Eaglewood Dust

My Father's Suitcase

2011-12-15T07:25:00.002+10:30

It has been years, and this is still full of awesomeness. especially at this moment in time, it is more true than ever.

"So let me change the mood with a few sweet words that will, I hope, serve as well as that music. The question we writers are asked most often, the favorite question, is: Why do you write? I write because I have an innate need to write. I write because I can’t do normal work as other people do. I write because I want to read books like the ones I write. I write because I am angry at everyone. I write because I love sitting in a room all day writing. I write because I can partake of real life only by changing it. I write because I want others, the whole world, to know what sort of life we lived, and continue to live, in Istanbul, in Turkey. I write because I love the smell of paper, pen, and ink. I write because I believe in literature, in the art of the novel, more than I believe in anything else. I write because it is a habit, a passion. I write because I am afraid of being forgotten. I write because I like the glory and interest that writing brings. I write to be alone. Perhaps I write because I hope to understand why I am so very, very angry at everyone. I write because I like to be read. I write because once I have begun a novel, an essay, a page I want to finish it. I write because everyone expects me to write. I write because I have a childish belief in the immortality of libraries, and in the way my books sit on the shelf. I write because it is exciting to turn all life’s beauties and riches into words. I write not to tell a story but to compose a story. I write because I wish to escape from the foreboding that there is a place I must go but—as in a dream—can’t quite get to. I write because I have never managed to be happy. I write to be happy. "

- from "My Father's Suitcase" by Orhan Pamuk

and to my own parents who have managed to make a living hell out of the precious time that really should be one's most relaxed and happy, which one really may not have another chance of in a lifetime.
thank you for being so destructive.
yet i fully understand why you come to such thoughts and actions, and could not help pitying you.

i only have my pen... not an impressive one... but i only have my pen.

mental state deterioration

2011-07-20T14:57:00.002+09:30

we had a horrid run of 2 wks plus of absolutely impossible workload, and everyone (except pharmacist, God bless her~)expecting things to be done with the exact same efficiency as when ward was fully staffed... while refusing to offer any help and only adding to the stress.

i ended up in tears last friday at work (which i have not done since internship). mental state deteriorated since... saying nasty thoughtless things to ppl... then realising it... then mental state deteriorating even more.

and attending interviews in such burnt-out state... needing to say how passionate i am about my job... was a herculean effort.

however a conversation today redeemed me:

nurse: blah blah(patient)just said he wanted to kill his psychiatrist.
consultant (easy-going and happily married with 2 cute kids): I don't mind! Kill me, kill me now!! (in stressed-out tone of voice)

i asked her if she would like to spend sometime in HDU...囧

but that was redeeming.

before consultant left today, she forced me to take my afternoon off---
and i happily complied.

God is humorous

2011-06-16T20:24:00.005+09:30

I finally caught up with my mentor today. Hardly saw her after neuro last yr. my gosh...even just half an hr of conversation was so...insightful,encouraging and to the point... just cleared my mind.
really therapeutic(didn't expect her to be so therapeutic after all!)... so glad I chose her at the start of the rotation, and stuck with her... even after being suggested multiple times by seniors re: there were things she should have done for you but did not/let me know if you want to change mentor blah blah blah...

I want to become a psychiatrist like her~~~~ *starry eyes*

and i come back to the ward to discover my pt out of nowhere changed her mind abt some major life decisions and unloaded it all onto me. God is humorous, but I freak out too easily and fail to appreciate His humour MOST OF THE TIME. or maybe I really should acknowledge there is no simple happy endings? ie. we really cannot fix pts and unrealistically think their lives might be sorted out "along the way"?
I have a long way to go... God help me.

2011-03-23T23:48:00.001+10:30

今天重读完FOOTPRINTS后最想說的一句話：還是請祢把我抛下大海吧！

Ashes to Ashes

2011-03-20T18:40:00.000+10:30

I have noted with some kind of a disturbing relief that I have finally become sick.
a long overdue swollen hurting throat, coryza, muscle aches, lethargy...
a sickness I have longed for 7 months ago, but never came at the time I wanted.
A time when I day by day felt I had drained all my motivation to push on for the next, and yet felt too guilty to take time off but prayed daily to become physically sick so I could legitimately rest from the daily trauma.

When I tried to think back to the past year, small and big things became so bright and shiny, that they glared into my eyes.
The seemingly endless desperation and failure ongoing from the start of the year, in stark contrast to the sheer joy and peace of the daily motions towards the end of it.

Maybe there are people around who deserve my apologies:
The poor friend who deserved a happy cozy farewell but instead witnessed me laughing hysterically as my car got scratched in the car park and wondered what really was going on.
The poor neighbours who were ready to call the police (its true!) after hearing me screaming and crying so loud because of what i thought to be the end of everything, but what essentially was just... "a bad day at work"?

and ones who deserve big thank-yous:

Friends who have kept me alive in the past year.

The reg I have so wanted but never got a chance to work with. Still I had the privilege to witness her never failing effort going an extra mile to make others' lives a bit easier, even while carrying her own burdens and stresses...

The consultant and reg who within a week completely lifted my spirit from my yearlong(even longer) gloom...
the same consultant who set the rare priceless example of genuine concern and humility combined with charisma and intelligence, that will inspire me striving to be the same in many years ahead...
and the same reg who's so therapeutic not with charisma but with brokenness and negative energy. Such is what can motivate me to push on in times I feel too ashamed to push on in my own brokenness...

And I still want to make a mention of The Professor's Death Song:
http://www.booksandculture.com/articles/2011/janfeb/professorsdeathsong.html?paging=off
The last days of the last working year was dedicated to this wonderful article... I find such honesty so touching and redeeming.
I pray Christianity can continue to empower us to approach this universally uneasy concept of brokenness with honesty, understanding and grace.

I have finally become sick.
I felt this is finally the conclusion of that epic working year.
And I love such an ending to the story.

"justification"

2011-01-23T17:23:00.002+10:30

another profound line from Mark Galli:

We human beings have a way of turning profound truths into justifications for all manner of behavior.

..............

after realising all this...

I should forgive more.

Hopeless Prayer

2011-01-03T22:32:00.002+10:30

*how many times do I have to post this...*
but indeed... only once in a blue moon we are this honest.

Hopeless Prayer by Mark Galli

"Ask and it shall be given."

So lots of people asked that 33 miners trapped a half mile beneath the earth be rescued. And they were.

It's the sort of thing that makes prayer that much harder, don't you think?

Some people make it sound easy. "God has spoken to me clearly and guided my hand each step of the rescue," Carlos Parra Diaz, a Seventh-day Adventist pastor at the San Jose mine, told The Guardian. "He wanted the miners to be rescued and I am His instrument."

When extraordinary things like this happen, it brings out the megalomania in some people. But I think a local Catholic priest had it right: "God has heard our prayers." Lots of prayers from lots of people.

And it was given.

When this sort of thing happens, I feel like I'm being set up. If prayer never "worked," I could deal with it sensibly. I could just give it up. Or give up one type of prayer—intercession. Just stop praying that God would do this or that, change this or that. Prayer could just be communing with God. But when God answers prayer like this, it sets up this god-awful expectation that God gives to those who ask.

"Ask and it shall be given" is a nice, warm saying, but it should really be, "Ask and sometimes it will be given." Or more realistically, at least in my prayer experience, "Ask and once in a blue moon it will be given."

Answers to my prayers happen so rarely that I am SHOCKED, SHOCKED, when they happen. I'm not talking about everyday prayers—for safe travels or healing from a cold. God seems to take care of travelers and colds whether I pray for them or not. I'm talking about prayers for things I really care about, people I'm really worried about—that a friend might come to know Jesus, that a loved one will be healed of cancer, that a relative will give up drugs. There seems to be an inverse prayer corollary in my life: the more important the prayer, the less likely it will be answered. But indeed, once in a while a big prayer is answered—like the college friend who became a Christian, or a church member who was healed of cancer—and my jaw drops and my eyes fill with tears. I'm astounded, again, that God would answer prayer.

This after living the Christian life for over four decades.

* * *
When it comes to the REALLY BIG prayers, well, I'm a hearty believer. I regularly pray for peace on earth, but it hasn't done any good. Still, Jesus said it would happen, and so as far as I'm concerned, this prayer will be answered.

Some day, far in the future. That's the rub with REALLY BIG prayer. It's so far in the future that it feels pointless to pray it. It's so assured of happening—whether I pray or not—that you think, What's the use?

And yet Jesus tells me to pray such prayers: "Our Father … thy kingdom come." Pray for the thing that's going to happen whether you pray or not. Pray for the thing that is so far in the future and so unimaginable that you feel silly praying for it.

He's also the one who said, "Ask and it shall be given." I'm pretty sure he meant this for big and small prayers, and everything in between.

Ask for things that are likely to happen whether you pray or not.

Ask for things that are unlikely to happen.

Ask for things that get answered sometimes but not others.

Ask when you feel like asking is selfish. Ask when your asking feels foolish. Ask when you feel hopeless.

And it will be given.

* * *
It's that last state—feeling hopeless—that characterizes my prayer life most days. I have so few important-to-me prayers answered that I'm afraid to pray for such things anymore. Who wants to be disappointed with God again?

So I find stories like the answered prayer for the Chilean miners more irritating than inspirational. As a CNN story says, the miners "showed us there is hope even when the worst seems certain." Well, for me when the worst seems certain, I have the hardest time having hope. Sorry, CNN. Lesson not learned.

Fortunately, having a hopeful feeling when the worst seems certain is not a Christian idea at all. When the worst seemed certain, Jesus pleaded with God to avoid it. It was not a prayer confident of bright tomorrows: "Take this cup from me. But not my will, but yours be done." It was prayer grounded in the realism of unanswered prayer, to a God who is to be prayed to because he invites us to do so whether we feel like it or not, to a God who runs the universe splendidly, whether we pray or not.

Here's the lesson I have learned from Jesus, a lesson reinforced by four decades of failed prayers. It doesn't matter how I feel when the worst seems certain. Jesus didn't say, "Ask when you feel hopeful." He just said ask. And he said it will be given.

What exactly will be given is not entirely clear! When it will be given is not noted! How it will be given is not specified! Jesus is being his usual elusive self in this enigmatic saying.

But two things seem clear. First, we are to ask God for things that are important to us, no matter how we feel about God or prayer or the thing prayed for. In Jesus’ theology of prayer, there is no hint that prayer is the way we transcend desire, as if having desire was a sign of spiritual immaturity. Desire is apparently what humans do, something woven into the fabric of our humanity from day one, a divine gift, the first hint that we are made for something outside ourselves, a something that can only be realized by taking the first small step of asking. Prayer is not a way to overcome desire, but the first thing we do with it.

Second, once we announce our desire to God, it’s his job to deal with it. Prayer is not manipulating heaven to fulfill our desires. It’s putting what we desire into the hands of a loving, if inscrutable, God and letting him fulfill it in his time, in his way.

Of course, sometimes he’s gracious enough to answer it in our time and in a way that makes sense to us, like reaching down into the bowels of the earth to raise those who were as good as dead.

the wow factor

2010-11-22T19:24:00.003+10:30

so... neurology is therapeutic.

but i will not forget those who looked after me in days past...

H... every bit of your kindness, your time spent listening, bits and pieces you did for me, counted in making my days a bit more bearable.

G... found you scary initially...but then you became rather entertaining. and the chance to witness how a life can be saved by everything happening appropriately and timely because of you... is priceless.

J... hoped i could work as your resident! (but then we would be shit magnet x2~） can always remember those small but really important gestures of kindness and encouragement you showered upon us even when you yourself were going through immense stress. such are the things that inspired me.

and the haem regs... cannot express my gratitude enough... the two of you, and your sharp, candid words, really have been my source of wisdom and support.

i am sceptical about what's perceived as the wow factor in the christian world.
someone rude and swearing becoming "nice" and... non-swearing ?
appearing bold and courageous about adverse life events?
completely unimpressive.
i most appreciate honesty in a christian.

to me:
the more sincere and candid one is about his/her weaknesses and defeat, and the more willingness to share these with the generation to come--
the more wow factors one possesses.

Hope

2010-09-22T21:30:00.003+09:30

I will look forward to:

the neurology rotation where ppl i will be working with have all taught me when i was a student, where I will get to see the diagnosis of many psych patients...

the unlikely though not impossible opportunity next year to witness my friends morphing into wonderful med regs on the ward and being loved by interns...

I will look forward to these things...
and pray that I can steadily walk through the small pool of muddy water in front of me for the next 6 weeks.
that I will not become hopeless and give up.

Masha has a new song~

2010-08-19T18:34:00.003+09:30

Hotaru is so nice... despite the style.
I hardly ever found a Masha song great on first listen... (probably except Keshin) but for some strange reasons mostly of them inevitably end up becoming favourites played over and over without me getting sick of them. (and thats largely independent of my love for Masha himself :D)

anyway FM has been so active for the past 3 years I kind of feared that he will burn out... after all he's the type that likes to do things at his own pace and take prolonged breaks from time to time. Last yr with Keshin I almost thought he was about to become depressed... @__@ LOL but I think with Ryoma this yr... he has picked up so well~ and has thus given fans so much more reasons to be joyous. ^___^

Please continue to be this way~ *hearts*

---------------------------------a line to separate one obsession from another------------

I haven't blogged in english for a while... for the past 1 month plus i have been playing hard with my imaginary friends again... LOL ie. watching slamdunk for the 50th time probably. Really felt like a good catch-up with high school friends... Yes... maybe I attended PLC, but at the same time i also attended this other high school called Slamdunk~ LOL

and ideas for the new story i want to tell just kept coming~ coming~... even after the trauma of losing my initial draft...

probably for the rest of my life the only things I will have real passion writing for are slamdunk fanfics... *horror* *but maybe its not that bad!*

the greatest revelation this time: after reading SD for 10+ yrs... I finally realised what an awesome intelligent person Rukawa is... for the past 10+ yrs i thought he's this mere single cell organism with low IQ + EQ and who can't do anything except basketball... LOL

and Jin-san, Maki-san, and Kiyota-chan~ you guys really really felt like friends from high school... ^___^ i hope i can push forward with this story about all you three lovely ppl.

wander restlessly

2010-07-01T19:11:00.004+09:30

There are always a few things you would not learn to appreciate until you are older. Fixing life and values too early prob is not a great idea...sometimes.

I never liked A Dream of Red Mansions before 25yo despite having read the book at least 7-8 times when i was half that age. After all it was the easiest one to read out of the big four. When i was young i despised romances and preferred stimulation from fighting, heros, smart people getting their ways etc etc.
I think I have finally reached the age to start gasping at the beautiful nuances, the intensely complex structure, the endearing personalities...
...and appreciating the costly lifelong effort that was solely invested in this book.

I have been reading Nietzsche quotes... think I got instantly attracted by this:

"Of all that is written I love only that which is written with blood. Write with blood: and you will discover that blood is spirit."
Just... impressive.

Though I prob love Rilke more. Thinking about the following lines can always stir up so much emotion inside me~ never knew why. hmmm... the power of poetry? LOL

Who now has no house, builds no more.
Who is now alone, will long remain so,
will stay awake, read, write long letters
and will wander restlessly here and there
in the avenues, when the leaves drift.

2.0 BREAK

2010-06-21T20:27:00.006+09:30

Dear Shinji Ikari, when i see you scream and kick and fight like a man and take the initiative with your girl, i do not know if its a good thing, or bad.
Dear Rei Ayanami, when my beloved bandage goddess seems to have acquired all the bandaids from... cooking attempts?, i do not know if I should laugh, or cry.
Dear Asuka Langley Soryu (or is it Shikinami now?!), when you out of all people become the altruistic third wheel, i do no know if that makes me feel happy, or sad.

but I have missed you all, all these years.
and so glad to have met you all again.

Favourites.

2010-06-06T19:52:00.008+09:30

After forcing myself to do a few unpleasant but very necessary tasks, I decide to do something pleasant to reward myself and feel happy... well... until that on-call phone rings and the next misery hits... 囧

A conversation a few days back:
why are you so pessimistic? said my happy rehab reg.
I don't know. I replied: though what you say sounds rather familiar... am sure my med reg last yr asked me the exact same thing...
rehab reg: ....
(prob thinking: so hopeless...)

anywayz----------------------- (thats the separation line)

My most favourite man and woman... in the same photo. (Sorry Kou-chan, who's a very 囧 background.) However I fail to see any chemistry between Masha and Maya Miki. They don't fit that well... hmm... at least it seems to me.
so they shall remain as my favourites, separately. :D
but here is my fav couple. Good-looking 40-something auntie + not-so-good-looking 40-something uncle. Superintendents Okita-san and Muroi-san, ever since watching Suspect Muroi Shinji, I have yet to find another couple who can spark more chemistry than between the two of you. :)
and I think Masha goes well with Kou-chan. They both have this "anxious" kind of look.(-_-||| don't know how to describe) The other day I found this photo among my collection and thought it looked very very nice.
and Kou-chan is going down the path of becoming a really beautiful auntie! saw her photo from Oh-Oku... *in love*

When Keanus become happy blobs...

2010-05-27T21:08:00.006+09:30

Had a REALLY GOOD day today.
If i don't write the above words down, I will for sure forget about it and think i have not had good things happening to me and I am feeling so defeated all the time blah blah blah...

my current registrar is one very kind, gentle, giant happy blob. When he talks to the consultants they have to poke their heads around his shoulder to make sure i am there. over the course of last 3 wks his lunch box has drastically downsized to 1 small plastic bowl half filled with veggies b/c of his recent dx of dyslipidemia and glucose intolerance. Apparently his wife banned him from having adequate oral intake for dinner too. >_<
Today he asked me to certify some of his documents. I looked at his passport,and I was petrified. We know what passport photos can look like, but he had a cool skinny face and looked just like Keanu Reeves in his photo! (I mean for a passport photo even Keanu Reeves may not look as good as Keanu Reeves... 囧)
Apparently the passport photo was a mere 3 years ago. I was @__@ and really couldn't hold back from asking "What happened?" He said he has had many exams for the past 3 years and liked to binge-eat when he studied and hence became this blob now. And he sounded really sad... :( am sure his wife is sad too. Its understandable when one married Keanu but got a happy blob now and one wants to get Keanu back, but maybe Keanus should not become happy blobs IN THE FIRST PLACE... 囧

I caught up with Maxine today and went to Koorong for the first time in more than a year's time. Its beautiful doing things that seemed to be only memories from your student years, and in a very beautiful weather too. It was SO GOOD being listened to, being understood, and being encouraged. will treasure this memory~ :) I hope you had an enjoyable afternoon too (despite my conversation these days being so devoid of any good things).

and I found the book I wanted from Koorong. Without a title and author, I managed to pick it out... O__O(and it was discounted too) Anyway its been a while since I last read a non-fob book and couldnt put it down. 2 chapters into this and my stomach is already aching from laughing too much.

Good humour is always serious. I strongly recommend:
I'm Fine with God... It's Christians I Can't Stand by Bruce Bickel and Stan Jantz

prophesy(quote, unquote) 2

2010-05-15T10:36:00.002+09:30

from 2009:

masha has a new album. on the album cover he has this new 2-min-noodle hairstyle.
i am so horrified that i cant even decide whether i can still like him or not.
surely someone with such horrible taste... >.<.........
or maybe his new album will be so good that i can overlook everything else. ^-^

yep i got so turned off by 2min noodles that i didnt listen to Keshin until like end of last year.
And even to my own surprise, Keshin is now my favourite Masha song. The song was so good that even 2min noodles became very appealing indeed.
and now I have to pay for my superficiality. First edition of that album was all....SOLD OUT~~~~ -__-|||||

prophesy(quote, unquote)

2010-05-12T23:03:00.002+09:30

I am usually afraid of looking through my old blogs. afraid of the stupidity, and especially, the bad English from time to time. -__-||||
Tonight I was just too agitated by the on-call phone and decided that reading anything will distract... 囧 It has the worst possible ring tone but I still haven't figured out a way to change it! anyway... too much stupidity already~ -__-||||

It is kind of defeating to read words back in 07 and realise that they have become reality(despite the fact that my mood actually has a marked improvement this yr so far comparing to 2nd half of last yr):

"do i want to continue in this useless inadequacy struggling to please everyone & everything with my life and finding that i have failed in every aspect, especially... that I have failed myself...& God?"

囧. I don't know what else I can say at this point of time.

What Evangelicals and Atheists have in common

2010-04-28T09:01:00.003+09:30

This is so good I can't find a word to describe. http://www.outofur.com/archives/2010/04/what_evangelica.html

i wonder sometimes why we still put up with some people's crap. or i probably should only say I regretted every single moment in the past when I put up with such crap and thought I was doing the right thing.

Keshin

2010-04-21T08:44:00.003+09:30

LOL I don't know how many times I will end up talking about this MV.
It rekindled my love for Masha at the end of last yr.
the other day I realised with much surprise that since watching this MV I have acquired at least 3 new clothes items in that shade of blue.

and the madness continues... I got my first ipod yesterday... >.< (for many years i never thought i will need or want an ipod!)
when i browsed the shelf I just stared at the blue one and thought: how wonderful it will be to play Keshin on that blue ipod nano!
this is worse than being materialistic, this is pure random purchase out of obsession. O__O.....

anyway cant describe the joy I felt when I watched Keshin on the ipod. I even named it "Keshin". LOL

Keshin by Fukuyama Masaharu

Life is what happens to you while you're busy making other plans

2010-04-10T19:19:00.002+09:30

As above.

and... poster for the movie I badly want to watch this yr. I hope the English subs come out before 2011.
*aside: but its full of old & ugly ppl!*
*more aside: yes it is. though I hate to admit. >_<*I just HEART the word "happiness" put next to Sumire-san~ :)

囧 What an article that speaks to the heart...guilt

2010-03-10T15:57:00.003+10:30

http://www.kyria.com/topics/spiritualformation/theologyspiritualissues/10.78.html

i sometimes wonder why even in my worst days i still can find Christianity Today articles so readable.

anyway strongly recommend.

MUROI-SAN you are finally getting a promotion!!!

2010-03-04T13:21:00.008+10:30

DANCE AGAIN.
Anyway, Odoru Daisousasen The Movie 3 is finally going to be out in 2010...
after this many years. >.<
and its absolutely delightful to know that lovely Muroi-san is going be promoted in this movie... after being ostracisized to Hiroshima in 2005 Yougisha Muroi Shinji.
*sigh* he will probably be demoted again at the end of this movie. and I hope Sumire-san is married to Aoshima by now. after all she is not young anymore.though its a pity that the most beautiful female superintendent Okita will be missing from this movie... :(I havent been watching too much of Fukuyama Ryoma at the moment.
A lot of ppl liked the Ryoma from Jin last year. Though I find the character too brainlessly exaggerated.
anyway, I trust Masha will be GOOD as Ryoma.and there is at least something new:
Jin is prob one of the best medical dramas I have seen, very interesting setting. I think I havent seen Osawa Takao for years, and didnt know he can be so comical. LOL

Why do good dreams come when you dont necessary need them?

2010-01-14T17:12:00.005+10:30

i used to sometimes come up with really organised storylines in my dreams, very exciting imaginary worlds, sometimes completely beyond my imagination say when i am alert + oriented.
when i was echucaing I found it really hard to survive and sometimes i prayed for just a good dream, pieces of imaginary goodness I could hang on to just to have some courage for a day.
but none came.

i took a nap this afternoon and dreamt about the early parts of Three Kingdoms.(i really havent thought about 3K for months)
similar story line but in a really different, ancient metropolitan kind of setting. Diao chan no longer a tool in political conspiracy but quite vocalising and has her agendas too. most amazing Zhou yu appeared early, ?with some dark past/secret involving death of a family member etc, and he's good looking for once... Thank goodness... how many movies/TV series i have to see where they HAD to make Zhuge Liang more handsome than Zhou yu?
Full of jap manga individualistic goodness.
Too bad I woke up before I found out what happend to Zhou yu.

I have prob spoken too early. Maybe I will have a traumatising night tonight.

In progressive edema

2009-09-06T19:44:00.010+09:30

growing post.
if i dont do this i will never feel motivated to write it all.

i thought about what name to give to this post. Maybe something like Retrospective Diary of a Despairing Aunty in Echuca will really do it justice, but... i wont i wont. Its too sad already even if i dont give it such a pathetic name.

In Retrospect
I am no longer suicidal, no longer in despair, but I am probably still depressed.
Even when I have a day with only 2 patients I am still depressed.
Depressed to the point that i dont want to watch any TV or movies on weekends in case they turned out to be bad and then it would be intended sleeping time all wasted.
Depressed to the point that I think I dont even love Masha anymore and I dont look forward to his new CD or his new "blog" entries or his 2010 taiga drama.

However---
I have stopped blurting out swearing words.
I have stopped sitting in my car and telling God: just make my car hit the next tree so i can die. surely you have enough people doing your work. i can't do it anymore. don't make me do it, just let me die.
I have stopped crying my eyes out in public. (lol this may have been said too early)
I have...kind of...looked forward again to God's promises.
I have found new joys in reading fob girly magazines and buying skin care products.

and I still can feel so happy when---
having a big fatty meal with irene;
gossiping with wei in half chinese about roundness;
seeing edmund smiling so kindly at met calls;
visiting my gp supervisor and secretly wanting to pinch her chubby daughter on the cheeks;
playing cards and eating junk food with meddies at wan's house.

Maybe I am not actually depressed. Its just still the slow process of ferritin + platlets going down after ASR.

I love God, but I am completely insightless!
when i heard stories about ppl who were embodiments of Christian faith i was always sceptical and suspected some major underlying dogginess going on in that person's life.
I never suspected dogginess in John Newton.
It surely turned out rather dodgy.
It really angered me why was I not told the truth to start off with.
Surely there is a difference between :
becoming an anti-slavery campaigner after conversion to Christianity;
becoming a slave ship master after conversion to Christianity, and over the course of next 20-30 years developed anti-slavery views.

John Newton is not dodgy. He is much more of a human figure to me now. I respect him more for the developing insight in such an insightless person to begin with.
And God is more amazing because of this.

But Christian articles or books (and especially children books) which evade the facts, deliberately or not, I am sorry I don't want to read a single word.
If i end up having kids, i would rather they read decameron than read such crap. If they get such crap for presents/prizes, i will throw them out. What a horrid shame if my kids end up mis-educating others about "John Newton" with ignorant Christian pride...*shudder*

A Small Step
I had a good wk after the above 2 stories.
Had a really busy take day, but surprisingly i enjoyed it. a lot of interesting patients with not entirely surgical issues, some indeed quite medical.
I have enjoyed a day of work, not because of psych, not because of the company.
just because of the patients and their medical issues waiting to be sorted out.

surprisingly so.

or maybe not so surprising given my "surprising" ability to work, in such sharp contrast to my passive unethusiastic reluctant-to-speak student years.
and maybe, surg is not going to result in mental breakdown as my lovely co-intern has so feared for me.
maybe surg can be therapeutic.

but I have not been good. I still so easily turn to where my comfort is.

Dear Lord

2009-08-26T21:58:00.004+09:30

Dear Lord

Can I have a day...
when i don't so easily burst into tears...
when i am don't always hate you so easily...
when my devotion means something to me...
when i can actually remember the wonderful things you did for me...
when i can stop being ungrateful that you saved my life on the way back from echuca...
when i can feel your strength sustain me...
when your presence becomes more important than the circumstances...

Can I have such a day, plus not faint in theatre.

ah, i am trying to be honest here

2009-07-01T21:44:00.002+09:30

Why does Masha always speak to the heart?

When it comes to things like self-reflection, personally speaking,
whatever I can remember about the past, are usually not very happy events!
“Ah~so good! That time…was absolutely awesome!” memories like such,
I usually completely forget.
I belong to that generation…when you always want to apologize to people..*laugh*

I never thought that after I grew up, whatever I can remember the most are always things regretful.
Even though I am saying this, I knew I can never go back and start again,
but I would never stop and not move forward just because of that!
Of course, because we are human, there will always be unforgettable regrets remaining in our hearts…
When we did not apologize to people, when we feel we could have done things better… etc
but we cannot stop because of that, we still have to face the future…
A future of better lives, to be of comfort to our past regrets---
most of us would just want to be happy and hopeful.

Talking about music and lyrics and topics as such,
for everything to end on a hopeful note, I think its quite unnecessary
I usually want to make things go in a hopeful direction when I am writing songs,
but now I think it’s ok if I stop trying so hard
When you can’t look forward,
It’s alright to have an ending!

I think its absolutely necessary to have hopeful dreams of the future,
but to always remain hopeful is not easy.
Sometimes we realise things are not easily done, we may still need to accept reality etc
At those times, we won’t be able to walk forward with our heads up,
So what can we do about our inability to stay positive?
Its probably not that bad if we just keep things as they are.
After all not everything has to end on a hopeful note!

My favourite star/most respected person/role model is a non-Christian.
After the initial attraction of cute Prof Galileo, knowing Masha and learning from his life+ thoughts is quite life-changing.
Hey no one ever told me that before! Hey I want to grow up to be like this person! Hey when I am old if I can share inspirational thoughts like him it will be great!
Such thoughts are very rare for skeptical critical me.
The surprising insight + honesty are really two things I do not see very often in the world around me, but what I think are the most important qualities one should have.

I’ve been living in some fear for a long time.
If my role-model is a non-Christian, then does it mean I will find “something else” acceptable? If in the unlikely situation it happens to me.
Or maybe I should stop being anxious of possible future anxiety.

Masha’s words can surprisingly shed light on my spiritual life.
Although I know if I do not have God the weak useless me would not have survived life… and would not be able to become the person I myself am comfortable with…
whatever I can remember about my past Christian walk, are usually not very happy events!
“Ah~so good! That time…was absolutely awesome and uplifting!” memories like such,
I usually completely forget!
or feel very detached about.
Especially during the stressful low times when I most need to recall His amazing past grace, even when I compile a physical list I find it impossible to compile an emotional list.
And the repetitive flashbacks I get the most are the disappointments, the frustrations, the impatience, the failures, the past horrible things I myself have done, the past horrible things other Christians have said in absolute authority etc etc etc…
I just haven’t tried hard enough to forgive + trust.
Or should I say most of the time the words + concept of forgiveness + trust + thanksgiving did not cross my mind at all.
There are many things I need to feel ashamed about, truly ashamed about.
Especially as I am not really doing much about it.

Not only have I forgotten how good + unconditional God has been over the years, I think I have also forgotten how good + unconditional the Christians around me have been over the years.
In or out of the church(but especially within church), I think its just impossible to count how many times people gave me the love and support without expecting returns, and repetitively accepted and tolerated my weaknesses + bad behaviour.
In front of these people I am probably the most immature, irresponsible, rude, passive aggressive, scrutinizing and ungrateful---
While without much self-awareness or remorse.
Despite my usually frequent sorries and thank-yous.

Sorry minna-san.
And I hope I really meant it.

And Masha is really a blessing. :)

all of my days

2009-05-31T18:08:00.004+09:30

echuca in 1 week.
i remembered the start of my clinical years, when grp 9 + 11 happily walked on the night streets of bendigo; me and tiff randomly sang P&W as we walked, one of the songs we sang was "all of my days".
and all the cooking me and irene did in bendigo and alexandra: the dumplings with fat oozing out... the fried rice with 6 eggs... the boiled veggies... the midnight ice cream and cheesecakes...
i am just getting old and sentimental.
i youtubed "all of my days" and ended up teary in front of my computer.

those gloomy despairing days when i was plagued by a wide assortment of fears... when i dreaded walking into every tute room... when i dreaded talking to anyone/everyone... when i secretly felt i wanted to jump down from top of austin day before osces...
and yet those are behind me now.
but probably waiting for me again ahead.

we had hot pot w/ our reg the other day.
something i just have to happily show off to everyone about.
it's probably going to be exactly the same as when i left psych.
pathologically dependent of the past, unappreciative of the present.
maybe by the end of echuca i will also have a good cry and hate to leave etc.
its just the norm for me now. 囧

I had not liked my 6 student years at all.
I just wanted to graduate with my friends.
I did not forsee that one day i can end up liking med, enjoying med---
despite the constant supply of failures, abuse and humiliations.

When i was a student I can channel all my emotions elsewhere to things i liked.
I can just be apathetic and detached in my real life.
Now that I am working I dont have the time to do so.
I became emotionally labile.
Maybe I have always been, I just didnt know.

i never realised I am so horridly dependent on others.
maybe echuca will do me some good---
without a reg who will say: dont worry lets get a needle and some iodine and do the shoulder aspirate now, knowing i had some traumatic unsuccessful runs w/ ortho and radiology;
and without a co-intern who readily picks up the phone just to be told off by urology/surg/MRI radiologist, after listening to my various PTSD grumblings...

now its time to wean off.

i feel completely unworthy of such blessings.
but thanks to jules who prayed for me the other night.
even without people around me, the Lord will go before me.
THANK YOU.
i did not know things can one day turn out like this.
and yet my faith is still so fluctuating despite all Your goodness. >___<
Forgive me.

masha spoke of a very very endearing topic:
Last night when I went home...those unwashed clothes...were in a big pile(laugh).
Some clothes can't go in the tumble dryer, but some won't matter, right?
usually takes a machine an hour or so to finish washing.
I thought if i wait a hr for it, then go to sleep, should be alright.
who knows~ I had my dinner, drank a bit of wine, fell asleep on the table.
...as i felt "ah so cold!" I woke up: I just fell asleep like that on the dinner table!
i was like: oh no! dunno if the washing was done yet...
when I went to brush my teeth, I finally looked into the washing machine,
separated the clothes for hanging dry/tumble dry, started the dryer,
brushed my teeth, and went to bed...

I was thinking at that time: Give me back my concert~~~
i just became very impatient with myself doing household chores.
Its true! One moment I was on the stage telling people: SEE YOU NEXT TIME!
---the next moment I ended up shivering at home*laugh*, and still had to wash my clothes...*more laugh*
...at that moment i really wanted to say WHY DONT I JUST DIE...indeed...
though we have machines helping us cleaning up, we really dont have robots who know how to separate clothes for hanging dry/tumble dry!

even masha is so 囧 w/ housework... :D

this is the air i breath...

2009-05-15T16:16:00.005+09:30

it took me a long long time to start liking med.
the impression can easily be that because i had a good week i am feeling more positive.
but i think i made the decision end of last week that this is my life, and for the remaining 5 wks in med i will enjoy it as much as i can.
so bad. when i start to like something its usually time for me to go.

maybe the turning point was...after all...the wedding on saturday.
i struggled for quite a while whether or not to go and inspect that front row with increased activity.
when he collapsed onto someone's shoulder i think i stopped struggling.
to my own surprise i actually could make some clinical judgements and knew of what to do in that initial moment of panicked frenzy.
but the feeling really disturbingly became 'chick finding its mother hen'(囧) when lovely ED trained dr jason turned up on the scene and said the lovely words:
ppl in seizure usually can protect their airways, don't worry.
:D having a senior doctor around can really make me feel very very happy.
after all i didn't seriously panick that day, given my atrocious GAD past history. knowing jason was sitting across, danielle was just outside the door, oh and...
andy lim was there somewhere at the back.
:D

i now faintly feel like a doctor.
maybe it is an improvement from early in the year, when i was still so ashamed to call myself by that name.

edmund did many long cases this wk.
and he went to his tutes with his reg friends.
and he signed up to 1 LC 3 SC presentations next wk.
me and wei are very happy, our consciences finally clean. ^-^

wei has been so... altruistic these 2 wks. (and also making personality incongruent remarks..O.O)
to the point that i think about what he did and just want to cry. -__-|||||
no wei has always been altruistic.
but when the target of his altruism is not me but students or histronic nurse in charge i really would like to do this:*hiding my face in shame*
I am a very 囧 aunty... as always.
but i got to listen to student LC as well this week~ and gave them my mcq practice papers~ and they were really thankful~ and i was all hearts and flowers afterwards...
maybe i am just a very soft-hearted 囧 aunty.

despite feeling so nice and soft hearted and not pressured nor anxious...
my yelling at nurses behaviour escalated.
today i had a yelling competition w/ a nurse who threatened to cancel an ambulance for transfer if i did not do a d/c/s when she demanded.
in the end she said she will discuss w/ the nurse in charge and never got bk to me.
i was all furious thinking she just went away and cancelled the ambulance without informing us.
so 5min after posttake i was fuming inside and went straight up there all prepared for a futile 2nd round, dragging wei with me for backup and/or on-call anger management.
only to discover ambulance was ready and discharge stuff was ready and pt was ready to go w/ nil issues.
囧X10 + guilt for being so disinhibited...
but maybe deep down i secretly took pride in it...
*horror*
Lord help me.

pieces

2009-04-28T18:46:00.004+09:30

everytime i drive my car there is an impending sense of doom.
on the road i think every car behind me is a police car. when i park i think i will reverse into someone sooner or later, almost did it to tiff's the other day, most likely it will be wei's car, and then it will all be very 囧.
i think my car looks like an dirty toilet seat, or an ugly man with elevated BMI and so disinhibited that he just flashes his tub of lard around for everyone to see.

maybe i am too immature, holding a grudge against a car.
but i probably can't hold a grudge against anyone or anything else.

nowadays i am always working with someone else, unlike the lonesome times in northern.
it is a big relief that even if i get 50pages of bsl >20 and multi chest pains someone will help out.
but such an impression grew stronger by the day, that the other person is always doing much more than me and i am just not doing as much as i should.
especially on days when i feel cold and hungry and thinking abt hot noodles or hot tea or hot water bottle or hot whatever as i go about the ward.

sometimes i also fear i eventually will wake up one day and regret spending so much time in work and wasting my already non-existent youth, just as i regretted those efforts put in pre-clinical years reading pages and pages of stuff i never really understood so i get to say a word or 2 in pbl.
well...
i am a very 囧 aunty and i want a holiday bad and no matter how long the holiday is its not going to be enough.

i bought Eileen Chang's last novel.
i read it all on saturday.
i still "replay" the ending paragraph over and over in my head, and feel very very touched and end up with a dreamy expression on my face----
as i was doing discharge summaries.

i decided to take after my altruistic co-intern's example and offer some help to students when he's busy. the students never contacted me again after initial encounter. 囧... maybe i just have "in fact i don't really have time for you despite saying i do" written all over my face... more 囧...
but the other day i met this girl who was stealthily doing a long case on my patient at a rather late time of the day. and she shrank bk with a anxious guilty expression whenever she saw ppl... even me 囧...
she reminded me a lot of myself.
filled with empathy, i probably had a momentary halo lit up above my head that time. i very kindly gave her my pager and told her to contact for anything.
....but she never contacted me since.
囧more and more....

masha has a new album. on the album cover he has this new 2-min-noodle hairstyle.
i am so horrified that i cant even decide whether i can still like him or not.
surely someone with such horrible taste... >.<.........
still traumatised.... i mean even if say he suddenly gets elevated BMI i think i will understand....
but we will see, maybe he will end up saying some insightful words about his 2min noodles.
or maybe his new album will be so good that i can overlook everything else. ^-^

one of my patients went to pcu. i admitted him. he's demented, can't swallow, non-responsive. He stares blankly at watever during those precious conscious moments.
but his heart rate goes up everytime in anxiety, if his wife was not there holding his hands.
him be confused or alert.
i think my facial muscle spasmed in an attempt to smile when i saw his wife this morning.
but maybe it never did. i just had a tactile hallucination.

our new reg is a reali nice person. wei thinks he's like a soft toy. O.O
am sure wei has a secret list of soft-toy-like ppl, he will just add him to his collection of favourites.
When he goes home they will all come out to play~~~~
i probably still live in horrid anticipatory fascination that i will sooner or later meet a really mean horrible reg, after all those nice ones.
i will save my tears til then.

i somehow miss the last few wks when i don't crave for food and can skip meals without feeling much.
cold weather makes me preoccupied with food.
i feel very very satisfied after a hot meal with hot soup.
and with hot water to follow for the rest of the night.
好幸福~

atrophy

2009-04-19T19:27:00.005+09:30

sometimes i wonder if psych gave me the false impression that i am as gd as everyone else and could handle things really well and since i had it first i naturally assume that it is the baseline and probably will continue to be in loss + fear as i maladaptively cope with the rest of the year...
there must be something therapeutic abt the psych ppl that made me function so well for that 11 wks... i remember my anxiety level in the first wks or so was so elevated... but probably how my reg and consultant spoke... just calmed me down... despite the stresses, despite the med covers, i still looked forward to each day.
that miraculous ability to speak in confidence patience and kindness is slowly leaving me...
that eagerness to refine my language everyday, to just want to take after my reg's example and hoping one day i can be as good as her...
no more.
i fear each day that i will be back to my baseline broca atrophy. (and THAT made me fear everything else as well...)
that day isn't far away. >.<
Lord HELP.

R U serious...

2009-04-03T20:27:00.004+10:30

R U serious.........
apart from swearing words this is probably the line i invariably wake up saying this week.
and i have indeed become more disinhibited with my choice of words...
if i am still in psych and do a risk ax of myself i will certainly write: verbally abusive, indicative of underlying aggression and poorly controlled impulsivity, need constant monitoring from nursing staff.

but as soon as i walk out of my room such high risk remarks degrade into some superficially calm + jovial depersonalised emotions.

i should be feeling ashamed... but i am so depersonalised that i cant even feel it. >.<

R U serious.......
.....that i am doing this?
i feel so numb when i type up DCS completely uninterested in watever the whole plan was for watever pt i was doing it for.
i felt even less when my patient died in a code blue. when he was lying there i didnt even recognise him. when ppl dragged his half naked body out i did not feel the slightest sympathy nor need to be distressed.
he probably had a much more fruitful life than my methadone lady, but i just didnt care.
i must admit i am not getting much sense of fulfillment out of gen med. despite doing things i felt wat i did were so meaningless.
i miss the cute PW girl who ran to us so happily just to shake our hands, who pout and stared into our faces when we were busy and tried hard not talking to her.
i even miss the aggro man who threatened everyday to kill his treating doctors. i wish i could have just spared him 15 mins to talk about his meds when he was distressed.
gosh i still wished i had the chance to talk to them more, to say goodbye to all of them before i left.
they have their new intern to talk to now. they wont even remember me anymore >.<

I have not been able to recall words from Yukawa-sensei even once this wk.
I was glad that i still can talk with extra patience to old grumpy patients plagued by anxiety/depressive symptoms late at night and get my warm fuzzy feelings when they responded with a smile.
but its not a gd feeling when i realise i treat med students worse than i treat psych patients.
my dear co-intern was patient and supportive throughout. its indeed a bright comic relief mistakenly getting those "sweet" pgs from students with private mobile numbers attached...*cough* hope you have enjoyed being the rose among the thorns~ :D
my reg did not tell me off... not even once. even when i did not do a WR when i was meant to. >.< been having nice regs since start of the year... i will save my tears when i meet a horrible one in future rotations.
i miss the times when i could present so well every wk during psych, taking after my lovely old reg's example, remembering every detail of the pts not even having to look thru the notes for once. broca atrophied again today infront of consultant. >.<
but its only 1st wk. maybe by 3rd wk i will look forward to grilling...
like how i looked forward to M/S grilling from my lovely old consultant who smiled his sweet disturbing smile and wanted to swim in pts' poo. :D
Be hopeful.

during all these silent aggression/depersonalisation, the Lord still spoke to me this wk.
the words in repetition, were just want i needed to survive.
Psalm 90:17 establish the work of our hands for us—
yes, establish the work of our hands.

Joshua 1:6 "Be strong and courageous, because you will lead these people to inherit the land I swore to their forefathers to give them. 7 Be strong and very courageous.
Joshua 1:9 Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be terrified; do not be discouraged, for the LORD your God will be with you wherever you go."

nowadays i dont feel insulted/distressed when ppl say occasional harsh words. maybe i have not just depersonalised.
maybe i am coping.
please forgive me for the silent aggression.

Red Moon

2009-02-14T08:31:00.006+10:30

it was red moon last night, as i was driving home.
Red moon = kyo, kyoshiro, yuya-san, akari-dono, and yukimura-sama
unfortunately yukimura-sama wont have a birthday this yr.

had 2 reali busy days with minimal decision-making input. Reg kindly informed me that she will be away on monday. likely we will have at least 2 aggressive ppl stepping down into renal failure, one of them also refusing methadone & going into withdrawal, a couple CK+++++ on clozapine, another few of previously uncontactable dissatified families on the phone, plus a big pot of other varieties of biopsychosocial problems to deal with.
No worries. i will still be on adrenaline rush or whatever stress response after trauma from the sunday cover.

Despite all these, i still love psych.
and at least, none of my doctors r horrid ppl uptight and mean to others and irresponsible themselves.
i should really be grateful.

by chance i saw this picture in some website.
She's the most beautiful woman from my memory.
Happy Valentine's Day, Rika Akana.

Beautiful Day

2009-02-06T19:16:00.007+10:30

Happy birthday Masha.
I had a good day today, but not because of Masha.
Masha is not my lucky charm and will never be.
But as I grow old, i want to aim to be an honest and insightful person like masha.
and it doesnt matter if i am still going to be over-anxious about everything.
if i am going to lose sleep over my job or watever performances.
if i am still going to be passive and unconfident.
if i am going to be desperate about not getting married in my thirties.
Masha has been like so. i can be like so, and still be a useful person comfortable with myself.

I remember my reg last wk telling my consultant something about when she was feeling overwhelmed on the ward she would come to epping plaza pet paradise to look at baby doggies to de-stress. I was horrified that a person so smart and organised and assertive like her would be overwhelmed by the nurses.
well i think i had a taste of it this wk. I found this one nurse so horrid that comparing to her everyone else were angels.
however experiences with her were actually very entertaining in retrospect.
i will call her Obasan.
our first conversation went like this:
Obasan: (sunddenly with a loud high pitched patronising voice drawing out every last syllable) D-O-C-T-O-RRRRRRR..
YN: Yes? (startled, unconfidently polite)
Obasan: blah blah needs leave medicationnnnn... have you done blah blah's ONL medicationsss????
YN:(uncertain shocked anxiety): I sent blah blah's medications 1 minute ago...(didnt i ? HEY OF COURSE I DID!!!!)
Obasan: (wounded and offended): i was just askkkking i wasnt being rudddde...i was trying to be niccccee and politttte and just asskkkkking uuuu...*for the next 10 mins)
YN: ( 囧X100) *smile X100*: no worries no worries... X100
10mins later
Obasan: SO... have you done blah blah's ONL medicationssss???
YN (in slow primary school teaching rate and clarity of speech): I have written up blah blah's medications 11 minutes ago and sent that in the chute 10 minutes ago and it should be in pharmacy now.
Obasan:*pause* *pause* *pause* (confused look thinking hard for 5 mins)
YN: *in a frozen stupified 囧 state now*
5mins later
Obasan: OKKKK then... just leave it to meeeeee... i will sort it outtttt....
YN: *still in stupified 囧 state wondering if i was thought-disordered or her*

囧is my best friend.
she would be terrorising other nurses at 12pm about 8am bloods for a patient, 2 hrs after the results were documented in the notes right infront of her.
If she was asked gently and politely of something she would immediately turn and loudly command another nurse: DOCTORRRR wants u to give the information for....
To avoid hearing her chasing voice, i came in early today and prepared all the discharge paperwork in front of the folder for reg. No effect. Reg got patronisingly spoken to as soon as she arrived at the nursing station.
Obasan: (demanding like the queen of the ward) blah blah is getting discharged todayyyyyy... you havent done any of the paperworkkkkk blah blah blah....
before i could turn back and tell her firmly that things were done I heard something that just made me laugh~
Obasan: *flipping open the folder to proven her point*---*saw paper work there*---*paused*---then to reg:
SEE! I already put the paperwork there for you to signnn, i even put stickers on for youuuuu...
It was just so childishly horrid to the point of being hilarious.
but she "worked" REALLY hard. not even having lunch by half past 2. as i looked at her with horrid fascination i realised that if i dont use my brain efficiently but always saying i am busy and working hard and not having lunch...
I would be as HORRID as her.

I had to run away at lunchtime. New reg being so nice offered to take the admission herself so i could sort things out. >.<
much thanks to wei's timely help my salary package is finally sorted out. i was still too overwhelmed to even talk then. when i came back worried that i took too long, i realised with great relief that my prev consultant hadnt done his teaching session yet and i could still attend.
Then i spotted my prev reg in the reg's office typing up d/c summaries. consultant and reg caught up and i just felt happy to see them again.
i think i felt rather attached deep down.
i think because of them i started to like my job, despite my complete lack of confidence.
During last week everyday driving on the road i felt like i want to burst into tears. i think i am just too grateful they were so nice then and didnt contribute in anyway to exacerbate my sense of trauma or self-pity.
But i wont be talking about them too much from now on. Anything more would be pathological.

This week i felt better. At least no longer bursting into tears in the car. Peaceful relations at home. I am like an Alzheimer patient after some anxious distraught traumatic uncertainty period finally received my sentence. the acceptance of the inevitable made me calm.

I will not forget what has been most important.
God has been so merciful in the past few weeks.
So merciful that sometimes i wonder if terrible me is really worth all that trouble..
if i have no confidence that i will continue endeavour to commit and surrender in the future.
when i knelt down in distress He listened and made things happen, without needing much patience on my behalf.
if not for His strength I would have took everything out on fob tabloids and not be committed to my work at all.
if not for His blessing I would not have had such nice tolerant non-stressful doctors who were so easy to work with.
and maybe... I NEEDED this PSYCH rotation at this particular time to cope with all these.
I am still really scared that my offering would be made out to be Matt 15:5-6 when it really wasnt the case. >.<

I have emptied it all. i feel much better. Now i can rest and enjoy my weekend.

Happy Birthday Masha~

2009-02-04T18:30:00.006+10:30

masha is turning 40 this friday.
the thought of that made me very happy too.
Happy birthday Masha, I hope you will have a very very good time.
And thank you for all your encouraging words.

last year i have decided that when i start to earn money i will support my favourite stars and buy non-pirated stuff.
Anyways i will start with Masha. :D
will also check online dvd stores for some of the BBC series i had wanted to watch for a long long time...
and cant wait till saturday when i can go shopping! will bring home beloved sherlock, hugging it all the way on the train. *hearts*(i hope reader's feast will still have stock...>.<)
i have been out of touch with non-fob stuff for a long time. only realised recently that a new Sherlock movie is in the making... starring robert downey jnr. To me his crude hollywood feel REALLY doesnt suit holmes, but we will see...

i feel better on the psych ward now. Sometimes yukawa-sensei's word just flash before my eyes and make me touched:
There is no useless gear in this world. Each gear will have to determine its own use.
its an interesting saying to reflect upon in the psych ward.

i realised i will never get the Suzuki SX4 that i liked.
but i still want to see Turkey and Spain sometime in the next few years.
and i still want to visit sherlock in london.

i guess i will always find a way to make things happen, if i first make it clear to myself that i want them bad enough.

ha~ maybe abnormal

2009-01-28T14:42:00.006+10:30

Mum made sure things are miserable at home.
i am ashamed to say that my road rage has recently resurfaced, speeding, breaking hard, swearing inside my head, almost went thru a red light today. >.<
While feeling so labile this morning, reg's nice words almost made me cry. Maybe there is indeed this special species of "female asian non-melbourne doctors" who are just so similarly extra kind and tolerant: Danielle, GP last year, tiff-like reg who leaves by the end of the week. >.<
Consultant has been extra nice. despite my poor english and broca's atrophy, the mental state grilling after each ward round has been what i've enjoyed most about this job.

Thank you irene for being my bucket this lunchtime. >.<
hopefully can find alison tomorrow in ED. Aliken on leave will probably enjoy the company of "Ken-chan"... :D

i am weaning myself off the excessive tabloids, and will go back to writing.
I feel too old to waste time.
Hopefully avolition will not escalate, and I can perservere.

Masha is officially turning 40 next month, working as hard as ever. He recently wrote a new song dedicated to his grandma, with 2 lines of the lyrics as following:
encountering others, trusting others, being hurt by others
hating others, forgiving others, then understanding others

this coming from Masha, is really... enough for me.

I discovered another beautiful chinese tv series while feeling miserable: The adventure story of a king and his grp of friends helping ppl in distress and punishing bad ppl. Story funny and simple, but full of traditional flavour and the dialogues were just beautiful: beautiful classic vocab and lots of references to ancient literature, but so well put that even children can understand and be educated.
Really felt like something I would have enjoyed as a child.

The king was played by a not so well-known twnese actor, often seen playing baddies or DV men in those really auntie shows.囧...
but he looked SO GOOD in period costume...
and he looked a lot like Masha...
and he does this Galileo laugh in the series...

Something to enjoy definitely.
King
King and friends*大心*

"normal"

2009-01-23T21:21:00.005+10:30

I had a good day today.
this morning reg and consultant, with full smiles, came over to the HMO office after ECT, just to pick me up to go to breakfast with them. Consultant shouted us coffee, and reg waved to the counter lady: tax invoice tax invoice please! then turning to consultant: you need to salary package... blah blah blah~ LOL
then had lunch with reg... reg as petite as tiff... she ate this massive plate of chips.. o.O then consultant gave me and reg a tute on depression after lunch. He also suggested us to read Kafka. He found his works of interest in a psych way, very fine examples of thought disorders and ambivalence... o.O
i stayed "late" to the other HMO's horror, but finished most of the paperwork. slowly doing things more efficiently now.

i think i have been feeling very lonely at work, seeing mad ppl and nurses ONLY most of the time. I dont get a chance to run into ppl on wards or corridors. i dont get a chance to even lanpage ppl cos no one lanpages on the psych ward and it just doesnt work on the computers.
normal human contact can just make me very happy.
even wen i look back to my sunday cover i really wasnt so "traumatised". I actually felt good in a sense, able to talk to bei, occasionally paging sanka, and nice med reg always just a phone call away...
and the reason why monday morning was so "refreshing", was that reg and I did paperwork together and we chatted as we did things.

i liked psych so far, but i do realise the potential horror of it.
The sense of isolation can just be so overwhelming when you are flooded with mad ppl all day.
and i dont know... even though the med nurses were annoying with their pages...and i seriously derealised and depersonalised under pressure, but they just felt more "normal" and didnt make me feel so..."by myself"---in similar ways as how mad ppl made me feel.
thought hard about it, still cant rationalise my feelings.
and i thought i am so otaku that i would never mind being on my own... i never realised i only become really "on my own" when i cannot turn to the support of fobby stuff i enjoyed...

anyways nothing concrete, my impression of everything in 8 wks time may be very different.

reg told me the other day, rather sympathetically:
lots of psychiatrists are gay, many are lesbians, the rest have a 50% divorce rate.

LOL what a bleak prospect..

but i guess if one is in the habit of psychoanalysing everyone and does professional naming calling to those closest, its really not a surprise for one to end up divorced.
psych doctors dont have the right to look down and disrespect everyone else, deluded that they have the power of mind reading.
neither does a church person have the right to look down on the mental health system, just because they dont get such troubles.

mum has refused to allow me shouting her and dad a CNY dinner.
she sent out the message clear. i really want NOTHING, but ur obedience to my beneficial directions for u in life.
I cant help but think about what i read and remembered as a child: a magistrate who doesnt embezzle can be 10 times more horrible than a magistrate who does.
she has a long standing habit of making ppl feel bad during times of celebration.
but when i was driving, i saw an awesome number plate: FC 8888.
It made me laugh, and feel very 过年.
and i will go shopping tomorrow and forget about all that.

psychoed

2009-01-17T10:58:00.002+10:30

first week in psych. reg is assertive but nice, same surname as tiff, similar height as tiff, dress sense similar too. first few days I did have to think for half a second before i called out her name.
consultant is new but also nice. he can tell the most disturbing sarcastic joke with the calmest and kindest smile. We were informed that HDU is due to close for plumbing problems, and he cheerfully suggested we could be all swimming in patients' poo. If i wasnt so stressed i would have had a gd laugh, at how disturbing his thoughts can be. i did some terrible mental states, but at least remembered the negative symptoms of schizo. He may still find me vaguely educatable, and hence suggested that he will educate me more next wk when we get time.
all sounds good, but---

i see a me in every psych patient i see.

the man with the strong religious ideations, who would not let anyone use any inappropriate words to describe his beliefs.
the woman who distresses and bothers every staff on the ward and later apologises profusely to everyone's disgust, on a daily basis.
the man who attempted suicide and later so cheerfully said he's so grateful that he was saved. He would hate to part with his love---his roomful of star trek collections.
I frowned and so quickly pulled away from that childish labile woman who cried to me in distress: I dont want to talk! Talking doesnt help! Let me go home! Medication didnt help me at all!
and 10 hrs later I did and said exactly the same things, kneeling beside my bed in distress:
i dont want to talk! praying doesnt help! church stuff wont help! i want to be back in SH...

i do this to God...
so I wont have to do this to other people...
so i wont have to do this in HDU...
so ...

I never thought i am "LUCKY" when mum doesnt want me to pay home monthly after working, i knew other demands would come, but i underestimated how quickly they would come.
and in such a disgusting way they came.

i still have my choices, could easily ignore her.
but i cant pull myself out of the anger and misery now.
the thought of having to drag myself to a different church this arvo made me more miserable and i have decided not to even try.
and i dont know how much stress i can handle tomorrow in such a state.

I used to think my first pay can at least make me excited and motivated for a short while.
It probably wont.
and it will probably become like Cain's offering, when i am feeling so terrible.

end of last yr i strangely thought to myself...
if intern year gets really bad... i still want to live till i see Masha playing Sakamoto Ryoma in the 2010 taiga drama.
it may come to use, when i am feeling bad and become so short-visioned and amotivated.
Just like how we have to rely on that man's star trek when planning his discharge.
So terrible.

antibiotics, anhedonia, ugly uncles... and the rest

2009-01-05T14:20:00.008+10:30

I am back.
Whenever i think of those words, the image of red haired kenshin smiling under a bright blue sky always appears before my eyes.
the shanghai church I used to go to was renovating and temporarily closed, and kinder friend is away in the US, so i went to another church.
It was such a good church.
over 2 weeks I heard 2 pastors preaching really insightful life-related sermons. this is like the first time i heard china pastors preaching insightful sermons.
I was so amazed.
and the church has really clean toilets. many aunties in the toilet were saying with great satisfaction: hey the toilet here is really good...blah blah... :D
who knows? who knows if someone would come to church... for the clean toilets?

Abuse
to save family from fear anxiety and bad mood following any minor sickness i squandered money and excessively self-medicated traditional anti-inflammatories +/- antibiotics at the earliest sign of a mucousy throat throughout my stay in china.
and i didnt get a cold.
and family was happy.
and because of that i am happy, in my sense of achievement, like an absolute medical illiterate.

Anhedonia
my local hairdresser was handsome and looked alot like leehom, and he was friendly and kind and flattered me saying i looked only 20...
but i was scared of being ripped off and lied through my teeth telling him i was pov and from kunming... o.O
and i was too anhedonic to establish any meaningful conversation despite all his sweet talking efforts.

when i walked out from my home in shanghai there was always a group of neighbouring old ladies sitting outside gossiping/cleaning veggies/enjoying the wintry sun.
i disliked them cos i was too anhedonic to greet gossiping strangers and be friendly to them everytime i walked out of my house.
but when i dragged my luggages out on the last day the group of them sitting there all warmly waved me goodbye, even the ones i never bothered to look or smile at.
i was touched, and felt bad.

i think anhedonia is a bad thing.

Ugly uncles
i think i am falling in love with chinese historical dramas again.
over the years i became very disillusioned with those, when they invariably attempted to paint emperor characters as heroes, portraying dictating self-righteousness as a majestic air, and cruel stupid sacrifice of their subordinates as intelligent noble necessity.
completely lacking the humane touch and interesting characters of jap taiga dramas.
but this time i watched a good one... a really good one.
and i watched 50 episodes in 3 days.
i became interested in this series because one of my favourite uncle actors was playing the genius prime minister and his rich scholarly girlfriend was played by one of my favourite actresses.
well might give it a try just to watch the cute couple, as i thought.

the story turned out to be surprisingly engaging, history simple but not downgraded, details and dialogues made so interesting that even my grandma enjoyed the political and military stuff in the series.
most importantly, the king character, who unconditionally supported the prime minister, was surprisingly sincere, honest and convincing.
he was played by a really ugly uncle actor who used to play handsome & morally suspicious businessman characters in many series, hence i disliked him.
but now i am all hearts over the ugly king, and his smart ascetic girlfriend.
when a chinese historical drama is good... nothing can compare.

the genius prime minister
the ugly uncle king

Red Cliff
New year i watched Red Cliff I on TV...
surprisingly good. so glad i didnt miss it.
I resisted seeing it cos I could not accept the idea of Takeshi Kaneshiro playing Zhuge liang. To me he's the typical brainless handsome man who can never handle such a genius character.
yet he was beyond my expectation. by the end of the movie he convinced me that he was Zhuge liang.
much better than tony leung, despite his frequent appearances and that revitalised face, could not convince me that he was Zhou yu.
and i cringed every time he was going mushy with that taiwanese lady. they must be one of the most horrid screen couples.
but but... to my joy... i saw the lovely ugly king again in Red Cliff :D he was playing Lu su, the Waston-like good-hearted sidekick to Zhou yu, who's also kind and friendly to Zhuge liang. *all hearts again*
Really looking forward to Red Cliff II, and hoping for the unlikely opportunity to see it somewhere on big screen.

KIDS
when i was straightening my hair and feeling rather anhedonic, this little glasses boy sat down opposite me.
his mother was busy doing hair and just left him in the hands of the hairdressers, who left him there for like 20mins+...
he has really high rising eye brows which gave him a perpectual startled lost expression on him face...
poor kid...
he was really shy... hesitated lots and spoke very little as the hairdresser asked him questions. only when the hairdresser was about to start his job the boy finally said some words...
surprisingly clear... stating wat he wanted with a very professionally hairdressing, almost anatomical term...
everyone who heard it was rather impressed.
he was unmoved, went back to his silent startled face.
*all hearts*
i used to think only stupid binge-eating kids are cute.
now i've changed my mind. smart kids can be really cute too.

the olympics lip syncing girl now does many ads.
she has the most sickening attention-seeking smile on her face.
everytime i see her on tv i want to hit her.
maybe i have the potential to be a child abuser. o.........O

Suspect X
My face was beaming with love when i saw the cover of "yougisha X no kenshin" in the bookshop.
could not believe i finally own a copy of it.
raced home with excitement, read it over and over again.

when i read it first i felt no sympathy towards ishigami-sensei.
only the noble words of yukawa-sensei touched me.
this time as i read it again and again, i suddenly found Ishigami-sensei really touching as well,
as he is meant to be.

things-to-get
i thought for many years: when i get my first salary the first thing i will go and buy is a set of annotated sherlock holmes.
as this day draws close, i guess i have to decide that there are much more important things to do, much more important stuff to buy.
so dear sherlock has to wait a while more.
and after sherlock...
i will buy non-pirated masha CDs & DVDs... and other favourites...
and...
and...
and...
I have alogia, avolition, anhedonia... and zero confidence.
and I start working the day after next.
>___<
ganbatte ne to myself.

YOU

2008-10-18T15:49:00.018+10:30

I have realised wen i stop blogging I dont spend the time studying but do things even less constructive. I've been wanting to write this for a long time but my avolition has already escalated to a new high... >.<
So to be at least baseline constructive, i will try to at least update this everyday so hopefully i'd have spilled out everything i want to say by the end of the semester.

Language
I realised only recently that certain words in chinese can never be full translated into english and certain words in english can never be fully translated to chinese. "shock" is much more than "震惊", and "献身" is more than "sacrifice" or "devotion".
I have been thinking lately much about the word "幸福". It is more than "happiness", more than "wellbeing", more than "satisfaction"... there just seems to be a much more subjective feel and much stronger emotion attached to it.
irene on quite a few occasions has said that binge eating while watching TV always makes her feel 好幸福~
*深情呼唤Irene同学~~~~~*
Whenever i recall you saying this, I also feel 好幸福. =D

The love"s" of my life
One day i was re-watching Galileo for the Nth time and going starry eyes over Yukawa-sensei for the Nth time. My dad kindly commented on the side: its OOKKK, one day you will move on... Just remember how crazy you were about Slamdunk~ and now you have moved on~ blah blah blah~
well I guess I never told him that over the years I have written 300 000 words for slamdunk...
and hence I guess he will never know that I dont move on but only acculmulate...
If i tell him... I am sure he will become like this poor daddy in the picture :D

Transference
I still get much salvation cringe and sometimes horridly think how good it will be if Christian lives do not involve evangelism.
I know that i am weak and horrible and desperate and totally cannot handle pain. thats why I need God BAD...really BAD...
but i am in no position to force others to feel like me or to flash my weaknesses as some sort of spiritual superiority...
hence i fear, doubt, hesitate, and do not move.
The other day I looked at the clock and knelt down to pray and then looked at the clock again after praying: 2 minutes. o.O
I never prayed well and still dont pray well. For me to express thoughts into spontaneous spoken language has always been a difficult and tiring task. Apart from desperate circumstances when the pain of the situation itself became intolerable, not praying helped me to avoid thinking about the problems I face, the things I selfishly want, the things I fear to lose etc etc etc.
So i could avoid pain.
hence i fear, doubt, hesitate, and do not speak.
sometimes i wonder whats the difference between myself and that overwt hypertensive depressed pensioner sitting across me.
We both need to change things to be healthy and feel better.
yet we feel bad, and that stopped us from doing anything.

Can you keep a secret?
I am passively hostile. I do not easily overcome my fears. I find one subgroup of God's creation absolutely repulsive. I cannot love everyone the same, many people I dont love as Christ have loved me. I rather sit in isolation and turn my own imaginary world into words, than spend the time to talk and smile and be kind & warm to people.
Otaku Christians will find it easier to do daily Bible reading & devotions. Articulate Christians will find it easier to pray long touching prayers, to preach beautiful sermons, and to evangelise. Dependent Christians will find it easier to love and forgive, and head strong Christians will find it easier to stand firm in one's faith. Many times I have wished that I could have another's personality traits so that it will be much easier to be a good child of God, many times my own weaknesses have driven me mad...
i dont know when my own failures will cause too much harm to others, or be too much for myself to endure.
but let me cling again to those words of 2 Cor 12:9-10 :
But he said to me,"My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness."
Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me.

Grow up to be like you
It sounds absolutely retarded and disgusting for me to say such words at 24 years of age. LOL but such is my genuine feeling...LOL more...
if its retarded & disgusting then just let it be retarded & disgusting. :D

Masha has been doing many magazine interviews and again left a bucketful of genuine insightful words. One paragraph says:
Recently lots of people believed that they need to be constantly "in love".
Well I personally don't believe so.
Love which is always trying and always wiling to taste failure probably is...wonderful.
however, a love thats attained reluctantly is not a good thing.
When i was in my 20s i always thought that love and relationship were not necessities for me.
At that time, I would be thinking: hmm...I don't really want relationship badly... maybe I am really weird?...
At that time, even if I was on my own, I totally did not mind but rather enjoyed it.
I thought that days without "love", would allow my own life to become more fulfilled, which was very important for me.

And now... time on my own is still important.
But i do not want to be always on my own.
I used to be very scared of watching The Prophecies of Nostradamus.
Nowadays I find that, if i am still single when i become old--
it is even more scary. *Laughes*

Now I find masha's attitude in his 20s very agreeable.
but i will turn older and uglier, and when my heart grow wan and sallow, I will become desperate.
Maybe that time anyone will do as long as its a male.
maybe that time even the most repulsive will become my golden catch.
but maybe...I will still remain weird.

I hope when that day comes, I will remember how positive and honest Masha's words were.
and that I can be at least positive and honest about it like Masha.
and not use righteous noble selfless spirtual words to colour my own desperation or weaknesses.

Meanwhile I really hope for Masha to find a gf and get married soon and start a happy family and breed lots of little mashas. :D

Which reminds me.... there are talks that Maya Miki sama is in a stable relationship and is planning to get married soon.
*hearts* X 10
no surprise... she is still so pretty and attractive at 44~ of course she will be married soon!

well i hope Maya Miki sama will start a happy family and breed lots of pretty healthy talented little maya mikis (though my medical instinct is rather worried..>.<) LOL
and i still hope I can be half as beautiful as Maya Miki sama when i am an aunty. *giggle*

I would rather die than to...
though i've always been so terrible at prayers, seeing words such as these could immediately shatter me and send me straight on my knees.
http://www.tianya.cn/publicforum/content/funinfo/1/1278800.shtml
It is rather sad and disturbing to see people feeling such hatred and anger towards something they know so little about.
However I really do not find it hard to understand and forgive and even identify with these people's emotions and thoughts.
On the contrary I turn livid with fury and still struggle to forgive those:
-who with a serious and self-righteous face said with absolute certainty that she doesnt believe there is a thing called mental illness.
-who articulately spoke uplifting emotionally charged words which really turned out to be saying that she believes that troubling insomnia is caused by rejection of God and Christians dont or shouldnt have such grievances.
i could not tolerate to see ppl after becoming Christians believe their own ignorance is God's truth and not even have basic respect and empathy for human suffering.
-__-||||| *just because u dont have it now... doesnt mean...
ok i should stop here. I DO do 10 times more terrible things than these good people.
and i live in constant fear that i will become like that without me knowing, on top of my already existent terribleness.

i enjoyed the psych patients in gp. I enjoyed more how my gp treated them not as an inferior species but equal people and her friends. I enjoyed the way how she spoke of them not with negativity or horrid fascination but with love and concern, even when they were not there.
Before the rotation started I lived in amused cynical anticipation of this definite terrible finish to my med student years. I expected five weeks of terribleness and actually received 5 weeks of blessings. despite my excessive pre-exam anxiety now i look back to it and can still say i enjoyed it. nowadays when i drive pass MGP... i feel warm and happy.
Thank you Lord, that was... really unexpected.
and...
No, if I ever become a GP, i dont have to die.

The First of Everything
I had my first car crash this year.
Mum sank into black fury for a few days. To her a crash should never never happen to a car she recently fixed and polished and etc.
I had my first operation (just dental stuff LOL) this year.
dad was horrified to see me vomiting by the sink because of pain. To him such things should never never happen to a overall healthy person.
Maybe despite my avolition, I have "achieved" a few things.
and maybe next year I will "achieve" more... with much pain and reluctance, and horrified expressions from parents.
for example: the first anaphylaxis i will cause~ the first metabolic alkalosis i will cause~ the first patient i will kill....
I am looking at myself horrified...now.

Songs
sometimes i wonder if i would want to go clubbing... if they play songs which i like.
eg. chitose hajime...
LOL that was just a joke. i mean even just Seamo, or Core of Soul.
Haruno Katami by Chitose Hajime always makes me feel touched...and emotional.
Love Somebody by Yuji Oda always makes me feel very Christmasy and cheerful no matter how gloomy my day is.
Ageha by Core of Soul always makes me feel positive and can always bring a smile to my face.
And YOU by Fukuyama Masaharu..
always makes me feel secure and comforted.

Maybe this paragraph will sound so much better... if i mention names of P&W songs.

But I will be honest.

Future
I have realised that I really didn't like med... for the past 6 years. I enjoyed my time spent here, i enjoyed the friends i made, i treasure all the memories of the 6 years and will always look back at them with fondness.
But I do not like medicine.
While ppl on blogs may talk here and there about exam topics, about interesting things they have learned, about progresses they have made, or just mention it as part of their daily lives--
I had not even the slightest interest and did not want to talk about anything medical.
It is rather depressing when I come to this realisation.

But I have to stay positive, at least for now and at least for next year.
And I will stay positive.

I will look forward to my future with Masha's words..again.
Masha who spoke so reasonably and insightfully about everything.
Masha who's not afraid to say that he's desperate.
Masha who lost sleep worrying over the popularity of his show and shared his fear with everyone.
Masha who admitted that he is overcautious and anxious about everything and needs to alway over-prepare before he goes into action.

To be able to pursue a career that you really like, is a very difficult thing.
but if you have strong & persistent willpower,
there will be opportunities for you to find something you really like.
Even if you can't find it, it shouldn't be too far away.
And no matter what kind of job it is, no matter whether it is suitable for you or not,
You can always enjoy your work, and make discoveries in what you do.

Thank you, you are one of those very rare people who convinced and inspired the negative fearful cynical me who distrust almost everything.
Looking forward to more encouraging words from you next year.

The End
I have been wondering. Should I finish off with Eaglewood Dust with the end of this blog?
I don't know.
These days I seem to not want to make any decisions, or take any responsibilities.
Maybe its just fearful anticipation of the future.

Regardless of it all, this is what I will trust.
My flesh and my heart may fail,
but God is the strength of my heart
and my portion forever.

And pray let me never lose this trust.

Chinese tales

2008-09-24T14:28:00.011+09:30

reading 八卦 really can brighten up your day. recently i discovered that chinese short stories from thousand yrs ago are hilarious and awesome...
i will translate a few, anyone whos interested in the more gross stuff..*evil grin"...plz read it urself :D
warning: disturbing contents if you are fob and understand the language
http://cache.tianya.cn/publicforum/content/funinfo/1/941605.shtml

There was once a very handsome wealthy student. When he was travelling to do exams in the capital he found accomodation in a monk's house. Every moring he woke up to see his desk & chair & brush & ink all cleaned and arranged in perfect order. He even got daily fresh flowers in his vase. The student started dreaming: people usually say there are lots of beautiful fox spirits in this area. maybe there is one here and she is attracted to me, hence doing all these things for me.:D He was hoping for that with all his heart till one night he broke a corner of the paper window and looked into his study. No surprise he saw someone tidying the room for him, but the person was not a beautiful girl, but a bulky bearded middle aged man! He was horrified and moved house the next day, when he was moving he could hear sighing in the air... O.O

foxy violence
A family had a loft occupied by a family of fox spirits. Everyday they could hear the fox spirits talking and laughing, but they never harmed other people so the family just let them be. One day people gathered in the house and heard fighting noises from the loft, everyone sat closer to it to listen to 八卦. :D Then they heard a voice asking them: gentlemen from downstairs, please tell me: how can a wife bash up her husband like this??? There was one among those downstairs who just had a fight with his wife and he still had a fresh wound on his face from the fight. so people all laughed and told the fox: such things happen a lot these days. No surprise! the fox spirits laughed too after hearing that and stopped their domestic violence. :D

son & water
A magistrate's daughter had obsessive unrequited love for a scribe working under her dad, so she secretly sent her servant girl to bring her the water in which the scribe washed his hand. she drank the water and became pregnant and gave birth to a son. When the child can walk the magistrate brought the kid out for him to point out his dad. The child ran up and hugged the scribe. The scribe was so horrified and pushed the child away. The child fell, and became a pool of water. The magistrate interrogated his daughter, after he found out what happened, he forced the scribe to marry his daughter. 囧

a desiring heart
a peasant found an egg and started dreaming: the egg will hatch a chicken, chicken will produce more egg, more egg turn into more chicken, next month i will have 15 chicken, 15 will become 300, i can use the 300 to swap to 150 oxen, and in the end i can use the oxen to buy a concubine. His wife was furious and smashed the egg. The couple went to see the magistrate. husband cried: this evil woman has destroyed all my properties! magistrate asked: where is your property? how did she destroy it? Husband told the story of the egg and the concubine. magistrate mused: this much property! all gone because of your wife!of course she deserves to be punished. The woman cried: all he said was just in his imagination! Why am i guilty? Magistrate asked: He is no way close to getting a concubine yet! why were you jealous? Woman replied: I am just cutting the root of all evil. Magistrate laughed: he has greed. you have jealousy. Both unrealistic and excessive. In your illusions experiencing such satisfaction or hatred is just pointless and absurd.

anyways ancient chinese ppl are funny ppl. :D
on another note i wonder if i will get to see this movie in cinemas when i go back. *hearts*

china's most famous love triangle in its latest version. :D
the good ppl

the evil guy

apparently the evil guy is not so evil this time but equally good and cute... O.O

these days i really dont want to miss out any fob prettiness but want to see/read every thing and enjoy as much as possible. *hearts* i believe next yr my exposure to fobby stuff will drastically decline which will be very sad... cant read too much 八卦 anymore when i start working. >.< (though i have seen this very 强悍 surg reg openly playing some online rpg on hospital computer *sweat*) 呜呜呜~ i will surely miss all the 八卦... :(

ps. mum and dad will go bk to SH in october. :D YAY!
pps. i am bad... i have not studied... >.<

pretty ppl & beautiful kids

2008-09-16T20:45:00.008+09:30

i will write a blog without talking about masha... :D

anyways... reali old twnese series are so beautiful... the other day i had a reali gd discussion about olden day dramas with an aunty at church. we remember many of the old 琼瑶 series with such fondness cos the actresses were all so pretty, then we sighed: the gals in 琼瑶 series nowadays are really not pretty at all... >.<
and today i was just watching the theme song video of this reali old series over and over again... I watched the series in grade 2... thought all the female actresses were so pretty(i even thought the evil mother-in-law was really pretty too)...
and its gd to bring bk those beautiful memories.
the main actress was a famous hongkie actor who went mad and now lives an impoverished despised life. so sad... >.<

i dont like very pretty brighted-eyed smart-looking kids... but i absolutely adore those who have reali squinty eyes and a typical troubled look on their faces.
My fav child is this girl i saw once at church. Pastor was preaching a sermon, and i think the mother wanted to keep the girl quiet so she brought out this huge bag of snacks for her to eat during the sermon.
she had a mushroom head, chubby face, and seasame-like eyes. For the whole sermon she turned her back to the pulpit, staring blankly into all our faces, and silently munching on her snacks NON-STOP.
and all this time with this sad...troubled...perplexed expression on her face, despite how satisfied she was with her bagful of snacks.
when the pastor finished the sermon i was all hearts and flowers. :D

for a while I didn't see her, now I dont even know whether she is still in church or not... *cries*

My Favourite Physicist

2008-09-05T22:36:00.006+09:30

the movie Yougisha X no Kenshin (容疑者Xの献身)will be shown in less than 1 month time.
in elated anticipation i went back and had another read of the novel highlights---
---and realised...
Its not because of Masha that I started to like Yuka-sensei, its because of Yuka-sensei that I started to like Masha.
and its more because of Yuka-sensei in the novel than in the tv series.

Yougisha X no Kenshin is so popular, because its a touching story about a perfect crime committed sacrificially by a mathematician for the person he loves.
However I was 10 times more touched by Yuka-sensei when i read of him saying the following words:
这个世上没有无用的齿轮，也只有那个齿轮能决定自己的用途。
There is no useless gear in this world, and only that gear itself can determine its use.
only after all the mysteries unfolded in the story can you realise how noble and merciful those words were.
*tears streaming down like seaweed* Yuka-sensei~ *hearts*

Ending theme for the movie is beautiful, Masha wrote & composed & played the song so of course :D

i went in for a 4-hr cover-shift with Danielle tonite... initially thought i will just leave abit early and crash young adults later. then had a IV for a old man and failed twice... 囧... (and I feel sorry for him cos he's frail and demented and couldnt complain or refuse or yell at stupid med student...)more 囧...
so wen everything is done its already 930... and hence: me so tired so i will just drive home now... despite having taken most of the day off and had a haircut and enjoyed myself with food and various other things.

but otherwise it was peaceful and slack and we had a prolonged dinner. :D danielle was telling me about the impossible work load and i advised her to utilise her med students as much as possible next wk *LOL　I hope Alison wont mind...* :D
and i told her about able to do my devotion every morning now b4 WR starts and feeling much happier b/c of that, and also about spotting a doctor in the northern who looked like Masha in his youth... *大心+ giggle + 害羞地跑开* :D
It was really good catching up and I am happy :D

so yeh these days still 囧 but happily running forward~

The "囧"ness of life

2008-08-23T13:36:00.007+09:30

recently 囧is the most fashionable word in chinese culture.
wat does it mean? well just imagine this character to be a face, and think about in what circumstances ppl would show such a face... :D

well first list a few of the very 囧things I did in the past wk:
IVs on monday... forgot to release the tourniquet and keeps on trying to clean away the blood. in the end the old lady released the tourniquet herself. and then i was freaked out thinking she will die of a clot. went on medtrak the next day to see if shes still in hospital... nope she was not. relieved but still 囧...

told by intern to call pediatric ward... not only i dun know the switchboard number... i also had broca's atrophy and dun remember the word "switch"... more 囧

friday morning woke up at 430 for no reason... felt so tired and angry at self for waking up so early so turned off my alarm and decided to sleep thru the day. drifted bk to semi consciousness but suddenly heard someone calling out my name in my delusion... jumped up and realised its 515... 囧.... definitely cant sleep after that so in the end actually made it to 6oclock ward round... 囧.......

friday nite after leaving kat's party for some reason took the lift and went into the wrong car park. wen i realised its not right the door behind me wat locked and couldn't get myself out of that dark deserted carpark... 囧... called dora in distress, then dora and jeremy came to my rescue and got me out... 呜呜呜~ this is indeed very 囧...

and the most 囧 thing is: i used to laugh at my dad for listening to fob brainless chinese radio station wenever hes driving. and these days i listen to it all the time wenever i drive... and i reali enjoy it... 囧

anyways these days busy and tired and inadequate... some days reali felt 2 Cor 12:9 was the only real thing to me. O....O but actually felt less negative and more focused in God so yeh will keep trusting His strength and work in me. :D

talking abt 囧ness it reminds me of one very 囧 thing i saw a long time ago. Once in SH i was shopping with a friend, we stopped at a jewellery stall and spotted a metallic cross pendant with a black plaque in the middle. looked very nice but wen we scrutinised closely... we saw 2 shiny characters inscribed on the plaque...
......
........
......................
the inscription read: F4.

yep thats it for now... next wk 囧 episode 2...

funny quotes

2008-08-15T17:37:00.003+09:30

2 quotes i saw today made me laugh:

1.爱情就像两个拉着橡皮筋的人，受伤的总是不愿意放手的那个.
Love is like 2 people holding an elastic band, the one who gets hurt is always the one who refuses to let go.

the next one is extremely funny...
2. 在此呼吁大家，学会修自己的笔记本……嗯，学会修自己的笔记本是很重要的……从前有个人，他不会修自己的笔记本……后来的事情大家都知道了
Here I am making a plea to everyone: learn to fix your laptop...yeh...to be able to fix your own laptop is very important...once upon a time there was a man, he didn't know how to fix his laptop...and we all know what happened after that.

Masha@Olympics

2008-08-12T18:59:00.004+09:30

i haven't been watching the olympics... but...
masha is in beijing interviewing jap swimmers. some pictures:

and apparently some ppl spotted him shopping in some beijing shops. O.O
i wish i could be in beijing just to spot him in the crowd... *starry eyes*

anyways after 2 months of frequent nausea and dark mood and wanting to make everyone feel miserable... mum finally went to endoscopy and discovered she has a small sliding hiatus hernia.
she checked her chinese medical disctionary and now adamantly believes that she has a hole in her oesophagus... "its a hole its a hole its a hole!" she tried to convince me by emphasizing > 10 times. *who on earth did that horrid translation... >.<
anyways i hope this nausea and dark mood and making everyone feel miserable will end soon. i really hope to have more patience but this week i am really losing it. >.<

a possibility of...

2008-08-06T19:27:00.003+09:30

There is a possibility that something really really terrible has happened.
I will look back to this post with possible feelings at extreme ends:
either i will laugh my head off at myself freaking out---
or i will be in a prostrate pitiable state shaking in fear.
and I dunno how long this uncertainty will last for.

Lord please please help me to trust in you and stay in your peace. Really need your help and guidance in this.

Long Vacation

2008-07-27T16:21:00.006+09:30

These days i am watching a jap drama called Tomorrow. Having watched numerous medical dramas.. team medical dragon, say hello to black jack, white tower... all of them just felt like: yeh i am just watching a story... made up in some person's mind. Tomorrow really made me feel i am watching real hospital real doctors and real nurses.

Initially started watching cos of Takenouchi Yutaka. I used to love him heaps and buy all his jap drama series..*hearts* but then i din like Rondo by him and that korean lady... >.< and he was absent from TV for quite some time...

Tomorrow has really rekindled my passion for him. he plays a surgeon. =D
and tiff knows me too well. wen i told her abt this awesome medical drama i am watching and how i reali like the actor, she asked: so... 40 yo man again?
Indeed, TY is approaching 40 too. looking at him made me wish: if he is my consultant i will not sleep nor eat but learn my Harrisons or watever surg equivalent in a wk just to impress him... *starry eyes*

TY comforting a traumatised nurse in the first episode *hearts hearts*

on a more serious note tomorrow i start another semester. for most of the time this year I felt very inadequate defeated and unmotivated, i felt i despise people much more than i love people, many fears persisted in my heart for no reason. i really hope this will be no more. As said in "long vacation": when lots of bad things and failures come to you, just take it as being blessed by a long vacation.
though corny this line never fails to touch me.
so yeh tomorrow let the long vacation end. =D

Avolition

2008-07-15T22:12:00.002+09:30

dear dear
holiday is almost half gone...
my avolition is so bad this holiday that i feel tired and unmotivated to do everything... wake up at 9... have ready made breakfast lunch and dinner... turn on my computer and read 八卦 or do absolutely nothing.. only managed to write 2 very short blogs and nothing else... >.<
unmotivated to go out... unmotivated to shop...
one day i will be unmotivated to eat... unmotivated to get out of bed.. @___@
and my iatrogenic blood loss yesterday probably gave me more excuse to be so 宅... >.<
i still feel dizzy today, so ended up sitting on the carpet and cleaning away part of my bookshelfs. Mum didn't interrogate me regarding my whereabouts in the city or my swollen lips... she probably thinks that i had too much seafood at hotpot and have angioedema.. @___@ good... i dun want to be showered with lectures about 不自量力 and excessive chicken & beef soup etc etc..
i am still sad about the fact that i could no longer give blood unless i become a fat aunty... >.< or maybe i just find it too hard to give up this not-so-difficult act of altruism and have to face my selfishness and uselessness.

on another note...i love Prince *hearts*.. who's always so happy and friendly to strangers. =D

failed

2008-06-21T21:16:00.002+09:30

i am just going to say:
my flesh and my heart has failed so miserably... plus watever else have also failed miserably.
i hope i still have enuf nerves to carry myself thru this exam...
maybe i should pay the price and be prepared to accept wat i do not want... if i am lucky.

Lord help... plz let me look back on this and know your promise still stands true.

wat ifs

2008-06-17T12:59:00.005+09:30

interviews bring back memories.
i reali cant remember anything abt my premed interviews except i had reali nice tempura for lunch b4 my unsw interview, and i accidentally walked into a scientology bookshop after my adelaide interview and bought a book thinking its christian stuff... O.O
watever reasons i said i wanted to do med in the first place i guess one of my main motives was to be able to shut my mum up if i can get in the top course. but in the end she din shut up but expected more. i remember well wen i saw i got melbourne med and was happy then got told off by her: "i should be feeling happy now but i am not." because she adamantly believed uni ppl should all have part time jobs and support themselves, because i did not manage to find a part time job and hence i was lazy and had a bad attitude in not trying hard enough...
i am very very thankful these terrible times are no more.

i sometimes think about whether I will be more satisfied with life and not feel so much distress, if i do not have much of a brain and did a simple course like nursing and graduate after 3 yrs and have enuf money to go to good morning every month and afford new clothes every season and be eager to look pretty and girly so i can attract watever doctor male coming my way, whether he be weird or ugly, schizoid personality or elevated bmi. and then get married early and hero worship my husband for his intelligence and money earning capacity and do not mind even if he in his sense of superiority shows me no respect, but can just feel happy to stay at home watching satellite tv all day and still get my LV bags and David Jones shopping spree...

these days things can easily reduce me to tears: dad bringing me a chocolate when mum is chucking a fit at home, sensible insightful Christian book talking about "salvation cringe", funny stupid manga Urusei Yatsura which is surprisingly touching and meaningful, kind words of friends in the same distressed boat...

i wish i can be like tiff and still trust God and give thanks from the heart even in terrible times. but i prayed abt pbl for 5 yrs and things only went from bad to worse and i just cant stop cringing when i think about tmr...

but wait a minute, one thing i can indeed always give thanks from the heart: Lord I thank you for the 5 yr plus of med course and for the beautiful group of meddies who have always there these years. if i go back to 6 yrs ago and choose again, i will do exactly the same.
please help me to cling on those words for this wk, and for all the future days to come:
My flesh and my heart may fail,
but God is the strength of my heart
and my portion forever.

and I am thankful pbl times are no more.

Happy stuff--Nippon Fever 2

2008-05-26T16:24:00.008+09:30

Well lets talk about happy stuff...

the very wonderful Fukuyama Masaharu... as mentioned many times before in my blogs...
lovely prof Galileo turns 40 this year. really looking forward to his Yogisha X no Kenshin--The Sacrifice of Suspect X. =D

next... Muroi-san!!! played by Yanagiba Toshiro. hmm... quite.. old and ugly but i still love Muroi-san from Odoru Daisousasen. =D

next... a recent obsession. Sakai Masato is so beautiful in period dramas... here is him on the left, playing the most memorable Okita Souji in "When the Last Sword is Drawn".

and lastly... my most favourite Maya Miki:
she is so beautiful and talented... *starry eyes* and she is 44, her favourite pastime is eating hotpot... O.O i wish i can look half as beautiful as her even now...
dreaming to be such a beautiful aunty wen i am middle-aged.. =D

Masako says...

2008-05-09T10:54:00.002+09:30

Masako is the female alter-ego of Fukuyama Masaharu... famous jap singer and actor who runs his own radio show... sometimes speaks in a womanly voice as "Masako" to answer questions exclusively from female audiences. =D
sounds disturbing yeh?
but apart from his talents, hes also a person reali serious about life, who never went to uni in his youth but still able to have such honest and meaningful insights about many things...
and someone I really respect.

my favourite and most memorable masako saying:

a 28yo female tells Masako: I am scared that I will always be single, i really hope to marry soon...
Masako says: If you can use your own hard-earned money, do things you would like to do yourself, this is really, "happiness" to a degree.
After you are attached, your life will be differnt.
Why always worry about not getting married? You should enjoy singlehood while you can.
It will be great if you can really appreciate and grasp this kind of happiness.
So when you are attached in the future, you can enjoy another kind of happiness.

very touched...
this especially coming from the most handsome single man in japan... *hearts*

see more of what Masako says at: http://hk.myblog.yahoo.com/dpanhk/

Accounts of a Rebellious Heart

2008-05-09T10:25:00.002+09:30

Talking about myself being bad after I have been bad... is a good coping mechanism. At least I have the sense of security that "i am not bad at the present".
LOL
to be quite honest i have become increasingly not accepting of many things... things i used to listen and just accept as right I now have many doubts and objections and really wonder how can people treat such serious matters as mere mockery...
but i am so ignorant myself... the only thing i can do is trust and pray.
a month or so ago a friend from KM cried to us for help as a family relative fell gravely ill... as a gd enthusiastic Christian I offered to pray and said all the comforting words i could say...with great certainty. o.O but as the relative's condition deteriorates despite our prayers... I found myself ineffectual...hesitant...without words to say...and wen i was told abt the relative's passing away... the only thing i replied was: I really don't know wat i can say now... -___-|||||
after that my spirit felt very poisoned and during the same wk the chinese experienced a frenzy regarding the "five congenital infections" and i felt if i say one word wrong the friendship i built up over the yrs would be gone in a puff...
so.. for a week or so i sank low in my own emotional trauma and thought prayer doesn't do anything and ignored God.
After recovering from my own frenzy I was hit with the insight---
that wen we pray its not that we have more special connections with a powerful deity so we could gain whatever we wish for.
we pray because we admit we do not know... we admit we are not going to have inside knowledge about anyone's future, we admit we are so weak that we could not influence others or even change ourselves, and we admit that we really know too little about the pains and troubles of the world.
But we trust someone knows and loves.

nothing more to say:
Thank God for His mercy.
and I hope i will have an opportunity to explain and say sorry to ppl... -___-|||

A primitive taste for the not-so-pleasant~

2008-04-20T15:10:00.006+09:30

I am reading Judges from the OT now. this reminds me----
When I was very young i owned a set of Bible story comics.
When I was in primary school I was the model student but the time I paid attention in class was minimal. During a class i very often let my mind drift free in the world of chinese history stories or Bible stories, while sitting still to please the teacher.
During homework time I devoted many brain cells to my own "mathematical" dilemma, Bible-related too. Noah's ark in chinese translates "a square boat". My underdeveloped brain back then could only visualise a massive rectangle but not a massive square so attempting to draw the biggest square i could on any pieces of paper had been a favourite pastime. Another fascination stemmed from a much more disturbing origin: the Levite cutting his concubine into 12 pieces. So even more time was spent on drawing a gingerbread figure and hoping to divide it into 12 equal pieces. I never succeeded back then obviously.
Nowadays I cringe bad when I read Judges 19 and seriously believe certain sections of the Bible should be rated at least MA. I really look back with horrid fascination, at how I managed to derive so much enjoyment out of such a terrible story when I was young. -_-|||||

The complete Judge Dee Mysteries by Robert Van Gulik has been my prized possession ever since I was 10. Re-reading them these days simple reminds me that my love for certain things just never dies. I enjoy them these days, largely for the profound humanity and pain reflected thru the stories but i do suspect a long time ago, I have loved the stories for much simpler reasons.
Bad people did bad things, a very smart good guy came along and solved everything and punished the baddies and made everyone happy. The end.
It was a beautiful touching simplicity.
And I love most the books which can be appear so simple and be enjoyed as a child, but as one advances in age, can always see new ideas and thoughts revealed through the same old simple stories.

to understand

2008-03-16T23:53:00.004+10:30

I haven't been writing here but many thoughts have been brewing in my head.
i really couldn't say i enjoy mission trip talks very much, especially wen people get to the component of describing the local people, how worldly they are and how much they are in need of God, then everyone listening would show concerned faces and start praying for the special people who really need God...
NO i am not saying thats bad.
i am just thinking that if ever missionaries from another country come to australia, in describing the local people they probably would say: the australian ppl only care abt easter bunnies and chocolates during easter, and their christmas is only a materialistic gift exchange ritual... they really need God, then everyone listening would show concerned faces and start praying for the special australians...
well... lots of times we couldn't help ourselves feeling a slight sense of superiority when we hear the description of the special people who need God bad, at least I couldn't before I realised this with horror. well maybe everyone else praying for mission trips have nobler souls.
i think we all need God equally bad... whether we r long term church goers or cannibals in some unknown tropical islands. Charactestics, habits, cultures and behaviours do not make us need God more or less. ppl from conservative families shouldn't look at ppl who are sexually lenient with some sort of horror and think their lives are more messed up than ours. we who just never had that temptation doesnt mean we are better people who need to humble less.
and are stereotype "insights" about people really insights? people everywhere are different, very much within their own cultural group. probably by generalising from wat we see(aren't we merely scratching a fraction of a surface most of the time?)we have really missed out what more people out there would need?
if we are just happy to scratch the surface and eager to show our concerned faces, if we have no intention to understand more before we jump to many conclusions, are we really showing Christ's love to a different group of people?

i cringe each time when i hear speakers on the pulpit laughing or condemning with horror, of other religions' practices. and i cringe more to hear many people laughing along.
do we really understand enough to justify such a laugh? if ever we have the right to laugh or condemn or put lightly these things?
if so christianity will be subject to many laughs: their saviour is this madman who got killed like a prisoner. they have some erotic poems in the middle of their bible. who wants to take those things seriously?
and to many condemnations: their God is this freak who even kill women and children! how horrible are those people who believe that religion?
well in such cases many keen God warriors would want to argue... you are just seeing it with a wrong attitude, and you are not reading the full scripture and reading it deep to understand God! we will pray for your change of mind because you are wrong about these things.
well... in this case, what unpleasant things are we doing to others that we would tell other ppl off for if they do it to us? by merely seeing the surface, and say: it looks so horrible! why do people want to belive such a horrible religion?
well, maybe there is a reason for such things, and one that at least makes sense to the human mind.
and more than enough to justify basic respect even if we do not think they are real or true.
and if we are really fired and called to rebuke, spend the time to learn and understand before we speak, would be a very gracious thing to do.

hummm.. i dun know how this turned out like this... sunday after church i watched many episodes of bayside shakedown and wrote quite a bit of AKIRA and talked to friends from yunnan... so i should be in a really happy easy mood.. O....O
i will go and pray now... i probably will be scared of my own harsh words wen i read it next... O....O

Happy birthday Yukimura-sama

2008-02-29T16:22:00.002+10:30

I have to wait for 4 years to say this...
even though the samurai deeper kyo manga has long finished. I still remember Yukimura sama from time to time, with much fondness.
the man with great wisdom, great strength, yet always so kind and gentle and treats his 10 servants like brothers...
*hearts*
and who is always so beautiful. =D

Happy birthday Yukimura-sama.

and the lyrics from "invisible wings"

每一次都在徘徊孤单中坚强
每一次就算很受伤也不闪泪光
我知道我一直有双隐形的翅膀
带我飞,飞过绝望

不去想他们拥有美丽的太阳
我看见每天的夕阳也会有变化
我知道我一直有双隐形的翅膀
带我飞, 给我希望

我终於看到所有梦想都开花
追逐的年轻歌声多嘹亮
我终於翱翔用心凝望不害怕
哪里会有风就飞多远吧

不去想他们拥有美丽的太阳
我看见每天的夕阳也会有变化
我知道我一直有双隐形的翅膀
带我飞给我希望

我终於看到所有梦想都开花
追逐的年轻歌声多嘹亮
我终於翱翔用心凝望不害怕
哪里会有风就飞多远吧

隐形的翅膀让梦恒久比天长
留一个愿望让自己想像

chinese song & snow storm

2008-02-20T14:56:00.002+10:30

Good old eaglewood dust, i realised i started writing this in 2004... Gee u r really old.
But I miss you.
Lots has happened during my few months absence from this blog. Went to Kunming, started new semester, went to Dookie etc.
Now I am writing this from an Alexandra Hospital consulting room computer.
And life has been good to me.

in a few months time I will probably will write a blog saying that life is so traumatising.. when i do job application and interviewing etc... O______O

when i was driving to alexandra there was this bit of road (the bit wen kev and HC did a race on our trip to eildon some yr ago LOL) that made me reali awake. my mind suddenly drifted to this story i read when i was in china:

some children of country workers working in a big city took a long distance coach to visit parents for chinese new year. on the road the snow storm came and the coach became trapped in the snow for 8 days. When the children were rescued they were asked if they ever felt hopeless during that time.
the reply was no. and they said: when we feel afraid, we just sing "invisible wings".

ah, invisible wings
its that feel-gd fob song by this girl with a reali immature voice.

i started humming it...
and i felt really really really touched this time when I go through the lyrics.

maybe i will load the chinese up when i go home and get chinese stuff on computer.

random thoughts on movies, tv etc

2007-12-28T22:19:00.000+10:30

Just finished watching The Painted Veil.
I remember this time last yr the film is showing in shanghai cinemas... and i looked at the poster and thought: whats that? looks like a ghost love story...? O.O
well its not a ghost love story. its a love story of 2 horrible ppl.

then early this yr i opportunistically watched Kingdom of Heaven... and started to have this massive obsession with the leprous king. LOL and found out that this memorable but faceless character was played by ed norton.
so beautiful.
hence I watched the Painted Veil... and drooled over ed norton.
the story itself is hmmm... thought provoking.
I just couldn't help thinking that walter fane is 10 times more horrible than soames forsyte, and yet... soames much more miserable.

then I found out the orginal story was by maugham. I liked his books, for a short while... but then i find him too in-your-face about his insights which can be very unpleasant at times.
but maybe I will try to get hold of a copy of The Painted Veil, and read, and think about ed norton and drool more. =D

on a side note I was so obsessed with Kingdom of Heaven that just a month of so ago I spent a whole nite out of the precious swot vac to hunt down a copy of Director's Cut KOH, which has almost become extinct in australia. In the end I found it. Now the 4 disc Director's Cut is sitting on my shelf which makes me happy. =D
I must say I liked King Baldwin from the cinema version better than from the director's cut one. In the latter he was made to appear like a 12th century rebel. O_O much more attractive when he spoke less and appeared to have more subtle strength in the cinema version.

2008 is coming. I am really looking forward to the shows I want to watch.
Taiga drama Atsu-Hime. - one of my fav periods of jap history, played by lots of beautiful ppl.
Nodame Cantabile SP - tamaki-sama...
Deer man(i think thats wat its called) - again beautiful tamaki-sama
KIDS the movie - more tamaki-sama, and the story is reali simple and touching.
Yogisha X no Kenshin - the love story of a mathematician. =) the most memorable fukuyama-sama, playing Yuka-sensei again.
so yes lots of pleasant things to look forward to, and to carry me thru job application times which I am sure will be miserable.

my dad told me that bhutto is dead.
if he doesn't say i won't even know. I am so otaku... -_-||||||
but i am sad. i used to like her in primary school, cos i thought she was really pretty and exotic.
i suddenly really miss the pleasant vulgarity of chinese newspapers. wen i go to kunming I will probably get the paper everyday if I can.
I have been downloading theme songs from very old taiwanese period dramas. they are so nice.

enough of randomness. =D

holiday agitation

2007-12-14T17:07:00.000+10:30

i am in a state of pre-exam-result-releasing agitation...
the feeling of having to face the inevitable which is going to be terrible and no longer able to live in denial.... is reali... >___<
plus also the ill feeling of bearing ur own consequences of the lack of study while having no intention or motivation to change for the better next time.
so yes... very pathetic but not even worth to be pitied. =)
and this agitation made me feel i want to binge eat on oily spicy fried food.
but i will be dressing up for sunday and I do not want to show a round tummy thru the dress. 呜呜呜...
thwarted gluttony... hence more agitation.
and tiff is leaving... i can no longer say all these silly and terrible things and expect her to read it and laugh about it with me over gmail... for at least 3 wks. =D
more 呜呜呜....

anywayz i better stop all this exaggerated stupidity.
really thank God for the job. =) I need not make committment more than the holiday 4 wks, will have enough to pay the bridesmaid dress when i get my pay, and may even have enough to go on a trip to dali and lijiang. =)
and everything about Fukuyama Masaharu is so lovely! *hearts*

Yogisha X no Kenshin

2007-12-04T19:20:00.000+10:30

finished most exams. one more to go =)
so... no more thoughts in that direction. going back to writing about happy stuff...
Yogisha X no Kenshin translates: The Sacrifice of Suspect X

its a mystery written by jap author Higashino Keigo. I enjoy quite a few of his books, especially the ones featuring prof Galileo... *hearts*
this is also a prof galileo story. =) but it involves crime committed using mathematics...(i haven't finished the ending but thats wat the review say), and its also about the sacrificial love of a mathematician...(which has touched the hearts of many in asia)

so... mathematics... maybe can persuade sally to read that when we are in kunming =)
or maybe i can force tiff and sally both to watch Galileo with me while we are there =)
happy now~

prof Galileo

2007-11-22T20:52:00.000+10:30

just finished watching Galileo episode 6....
*hearts*
Yuka-sensei is sooooo cute...

the story is about a otaku-ish uni physics professor helping a female inspector solving crimes. His nickname is "eccentric Galileo".
nothing exciting at all abt the physics... reali just for the general population, and i mean the reali "general" population.
but the show is reali carefully made and the actors r reali good.
*still drooling over the cute prof in the show and wanting to go into a uni to check out all the physics profs*...
no worries, i will come bk to reality wen i see lots of balding ojisans with elevated BMI.

anywayz, was reading abt intellectual disability and failing to memorise important bits made me feel very intellectually disabled.
i really think:
intellectual disability could simply mean "your brain falling short of wat is expected of it".

pic of the cute prof Galileo ^-^ :

facebook etiquette

2007-11-05T20:01:00.000+10:30

i only realised very recently that it is polite in facebook to wish friends happy birthday on their birthdays, write individual thank you messages back when u receive good wishes on yours, and wen someone writes you something on the wall you need to reply back not on your own wall but on theirs.

so sori to all those kind ppl who previously wrote me messages but never heard from me again.
and nowadays i am endeavouring to remember to wish ppl happy birthdays on facebook whenever i log on. but i think i will stop doing that wen i become sick of facebook, a time which i suspect will come very soon.

the meds

2007-10-21T12:16:00.000+09:30

so...is the med grp "crumbling away"?
I did notice the "changes" but I found them normal and understandable.
for me, just seeing the ppl enjoying themselves under one roof, was all that i need to feel secure and relaxed.
with the certainty that if I am ever truly in trouble and need help, they are the people I would have no hesitation turning to.
its the grp of ppl that once gave me the most secure feelings and made me feel the most loved. the time wen i was fearful and broken and abt to fall, the many of u built a fence and stood around it.
or maybe,its just that with someone socially awkward like me: i contributed little, expected little but ended up enjoying heaps?
well either way... i love to walk into someone's house, have the freedom to stay or go wenever i like, seeing the table packed full with junk food, and enjoying the endless jokes and things to laugh about.
Under the warm spring sun, I loved all this and I was happy.

Life

2007-10-04T18:23:00.000+09:30

had delivery again yesterday... started with the lady's admission at 7am, and stayed till 9.30pm wen she gave birth, lost count how many hours i've managed to stay awake.
was very excited despite me being very tired from 10 days without a break.
wat contributed most to my excitement was the fact that the lady was from kanagawa...
and anything "kanagawian" would cause my train of thoughts to instantly run to the wonderboys in slamdunk.
hence i had reali gd impression of the lady and her family and the baby she was going to have from the very start. =)
she was a sweet & amazing one, never made a sound wen she had pain, the most she did was frowning and breathing. and between terrible contractions she would break into the cutest smile to everyone in the room and make us all smile too.
and her baby was just cute and lovable.

wen i went home i managed to catch the last 10mins of Life. in the delivery suite i seriously believed that I would miss out seeing the 1st episode, so was reali happy wen I managed to still get some glimpses of the show.

Hello again, Damien Lewis.
It was not until I read the Forsyte Saga novel would I realise wat a wonderful actor he is.
I will always remember him as the most memorable Soames Forsyte, and look forward to watch any new series by him.
so, i am watching aussie tv again...LOL
just because of DL.
will remember to tape Life next weds wen I have nite duty. =)

Nauseated

2007-09-08T14:42:00.000+09:30

....Maybe I can write a blog in Inoue-sensei's style. =)

never mind.

on monday I felt really awful as I caught the train to go in for the 8oclock lecture.
The sense of unwellness was so intense that i began to worry where I could be sent to, if i deteriorated; and quite disqualifed for admission at the RCH Emergency Department.

So I got off at Richmond station and went for the next arrived train straight back home. With my bag & book & lunch box & a grumpy look, i really wondered if a 5th year medical student still had the right to have such acute truancy urges.

at home i felt more nauseated, had 2 episodes of projectile vomiting, and felt drowsy & feverish for the rest of the day.

Sounds pretty severe, doesn't it?

I was firm not to go to the doctor knowing full well if i went, I would be classified as class 4 or 5 in box hill ED, and had to drown myself for 4-5 hrs in nausea and agitation and sense of neglect b4 I get to see a doctor who would advise me to drink more fluid and rest for a few days.

I did believe myself to be adequate in such a basic level of self-diagnosis.

and the next day I felt better.

That one horrible day, however, was a chance for me to experience what it is like to be debilitated to the point that even thinking became impossible.

Severe nausea really could take away one's thoughts, and make one unable to think even about things one normally would enjoy regardless of mood or circumstances.

Losing the ability to think has always been my worst nightmare.

I really could sense what its like to be a cancer patient, wasting away, weak, nauseated, with no hope of getting better.

I must say they are all very courageous people. I could not imagine myself enduring such daily ordeal, knowing full well this would be the story of my life, however short it may be.

Lord thank you for that experience. I pray I will always endeavour to be more understanding of others' pain, however inadequate I maybe.

Herbsttag

2007-08-17T19:15:00.000+09:30

i seem to be getting non-english poetry education rather opportunistically from among the grp of fellow chinese slamdunk fans...
last time the fanfic Marie, marie made me obsessed about "Remembering Marie A" by Bertolt Brecht.

and this time its Herbsttag by R.Rilke, inspired by uta-san's blog.

Herbsttag
Herr, es ist Zeit. Der Sommer war sehr groß.
Leg deinen Schatten auf die Sonnenuhren,
und auf den Fluren lass die Winde los.

Befiehl den letzten Früchten, voll zu sein;
gib ihnen noch zwei südlichere Tage,
dränge sie zur Vollendung hin, und jage
die letzte Süße in den schweren Wein.

Wer jetzt kein Haus hat, baut sich keines mehr.
Wer jetzt allein ist, wird es lange bleiben,
wird wachen, lesen, lange Briefe schreiben
und wird in den Alleen hin und her
unruhig wandern, wenn die Blätter treiben.

and english translation by J. Mullen:

Autumn Day

Lord: it is time. The summer was great.
Lay your shadows onto the sundials
and let loose the winds upon the fields.

Command the last fruits to be full,
give them yet two more southern days,
urge them to perfection, and chase
the last sweetness into the heavy wine.

Who now has no house, builds no more.
Who is now alone, will long remain so,
will stay awake, read, write long letters
and will wander restlessly here and there
in the avenues, when the leaves drift.

i find it reali nice.

gd things

2007-08-03T23:47:00.000+09:30

big big hugz to tiff... who still reads my blog...*sniff* and who still comments... *sniff more*
anyways... a few facts about inoue-sensei.

He is the author of Slamdunk.
and yeah... he is not creepy.. ^___^ if he can draw a story that would make ppl be so touched and cry, no matter how many times they read it---
then it would only make sense that he himself is a passionate soul, acutely sensitive to his surroundings...
----inoue-sensei...
(yn becomes creepy too and everyone runs away)

**********
more quotes from inoue-sensei's diary i really liked:

Whether you have time to focus and work toward a goal in your youth makes a large impact on the rest of your life.

Even though they seem similar, there's a complete difference between doing
something you want to do and just going along with the flow.
We are so tired from the inundation of things and information overload. I think that it might be nice to make our lives simpler.

When things are uncertain, unanswerable questions such as "have I chosen the right path?" would be popping out in our thoughts.
Once we reach a conclusion---"I am probably taking a terrible detour, I am doing lots of unnecessary silly things"---the moment we decide it is so, we would feel rather relieved.
But the path ahead of us would disappear.
So we should look ahead.
and fiercely hold on.

The bus won't come for those who just wait for it.
You have to raise your voice and call for it.
Have courage.

*******
anywayz, pbl went alrite today.
at the grace of God.
it is not true that my worries were unnecessary.
will need to really really depend on God for all the future tutes to come... for anything vaguely resembling an audible voice to croak out of my throat. >____<
and thank you irene for your encouragement & prayers.
i really appreciate your patience with my "problems".

and sally is getting baptised on sunday.
*hearts*
i am really looking forward to the special occasion.

Inoue-sensei's diary

2007-07-29T21:22:00.000+09:30

This is Inoue-sensei's journal entry from 22nd of June.
I reali liked wat he wrote, hence posting the whole thing here as a keepsake.
-----------

Feverish.

I think I've finally realized that it's impossible for me to continue to write every week. Hahaha...

A long time ago I wrote that "I started a diary. I'm going to keep writing in it..." , but I can't even remember how many days that lasted now.
I'm not writing it anymore of course.
I'm sorry.

I can't even respond to mail I've received in a timely manner.
I think I'll start by trying to update this column once every 2-3 weeks.

*

About a week ago I developed a fever and was out of commision for 4-5 days straight.

But the hostpial I normally go to happened to be closed, so I ended up spending time with myself -- moaning and nursing a high fever.

There's no question that I was thankful that I normally have good health.
I was thankful that I could normally do what I wanted, and since I couldn't eat anything, also thankful for my food.

I was also thankful for my family who watched over me while I was helpless.

I also couldn't work as I had planned to, and I'm thankful for the help of the editors who came to check up on me and everyone else's help.

When I stumbled outside, perhaps because my senses had become acute, the
landscape of the city looked different.
It was stressful.
Tiring.

I saw a parade of many things of the type that people don't need to see - things that aren't good for you.
It brings a shiver to my spine when I think about how I can blissfully live in the midst of all of that.

I wonder if you get more sensitive with a high fever.
It was problematic that I was quickly moved to tears by small passages of writing, songs, and even some small piece of Vagabond that I had come up with.
The worst thing was when I picked up the newest work by Kiyoshi Shigematsu in a bookstore and just reading the tag line on the book lining brought tears to my eyes.
Even though I hadn't opened it yet...

But those few days were a rich chance for me to experience what it is like to rise up from nothing.

Since I started with nothing, I feel like I'm working up the energy to go forward.

... which I can say now that I'm better ...

*

In other news, our website will also be availble in Korean starting in July.
I hope our Korean readers will look forward to it.
Annyeonghaseyo! Sojyujyuseyo.

　
INOUE TAKEHIKO
19　June　2007

from:
Inoue News

a holiday was a holiday

2007-07-27T09:28:00.001+09:30

I think God meant a holiday to be a holiday.
in all aspects.

at the end of 1st wk new semester i am already stressed out...
felt like there r a million things need to be done. car broke down, mum is leaving for china again and dad probably wants proper food cooked everyday for the next 2 months while my timetable has at least a few late nights in the 1st month.
certain lady is bad at organisation and incapable of correcting her own mistake and so adamant that other ppl should live with it. and tutor is one stressful person whom i forsee can make me freak out and my broca to atrophy bad in at least some of the upcoming weeks.
early next yr elective trip finanical situation is not optimal and i really don't know if anything can be done about it.
BUT---
i have been researching abt the memorable nba players in the 80s & early 90s.
and Larry Bird was just awesome.
and that made me happy.
^_____^
and during elective times:
Irene can go to the US and watch an nba game for me and mail me a basketball.
and Jia Jia can travel to London Sherlock museum and buy me some sherlock souvenirs.
*drool*
LOL
just kidding.
I will always be looking forward to the day when I can visit these places myself and do all these things i would really really enjoy.

And I will look back to the entry at the end of the year to see wat amazing work God has done through all these.

holiday

2007-07-22T20:55:00.000+09:30

I really thank God for a very wonderful holiday.
Reading abt history & culture in Baillieu EA collection, and writing AKIRA.
I started writing this fanfic this time last year.
with a stressful med yr in between, without God my inspiration for the plot would have run dry already...
it was such a great way for me to discipline my heart:
doing my best while relying on God for watever the product is.

(feel free to laugh at my obsession ^____^)

But God really blessed this and I reali thank Him for that.
Please continue to bless AKIRA. ^____^

and reading over the manga made me fall in love with Slamdunk all over again.
i do remember those years when i would laugh and cry over a slamdunk or a buzzer beater from the story.
I probably still would.

(everyone becomes reali disturbed and runs away.)
^____________^

Ganbatte for a new semester!

Belteshazzar

2007-07-05T17:38:00.000+09:30

its been quite a while since i last wrote some thoughts from bible reading..

an interesting thought came to me as I read Daniel 1, regarding Belteshazzer:
Belteshazzer means "after the name of my god Bel", and is the babylonian name given to Daniel.
Daniel has said no to the royal food & wine, but not this insulting name.
There are more than enough reasons to say no to Belteshazzer, and absolutely Godly reasons too:
I would rather die a martyr than to be identified with this sinful idolatory!
or
My jewish name is God given and so important to me and my faith and I would not be defiled by such a name!
etc etc etc...
so wat is Godly & wat is not? if he has said those perfectly Godly words to refuse Belteshazzer and got killed, is he still the Godly prophet Daniel of Bible?

wat is Godly & wat is not?
watever Godly noble things we believe we are doing, are they reali Godly?
one question also lingered in my mind in the past few weeks:
wat is the difference between Dolly Carey & Harriet Shelley? and hence their respective husbands?
The family neglect part of the first husband's story is largely omitted, the purified story then transcribed onto many Christian newsletters & magazines as saintly encouragement to missionary workers.
And the second husband's story is used as an embodiment of sinful marital & family neglect, entering into an anthology of insight & reflections of sinners.
O___O
reali--
O___O

or should the doing "Godly" work part be the dividing line, be the right for omission or even justification of the unpleasant aspect of one's character?
then are we reali trying to say: the man is nothing--his work is everything.
we can be sure the Bible didn't say that, Flaubert did.
lets just say anyone mature in God won't think of Carey as a lesser man because it was found that he neglected his family.
Because we should know everyone is a sinner, and even the most holy of man is human.
And God forgives.

----and shelley's poetry is beautiful.

thoughts on some old but new anime

2007-07-01T17:29:00.000+09:30

Buzzer Beater is going thru a 2nd animation...(how very painful)
the last one reali was bad... nothing like inoue-sama's beautiful story. >___<
i reali hope this one is going to be good, could show the world of the best hideyoshi, the best DT, and the beautiful red haired lady cha-che.

a new ova of EVA is still in the making i believe...
reali couldn't believe it has been ten years.
i still remember so clearly the time i first saw ayanami-hime's icy blue hair, & became instantly lovestruck because of that icy unhuman voice.
*hearts*
utada hikaru is singing the new EVA theme, as well as revising (again) sinatra's fly me to the moon.
*more hearts*

saiyuki reload burial is also abt to be released soon.
wen i was in high school, i find saiyuki the coolest thing in the world...
no longer so... but i must admit sanzo is still a very cool guy.

today

2007-06-22T16:52:00.000+09:30

decided to take the rest of today completely off...
Broca's atrophy was alright 2day... mind blocked here & there... but i was happy as long as broca's atrophy din have a sudden flare during the osce.
told sally & dora i was going home to sleep... >_____< din happen... wen i walked out actually thought abt checking up on siew yong in her pharmacy... but she din pick up her call... so... >____<
bumped into bei's grp & wei as i walked out, thought ppl r going to amy's lunch and followed them...O___o but ended up going to yum cha with bei's grp...
had a gd relaxing chat with wei abt random non-med interests & various dodgy stuff happening in china etc... but bei's grp was full-on comparing mcq answers... and i realise i got almost every single one of those wrong.... *traumatised*
*running up to tiff & crying: 呜呜呜呜........*
---------------------------------
i thought abt why i am doing med...
for anyone out there who thinks ppl in med r just doing it for the money & prestige & now it serves u right to suffer & u dun have the right to regret ur choice---
well feel free to live in ur fantasy of self-righteousness & criticism if that makes u feel better.

let me just say i never regretted choosing to do med. it was the only thing that offered an aspect of interest to me at the time, and probaly still is if I need to make this choice again.
it is probably one of the wisest choice I have made in life, the friends i have is sufficient reason to justify that, and being in med has indeed been a great blessing to my life..
wen u make a choice u never have full autonomy to do wat u most wanted.
its only wen i perceive myself to be very incompetent, and think that med is DEFINITELY stopping me from pursuing wat i most wanted to do, then i develop a hate towards it.
but such defeatist feelings r always transient.
i prob procrastinate heaps... i prob can't study as well as all the other ppl in med... and i always have the thought that someone with a communication skill as poor as mine is just unfit for modern society... and even more unfit of being a doctor.
but i still want to be a gd doctor, because I think God has put me here.
so... b4 God says no, I want everything, and I will do my best to get everything i wanted done.
------------------
i have been close to God in the past few days...
it was so easy to sink into despair during exam prep... and He was comforting to me during those scariest times.
so to God:
I know I shouldn't allow my faith to atrophy just because my broca atrophies;
i know it is not very Godly to wonder(though not very seriously)wat it feels like to jump off the austin balcony the day b4 osce exam;
i know i should stop being anxious wen He gave me His promise...shouldn't have constant ill-founded fear that i haven't done enough and I will fall short of the promise.
i know i shouldn't distrust and hate You wen i don't get wat i think i should get.
but i am so weak and my faith is so little...
but realising all these is good:
made me realise how incredibly human I am, how sinful & rebellious I am, how very weak I am and how much I am in need of u.
Lord please have mercy on me. Only You can delivery the help I needed.
Thank you for your incredible patience & mercy throughout the semester. Please let me have faith and rely on you for the next thing to come.

inadequate

2007-06-18T08:56:00.000+09:30

inadequate...
i feel very inadequate...
studying something and capable of forgetting 50% in the next hr & 100% the next morning just made me feel very inadequate.
maybe its normal for everyone... but i lack the inner strength & drive to persist in this terrible cycle til the moment wat i studied repetitively could stay in my brain.
its a terrible thing to realise how very wk and inadequate u r and that u r still hoping to get watever u don't deserve.
and knowing that wen u don't get wat u don't deserve u will turn grumpy and mean.
bou-chan's new blog post this morning greatly comforted me.
commentaries on the most memorable ppls of shinsengumi.
i could almost recall the immense joy & excitement wen i first met saitou-sama.
the joy & excitement of meeting such a unique & noble personality.
and my own foolish dream of living a life persevering in a set of principles just like saitou-sama.
the dream was foolish, but do i want to live with such courage & wisdom? or do i want to continue in this useless inadequacy struggling to please everyone & everything with my life and finding that i have failed in every aspect, especially... that I have failed myself...& God?
too deep & meaningful a thing to be thinking abt during exam revision...

prayer points

2007-06-14T18:04:00.000+09:30

sally, tiff & me r going to elective in kunming with msi.
after a day of sub-optimal concentration and mcq trial papers with traumatising results, I feel very happy after hearing this news.
so... Lord plz dun let me do very badly on my exams... so i won't need to have austin dean discussing with me: maybe u should stay in melbourne for elective and do some catch up studying?
>________<
if that happens...that would be.... very...traumatising....

anyways serious prayer points:
1. for God's blessing and guidance to prepare us all for this trip
2. financially adequate to go for the elective and not needing to be at parents' mercy TOO MUCH.
3. in the next half yr, for mum not to get sudden control impulses and override her initial approval for me to go(which very likely will happen), and for me to deal with it patiently and not fearfully if it happens.
4. (most importantly) Trust in God in watever changing situations.

"sad"

2007-06-10T17:07:00.000+09:30

on friday i mentioned the word "sad" to tiffany numerous times...
she was trying to convince me that life is not sad.
well... i guess u noe me well enuf to noe that if i am reali SAD i won't be talking abt my problems.
i prob would be in one of those impulsive fits--walking across austin and wishing for a car to run me over.
so... wen i am grumbling to my friends with a smiling face... then i am prob in a reasonably good mood.

last tuesday i had my long case trial exam... was in a state of prostrate distress wen i saw jeremy in the common room.
he listened to my pitiable grumbling for at least half an hr.
... and was very understanding, and very kind, and kept on saying nice things to calm me down.
i thought he would prob be his normal self.. impatient with my grumbling abt nothing, and just dismiss my distress or distract me with sum crude jokes or the like.
so... thank you.

and i think i should re-define the word "sad" wen i say it:
it means---
the situation is probably not so pleasant.
but God has taken away my fear.

^________^

"Mary Kay"

2007-06-03T10:55:00.000+09:30

friday--
kev: oh i forgot to go to box hill and buy chocolates!
me: i live in box hill, wat chocolates do you want?
kev: there is this reali nice truffle...
and the next moment he instinctively blurted out the name: MARY KAY!

*cough*
Mary Kay is a make-up brand... in australia specialises in wedding make-overs...
^____________^

so kevin... did u use Mary Kay only for ur yr 12 fairy look?
or... its one of ur daily essentials?

but eventually he realised Mary Kay wasn't right and gave me the right brand name: Lily O'briens.

so... i went and bought lily obriens truffles.
its a leading irish chocolate brand.
there r some little taglines on the packaging: "I start making chocolates in my kitchen in 1992 with 2 pans and a trusty wooden spoon", "we hope that you enjoy tasting them as much as we enjoy making them".
its a wonderful thing wen one's career can be so enjoyable.
but no matter how much hardcore people can enjoy med... they can never say a line such as:
we hope that you enjoy being treated as much as we enjoy treating you.LOL
*shudder*

but i suddenly remember nick's souffles...
nick can prob open a dessert house aside from his aspiring med career.
and wen ppl drool over his wonderful souffles... he can add this as an emotionally-appealing ad:
i start making souffles during our stressful exam yr so my friends could enjoy the souffle and feel happy about life despite the stress. its still my passion to see smiles on people's faces even wen life is stressful.

^______________^

anywayz the point of this blog...
dearest grp 9, i wil miss u all heaps wen we part company next semester... *sniff*

gone.. & coming

2007-05-31T15:39:00.000+09:30

*big wave to lu*

ZARD vocalist passed away a few days ago. after a fall in hospital where she was having treatment for endometrial cancer, aged 40.
i couldn't help humming MY FRIEND to myself again and again the past few days, planning to dig out my 3 sets of Slamdunk OST in collection... very soon.
the voice actor of dearest saitou-sama passed away last yr, last holiday i specially went and bought the complete kenshin anime set. probably the only extra i need now is seisouhen director's cut, starring half a minute of saitou-sama.

after exam there r a few animes & series I want to watch:
darker than black: squinty eyed expressionless chinese protagonist wearing long black overcoat.. + rie fu's beautiful ED... *double hearts*

Bakumatsu Kikansetsu Irohanihoheto: wat a mouthful... but again squinty eyed protagonist in long black overcoat & cape... sword waving too... so yeh... my taste hardly ever deviates..

mawang: the tall skinny fox-like prince this time playing a lawyer with a dark past... *hearts*

the vineyard man & the upcoming 1st shop of coffee prince: the bright beautiful "bigong mama" is reali enjoyable too... *more hearts*

and also.. finishing off Rondo & Kazoku by my favourite Takenouchi Yutaka ^_____^

enuf procrastinating... ^_____^

Broca's atrophy

2007-05-18T20:44:00.000+09:30

2day had an 2hr+ ecg lecture that finished at half past 6. the lecturer was so... brilliant... talked abt everything in such a fast-paced & logically accurate way.
and after the lecture brian made a reali brilliant comment: the lecturer could express his thoughts so well! almost as there is instant interaction btw his higher function centres and the broca area. unlike some smart ppl who probably can't reali express ideas well, and unlike politians who probably have overactive broca's, disconnected from their higher function centres.
so.. applying that idea to myself:
i prob have broca's atrophy, and repeated lack of use exacerbates the problem, and gradually the connection btw brocas & the higher function centres degenerate. >____<

on a side note... i've been watching "goong" in the past week... reali loved it.
especially the crown prince.. *hearts*
tall skinny fox-like guy who would look good even in pink dotty shirts is indeed... very enjoyable.
(remembering with much embarrassment i was telling angel earlier in the yr that girly tv shows abt teenage princes r so pointless) >_______<
so, yeh found it surprising i actually enjoyed such a brainless romantic show and the teenage prince so much.
quite glad of it actually, my almost non-existent youthful superficiality does have the ability to regenerate.
despite my harsh sceptical perspective of things & ppl overall.

so maybe i shouldn't lose hope of my brocas area afterall. with some persistent exercising, it may have the ability to regenerate its function as well.
fingers crossed. ^^

YST

2007-05-12T17:12:00.000+09:30

in moments of impulsive procrastination I started to revise yoroiden samurai troopers.... >_______<
i watched it first wen i was grade 3 or 4...
i must admit i am still quite into these simple & hot-blooded stuff for kids...
i remembered saint seiya was on around the same time... which was also about ppl wearing robot armours and ppl fighting bad ppl... but I always preferred YST so much more,cos they don't have to fight each other like gladiators, and also the friendship among the five boys r depicted quite well.
and wen i was young i manage to remember the lyrics of OP & ED of YST correct to every japanese syallable...
wish i still have such memory now.. and can use it for med...
>_____<
anywayz back to do some study after prolonged procrastination.

no more grumbling

2007-05-08T21:28:00.000+09:30

i suddenly realised i am not all that intolerant of ppl..
different ppl hav low tolerance threshold of different things...
just like i am not so sensitive abt indifference & being ignored, but my stomach would churn with nausea at invasiveness...even if its mere "perceived invasiveness".
anyway this is not the point of this blog.

today i just remember this corny martial arts saying in chinese: 人在江湖﹐身不由己.
rather pessimistic & inappropriate... to describe lives that should have been made fully purposeful by the Lord. but i do think it has a fraction of truth describing the current condition of many of us...
how many times i procrastinate out of apathy, how many times i study out of mere primitive reflex, rather than having placed my certainty & hope in the Lord?
many times, i must confess, many times.
it is scary to think there r stages in your life wen talking/sharing to ppl about your problem won't really help, but only stimulates ur increasingly uncontrollable desire to complain & grumble, wen u don't even have the time to go thru the full process of feeling stressed and fearful and crying over a situation and finally internalising it to cope...
and even more scary to think such a lifestyle soon will become the story of your life and be indefinitely prolonged for who knows how many years ahead.
Loving God please have mercy on us terrible people.

yet bits of happiness r still found everywhere around us, in the daily things of vulgar vitality:
eg. i am looking forward to see the wei look-alike at friday outpatients, after strong recommendation from tiff... LOL
and also looking back and remembering all the other interesting doctors: there was also a brian look-alike, a ken look-alike, and of course the not so often seen jeremy look-alike. ^____^
perhaps we can also look forward to spotting any possible andrew look-alikes, wan look-alikes, kev look-alikes or HC look-alikes in the near or far future...
and our lives r still coloured by these bits of vulgar but entertaining things.

i thank God

2007-05-05T12:06:00.000+09:30

i drove for 6 wks.
din crash my car on any poles or trees, din crash into anyone else & no one else crashed into me.
and managed to drive thru the roads smoothly and din become a traffic hazard--
even wen not concentrating and sometimes driving pass traffic lights without realising if they r red or green.
so yes i thank God i din harm ppl and was not harmed in anyway myself.
and i am not trying to be funny. my driving is quite...bad.
i am glad to be back to taking buses next wk.
despite its frequent lateness.
I can prob stay up a bit late at nite and still get to austin the next morning while dozing off.

怨念

2007-04-29T00:38:00.000+09:30

i have lots of 怨念 about places with terrible coffees still attempting to be posh & expensive & high-class.
especially wen with the unpleasant additive of tense asian eagerness, "making sure u dun get away without ordering anything" written all over one's face...
i cannot express how very 倒胃口 this is.
and the above is just pure grumbling after a strong but terrible coffee... and inability to fall asleep.

Peace in a World of Massacre

2007-04-18T17:07:00.000+09:30

I really cannot express how much this article touched and encouraged me as I first read it sitting inside the Northern library computer room 2day.

http://www.christianitytoday.com/ct/2007/aprilweb-only/116-23.0.html

(for some reason I can't seem to get the link to work on my blog today so please excuse and use copy & paste)

absolutely awesome... everyone should have a read.

if God grants me the time I really want to be able to translate this for more ppl to read it. May need ariel's help on that. ^^

movies

2007-04-14T11:22:00.000+09:30

Apparently many friends in china & the US hav already seen 300.
i remember the Epigraph at Thermopylae as i knew of:

O stranger, bring the Spartans word, that here,
Obedient thus to their command, we lie.

beautiful words.
any translation less classic just... won't do...

so.. the point is... I want to see 300.
I hope its still showing wen my real holiday comes...
yi qiu told me instead of 300 there was only 18... i din noe whether she was joking or i am just too ignorant in grecian history...
and i doubt anyone will watch it with me... (especially irene, who prob runs away at hearing the plot ^______^)

i remember a funny conversation btw motoko & batou in SAC:
Batou: thats the movie you want to see. do you want to go and see it together sometimes?
Motoko: no.
Batou(shocked): why not?
Motoko: if its a movie I like very much, I prefer to watch it just on my own.
Batou: then...what about movies you don't "like very much"? we can see one of those.
Motoko: then it won't be necessary to go and see a movie I don't like anyway.

^______^
this is very true...

but reminds me, wen the real holiday comes, I also want to drag alison to see Amazing Grace with me...
I am sure she will gladly join me, on hearing the familiar names: Ioan Gruffudd, Romola Garai, Rufus Sewell...
bring back fond memories of those shows we loved: the Forsyte Saga, Charles II, and of course...Daniel Deronda...

and of course, fluffy bug got the rite answer. Yay! ^________^
in KOH, King Baldwin IV of Jerusalem said those beautiful words.
one of my biggest regret in life is not seeing Kingdom of Heaven on big screen...
in short, the king from KOH is a very very attractive man.
its rare to find such an attractive character in movies.

well enuf of movies...
let prospective plans for the real holiday motivate me...

The beautiful words spoken

2007-04-11T19:20:00.000+09:30

I loved these words and the person who said it to bits, from the time I first heard it till now:

....But remember that, even when those who move you be kings or men of power, your soul is in your keeping alone.
When you stand before God you cannot say "but I was told by others to do thus" or that "virtue was not convenient at the time". This will not suffice. Remember that.

things i reali like i repetitively post in blogs... hope tis is not a repeat^^

anyone still procrastinating and checking this place can take a guess where is this quote from and who's the person that said it... ^___________^

Sloth

2007-04-10T16:36:00.000+09:30

been re-reading The Monarch Book of Sins & Virtues.

today turned upon a page... about sloth:

By Jerome K. Jerome(1859-1927)
I like idling when I ought not to idling; not when it is the only thing I have to do. That is my pig-headed nature. The time I like best to stand with my back to the fire, calculating how much I owe, is when my desk is heaped highest with letters that must be answered by the next post. When I like to dawdle longest over my dinner, is when i have a heavy evening's work before me. And if, for some urgent reason, I ought to be up particularly early in the morning, it is then, more than at any other time, that I love to lie an extra half-hour in bed.

very truthful...

theologically, sloth is defined as "being careless towards the things of God".

i probably should quote no more... its a terrible thing wen i know all these stuff, and then go back and procrastinate more like these words never had any effect on me.

KY

2007-04-07T19:35:00.000+09:30

Ken & andrew dun noe abt this place... hehehehe... *stealthy looks*

will use this opportunity to honour a friend who has the dip 2moro.

Tiffany: shld i sms ken to congratulate him yet?
me: just say ur congrats 2moro la....
no need to rush^___________^
Tiffany: so ken doesn't change his mind over night..
me: o_______________0
did u get that idea from praying???
Tiffany: nope
me: gdness me.....i was scared....
Tiffany: we'll forcefully dunk him in
me: dun worry.... wen andrew says... u jump, i jump....
he won't have any hesitations

^____________^

a premature congrats goes to ken, a reliable,intelligent,& gentle shanghainese BIC who likes to do lots of deep thinking.
i guess i reali don't know ken that well, and sometimes can get into mind-winding heated discussions with him about certain issues.... >____< but still i think he is an awesome BIC and its reali gd to have his company & be able to witness his walk of faith over the years.

u r a precious child of God. May u continue to grow strong in Christ, and walk with confidence in His love, following His awesome plan for u.

quotes & pictures

2007-04-01T22:32:00.000+09:30

these days good quotes from other ppls blogs reali made me think:

from dave's blog:
"People like me exist because people are afraid of death, and we pour so much of our resources simply into delaying the inevitable. "

from cindy's blog:
"nothing is more precious than knowing that you are where God wants u to be."

from crystal's blog:
"尤其当希望在眼前却由于这样那样的原因消失无踪，无法控制客户和机会就像无法控制爱情的来去自由，于是内心再起伏不安，但仍保持笑脸，相信却不强求，可能有时候还是会情绪失控，就像此时此刻的自己，过后，依然坚强。"

so... a gd variety of interesting thoughts...

and in addition, funny stuff I reali liked, from Engrish:

^________^ very hilarious.

little things

2007-03-31T10:11:00.000+09:30

on thursday we had a 13-hr day driving included...
that night i had a really beautiful dream.
first i was at church eating after-service refreshments: homemade cookies dripping with chocolate sauce.
then i went to lunch at a hotpot place, i ate hotpot & drank soup from a reali yummy chicken claypot.
then some friends came to me and dragged me to a reali huge bookshop, with a sea of mangas, chinese & english novels. Lots of friends were walking around. and i was under the impression I could spend my whole day there, reading & catching up with friends.
wen i woke up i didn't reali want to wake up, but after i wake up i was still happy, just like all these things has actually happened. ^_____^

i can get really scared & depressed talking to very persuasive & firm ppl.
hence usually a 99% avoidance.
these days i try to go along abit more with my spotaneous thoughts, and take up some courage to overcome a few of my own weaknesses.
but i guess one problem is that: i am very firm in my own sense, and it is an irritable burning pain wen my own sense of logic has no room to be accepted.
but I don't have to be rite.
It is not because when I am rite, then His Words become rite.
it is not because He is rite, then I could use it to prove that I am rite.
cos He is rite even when no one is rite.

i remember myself in one of those horrid states wen I think He wants to make bad things happen in my life and my heart becomes very rebellious.
but I think God's love has a postive likelihood ratio of infinity.
so there are no false positives---ie. its impossible for one to believe in God & His love & down the track eventually discover that this is not the case and after all He doesn't reali care about me.
there are only false negatives---wen one believes in one's own mind that He doesn't love, but the fact is that He really does, and He always does.
i dun understand EBP that well, maybe someone can help in refining the analogy. ^____^

some gd, some not so gd stuff (hopefully all gd someday)

2007-03-23T18:16:00.000+10:30

tiffany wanted me to do an update of this blog...
well i guess ok... its always gd wen a friend appreciate ur thoughts and want to read more for procrastination purposes. ^^
these days my thoughts are more negative than usual, the whole matter of case presentation and communication skills increasing tires me... i have always been a poor communicator and most of the time the more practise i have the more stressful i feel the more poorly i do and the more pessimistic i become.
a horrid vicious circle...
reali making me doubt whether i should give way to more capable ppl who can "yap yap" more confidently and intelligently.
pastor josh prayed for me at young adults on friday... i want to believe things can be changed but scepticism still nags me. >______<
and i hope i am not going to feel more negative by grumbling on this blog.
so yep need to persevere, trust and believe. so my dear SICs plz remember me in ur prayers.^^

at young adults someone said: danielle is coming back soon.
suddenly made me realise how much i missed her.
LOL danielle never reads this so i will keep on talking abt her.
i missed all the lifts she gave me b4 my driving days, and her always so-persistent offer to drive me around despite me feeling bad for troubling her too much.
i missed all the quality time dnm we had last yr regarding med & family & life & relationship, and being able to learn so much from her experiences.
i missed all the patient and loving advices she gave me wenever i, in some kind of prostrate distress, came to her with many grumbles. she was never impatient, never imposed her own ways of thinking on me.
i missed all the hugs and free food from her... still remember that nite wen she baked sweet potato and remembered that i like them so drove all the way from templestowe to box hill to deliver some to me... and actually got lost... >____<
i misssed her mature & kind presence, just someone always there, someone i can always approach wen i need some support and love.
*sniff*
yes in short i reali miss her.
looking forward to seeing her again and having her company again this year.*hearts*

We saw tiffany today...

2007-03-13T18:53:00.001+10:30

Me and irene went to find a patient this arvo...
and we saw "tiffany"... and asked her for patients.
(austinees should know who am i talking about^^)
slightly different from last year, she has this reali mature reali elegant doctor look now.
then i saw the 2 rings on her finger.
reali elegant rings too.
*hearts*
so... "tiffany" is married.
me and irene were just awwing the whole way when we walked to our patient.

so... point of the story: Ganbatte to the real tiffany ^_____^

In memory: Slamdunk

2007-03-08T22:58:00.000+10:30

the other day i got a lift to bsf from paul and saw the lovely slamdunk figurines in his car.
"so cute!!!" i said, drooling.
despite the fact that i myself own 2 identical sets of those... exactly the same ones.

brought back memories of slamdunk, even when i have never forgotten about them.
i remember with fondness the time i got a set similar to those as my 20th bday present from all the meddies. tiffany spotted them on her hillsong trip in sydney, remembered my obsession, and bought them for me.
she din noe i already had a set of those myself.
yet i still loved my extra set very much... wen mum was tidying my room she once mentioned: u have 2 sets of those? give one set away!
"no! mine! they r all mine!" i was completely possessive and refused to share any of those with anyone.

and i also remember with great amusement, the time we sat in austin lecture theatre, wei dozing off as usual.
i took out the little sleeping and slobbering Rukawa figurine, and put it on the desk next to him.
tiffany saw it and was reali amazed: hey that thing looks just like wei!
LOL
indeed.
*rukawa is the superstar character of slamdunk. so...i think its quite an honour^^
(thanx to wei who left...um...nice...comments on our blogs...LOL)

i saw God in slamdunk too.
(everyone: *glare* how did you manage to see God in that? so obsessed)
Sakuragi... the boy from whom the whole story evolved, was rejected by 50 girls in his junior high. on his first day in senior high, he saw his 51st crush.
a pretty girl stranger Haruko randomly asked him: Do you like basketball?
that moment she became his goddess.
"yes! i really like basketball!" saying that, while had never touched a basketball before in his life.
he joined the basketball team, hoping to be the awesome basketball star to win her attention & her heart, bickering and fighting always with haruko's crush Rukawa, superstar of the team.
he slowly became one essential member in the wonderful basketball world.
meeting new friends, new foes; learning about himself; learning about teamwork; learning about living and doing ur best for the cause so many have devoted all their passions to.

by the last volume of the manga, sakuragi's team was in their toughest battle, versus country's best high school team.
sakuragi had badly injured his back in a collison a few minutes before. the whole stadium's attention was on him.
could he play? could he not play?
only a few more minutes left for the match, without sakuragi, the team might well just give up and lose.
Haruko was worried and rushed down to see sakuragi during the break.
and he said the most memorable words:
I---I---I like----I like---
i really like basketball! this time i am not lying!!

a scene that never failed to touch me.
isn't it just like our walk with God?
We come to Him with whatever unpleasant selfish motives... motives we do not even want to examine too deeply ourselves.
We come to him, maybe wanting to use Him as a tool, to get whatever we desperately want.
But He does change us.
He would let us see His wonderfulness, see how much better it is to have a relationship with Him, much better than what we had wanted in the first place.
then our own selfish motives cease to be important.
analogy slightly awkward, as God is God, not basketball.
but i am sure the concept is not all absurd...

do not be afraid or ashamed if we seek God for the wrong reason. do not be discouraged if we think we come to Him because our families or friends did: we just didn't want to feel left out.
He is most wonderful.
When we are there, He will show us how wonderful it is to have a relationship with Him. Trust and walk with Him.
may not be an easy walk.
but despite the numerous difficulties, Sakuragi really enjoyed basketball, and became an awesome basketball player.
we can really enjoy God, and become great children of His.

wen can we say the words, just like wat Sakuragi said?

I really love God.
and this time i am not lying.

He will see that day come for us.

I realised...

2007-02-20T22:46:00.000+10:30

i always tell ppl: i dun reali like self-centred ppl, and because of that, i always endeavour to be altruistic!
yet i realised i dun like ppl's self-centredness the most---
wen i myself is self-absorbed, troubled, and in rebellion with God.
but wen i am in connection with God's spirit of love, i dun even think this way.
it is a good lesson.
wen i am truly in accordance with His love, I would not be morally invasive nor live in a spirit of criticism.
"morally invasive"....LOL i find it such a wonderful term...just like "spiritually proud"... sounds so...not right... yet not uncommon human attitudes...
lets just pray we ourselves dun go down this path without awareness.

on valentines day i got a reali wonderful gift, from the Lord.
It came to me in the deep of the night, was very abrupt.
and absolutely awesome.
If I tell you wat is it... i am sure most of u would burst into laughter...
and think yn is just one incurably immature anime-obsessed addict...
yet it was something so important to me... that the magnitude of joy it brings... is just GREAT.
even my lousy, sometimes overactive imagination, can be so blessed by Him.
was inspired by tiffinity's blog: there is no better valentine than jesus.
I just pray that i will not abuse His blessings this time... as it had happened many times b4... >.<
i still need to learn to trust him more and more.
all goodness in me come from God.
It is so true.
So pray I will no longer claim wats not mine as mine, and abuse it.

so ppl understand if i talk about Parkinsonian "on" & "off" days?
i realised God is not my levodopa, and sin is not the incurable, progressively declining Parkinson's.
I cannot take some "godly boost tablets" and have a great on-phase wen i do & say Godly things. Yet during my off-phase just do watever that pleases me, while having atrociously negative thoughts. Then seeing myself in a pitable state, get some more boost and be "on" for another period of time.
and the vicious cycle continues, as the effect of levodopa gradually wearing off... then, needing stimulation in more stronger doses, it eventually lost all its effects in me.
bleak yeh?
but God is not a medication for quick relief, and at all times, I should refrain from thinking abt Him in such a way.

I realised...
it has been quite some months since my night of panic in bendigo, which made me write an email asking for prayers from our "cu" group.
should say it has been almost 6 months... and this problem hasn't haunted me once during this time.
Thank you all for ur care and prayers.
I am glad to have known u such wonderful ppls...
reali glad.

Lovely doctors

2007-02-08T18:56:00.000+10:30

i reali reali like reali old, nice, grandpa-like consultants.
Went to outpatients this week and followed one such consultant around... in his company i was very content and very willing to learn... (comparatively speaking that is)
which reminds me of the time wen my dad spoke of my gp: hey i think the doctor u always go to has a sherlock holmes feel, don't you think?
(I have watched enuf sherlock series for him to have a firm impression of sherlock.)
...
i din realise...but now u said it...
My GP is... quite old... looked nothing different from wen me at 14 first visited him... and... he does have a very Sherlockian feel.
Now i kind of understood why I like going to him so much, especially wen i needed to vent out all my cancer paranoia.
so yes, there r very lovely doctors around.

Nippon Fever

2007-01-23T19:39:00.000+10:30

I realised me and Angel both like Abe Hiroshi. He is a very good actor, best at subtle humour.

Sorimachi Takashi is also brilliant. He is not as popular as he used to be, but he was awesome in GTO, the all-time classic cool-teacher drama.
My favourite remained Takenouchi Yutaka. He has a more introverted and controlled style. Used to be a pretty-boy star, his acting has so much more strength now, as he is now older and uglier. LOL

I love melbourne uni

2007-01-11T21:54:00.000+10:30

when i have some time in the holidays i like to study a few things i like...
for example: reading chinese historical essays. LOL
for quite some years I have been obsessed with this awesome chinese poet from the yuan dynasty.

born into an aristocratic family, in his teens he was renowned for his physical strength and horseriding skills, wen he was 20 he was made an army general of a vast territory. Soon after he gave up his position to his younger bro and left to study chinese lit & poetry in the capital. Wen he was 27 his literary talent became so renowned that the emperor made him head scribe of the court as well as literary teacher for the crowned prince.
Yet he found politics dark and tiresome, so wen he was 29, he again gave up his position... and went to live quietly in hangzhou...
He became a medicine man, selling muslim medicine to ppl in need.

What an awesome life.
Doesn't that remind u a bit of Kyoshiro-san from Samurai Deeper KYO, the happy medicine man? Only much more exciting.
hence the obsessed study into his life & poetry.
I googled his name and went thru the whole list of results searching for interesting facts and commentary of his life. A few essays and book titles I found belong to this chinese scholastic journal database, which I would need to pay for access.
But I suddenly remembered catalogue for the eastern asian collection in baillieu library...
they actually have his biography(in full chinese... published in 1983) stored away in some dark dusty corner... *touched*
with my student status I could access the full chinese journal database from melbourne... at no cost and at no extra time searching... *even more touched*
last nite my hand was shaking with excitement wen i clicked on the essay i really wanted.
I love melbourne uni... deep from the heart...

Ramblings

2006-12-02T23:28:00.000+10:30

I hate the me that do things apart from God.
And I am more and more glad when i can come back to Him and affirm that He loves me.
Exam is finally finished for me. Not much sense of holiday joy, cos the exam was only a sole 40 mins oral exam.
Went to see 2 ppl at graduation today: max and yi qiu. A few friends have also done a countdown calendar for our graduation. Do i look forward to my graduation? prob not, but still i think the red roses some ppl were holding looked awesome with the cardinal red hood for medicine.
Yes I would love some red roses on my graduation too. But i guess its useless to fantasize about such things.
after exam i usually become more careless, rude and disinhibited in things I say...(usually on a mild and prob unnoticeable level)but still hopefully din offend anyone by any chance.
At my blunt insistence med family changed gathering place from glenny to jeremy's house, and still a full house turned up... was touched.. to see the mostly complete family again. As I leave I just felt sad.
at church the whole youth grp saw paul & wenshu off to china mission, and danielle is already gone. happy occasion, and a weird and ill-founded shanghainese pride came to me. Its wonderful to see shanghainese ppl being such faithful children of God.
on a racist generalisation we shanghainese have very hardened hearts, think too much and too vulgarly for our own good and very absorbed in our self-centredness. So its a truely wonderful thing to see God shaping many of our kind into Godly atypical shanghainese.
And yes I would love to go for medical mission for my electives. But before He clearly sends me I would pray and not move. However this I could fantasize about, cos sally kindly offered me over lunch: "hey if u ever want to borrow money from me just let me know. I am not that rich but around 500 should be ok..."
LOL and Hugz to sally. I reali reali do miss u too.
The greatest achievement for me this semester is to realise God does love me, and I do have a relationship with Him and I long to be closer and closer. This love is in fact similar to how I love normal humans, but only better.
Only better, much better.
Or this really shouldn't be called an achievement? cos its all His grace.
i have also realised that wen a distressed prayer is not immediately answered, it reali is not that He doesn't care. When I continue to rely on Him, He will bring me peace and His answer will come.
in retrospect, I had a very poor opinion of the character of the God I worshipped, which was.... indeed disturbing.
Thanx to His love, that grew me in Godly wisdom.

Aggressive

2006-11-20T19:41:00.000+10:30

Chris told me: YN i think you are more aggressive now.
O_O
Am I?
maybe i am, given I was very under-aggressive. Living under an impulsive and aggressive mother I have learnt to avoid aggravation at all costs.
Maybe its her current absence at home that allowed me to give more expression to my aggressiveness.
lol
not reali.
i pray wen i am assertive, i am assertive for His glory.
and wen i am not, its always out of submission and love, not out of fear of aggravation.

Thank Him again, I learnt a gd lesson 2day.

A moment of revelation

2006-11-15T17:24:00.000+10:30

Today I was not too troubled by my lymph nodes, but wasn't in a mood of studying either, and out of sloth and greed I had this huge craving for KFC, so was persuading tiffany to go to KFC with me. In the end I didn't go either, but went to burgundy st and bought some sushis, probably a much wiser thing to do.

Just want to share abit of some Godly wisdoms I have recently acquired. 2 wks ago at the bible study at youth group we were discussing a verse, and suddenly the revelation(probably the biggest revelation of my life came to me.

Luke 9:23 Then he said to them all: "If anyone would come after me, he must deny himself and take up his cross daily and follow me."

I not only occasionally envy ppl's crosses which seemed lighter, but more of the times, I am glaring at other ppls' crosses that seemed much "heavier".
This tendency greatly accentuates as i frequent the oncology ward these days, look at terminally ill patients and live with a survivor's guilt that why its those ppl and not me who have to suffer such misfortune. thus I live in perpetual doubt and fear that: when will I have to deal with these horrid trials? Should I be mentally prepared for such things now so I can be strong when they actually hit me?
all of the talks, sermons, books, on "do not worry" had minimal effects on me.

But as i read about "take up his cross daily", i was suddenly hit by the word "daily".
not "take up his cross and never put it down", but "take up his cross daily".
so one's cross each day is not the same. today's cross is not tomorrow's cross.
Liberating for someone paranoid like me.
so I can just focus on taking up my own cross today, and won't need to look at other heavier crosses or speculate what is my cross tomorrow.

when I do focus and look at my cross for each day, its not such an easy task either, but to be honest, a much easier load than what i always made myself carry in the past.
And I am a much happier person when I can focus on carrying my daily cross.

Thank Him.

Psalm 73

2006-11-04T23:10:00.000+10:30

This week sometime, out of some ill-founded despair, i decided that I had enough and i was going to stay down a pit, never coming out again.
But God has been so gracious to pull me out gently & firmly even b4 the thought became consolidated in my mind.
And I am happy that I am under His authority again.
And that just made me realise that if my uni life has been without Him, how difficult I myself would have made it to be.
Sometimes its just so hard to tell if we are going thru difficult struggles or not(whether imaginary or actual struggles). I know i am neither suicidal nor depressed, but it doesn't mean when i exaggerate a situation in a wrong state of mind, I would not walk across the driveway of austin hospital and wish the car to run me over.
So i won't need to care about anything from then on.
And that, was absolute stupidity.

during my walk with God, one thing reali strikes me is that He reali took care of me like how a Father would love an ignorant bad tempered child.
He actively pursues me, even wen I am faithless.
As I cry my eyes out in a corner because my building blocks have collapsed, he would not leave me there, for me to calm down from senseless tears and become obedient, before he communicate to me again.
He would come and comfort me and hold my hand and draw me back to Him.

one of my favourite psalms is Psalm 73
....This is what the wicked are like--
always carefree, they increase in wealth.

Surely in vain have I kept my heart pure;
in vain have I washed my hands in innocence.
All day long I have been plagued;
I have been punished every morning.

If I had said,"I will speak thus,"
I would have betrayed your children.
When I tried to understand all this
it was oppressive to me
till I entered the sanctuary of God;
then I understood their final destiny.

...When my heart was grieved
and my spirit embittered
I was senseless and ignorant;
I was a brute beast before you.

Yet I am always with you;
you hold me by my right hand.
You guide me with your counsel,
and afterward you will take me into glory.
Whom have I in heaven but you?
And earth has nothing I desire besides you.
My flesh and my heart may fail,
but God is the strength of my heart
and my portion forever.

i want to thank Him for I am loved, and for all He had done in me.