei has a secret list of soft-toy-like ppl, he will just add him to his collection of favourites.
When he goes home they will all come out to play~~~~
i probably still live in horrid anticipatory fascination that i will sooner or later meet a really mean horrible reg, after all those nice ones.
i will save my tears til then.
i somehow miss the last few wks when i don't crave for food and can skip meals without feeling much.
cold weather makes me preoccupied with food.
i feel very very satisfied after a hot meal with hot soup.
and with hot water to follow for the rest of the night.
好幸福~
Sunday, April 19, 2009
atrophy
sometimes i wonder if psych gave me the false impression that i am as gd as everyone else and could handle things really well and since i had it first i naturally assume that it is the baseline and probably will continue to be in loss + fear as i maladaptively cope with the rest of the year...
there must be something therapeutic abt the psych ppl that made me function so well for that 11 wks... i remember my anxiety level in the first wks or so was so elevated... but probably how my reg and consultant spoke... just calmed me down... despite the stresses, despite the med covers, i still looked forward to each day.
that miraculous ability to speak in confidence patience and kindness is slowly leaving me...
that eagerness to refine my language everyday, to just want to take after my reg's example and hoping one day i can be as good as her...
no more.
i fear each day that i will be back to my baseline broca atrophy. (and THAT made me fear everything else as well...)
that day isn't far away. >.<
Lord HELP.
there must be something therapeutic abt the psych ppl that made me function so well for that 11 wks... i remember my anxiety level in the first wks or so was so elevated... but probably how my reg and consultant spoke... just calmed me down... despite the stresses, despite the med covers, i still looked forward to each day.
that miraculous ability to speak in confidence patience and kindness is slowly leaving me...
that eagerness to refine my language everyday, to just want to take after my reg's example and hoping one day i can be as good as her...
no more.
i fear each day that i will be back to my baseline broca atrophy. (and THAT made me fear everything else as well...)
that day isn't far away. >.<
Lord HELP.
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