29th of Jun to 12th of Jul

I have neglected my English blog for more than two months now. i think it deserves a big chunky post from me.
A few details of what happened in the past 2 wonderful weeks.

before this 2 wk period started I was pretty much distressing about it... thinking that I definitely would get sick during this time, become exhausted and have a pretty miserable time.

Turns out this is probably one of the most memorable fortnight in my life so far. Will always keep the memories, laugh and cry over it in future times.

Youth camp
Past 2 youth camps I have missed both. Almost thought I couldn't make it for this one either because of sickness, but then thought: I do have a responsibility to go. So pumped myself up with vitamin supplements and prepared sufficient aspirins b4 I set off.
Although being an atrociously pathetic first-aider, and also still in the habit of thinking with too much complexity and therefore probably was not able to offer clear powerful answers to ppl in discussion, I found myself very encourged overall through this camp.
Living in the leaders' lounge with lingli, ruth, siewyong, danielle and ariel: very comfy, very bonding, very fun, very enjoyable. Even had a chance to do BGR d&m one afternoon. Bonus was that we were all decent aged ppl who slept early and knew how to take care of ourselves and each other.
Medical emergencies: exposed my utter ignorance in medical practice... I did not know how to deal with a casualty screaming in pain, even after 3+ years of studies...(yes I know) After 1st emergency... I was secretly thinking--thank goodness Jason was there to handle it, very unlikely another emergency will happen--No, the next day my probability theory was proven wrong. 2nd emergency! This time no Dr Jason around. Danielle and Ruth were doing as much as they could, so I suddenly realised I should be doing something too.
All I could do was to run back and get my first aid book to check up the index for muscle cramps. Real life situation and 3 lines of text on a book, however, can be very very different. Finally realised one simple golden rule: Each situation has to be dealt differently. But it was very comforting to know so many people were there helping, so many people came and gave encouraging concerns, and so many people prayed.
Special thanks goes to Danielle, Ruth, David, as well as Mary and Sharon who helped me to analyse the situation across the phone... Thank goodnesss I managed to get mobile reception that night.
Holy Spirit Night: Prayed for many people(probably the first time ever I felt a bit confident in praying for other people)also got Pastor Josh to pray for me too. Laughed out so hard when he said to me: "Yi Ning, you are too busy. " That was so true... and I was laughing because what he said was so true when he didn't even know me. He pointed out my spiritual problem of not speaking to God enough and advised me to constantly thank God. Have been trying my best to do it since then... really helps. less fear and more confidence in Him.
Also managed to have good catch up with Michael that night, as well as gave siew yong a reali reali big hug.^^
Coming back: had a very very high quality d&m chat with danielle on the bus, regarding med, mission, future plans, and Shanghainese parents. Very comforted by danielle's advices and encouragement. Thanks Danielle!! You have always been such an awesome sister to me.

the day after
Worked, and then Michael called me about Tiff's coming to box hill in the arvo. Realised I indeed had a gap btw clients that arvo, so met up with Tiff and Michael. Talked about camp, church, as well as had a quality serious BGR discussion. Very enjoyable.

Med trip
finally caught up with a few of the ppls I haven't seen in a while. Was quite happy to see Lu joining us on the trip, more old box hill catch up.
Food: helped Jia Jia cooking some shanghainese food on some of the days. Alena also on the trip, so yeh... GO! Shanghainese!!! Lots of nice food were made by the reali wonderful chefs there(ie. jj, alena, irene, dora etc). I myself tried to eat as much as i could... in fear that my immune system would be down if I dun eat enuf and i mite get sick again.
Sleep: on the same bed with Lu, had really good catch up. Took a sleeping pill the last nite(or the last morning?)in fear that if I dun sleep enough i would get sick and not be able to go to sally's party.
Dance: attempted.. to dance with everyone else on chao's party nite. also learnt a bit of rumba from Lu, still very much wanting to learn proper dancing but no time.
Alcohol: i am always fascinated by cocktail mixing... but I dun like to drink. Learnt a bit of baileys + butterscotch mixing from Lu(again!^^) tried to do a vodka + cordial mix with alison, failed to get the layers of colour, but still fun. and handshake to wei who also likes to mix cocktail but doesn't like to drink.
Gamble(joking): watched guys playing poker... finally understood a bit now. Saw a persistent match between ken and wei that went on forever... while eating fried stick dipped in soy sauce at the same time, with bei. Yum.
D&M: D&Med a bit with Lu each nite, then on the last nite when everyone was still around the table, joined a conversation btw ken and wei abt Christian stuff. Found out with delight that both of them reali wanted to do mission work in the future as well. Tiffany later also joined... 4 of us then moved on to have a heated discussion about tithing. hmmm...
After that... d&med more with wan, wei and lu about various spiritual issues: dealing with parents with differnt faith, the science of Jesus walking on water, reliability of the bible etc. had to take sleeping pill after that to grab some quality sleep.
Thanks to all who listened and d&med. Greating brain exercise and great bonding time.
Shoe hunt: Was having breakfast that morning and got a bit suspicious of the packets of mi goreng outside a full box. Then when people started looking for shoe.. realised something must be within the mi goreng box... so yes found tiff's shoe there. When i explained my pathetic method of deduction to get the shoe... heard someone saying: She can be a detective!
Because of that comment I was excited for a whole afternoon. Thanks to whoever randomly said it.
Other randomness: one day woke up to brush teeth, saw traces of blood with mucus in the sink. First impression: SOMEONE IS COUGHING/VOMITING BLOOD! Thinking back: Jeremy used the sink before. NO! JEREMY MUST BE COUGHING/VOMITING BLOOD! Rushed out to check... but realised he only had a bleeding nose.

Sally's party
Same night when we came back from the trip, went to good friend Sally's 21st party. Big thanx to Jeremy who gave me so many lifts to and fro...
Actually made a speech, which went quite alrite, even though I felt very unprepared. But the joyful thing was that this was actually the first time I saw sally after she came back from Canada. Also found out the joyful news that sally and dave are engaged! You lucky ppl! Congrats!
The cake looked very stylish too. Also caught up with lovely mentor Mary on the night.

Alison's party
The next night. Thanks for finding such a nice place Alison. Food was delightful!Had a very nice Japanese bento. Thanks again Alison! Had good catch up with maxine, took more fotos, had lots of good laughs from speech and also other random stuff. Saw this interesting japanese drink called Ramune Peach... very cute bottle. Saw Siew Yong and Lu as well and 2 groups merged for a while. Ended up feeling a bit sentimental at the end of the night, gave hugs to people I won't be able to see in a while...>_<

First Aid Course
I literal only read the book one day before the course...
But no, still managed to pass the assessment. Had the course with a very interesting group, talked about various different scenarios, and had a good laugh at some of those. So didn't feel bored which was good.
When practising CPR on the plastic models. I realised my arms were much stronger than 3 years ago, and I could breath much deeper. 3 years ago when I first did First Aid course... one round of CPR and EAR could send myself hyperventilating on the floor.
Very glad of the change.

Committee meeting
Was pretty scared what mum would think of a weekly meeting at the pastor's house. Prayed myself the whole day and also asked others to pray for me, so asked mum whether I could go to the meeting only after i finished work at 8, in case she changed her mind. To my surprise she didn't complain... but just allowed me to go.
Can hear myself breathing out deep after she said that...
Thanks to Lingli for your comforting words, and your prayers.

Last days at work
Gave some little presents to some of my favourite clients. One was an elderly couple.. and the old lady had always been so kind to me and treated me almost like a granddaughter. When I was about to leave she told me that she wished that she could still see me at work one day when I become a doctor. >.<(Had to choke back tears at that moment) I gave her a little handcraft vase made out of plastic beads.
When I tell clients I won't be working when semester starts, my favourite line so far has been: I am going back to study...in Bendigo.
It makes me feel very un-ESL, very country-bumpkin, and very good.

I just would like to give thanks to the Lord for His gift of the wonderful two weeks of experiences He had blessed me with. Although it may have been tiring yet I remained healthy and energetic enough to do all I needed to do, without His grace this is something impossible for me. I would like to thank Him to all the great times I had, all the love I received from friends, and I hope He had used me during this time to encourage and touch other people's hearts too.

and Respect...

Good old Eaglewood Dust, I haven't forgotten about u. When I face the reality that I still need English to survive... I am coming back to you. *hearts flying around*
Anyway, on a joyful note, since last month or so I have been into the habit of memorising Bible verses. Now there is a handful of them rooted in my brain... which I can pull out and quote without needing to flip through the Bible like mad when I reali need them.
Still can do better but I am quite happy about it so far. I always had the excuse that I am bad at memory work... and that if the occasional remembering of medical knowledge already proved an extremely unwelcoming chore, I avoided Scripture Memory all together. (Just in case I find it so hard that I would even lose enthusiasm to read the Bible)
But when the Lord touched my heart and I started remembering them... the joy is great. And I even gain sum confidence that---the remembering medical stuff... would not be so TERRIBLE... either.
A beautiful verse these days I always keep to heart is:
But in your heart set apart Christ as Lord. Always be prepared to give an answer to everyone who askes you to give a reason for the hope that you have. But do this with gentleness and respect. 1 Peter 3:15
And the difficult part is: RESPECT. majority won't have a problem with gentleness... after all everyone knows how to pull off a sheepish smile to a degree...
but respect... hum... no respect does not equal politeness.
most evangelism effort that you can see around you involves a smiling and try-hard "sweet and caring" Christian telling of the doctrine with a condescending "love" that we are the absolute TRUTH, and by telling u this we pouring our love out to you.
Well, a good thing to tell the TRUTH. But what about the respect?
If you put a blind person in a beautiful park and tells him/her: this is the most fantastic spot in the world and that even though you can't see, the truth is its beautiful---
Is such a "truth" truth?
without respect.. sometimes even TRUTH can be made foul by human efforts.
How can we say "God is the answer to everything!We know He will work for you!" to someone and expect a response, without even wanting to spend the time, and reali getting to know the person, know the situation?
Its like we want a blind person in the park to admit its beautiful scenery, but are not bothered(or even thought of)sitting down and explaining everything we see to the person so they can figure the whole scene out in the head.
in more atrocious cases we don't even realise that the person is blind at all, but just forcing them to sit there and ENJOY.
Respect... the essential basics in any friendship or relationship... funny how many Christians simply don't have that when it comes to doing the most important job for the Lord...
and a scary thought to think back to my own "efforts"... that not long ago I was in the same league as the ones I have mentioned, without even an awareness that respect has to come in when I do God's work...
May the Lord forgive me.
We Christians are also still learning to see. The more we see the more we can understand and respect.
Do take time to let the Lord prepare you before you do work for Him. And the preparation is daily, always.

A blog post of laughter material

last nite after 10 stopped talking with ppl on msn and all resolved to do sum thesis writing... but no... a lil forward from alice ruined it all... >_< Its a forward of pictures of bad english from fob countries. lol so spent a whole hr around midnite last nite looking thru the whole website of engrish pictures... and laughing till my stomach hurted...(was still hurting 2day when i woke up)
and went to koorong today after work, initiated from this interesting promise i made to God a week ago. well last week or so I was struck down with a very bad sinus problem... voice completely gone and it became apparent that i was being silly for holding up and not seeing a doctor. and my very reason for not seeing a doctor was that: I was still in the process of applying a Health care card after stupid centrelink ppl accidentally cancelled it... >_<
if u r rich and dun noe wat a health care card can do...lol well it lets u get more than 50% discount on medication, and also concession on transport too...
so yes my reason for doctorphobia was in fact being cheap and not wanting to pay 13 bucks or so for miserable antibiotics, which, unlike food, could not make me happy. lol

well then came my lil promise to God one nite praying out of sickness: Lord if u let me free from seeing a doctor... I will buy Wild at Heart for you to give to a friend to read... with the antibiotics money...
yes it is a sad and faithless prayer... but the Lord answered that. a pastor with healing gifts arrived at yth grp when i was in the most sick and prostrate state... and on the next day miraculous started to feel better. so a week later, was going to Koorong to get the book.

and i think i better explain wat is "Wild at Heart"
maybe the tagline under that title is self-explanatory: Discovering the Secret of a Man's Soul.
yes, as in proper male "man", not "man" meaning overall mankind.
How did I come across reading this book? while was doing library catalogue for youth group and this book jumped to my eye so I grabbed it and read...
yes i am this desperate and read a book about men...
but yes it did keep me entertained and gave me some inspirations too(although i think they were intended for "men"...*sweat*)such as finding courage because our Lord is also a courageous warrior... very powerful words for sumone like me who have no courage at all.>_<
and as i read... realised this book is so good for a friend who usually can get offended by Christian stuff... cos it just spoke from down-to-earth and appealed to basic human courage and passion.
but for quite a while still wasn't sure enuf whether i could be bothered to spend this money on a book about "men"... and especially buy it not for myself at all, but for this friend(or friends) to read...
but yes fear of the antibiotics expense prompted me to make this promise to God.lol

and here it was, in koorong, price just the amount I would have to spend on antibiotics.
and while in koorong bought another book, which also kind of jumped to my eye and yelled at me to grab it...
and this one has an even better title and tagline:
Loves Me, Loves Me Not
The Ethics of Unrequitted Love
lol... reading thru it after i got home... so brilliant and honest... was laughing as much as what i did for engrish last nite...

2 of the brilliant questions asked by the book and answered:
What are the appropraite reasons for turning down romantic advances from someone? Is it appropriate to reject a person because I am afraid? Because the person does not measure up to a list of qualification I have developed? Because I am not attracted to that person's appearance? Do I ever need a reason?

If I have been rejected? am I obligated to get over my attraction to the person who rejected me? Is it neurotic to keep loving someone who has turned me down?

nice yeh? how many books actually talk abt such things?

and my favourite pic from engrish:

YN's dream adventure

last nite had a reali vivid dream... one of those that is not reali too random... do make some sense... and is still very clear after i wake up.
the dream started with me having a fight with maxine... and then having a fight with chris... (if you don't know them well they are like 2 of the nicest ppl i noe), and they r not reali like fights about serious issues, more like primary school kiddish fights. now what does that mean? me harbouring deep dissatisfaction about these two? ehhh... i thought hard about that after i woke up... but still found nothing wrong about them...
so you noe these two plz dun tell them about my dream... if they reali want to have a fight with me, I am no match in physical strength or verbal skills... (lol yes even with these two)
then the dream progress for a while and it seems wan's birthday is coming up, then i found out that i couldn't go to wan's party so thus a hectic attempt to change my schedules around... now what does this mean? maybe because our next big bday candidate once played the role of wan in a video for alison. lol
and then i ended up in a different space and time. where and when? ancient china the era of the 3 kingdoms. In fact a few friends were with me too... except i can't remember who they are... but yeh we were like courtiers and advisers to some warlords.. who wants to attack the other army. I think i suggested using fire to attack... and the warlord agreed, so we shoot fire arrows to attack the other army, but then a reali strong wind blew, and the fire kind of spread to our camp as well... >_<
but it wasn't scary... almost comical...
hence i woke up.
because I went to the 3 kingdoms in my dream and played a "smart" adviser, when i woke up I was happy.
I think the 3 kingdom component of the dream reali came from my recent obsession with The Ravage of Times, as well as Tank's new song "Love of the 3 Kingdoms".
Speaking of Tank, he is my latest fob singer obsession. he can compose and write and sing well and has his unique style. and he is a Christian! ^^ he dedicated the first song in his first album to the Lord... so cool^^ and the whole album has this reali positive and genuine attitude... just reminds ppl how great it is to worship the Lord with ur talents.
lyrics of Love of the 3 Kingdoms
?三國戀
詞曲：Tank　演唱：Tank

將軍 北方倉糧佔據 六馬十二兵 等待你光臨
胡琴 訴說英勇事跡 敗軍向南遠北方離
家鄉 在那美的遠方 期望在身上 夢想在流浪
肩上 剩下的能量 還能撐到什麼地方

等待良人歸來那一刻 眼淚為你唱歌
在我離你遠去哪一天 藍色的雨下在我眼前
驕傲的淚不敢棄守我眼睛

在我離你遠去哪一天 灰色的夢睡在我身邊
我早就該習慣沒有你的夜 勇敢的面對

赤壁烽火連天戰役 隻挂掉我們 七萬個兄弟
長江水面寫日記 願你也能看見漣漪
家鄉 在那美的遠方 淚水背著光 安靜而悲傷
肩上 剩下的能量 還能撐到什麼地方

等待良人歸來那一刻 眼淚為你唱歌
在我離你遠去哪一天 藍色的雨下在我眼前
驕傲的淚不敢棄守我眼睛

在我離你遠去哪一天 灰色的夢睡在我身邊
我早就該習慣沒有你的夜 勇敢的面對
我試著面對 灰色的夜 還在眼前

等待良人歸來那一刻 眼淚為你唱歌
在我離你遠去哪一天 藍色的雨下在我眼前
驕傲的淚不敢棄守我眼睛

在我離你遠去哪一天 藍色的夢睡在我身邊
我早就該習慣沒有你的夜 勇敢的面對

PS. while writing this blog i saw andy's blog.. he blogged about his dream as well! lol a wonderful horror story.. maybe the weather reali makes u having vivid dreams. lol

Just realised...

Just realised this arvo... when sally complained to me that i din approve her comment... that i actually turned on moderation of comments on this blog without myself realising wat does it do...
so for quite some months, if i dun approve comments, they won't show up...
sori if there r actually still ppl reading this.. and for those who commented.. sori i din mean to block ur comments...
*sweat*
i am reali not that blog literate...
anyway.. moderation of comments is off now^^
in case i forgot how to check them again.. lol

Life is strangely so...

Well... after a prolonged obsessive bout of Chinese writing, I am now finding some comfort in expressing myself again with English.
I find English and Chinese constantly at struggle within me... like a Type A personality married couple dwelling inside my brain, english and chinese usually co-operate well together and one cannot do without the other... yet at the same time, they do fight for household dominance...
chinese has its way most of the time, but English snatches at opportunities to take authority over for certain periods and does not give expression to Chinese at all.
I still remember the whole of Yr 12 when I forced myself not to read any Chinese books, to improve my pidgin-English to some presentable level... yes English novels and papers were enjoyable as I slowly began to understand all its beauty and nuances... only that as soon as the English exam finished, heartless me swept all English things to a corner and immersed myself in chinese books... hoping that english would never come to haunt me again...
Unfortunately in the meantime... english and chinese got married... and its hard for them to file a divorce... so english now has its own permanent spot in the household... perhaps doing more good with chinese than either of them on their own.
Was thinking about making my msn space bilingual but then decided against it... after all i am not posting ECC Bilingual congregation newsletter... and it feels too much of a try-hard... showing off english in front of chinese reading ppl? showing off chinese in front of english reading ppl? that would be really sad to say the least...
as I was at work these 2 days... kept on reflecting so many things... things that happened to me.. things that happened to other ppl...
then I concluded that there are so many things in life, as we experience them... turn out to be so non-conventional... so anti-cliche(but sometimes a completely dramatic cliche is also an anti-cliche)... so beyond imagination...
suddenly the following words jumped into my head:
Life is strangely so...
Life is interestingly so...
then i realised here are some English words I cannot put in equivalent Chinese without losing some of its meanings...
and hence this blog post.
Dear Lord, I find that You really do have a brilliant sense of humour as You lovingly plan out many aspects of our lives. Help us to develope a sense of humour too as we look at our lives. Help us to see your humorous planning as you intend them to be, and not to see them as pain, frustration and misery.

Addiction

one thing i pride about myself is that i hardly ever feel bored.
there always seem to be so many things out there i can enjoy.
unfortunately today i realised that i am indeed feeling bored, and the reason for my newly-acquired boredom is an addiction.
I am addicted to reading friends' blogs.
took me a while to realise this... b4, i do update my chinese blog frequently to comment on novels and tv series, and to keep in touch with net friends from china. and i do also like reading blogs SOMETIMES....BUT NOW...
every since knowing that bei, jj and jeremy all have blogs, my enthusiasm for blogs has, for some reason, skyrocketed. the first thing i do every day i go into my office is to do a very thorough, very complete blog scan of all friends... and then leave comments not b/c i feel touched or inspired, just out of habit...
well so today during 1 hr lunch, after finishing scanning all friends' blogs, i suddenly found myself so bored... wat can i do next?
this is indeed very pathetic... and i should have realised my addiction ages ago...
at the start of last wk when i learnt that irene deleted her blog.. my feeling of disappointment became reali exaggerated... but then she restarted her blog so i was all happy again.
not to mention that last wk i was trying to persuade wei and ff to do blogs as well... and the fact that ken also started a blog last friday din help me to overcome my addiction either...

yes will focus myself on AMS more to overcome my addiction. and in office spare time wil watch more anime or visit friends, hoping they can be effective distractions.
LOL

Shanghainese "gayness"

well... after 2 wks of being sick and having my lifestyle largely limited, finally i am feeling better and can again function normally (except a still strange voice with which i can scare ppl saying i have bird flu ^0^).
and today still went to hospital to draw in regions of tumour for 10 or so patients. (at the same time went through 1 novel, 2 authors' blogs... and a complete blog scan of all friends) so yes had myself moderately productive, but 100% entertained in my quiet, air-conditioned, personal office... the peace I find is a reali big blessing.
and suddenly remembered something very interesting from my last visit to Shanghai. When i was sitting on a bus one late afternoon, 2 little year 7 boys were standin beside me having a very intimate conversation.
it was approaching christmas so I soon realised they were talking about Christmas presents. after they asked each other about what did they buy for teachers, they started to talk about the Christmas cards they gave to friends. then one of them said with a big sweet grin on his face, while nudging his friend:
"i dun give cards to girls! i gave every single guy in the class a card, but only with you card i attached this 1 RMB worth little trinket...
on hearing that the other boy had a bigger sweeter grin on his face, reali reali excited about his 1 RMB specialness to his friend...
then the 2 giggled in the most intimate fashion...
very innocent, very cute, very sweet, and very gay.
I had since entertained myself with the thought of how gay these boys may turn out when they grow up.
after all year 7 means 12 or 13... stil a child but old enough to want to try out a less girly way of displaying friendship.

words by Saitou Hajime

Re-reading Rurouni Kenshin and really having a good time looking at Saitou-sama.
Found some reali brilliant Saitou quotes... since they r in English i guess they suit better on the English blog.

1. Humans are weak against terrorism and violence, and under such control their only desire is to survive no matter what. They lose all pride and respect.

2. Ten years, they're only two little words, but those years were very long to live through.

3. You tame a dog with food, and you can raise a man with money. But no one can tame a wolf of Mibu.

4. Only one thing stirs my emotion. Aku. Soku. Zan. For the sake of my justice alone!

5. "A man who cannot uphold his beliefs is pathetic in this world or the next."

6. Do not get angry... Few have the strength to risk death for the pride and respect that humans deserve. Because you do not need pride or respect just to stay alive…

and its quite weird that after i read quote no. 6 i went out of my office and saw this old lady on wheelchair wanting to go into the disabled bathroom. The volunteer taking care of her was a gentleman so he was at his wits end... as soon as he saw me he grabbed me and asked me to take the lady into the bathroom... As i was lacking in any proper care training I had a terrible time even pushing the wheelchair beyond the door... after wheeling the chair in, the lady, the volunteer and the receptionists outside the door all insist i stay in the bathroom with the lady, looking over her going to the toilet...
then quote no. 6 just jumped into my head and I felt rather sorry for the old lady who had to have me looking over her going to toilet. sometimes old age reali means u not only lose ur privacy, but ur pride and respect as well... As one declines in the aging process, its just a continuous lowering of ur living standard till all u care is to stay alive.
as i wheel her out because i was too distressed about handling the wheelchair... I din even remember to let her wash her hands. Pathetic, reali pathetic.. just because she is old she has to be so poorly cared by someone irresponsible like me..
Saitou-sama was right... few have the strength to fight for pride and respect although we all love to say we can fight for it... if reali sooner or later we r going to lose it all.. wats the point now valuing pride and other people's respect so much, even to the point of getting depressed over the lack of it?

Back

Ah, its a pleasant feeling to be back.
but to be honest i dun seem to have anything interesting to say about my trip... it is also my home and i dun go sightseeing or get excited about anything i see.
bought quite a number of jap series, as well as "yi dao", the story of this korean doctor...
so if anyone wants to borrow any please ask me.

Going...

Dear all
i am hiding the comments sections on my blog for the timebeing.... (sif lots of u comment anyway...lol)
when i am back in china i hope i don't have to worry about the state of this blog and wat ppl say on it which may offend others...
surely will allow them to reappear once i am back.
any grievances feel free to email me.
Otherwise an early Merry Christmas to everyone!
God bless!

Ulysses

Saw bits of Ulysses by Lord Tennyson from The Dante Club...
reali loved it... found the whole poem:

Ulysses
It little profits that an idle king,
By this still hearth, among these barren crags,
Matched with and aged wife, I mete and dole
Unequal laws unto a savage race,
That hoard, and sleep, and feed, and know not me.
I cannot rest from travel: I will drink
Life to the lees: all times I have enjoyed
Greatly, have suffered greatly, both with those
That loved me, and alone; on shore, and when
Through scudding drifts the rainy Hyades
Vexed the dim sea: I am become a name;
For always roaming with a hungry heart
Much have I seen and known; cities of men
And manners, climates, councils, governments,
Myself not least, but honoured of them all;
And drunk delight of battle with my peers,
Far on the ringing plains of windy Troy.
I am a part of all that I have met;
Yet all experience is an arch wherethrough
Gleams that untravelled world, whose margin fades
For ever and for ever when I move.
How dull it is to pause, to make an end,
To rust unburnished, not to shine in use!
As though to breathe were life. Life piled on life
Were all too little, and of one to me
Little remains: but every hour is saved
From that eternal silence, something more,
A bringer of new things; and vile it were
For some three suns to store and hoard myself,
And this grey spirit yearning in desire
To follow knowledge like a sinking star,
Beyond the utmost bound of human thought.

This is my son, mine own Telemachus,
To whom I leave the sceptre and the isle -
Well-loved of me, discerning to fulfil
This labour, by slow prudence to make mild
A rugged people, and through soft degrees
Subdue them to the useful and the good.
Most blameless is he, centred in the sphere
Of common duties, decent not to fail
In offices of tenderness, and pay
Meet adoration to my household gods,
When I am gone. He works his work, I mine.

There lies the port; the vessel puffs her sail:
There gloom the dark broad seas. My mariners,
Souls that have toiled, and wrought, and thought with me -
That ever with a frolic welcome took
The thunder and the sunshine, and opposed
Free hearts, free foreheads -you and I are old;
Old age hath yet his honour and his toil;
Death closes all: but something ere the end,

Some work of noble note, may yet be done,
Not unbecoming men that strove with Gods.
The lights begin to twinkle from the rocks:
The long day wanes: the slow moon climbs: the deep
Moans round with many voices. Come, my friends,
'Tis not too late to seek a newer world.
Push off, and sitting well in order smite
The sounding furrows; for my purpose holds
To sail beyond the sunset, and the baths
Of all the western stars, until I die.
It may be that the gulfs will wash us down:
It may be we shall touch the Happy Isles,
And see the great Achilles, whom we knew.
Though much is taken, much abides; and though
We are not now that strength which in old days
Moved earth and heaven; that which we are, we are;
One equal temper of heroic hearts,
Made weak by time and fate, but strong in will
To strive, to seek, to find, and not to yield.

"that which we are, we are:
one equal temper of heroic hearts,
made weak by time and fate, but strong in will
to strive, to seek, to find, and not to yield"
absolutely beautiful!

Tea jellies

was looking around at shops in box hill yesterday, and bought a packet of tea jellies....
Sooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo....................... nice...
one is oolong tea and one is green tea... with a sweet plum inside the jelly...
never before had any nibbling food so nice...
and the packaging is reali reali beautiful too... remind me of cherry blossoms...
now seriously can't have enough of them...

green

ha... finally some time to breath...
sense of accomplishment is just...good....
and managed to move my xanga chinese blog all the way to msn spaces now...
and just want to say i fell in love with green in the past few weeks.. normally i would go for black or grey or blue or watever..
but no... this time it is green, and reali green.
even made my qq skin green as well.
if interested please visit: http://spaces.msn.com/members/Halconnen
and thanx to all my wonderful concerning friends...
I am much better now... and yes I do eat full meals 3 meals a day.
even chao said I eat more than him for breakfast. ^0^

A morning ED episode

wasn't feeling too well last nite, and slept poorly thruout the nite.. this morning woke up feeling slightly better and thought i better go into research again... didn't realise what will happen.
when i was on the tram just felt very nauseous and dizzy.. collapsed on the tram floor, ppl was all gathering over... then in my half conscious state realised that i am at my stop... jumped up from the floor and got off the tram, only to collapse for a second time... this time reali greyed out for a while...
when i woke up again i saw heaps of ppl crowding over me... and then I saw fei fei kneeling beside me.. and i was like.. this must be a dream... then i realised it wasn't... as i become oriented again.. someone called an ambulance( which is just from RMH around the corner so very convenient) then as we were waiting for ambulance this surgeon who goes to work in rmh saw me and started to ask me some questions, after 1 minute of questioning he said i sound fine and went to work.
when ambulance came from just around the corner, 2 ladies came around to check my bp... found it was low as usual... but they said i looked fine and ambulance drove back while they walked me to the emergency department. feifei was helping me with my bags and everyone else who kindly stayed with me went to uni..
had a thorough neuro exam plus lots of bp plus an ecg performed for me in ED... found that i had nothing... so i was discharged. then came straight to radiology department to meet supervisor.. feeling quite ok now.
not anything bad or disastrous... quite interesting actually.
Fainting and then lying on the ground with rmh on ur left hand side and the melb uni med building on ur right hand side do attract lots of attention... and do ensure i receive the best immediately care. (someone i thought was even attempting first aid on me... only to discover that i was actually breathing)
and with rmh just one minute from u u noe watever u have, there is nothing to worry about.

some reflections

autumn seems a good season for reflection... as you can tell its spring now and not autumn, but i sometimes almost feel that deep down i still operate according to a chinese calendar with chinese seasons...
finished my intensive trip to slamdunk land... still one more scene to write for my story yet i know its already ok for me to pull out of it, i no longer need my full concentration within the story itself to conjure up something. so yes after a not at all unwelcoming holiday I am happy to announce that I am back to the real world and enjoying real frnds' company.
Was inspired by angel several weeks ago when she was reading portrait of a lady, that i decided to dig up my own washington square, which i read several pages in yr 8 and then decided to give up out of pure boredom. really not bad at all, from the lines u can just really see human cruelty expressed in the subtlest ways...
Was considering buying Daniel Deronda for quite a while after watching the bbc series. among the female victorian writers i find George Eliot's perspective of life most profound and realistic. Gaskell has lots of wisdom and known of human joys, yet is much better at creating feel good comedies than expressing the inner parts of human thoughts. for the Bronte sisters i always have a strong dislike for their novels really lack the basic elements of a convincing story, rather insensitive and conceptual, and always in the end attempt to paste a seemingly happy ending of true love found, which is reali unconvincing and pathetic.
this morning went on a little search for some websites i used to frequent in high school... not websites for anyone's taste reali for me in my high school days was really into the culture of yaoiness.
just want to see what becomes of those sites, what is left there in the memory, and also reflect on how far i have walked from there since then, what i was lacking then which made me really into them the first place, and what I have found since that helped me to get rid of the habit completely.

saw sumthing 2day

saw a new stall in box hill today after returning from anatomy. chinese ppl again, selling little ornaments and pendants etc...
there are sum famous chinese knots (i am sure some of u noe wat i mean, those red thingy ppl usually hang in their cars)
there is one knot with a crucification hanging from it... and the price tag is labelled, same as the rest of them: fengshui. $3.00
good, maybe the fengshui masters can now use crosses as a new power gadget.
its quite sad to see the cross being misused in such ways.

on a side note, i saw rev huang 2day at box hill as well. When he saw me i was just walking out of a lollie shop... holding 4 chupa-chups in my hand... with a very big, very contented and very retarded grin on my face...
Kind of embarrassing... he must be wondering about my age...
the chupa chups weren't even for myself... why was i smiling like that?
*sigh*

Lumbar puncture

yesterday had a dream that someone performed a lumbar puncture on me...
very scary... cos the sensation was so vivid... feeling like something is being pulled out of my spine... not exactly painful... but i still have phantom memory of the pressure that was on my spine from the dream.
haven't looked at much medical related stuff these days... and no reason that out of all things i would remember lumbar puncture.
whats happening?
still giving me chills up my spine...

北宋的士大夫

很喜歡北宋的幾位名臣﹐倒不是他們有多麼才華橫溢﹐以文治天下。
而是他們很有人情味。
不僅流傳下很多他們幼年的經歷傳為佳話（如司馬光砸缸─這位先生後來可是權傾一時的名臣﹐再後來編寫了留芳百世的資治通鑒）幾位大人的愛情詩詞也是流傳至今的佳作。小時候吃鹹菜薄粥的範仲淹範大人還有一首幽默至極的牢騷詩。
絕對不是死板﹐與生活脫節的道學先生們。

下面貼一首王安石的詞﹐很喜歡:

千秋歲引
別館寒砧，孤城畫角，一派秋聲入寥廓。
東歸燕從海上去，南來雁向沙頭落。
楚台風，庚樓月，宛如昨。
無奈被些名利縛！無奈被他情耽擱！
可惜風流總閑卻！
當初謾留華表語，而今誤我秦樓約。
夢闌時，酒醒后，思量著。

我們年少無憂時

The many of us spent 10 hrs at wan's house yesterday...
a casual but very very fun 21st..
the guys loaded their cardboard body kit on wan's family wagon. and then all of us decorated the bonnet into a colourful piece of artwork.. filled with messages and photos.
Then wan drove andrew, wei, brian, and ken on a ride in his cardboard car.. with a luggage named jeremy loaded at the back.
The boys were waving to all the passing cars and bicycles and ppl standing around... and did gd for the traffic for making most cars slowing down in shock... LOL
And wan's mum cooked more for us... Steph made pink fairy floss for all of us with her fairy floss machine.
Wan made a very touching speech in front of his bday cake, then around midnite, each one of the law ppl went d&m and made a speech for wan as well...
當我們老去﹐我們依舊會記得這曾經的一天﹐記得我們年少無憂時。

Remembering Marie A.

Haven't blogged for a while, but finally found some time today. Friday morning is pretty much my full-on not working only playing around day. (other days not much work done either... just not so full-on having fun)
Being quite busy this week... due to some unpleasant problems. But i guess when one aspect of things goes too disastrous u naturally go into a self-protective mode and tune out majorly on that part and won't think much about it. It isn't a bad thing to do when u seriously don't have a solution to the problem.
Writing is really good medicine. when i sit in front of my story my brain can almost shun away everything else and just concentrate on that. Wish I can do that with my actual uni work...
so yes added another approx 10000 words to it.. now the count is 82000 something... i hav a feeling it will reach 100000...
i guess it reali helps me to make the decision that i won't abandon writing in my life in the future...
how did it start?
to be honest i think it really started from this blog... for once i realised that the many thoughts in my brain actually sound interesting if i put them down.. and ppl actually want to read it... and that i hardly ever lose enthusiasm on it... one of the very very few things in life that i can actually perservere...
so yes finally sent the 1st 5 chapters to a website, posted the 1st chapter on a discussion forum... if interested u can check my chinese blog sometime soon... mite post it there as well...
very silly slamdunk story.. but i love it... i think its reali cool.
but i know my skill is quite poor..... so for quality reading, i will recommend a masterpiece I read this week. So touched in the end... growing up can be this beautiful.
its also a slamdunk fanfic.. but you can just read it as a growing up story.
titled Marie Marie
can read it here:
http://post.baidu.com/f?kz=26290281
or here:
http://www.52sd.com/dispbbs.asp?boardID=49&ID=2686&page=1

because of the story, i went online and searched madly for Bertolt Brecht's poems... then can't find it... and then the next day went up all the way to Baillieu second floor's dusty shelfs to get the poetry collection from 1976...
and there it is, the beautiful poem:

Remembering Marie A.

It was a day in that blue month September
Silent beneath a plum tree's slender shade
I held her there, my love so pale and silent
As if she were a dream that must not fade.
Above us in the shining summer heaven
There was a cloud my eyes dwelt long upon
It was quite white and very high above us
Then I looked up, and found that it had gone.

And since that day so many moons, in silence
Have swum across the sky and gone below.
The plum trees surely have been chopped for firewood
And if you ask, how does that love seem now?
I must admit: I really can't remember
And yet I know what you are trying to say.
But what her face was like I know no longer
I only know: I kissed it on that day.

As for the kiss, I'd long ago forgot it
But for the cloud that floated in the sky
I know that still, and shall for ever know it
It was quite white and moved in very high.
It may be that the plum trees still are blooming
That woman's seventh child may now be there
And yet that cloud had only bloomed for minutes
When i looked up, it vanished on the air.

From My Utmost for His Highest

Yes one of my rare moments of overwhelming enthusiasm to blog...
not realli, just that have long wanted to post up some bits of My Utmost For His Highest.
Still some pages r so deep and profound that when i read it i get reali lost, but i won't give up trying. and wat i can already understand i post up and share.

The Conditions of Discipleship
If the closest relationship of life clash with the claims of Jesus Christ,He says it must be instant obedience to Himself. Discipleship means personal, passionate devotion to a Person, our Lord Jesus Christ. There is a difference between devotion to a Person and devotion to principles or to a cause. Our Lord never proclaimed a cause;He proclaimed personal devotion to Himself. To be a disciple is to be a devoted love-slave of the Lord Jesus. Many of us who call ourselves Christians are not devoted to Jesus Christ. No man on earth has this passionate love to the Lord Jesus unless the Holy Ghost has imparted it to him.We may admire Him, we may respect Him and reverence Him, but we cannot love Him. The only Lover of the Lord Jesus is the Holy Ghost, and He sheds abroad the very love of God in our hearts. Whenever the Holy Ghost sees a chance of glorifying Just, He will take your heart, your nerves, your whole personality, and simply make you blaze and glow with devotion to Jesus Christ.
The Christian life is stamped by "moral spontaneous originality",consequently the disciple is open to the same charge that Jesus Christ was, viz.,that of inconsistency.But Jesus Christ was always consistent to God, and the Christian must be consistent to the life of the Son of God in him, not consistent to hard and fast creeds. Men pour themselves in to creeds, and God has to blast them out of their prejudices before they can become devoted to Jesus Christ.

21st and weddings

perhaps i do hav an obsession with weddings...
seems now every 21st i go or get invited to i tend to associate it with a wedding...
got an invitation to something in Golden Pebble.. the reason why i said something is that also i am sure it is a 21st, i keep on thinking that its actually a wedding... yes Golden Pebble(i am sure some of u remember golden pebble... someone at church last yr had wedding dinner there) LOL
and yesterday went to brian's 21st... the chandeliers and finger food and drinks remind me again of a wedding... especially since kat was wearing a sari... *sweat*
I must be hallucinating... really hallucinating...
just like how sally can dream about yi qiu getting married... (hahahahaha)
but to be serious when would most if not all ur frnds feel obliged to gather together for you apart from a 21st, wedding, or a funeral?
so after a 21st... ppl either gather for ur wedding... or ur funeral.
assuming most of us wil get married.. still that would be the last time U SEE most of ur frnds gather for u.
depressing thoughts yeh?
i remember wat chris wrote on my 21st card: u think ur life is going to reach higher peaks? think again! its all downhill from now onwards...
(now ppl already 21 are all nodding in agreement.. and those not yet 21 r prob staring at me in horror... all freaked out. )

Just kidding.............. ^0^ LOL

In memory: Buzzer Beater

Buzzer beater is made into an anime! *lets open a champagne bottle to celebrate*
The first time i read Buzzer Beater I was fourteen.
i was really touched by the story... so simple, so random but so real... the choice Hideoyoshi made in the very end.
when i was 14 15, almost laughable, but most manga i read made an impact on my life, made me laugh or cry,made me into what kind of person i would become.
now nothing seems to be able to make such an impact...
but i was glad for it... reali glad for those priceless brain food i had. ^0^
Just want to celebrate a manga now coming to a much wider audience!!!!
anyone interested abt yn's anime craze can find buzzer beater online here.
http://www.itplanning.co.jp/bbch.html

post forum, story, My Utmost for His Highest

well... in rmh atm...
something interesting happened recently is that i am now one of the masters in a chinese posting forum...
on Slamdunk... (everyone: sif anything else!)
wat we do? posting up comments and stories and pictures of our fav characters... then everyone else drool all over it...LOL
mainly bc i am now almost 9-5 on the net... and the mac i use has safari not IE and therefore no msn... (unlike hc, dora, and etc etc who r always online....lol)
trying to study some anatomy... hopefully i can... lol
still prizing my fav "manga book".
my story is going well. although i hav the fear that it may go longer and longer and i wil hav to cut stuff down... perhaps i will post up a chapter or sth on my chinese blog sumday... just so u guys won't think i am just making it up and reading hentai instead..... wahahahahahaha...
writing a long story it really feels like....... bringing up a child...lots of effort and stress... but the joy of seeing it grow is mammoth...
and reading My Utmost for His Highest by oswald chambers again. First time i read it is in first year... just knew its a good spiritual book.. but at the time... din reali understand most of the stuff...
but now reading again... found so many inspiring words...
maybe wait til i get home and post up some inspiring paragraphs! *grin*
(tiff........ have u read the copy i gave to u yet? *sniff*)
^0^ have a great day!

Manga

My friends....
drew me a book of manga as a 21st bday present....
i am really really shocked and touched....
You guys r so awesome......
spent soooooooooooooooo much time and effort on it... especially irene-san... *sob*
and ken and andrew can even draw reali nice slamdunk pictures... wow.. never knew before.
*yn still in shocked and excited haze*

and yeh... started reading Bleach last friday... using fast rmh computers.
good manga r so few while the bad ones r everywhere. always feeling reluctant to read any new mangas(especially long popular ones in fear of being disappointed) since i am always in such attitude: this one is popular? r u sure its good? i better it is no match for Slamdunk or Rurouni Kenshin... i will just go back to those to get my enjoyment and not waste time on the new ones...
so yeh read a few new mangas last month or so... none too interesting... discontinued after mostly one volume i would say for the vast majority...
but Bleach is not bad... although absolutely no match for slamdunk or rurouni kenshin... but at least i didn't give it up without a second glance. much like a tough version of fruit basket,and rips off the shinsengumi culture as well...
But its reali not bad.
Anything for me to want to continue reading is not bad.

Before 21

The other day i realised that a big burden on my heart is gone, gone without me noticing... and suddenly realised that although i thought myself to be obsessive,我居然是個拿得起放得下的人呢﹗start to have sum good impression of myself now...LOL
the nite before i turned 20 i was lamenting my past youth... and dreading the ever faster aging process..
much more calm about 21 now... wisdom do increase with age as they say.
so would love to use this opportunity to look at my life, and count my blessings:
I know of the wonderful creator. He loves me despite all my doubts, grumbles, and negligence. My thoughts may change, my attitude may change, my personality may change, i may doubt i may get angry... but i won't leave this place just cos He is the Rock of eternity and i am certain of that.
I had scare of leukemia, i had scare of breast cancer.. but i am still well and sound, except for a little low bp problem... I will live and not waste away this gift of good health.
being a great passive misanthropist... i am still astonished at the blessing of so many friends i have around me... who gave me great company, great fun and laughter, and gave me insight into ur lives, and most importantly, that whatever direction i fall, i know there wil be pairs of hands to support me.
I have a pen that can draw, may be far from enuf of earning me a living... but i am still able to draw cartoon pics of friends, to see smiles upon their faces.
I have a pen that can write, prob not enuf to live on,but enuf for me to put down my imagination in logical readeable order... and i can finish 50000 words in one month...then post it for a post forum of ppl to read, to be inspired... for misrepresented ideas to be portray in an accurate true light, for His truth to be told to people in a way most acceptable to them.
everytime i count my blessings i am always struck with the doubt that if i value my blessings, does it mean when they r taken away i wil be upset?
I probably will... if my health, my friends, my ability to read and write and draw are gone... i probably would find it really really hard to accept with a good grace and be thankful to God...
but i will not be afraid of my own weaknesses, i trust in the days ahead, He will teach me and equip me more for His work, whether by trials or by blessings.

我依然會遲疑﹐依然會焦慮﹐依然會發火﹐但是我會一直走過去。

怨念

Went to donate blood 2day.... and got chucked out by ppl.... cos i hav hepatitis................................wahahahahahahahaha.....
Just that my blood pressure is shockingly low... diastolic only 47.... and they r scared that i would faint after they stab me...
2moro the booking is all full... next wk prob can't... sigh..........
and i binge ate and drank over the wkend just for this.............. *rolling on the floor sobbing*
grumble grumble grumble...
and should check my blood pressure more often....
怨念z

Drowning in formaldehyde

i never consider cadavers as something unpleasant.... and my appetite for dinner usually increase after dissection...
not today...
dissected with angel today and had a body with an extremely bad odour.................. why it smelt so bad i had no idea, prob cos it has so much fat... *sigh*
and the worst thing is that my hayfever season, instead of spring, is annually in august... and i think for the past 2 wks i actually learnt to be sensitive to formaldehyde to sum degree...
so yeh standing with my face less than 10cm away from the cadaver.. my eyes were sore, my head is heavy.. and i felt the urge to go on a sneezing bout every 2 or 3 minutes... not pleasant..... seriously not pleasant...
fortunately has tutoring so left early... no more drowning in formaldehyde...

pathetic ads ppl

i think my blog is turning into a pathetic ads space............
if this happens again i will consider shutting it down and use sth else.

Misplaced Trust

read the RBC column first thing in the morning.... so true!!!
whenever i try hard at something, i feel that i would become increasingly dependent on the outcome of it... and i think it is dangerous, therefore i don't try at all...
wats the distinguishing line btw dependent and non-dependent? does complaining one sentence mean u r dependent? does saying its nothing while suppressing a fume inside meaning u r dependent?
Like wat we always say its the heart condition.. but do we reali understand wat we think and feel all the time? subconsciously u may already be dependent even when u feel otherwise.
i must confess i am far from the stage i can say that i depend on God and not my own thoughts, my own effort and people around me... no matter how many pretty words i can say... how much i can console other ppl about relying on Him..

Been Thinking About: Misplaced Trust

If God is good, but good isn’t God, how do we avoid making some of our worst mistakes with the best things in life?

In an effort to clarify the problem of misplaced trust, what if we said to our hearts: Love God, but don’t depend on your love for Him. Seek to know Him, but don’t rely on your own understanding. Make it your purpose to serve Him, but don’t ever imagine that He’s indebted to your service. Make it your objective to please Him, but don’t depend on your own efforts to do so.

Listen to your conscience, but don’t depend on your own ability to discern right from wrong. Plan your way, but don’t presume to know what’s ahead.

Seek good relationships, but don’t depend on good relationships. Try to find the company of wise people, but don’t stake your life on their counsel. Know the Word of God, but don’t make a god of your knowledge. Surround yourself with good teachers, but don’t idolize them. Feel sorrow for your sin, but don’t count on your sorrow to assure rightness with God.

Count your money and manage it well, but don’t suppose that any amount of money can secure safety or satisfaction. Establish budgets to discipline your use of resources, but don’t depend on your budgets. Work hard, but don’t depend on your work.

Sacrifice for the sake of others, but don’t depend on your sacrifice. Be generous, but don’t depend on your generosity. Seek to be self-disciplined, but don’t rely on your own self-discipline. Seek at all costs to be good, but don’t rely on your own goodness or godliness.

Be clever, but don’t depend on your cleverness. Seek to be wise, but don’t trust your wisdom. Try to understand yourself and others, but don’t lean on your own communication skills.

Be kind, but don’t rely on your kindness. Love others, but don’t be proud of your own love. Give gifts to others, but don’t depend on your gifts to accomplish the intent for which you gave them. Work hard to be a peacemaker, but don’t make peace into a god. Be faithful to others, but don’t rely on your own faithfulness.

Seek to be successful, but don’t bank on your own accomplishments. Try to be efficient, but don’t rely on your own efficiency. Be careful, but don’t depend on your own carefulness. Work to make good decisions, but don’t depend on your own decisions. Develop a strategy, but don’t count on your strategies. Set goals, but don’t depend on your goals. Define clear and measurable objectives, but don’t count on your objectives.

Pray, but don’t make an idol out of your prayers. Make worship a priority, but don’t depend on your worship. Know your spiritual gifts, but don’t pin your faith on them.

Entrust yourself to others, but don’t depend on others. Follow good leaders, but don’t depend on good leaders. Surround yourself with good advisors, but don’t rely on your advisors. Read good books, but don’t depend on books. Value friendships, but don’t depend on your friends. Be careful about your appearance, but don’t rely on good looks. Try to stay healthy, but don’t depend on your own efforts to be healthy. Enjoy rest, but don’t live for your weekends. Exercise your body, but don’t trust your exercise to assure well-being and health. Try to live a long life, but don’t count on a long life.

Enjoy good times, but don’t depend on good times. Be thankful for today’s provisions, but don’t lean on these provisions for tomorrow.

Value a good education, but don’t worship education. Learn from your mistakes, but don’t depend on what you’ve learned. Use technology, but don’t depend on technology. Invest your money wisely, but don’t count on your investments.

Try to think clearly, but don’t depend on your own thoughts. Try to reason logically, but don’t be conceited about your own thoughtfulness. Value your accomplishments, but don’t become puffed up over them.

Honor your parents, but don’t live for your parents’ approval. Love your children, but don’t make gods of them. Enjoy your grandchildren. Pray for them. Give them your love and example. But don’t tie your hopes and dreams to their choices.

Father, help us to hear You when You urge the wise not to trust in their wisdom, nor the strong to depend on their strength. Help us to hear You when You invite us to rely on this and this alone—that we know You, the everlasting God (Jeremiah 9:23-24). Teach us, Father, to trust what You have done for us through the undeserved provisions of Your Spirit, Your Son, and Your grace.

And help us to hear your servant when he lovingly writes, “The Son of God has come and has given us an understanding, that we may know Him who is true; and we are in Him who is true, in His Son Jesus Christ. This is the true God and eternal life. Little children, keep yourselves from idols” (1 John 5:20-21).

Ume.... and lamenting an aging cat

was walking back from library today and saw on the side of the road... a ume(aka plum blossom)tree blossomed.... was staring at it for a while almost transfixed...
its rare to see such a sight in australia... still remember the years i had in China when ppl are all obsessed and overboard with the "personified" quality of ume... of being unique, battling the adverse surroundings and offering beautiful flowers to ppl in cold winter days, that ume almost became a tool of lecture and propaganda and most of us i believe were turned off from ume since young...
when we write abt our fav flower we would never say ume...thinking its just so uncool...
but today when i am standing in front of that solitary tree.... see some budding... some blossoming... I just realised... how heavenly beautiful is ume... in the clean wintry air... just beyond words to describe!
walking along closer to home... i realised that was a fluffy ball stationary on a neighbour's fence... and realised its the abandoned old black cat well known in our neighbouhood.. now reali old... fur all puffed up, just lying there still not even bothering to move at the sound of footsteps...
remembering myself in yr 10 very obsessed with slamdunk... and doing my utmost to impersonate Rukawa...(who in one scene beckons a black cat) it was with such delight that i met face to face with that black cat one day... and practised my beckoning gesture on him... and for many days afterwards, not realising that the cat was abandoned by the owner thats why it was looming around in the streets.
5 yrs ago the cat was still young... just abandoned... still energetic, seeking love and attention....
5 yrs later he hardly cares. His eyes are cold and apathetic, with no self-pity nor sadness.

Get Happy--Dorothy the Dinosaur

Yesterday was making my way to home and just walking pass the big Dorothy the Dinosaur in Box Hill Centro... Suddenly realised how cute and adorable it it... that it brought a big smile upon my face...
its reali true that when we were small, we get happy by simple joys of seeing a big dinosaur, picking up some colourful flowers, eating a piece of dumpling... etc etc.. and as we become older and older... these things start to lose their appeals to us more and more... until we become so apathetic and their existences become to insignificant for us to notice or appreciate.
Life is full of troubles and trials... but that does not mean we should lose the ability to be happy, to appreciate the little beauties of life.
Yesterday 8 of us had a Christian gathering at Andrew's house... before i leave was reading the Bible... came upon 1 Corithians 15 from a new light:
15The spiritual man makes judgments about all things, but he himself is not subject to any man's judgment:
Just reali encouraged me that I am going to a gathering for God... and my parents, or anyone not believing can misunderstand if they want to... but I do not have to be subject to their judgements... cos the mystery of God's wonders they haven't experienced yet.
sense of freedom can sometimes come just so simply...

1939

Today did very little..... 4 out of the 5 fellow amsers left by 11:30am....but heard something from an IT technician thats reali interesting.....
he told me this radiologist would come in the technician office every tuesday afternoon for a few hrs to read films and write notes and comments.... then he asked me to guess what year did the radiologist graduate from uni of melb med school....
i couldn't know........ so he told me: 1939...... (not the yr he's born.... but the year he graduated.) And he said the guy comes in cos he doesn't want his brain to go rusty......
a 90sumthing old man coming to hospital EVERY tuesday afternoon to read films for the department..................................while a normal person may just vegetate out at home to enjoy the few yrs thats left of his/her old bones......
More inspiration for me to utilise my lazy youthful bones.......

925

From 2moro onwards i will be stepping into a happy 9to5 working person's lifestyle..... although when clinical reali comes.... the hrs may go more irregular... but definitely not shorter.... so yeh..... full-on working person from now on minus the financial rewards.
ppl always seem to marvel at a med student's idleness because of the unnecessarily long 6 yr course...... not realising that we actually farewell the idyllic uni lifestyle probably one of the earliest..
didn't reali realise this until friday when i went to see my supervisor then strolled casually to union house computer lab to read scanned mangas on the net..... that this is prob the last time i can be so relaxed and with so much freedom at hand...
oh well i guess a bit of discipline and routine can reali do my lazy bones much good.

hot chocolate on cold winter days

i prefer coffee so much more than chocolates.. except...
Yesterday went shopping with mum... and found something reali nice with delight! a set of suckao cups!!! exactly like wat u get in max brenner... the candle, the steel cup, the egg shaped cup warmer... and the very unique metal straw! i was so happy when i found it... spent an afternoon admiring them...
so got myself some choc chips.. and a cup of milk.... lit the candle... and there i was.. sitting freezing in my unheated room... yet warmed and amuzed drinking suckao at home.

a bit about me, and friends

i think i sometimes tend to depersonalise my blog posts... very little day to day experiences... little opinions about things... just writing to amuse an audience almost...
well... still working on the story atm... but since the high from the macdemia latte had today at Gloria Jeans hasn't worn off... decide to mite as well post something in English.
Met up with Carrie 2day... after half a yr not seeing each other almost... did nothing except sitting around and talk... FELT SO GOOD! almost as if back to the good old girl-school days... cracking stupid girl school jokes...refer to ppl in nicknames only we know... laughing and getting annoyed abt sad non-descript guys who had been annoying... almost felt like i am young and energetic again for some reason... by swapping silly trivial complaints as jokes almost...
has also been able to tell her about some of the grievances haven't reali shared with ppl.. seems so natural that she is told abt them... not so much as in she is the only person i felt comfortable to tell... or after thinking abt it so many time now at that moment it bursted out... just a very natural thing for me to say, for her to listen...
discussed a bit about church issues... seems that both of us will need to pray more about them and wait for God's work.
i just feel that the tight screw i put on myself since start of this year in order of self-control has finally unwinded a bit... able to express my emotions and thoughts comfortably without worry of causing any distress by anger or sadness going disproportionate.
just also made me think how much i relied on the group of "US" for support during my weakest days... how much they made me happy... how much word they said that made me so touched that i had to choke back tears... how secure and content and grateful i feel everyday in their presence, almost like my family to me.
very different feel... like one supports and one unwinds.. but without either i won't do...
after all the hardest bits had been through in this one... knowing there r always friends i can fall back on, its about time i can allow myself to slowly unwind and not be so tense about controlling myself.
And worse things may befall in the future... i guess i am always going towards being a bit more brave, a bit more firm, have a bit more strength, and of course a bit more faithful to God.

(got the idea of saying what i reali feel rather than thinking wats the point telling ppl...... a bit influenced after a conversation i had last nite.... a usually happy person admitting that he is not happy about things... kind of a triggering factor...
決定今後不要畏頭縮腦﹐不喜歡就是不喜歡。)

1st day, and a song

1st day of AMS... doesn't even feel like it apart from the ppl who are not here anymore. The 8 of us got chopped down to 4.... only the guys' gang formation and their carefree laughters made us feel that nothing much has changed.
last week added 10000 words or so to my story... sounds alot but 2000 words a day reali isn't much... hope i can reali resolve to continue and finish it for posting sometime.
b4 already wanted to separate a blog into chinese and english... but 2day prob going to break the rule... and post the lyrics of a song i reali like... 品冠's 門沒鎖. lyric actually quite normal love song stuff... yet the music has an unusally cheery, bright,even nonchalant tone... as if saying:
no need to make everythiing larger than life, 人生來來往往﹐有愛有恨﹐不過一首歌而已。
~門沒鎖~
品冠

扭開電視第二播
畫面一幅幅過
左耳跟著右耳閃躲
留眼睛獨自寂寞
門沒鎖進來坐
電話怎么沒響過

我削了一個苹果
只放著沒咬過
明明感覺你來吻我
卻怎么沒發生過
門沒鎖進來坐
連螞蟻也不放過

天都黑了你都沒來過沒來坐
戲都完了眼都沒眨過沒哭過
完美的劇情錯過
傷心戲份太多
太脆弱
連哼一聲都傷我

天都黑了誰都沒來過沒來坐
衣都挑了鞋都沒臟過沒走過
想要的戲也買錯
愛的人不愛我
太難過
我還能浪費多少個結果

in momentum

Today at donny pp didn't feel like anything cold.... so ordered a latte..... very strong one... and since haven't been drinking much coffee at home, the stimulant really gave me a high, which lasted till now...
farewelled alison before her trip to pommy land... the guys sang a reali sad and sweet song for her... i almost wanted them to stop singing cos it was reali making everyone sentimental and alison crying more...
got home and still on high... decided to decorate some 'romantic' fotos with my trial ulead photoimpact program which is expiring in 27 days...
spent one hr on 2 fotos. hope they r entertaining enuf. i certainly had fun.
and yeh good news that my story is back in momentum... has been delaying it so much this hols...... by pure laziness.. but once i started again... the joy of it is so great!!!

朦朧記: on my sherlockian world...

very early 2day morning, after alena's bday party, mummy Tiff drove us 6 kids home...^0^ As we were driving along Flinder St, fog slowly encroached upon us..... slowly slowly the clear nite air turned white... very difficult for Tiff to drive..... (gd job tiff....^^) yet it is so beautiful! The night lights shine a gentle warm glow... illuminating the translucence... for a while i felt we were somewhere in the gas-lit night air of Sherlockian London...
Very wonderful experience indeed...
Sally visited my place yesterday, after her dentist appointment..... we watched some anime, talked and had some yum cha stuff for lunch. She was wearing her Sherlockian coat!!!! so nice............. Took a foto of her..... looking very Sherlock.... *yn drools*
(Dave waving a murderous knife at me already......)
Just kidding!^0^

Inspiring verses from Leviticus

Some verses in Leviticus are so comforting and inspiring!!! Quite true that we shouldn't neglect any particular book while we do Bible reading.
Leviticus 25: 20-22 You may ask, "What will we eat in the seventh year if we do not plant or harvest our crops?" I will send you such a blessing in the sixth year that the land will yield enough for three years. While you plant during the eighth year, you will eat from the old crop and will continue to eat from it until the harvest of the ninth year comes in.
Loving Heavenly Father who plans and prepares so far ahead to make sure we will WANT FOR NOTHING. More faith and less worrying!!! ^0^
The next verse equally brilliant:
Leviticus 25: 23 The land must not be sold permanently, because the land is mine and you are but aliens and my tenants.
How many things in the world we like to go out of our ways to get? and then struggle to keep? Not only materialistic thing but many more... Bear this verse in mind... we can let go of many things more easily and with better grace...

JB! JB! JB!

coming back to my english blog for a while.... after writing so much chinese realised how easy it is to write english, no need to find the correct character..... ^0^
been listening to Kangta recently..... In If You Go the R&B very authentic.... in many ways superior than so many of the chinese singers who attempt at R&B in various albums...
watched a few Holmes episodes... everytime remembering Jeremy Brett who passed away 10 years ago, i usually feel a bit sad watching him as Holmes.. strut about so confidently and charismatically, like a true Holmes reincarnate...
to think such a mild, jolly, soft-spoken actor could play Sherlock Holmes, and so brilliantly.... that even 2o yrs after he made the series.. it has not been forgotten....
Miss a world with JB... and his wonderful sense of humour.
JB quote on Holmes:
And of course such a giant, such a genius, such an isolated, damaged penguin....

In memory of Simon Ng and the thought of heaven

Yesterday wendy showed me Simon Ng's blog. (http://www.xanga.com/home.aspx?user=ToTo247) Although i know of that gruesome story ages ago... to be able to see that fateful blog entry was slightly overwhelming...
What was he thinking in the last hr of his life? i reali wonder...
Was he so oblivious of the impending danger that he kept on rambling abt his jap homework? Or he sensed something majorly wrong, but was trying to self distract and sound ok in order to normalise the situation?
When crisis arises, at least for me... my coping strategy often is to normalise, to seek a route back to the normal ways. Like when i had my cancer scare, i just wish that all is normal, i can still study for my exam despite how unwilling i was, i can still get told off by mum for trivial matters... as long as they r normal...
reading his comment about the cleaned floor... is just sad... really sad... If he knew what will happen next? will he not worry abt the cost, break the window and run for his life?
Not sure if he was a Christian or not, but it is amazing reading the 3 thousand something comments how many of them said "RIP in heaven".... seems it is the only appropriate thing to say and the only thing ppl want to say... (it does sound strange if u say: have a prosperous and happy next life...in Buddhist theory)
it just sounds weird if it turns into a mere good wish... (although i am sure i am fully capable of saying it to comfort people b4 i believed)
in fact i must confess that my idea of heaven has become less and less favourable after i become a Christian... having believed b/c i thought my current life was going out of control... i was never attracted to believe because of heaven...
and i mostly often have this feeling that it is just somewhere i wil end up eventually... if sin does not take over me and send me to eternal fire. i don't remember myself feeling excited about heaven at all... The description in Revelation about New Jerusalem walled in precious stones really does not have much appeal... And since whether married ppl r still married in heaven still sounds debatable in different books... i sometimes tend to have a nightmarish image of heaven in which family cease to be family, friends cease to be friends, and everyone wear white gowns and get numbered off into different places.
This sounds rather horrible so ppl plz rebuke me and so we won't live under strange negative impressions...
i still remember the time i talked to danielle and ariel about heaven one saturday nite..
1st we were talking about PLC old collegian association.. and danielle said to me: being called Old Collegians feels like we are already old ladies having afternoon teas... i don't feel like getting old....
and i, having just recovered from my little cancer scare early in the week, said: oh we can get old and have afternoon tea...... IF we r lucky.
danielle, knowing what i had went thru in that wk, immediately said: thats true, but otherwise we will just have Old Collegian afternoon tea in heaven, even better!
and ariel also added: u know when we r in heaven we can meet Einstein and Newton and stuff and we can ask them all about physics! (she is very enthusiastic abt physics as u can c) can't wait!
Their words almost reduced me to tears... even today whenever i thought about the Old Collegian afternoon tea.. i feel like i want to go to heaven.
i should have more faith in God who provided my life so abundantly. it is absurd that when i have such confidence in His work in my life now, to think that His plan for us in heaven would be poor and grim.

A day of pulling strings 2gether

It is such a good feeling that nowadays i can spend more time on the Bible. Opened the book of NT commentary again, and went straight to Revelation this time... certain parts of it are realli amazing... like the 7 promises with the 7 churches... never noticed it before...
Still remember the days when i first opened a Bible and decided to seriously look at it.....seemed every now and then a verse would jump into my eye and enlighten me. Nowadays i must confess that i just felt it seldom happens... If i read any passage without the aid of study bible or commentary it simply feels like a story... perhaps its due to the fact that last semester i've been mainly focusing on the Old Testament, and passages like skin diseases from Leviticus may not be so related to our lives now... but if there is any part of me going apathetic i do hope to revive a godly passion again. ^^
Has not been so keen about my English blog these days...... probably because i am kind of forcing myself to write in the Chinese blog first... It is bad every time i read books and have so many thoughts in my head and do nothing about them... so decided to at least release them somewhere.
Today was informed by mum, in my rather impoverished state, that i am still in possession of 2 $50 Myer vouchers... And she... suggested me to go shopping.......... (she still doesn't know about the 2 committee meetings this weekend... *sweat*) So i thought why not, since she actually recommended it and i have money to spend...
so yep , spent whole morning in the city... shopping. Found some presents, got myself a pair of espirit pants... and went again to readers' feast to grab Matthew Pearl's Dantes Club... a book i have always wanted since last year. Finally made the decision to buy it.... So happy!

Reading the Bible on toilet

During the trip the most memorable thing i did was to read Bible sitting on toilet cover...
being a poor sleeper as i always am.... on the 3rd day i was already half awake at 7... decided to visit the bathroom... then i realised there was something on the toilet seat. Turned on the light.... i realised it was Glad wrap...... In the half sleeping state i was too tired to take a foto so just took it off and put it in the bin.
Went back to bed, half slept for another 1hr.... prayed silently on bed for another half an hr or so and decided to get dressed, then carrying my bible and tooth brush out so not to wake up anyone else by another trip back.
I pushed open the door to the kitchen......... and saw: Glad wrap...... covering the whole door frame. just outside the door, were couches and sofas arranged vertically to block the way...
Thinking it was just a joke from the guys, i tore open the Glad wrap and pushed the couch slightly away to maked way.... wait! i thought i heard some strange sounds?????
walking out.... i saw that the guys were all sleeping around the kitchen and tv area behind the couches........ not in their usual downstair rooms.......
and they got all woken up, by my intrusion. Like what i would do.......... i retreated...
Guys were sleeping outside, everyone else were sleeping in their bedrooms... not wanting to wake up either parties again...... i put down the toilet cover, and sat on it to read the Bible.
It was actually not totally unwelcoming... sitting among confined spaces allow me to concentrate more..
Meanwhile the guys barricaded the couches again.
Not til an hr later did irene and dora wake up and we together overcame the barricade.
It is just such a fun silly experience i will never forget.

端午遐思: poet and murder

Yesterday... dragon boat festival. I never know wats the correct english translation for it.... so dragon boat will have to do...lol
every time it comes i am reminded of the story behind it.
The most well known version: a poet and politician who was very disillusioned abt the king, worried that his country would be invaded by a kingdom from the west. In order to give protest to the king's nonchalance... He jumped into a river and killed himself. Later days people remember him by having boat race on the river and throwing down rice wrapped in leaves cos they think he mite go hungry living down there in the riverbed.
but i just remembered another theory i read once on newspaper when i was stil a kid, the more i think about it the more sense it makes.
The poet fell in love with the king's most favourite concubine (the allusion of which is not so obscure in a few of his poems) Either an affair ensued or the king just want to make sure it won't happen, but to avoid public exposure, he sent for an assassin.
Then try to imagine the situation, the assassin followed the poet to the riverside. Desperate to escape the poet got on a boat, and the assassin started chasing on a boat as well. (sounds familiar? the dragon boat race) Eventually the assassin caught up with the poet, murdered him, and wrapped his body up, tied up with strings (even more familiar? 粽子) and threw the body into the river. People who witnessed the murder on shore do not dare to expose the king, but left clues of the murder in all the traditions we have today.
History is often unplesant situations idealised.
I didn't post this yesterday in fear of ruining ur appetites for 粽子... my most sincere apology if any discomfort is caused. ^0^

going nuts

early this morning woken up from a really bad nightmare: went to see the doctor and the doctor found lumps everywhere in my body... then she opened up my shoulder and axillary to show me all the layers and show me what went wrong... i woke up with cold sweats, all the fears 3 wks ago came back to me... fortunately went back to sleep... this time dreamed better: lingli having her 21st bday party.... still random but so much more pleasant.
this morning was feeling my axillary.... feels kind of a tiny swelling in one of the central LN... Reactive hyperplasia? psychopathic? i don't know but i am just paranoid.... i am sure the doctor won't feel anything if i go to her... but it doesn't mean its not there.
although i can still function normally and if i don't touch anything nothing much is wrong, but i really feel my body has been going nuts for a while and is seriously not stopping...... >_<

Procrastination(courtesy of kolin...lol)

decided to fast from North and South for a day 2day... perhaps the best i can manage. the music stuck in my head is getting a bit annoying. and i seriously waste time thinking abt it... when i take a nap i really hoped that i could be lying on the country lawn under the gentle sunshine in Helstone... daydream daydream.......
it has been quite amazing especially during the exam period... seems that everytime i waste time too much i get an encouraging email from someone...which gets me motivated again(unfortunately not for long) some of them rather unexpected.... this really is a time that i am receiving so much love from ppl. it seems that only now i realised how many friends i have... *sweat* (sori yn is very retarded)

North and South

i have largely neglected my blog.
down with a bad cold on sunday, physically quite lethargic, or is it really just my excuse for not concentrating on my studying? mum and dad both down with abd discomfort and nausea 2-3 days after lunch at my dad's favourite yum cha restaurant. Funny how my GIT is not so sensitive to this agent of infection, or should i not speak with such confidence as it may still be cooking up something during its incubation period?
watched last episode of north and south on sunday nite, it was such a brilliant series. now absolutely addicted to it... and the theme music... i just couldn't give up humming it all day.^0^ a series well done always can attract its audience.
in fact this victorian english influence has been so strong that i haven't really read or touched much chinese over the last few days. not only do i now think about words to say in an old-school northern industrial accent... i do discover that some of my long neglected english skills has come back to me. Quite amazing indeed.

Parting song

I always really liked the ending theme from Dae Jang Geum:
o na ra o na ra a ju o na
伊人欲來 何時歸來
ka na ra ka na ra a ju ka na
伊人欲去 何時離去
na na ni ta ryo do mou no na ni
我欲乘風飛翔 卻遍尋不著伊人蹤影
a ni ri a ni ri a ni no ne
伊人何在 留我獨自失落
he i ya di i ya he i ya na ra ni no
唉喲 這該如何是好
o ji do mo ta na ta ryo ka ma
伊人你若不歸 請帶我一起離去
he i ya di i ya he i ya na ra ni no
唉喲 這該如何是好
o ji do mo ta na ta ryo ka ma
伊人你若不歸 請帶我一起離去

And someone commented about the song which i think is so true:
歌詞表達出一種意境:
因為人們來過此地,所以不是永遠停留此地;
因為人們離開此地,所以不是永遠離開此地...
正如這齣戲所隱含的主題,放掉人生不必要的執著,謙遜地接受人生真實面:
人生的起起落落,生和死....
Translating for those whose computer not chinese supported:
the song is basically saying:
because ppl come here... thats why they don't stay here forever;
because ppl leave and go away, thats why they don't stay away forever.
(sori......... seems the chinese makes more sense than my translation)

disturbed.....

at irene's request, i am doing another post...*grin*
talked with grandma this morning..... had my dose of Shanghainese anecdotes.
one story concerns a boy mathematician in primary school who wins lots of maths olympiad prizes... one day he was absent from school and the rest of the class asked the teacher: why is he absent 2day?
the teacher told them that the boy's grandpa passed away and he had to attend the funeral.
Then the whole class started clapping in joy
one of the boys said: finally his grandpa(who was a university maths professor) died! now no one can teach him maths anymore and he will become all crap!
Very disturbed kids...

WORRYLESS

in the computer lab b4 pbl...... can't find any robbins and forgot to bring the one i had at home...... so decided to just write a post.
checked my mail and read the deep touching 32kb email by jia jia...... got very very touched, by her thankfulness, her joy and also the wonderful grp of 'US'...... almost in such a pessimistic way... that such happiness, such closeness, such friendship that we all shared are so rare and precious and that it won't last long...
but even though we r going our separate ways.... and things will never be the same again, we still have the memory of the 2.5 yrs of fun and joy, and its a period of time we can look back and never regret yeh?
i still remember sometime last wk, when the grp of us who normally have to be scattered in seating b/c we r too big a grp.... actually managed to find seats that r 2gether in 3 rows...
while seating there... seeing jeremy, kevin and hc harrassing bei on the left..... dora taking foto with her beloved camera in front..,. andrew and ken sharing their sweet joke of 2 behind, and ff munching on her fav pickle and pork bun on my rite... that moment i was just so overwhelmed by a sense of security and happiness....
i love the word "worryless", because none of us can live in this world worryless....
because we can let the joys and laughters, albeit on small things.... take over the imperfection, the disappointments, the anxiety, the worries we had, and the joys went on to infest the rest of US.
i think, even in the years to come, when life will pressurise us more and more...
i will still be able to remember the stupid things we did, and our classic line----
DON'T WORRY.

Crazy Song

Got my blood test result back.... all clear... very joyous...for some reason just felt like spending money, so after getting off tram got heaps of breadtop home to share with mum....... just to discover that she is cooking heaps 2nite.... *sigh* lol
more amazing about yth grp.... just learnt yesterday that the program was changed from a Revelation study to a speaker.... which in my opinion definitely could be more SEEKER-friendly.... ^0^ will keep on praying! ^0^
and last clinical placement.... the very last patient we saw.. has bipolar disorder( aka maniac depression) who refused to see a psychiatrist or a psychologist.
very successful ceo of a company... travelled around the world... even went to shanghai and took the bullet train, and he also went on and on about his house and the apartment he bought...
and when the doctor asked him when can you slow down and take care of urself? He went: the day i die. sori this is just my personality doc.. i can't slow down...
then he went on about how he is actually in control... holding himself 2gether... using buddhist philosophy, which gave him a very holistic healthy mind... while us...... the spectators of the room just felt like we r watching a show..... and the person is so pathetic that he din know how sad he is...
the question still is: what can we do about him?
nothing..... the doctor said.. since we can't convince him, and he is still doing what he is doing, we can only leave him like that.... just give him some anxiolytic.... and have our fingers crossed that he won't go bankrupt or that we won't get any suicide notice.......
how many ppl in this world are like him? motivated, gd in career, successful.. yet so miserable? and more disturbing how many of us are going down this path?
and what can we do about them?
which we prob need to spend a whole life learning about.
God bless and take care everyone.

P.T.L.

When i was downloading manga 2day suddenly got a fone call.... 1st wasn't sure who called... then realised its 1st yr uni gal who's a family friend's daughter... i helped her a bit with umat and study skills during her exam period, haven't contacted her at all after her yr 12 exam... so thought its just so "RANDOM" that she contacted me again...
the reason why she called was just amazing... 1 minute into the fone call she was like: i heard u go to church, can you bring me to church sometime? *though still sounding polite and calm.... yn's heart already underwent binary fission and went flying around the whole room* ^0^
like the term we like to use..... it just sounds so "RANDOM" to me...
then i talked to her mum.... who said her daughter after going to uni starts to get very interested in Christianity.... she mention once about wanting to know more about Christian stuff several wks ago...... and her mum was like: oh yeh she's just saying it.... but then she mentioned to her mum again yesterday, and her mum was like: man she is actually serious! then her mum was like: hey doesn't yi ning go to church all the time? why dun u call her?
*heart still in binary fission mode*
This definitely is not RANDOM... God planned it..... her friends who r Christians may have been praying for her, evangelising her..... but its just so amazing how God can work wonders even through secular interactions btw ppl!
More amazing is that since last wk my mum has been very worried abt my health and decided to ban me from late nite going outs.... last wk didn't go to yth grp.... has been worried for quite a while whether she will be ok with me bringing up going to yth grp again......
but here we r.... the gal wants to come to yth grp, and mum was like: oh yeh bring her this Saturday!
I don't know what to say about His plan.
Praise the Lord.

Feeling: Winter

The weather has finally cooled down..... now at last some feel that deep autumn and early winter is fast approaching.... my favourite season.^0^ love the cool clear air.... the gentle yet distant warmth of the wintry sun...
Yesterday found a new novel by Eileen Chang at the library...... 1st almost thought it was a fake... yet realised with great delight that its actually a story never published b4! The same old laughable yet melancholic feel... definitely her style.
The last 2 wks felt very long..... did hardly anything..... now majorly need to catch up on studying... for those who know about my massive teenage obsession.... well i am a bit hooked onto Slamdunk again.
When i was in my most prostrate anxious state i opened the pages of a Slamudnk manga..... and funny thing..... how i felt most vulnerable yet comforted.. by a comic...
In high school days when i read Slamdunk i am often struck by a sense of guilt as in it may seem laughable how i am so obsessed with cartoons..... but now i could simply say... even Slamdunk, is what God has blessed me with. 1 Corithians 10:31 So whether you eat or drink or whatever you do, do it all for the glory of God.
God has been so merciful... in difficulties and desperation He grew me... The prayer i prayed last Sunday... Lord i am so scared..... i really can't feel your presence... but i am still going to say... You will never abandon me... i really don't think this is doing me any good... but i am still going to say... You are full of goodness and You blessed me.
The very first time i prayed like this... completely disregarding my feelings... In short He grew my faith and drew me closer.
Finally I really thank Him for my wonderful friends... when I am weak, paranoid, prostrate... u are so concerned for me, so patient, and so diagnostic(especially sally*cough*)! ^0^ In high school i sometimes get bored and frustrated thinking: why can't my high school life be as exciting as Slamdunk?
But now i realise... u guys have really been the Slamdunk to me... (lol from me this is the highest compliment^^) My uni life has been so good because of u all.
All for the glory of God.
Agape,

Emetic

Yesterday nite got so amazed reading about malaria... Mosquitos actually have salivary glands!!!! and gut mucosa as well!!!! to imagine such a puny little thing would have a complete set of digestive system reali amazed me... so cute!
I better stop calling them cute before Sally decides to hack me down with an axe...
Today at clinical placement.... saw a guy with a pedunculated wart on the flexor side of his arm... a realli big irregular-shaped pinky one... and it looks just like a miniature pink-skin potato........ with the strains of haemorrhage that looks like the pink skin creases... and also bits of pus coming out that look like the shoots coming out of non-fresh potatoes......
OK i better stop being graphic before everyone else decides to hack me down.....
but yeh saw a mini surgery as the doctor cuts away the wart.... and uses liquid nitrogen to freeze the base....... highlight of the day. ^0^
Dinner appetite unaffected.

bad paranoia

yesterday talking with ppl on msn and when my hand was feeling around my neck i suddenly felt a small round pea like prominence on the left side of my neck.... got freaked out and started to ask adrian about lymph nodes.... he kind of diagnosed and said it should be fine..... infection type swelling..
and sally diagnosed something similar as well....
but the prob is that i dun normally get swollen lymph nodes for infections... and the lymph node is not tender as it should be...
but yeh slept early...
and 2day in the morning studied for some pbl... the learning issue being examination of the lymph nodes... reali didn't help... read abt all the comparison btw infection and malignancy.... then just got so paranoid feeling over the prominence over and over again.. is it moving, not moving??? why is it not tender since it should be tender in infections?? isn't it a bit bigger than yesterday??? how come its not going away.......
so yeh... got really really really paranoid that i couldn't even function properly.... even thinking up about all the possibility of cancers and how scary would it be if i end my life so young without any contribution to ppl..
so yeh... our family already have a tendency to be paranoid abt health status.. while as my water half-bucket knowledge of medicine... kind of exacebates this paranoia tendency... really not a gd thing......
either i will hav to study more.. or reali force a stop on this paranoia......

little mermaid

In complete relaxation mood....
watched Young Andersen.... taped yesterday from SBS.... before just taped it because its a period drama and abt the fairytale writer Andersen... expected something kiddish.. feel-good comedy....
But i was so wrong......
it was a sad....... dark piece that really explored the dark complexity of human character.... and the filming technique is really powerful... i was surprised... a movie from Denmark so beautifully done... almost like unexpectedly finding a jewel...
strongly recommended.... anyone who wants to watch it can ask me....*grin*
Thoughts drifted back to the Andersen fairytales i read as a kid.... and once i think in Grade 4 the whole class of us went to see a Little Mermaid play.... up to the scene where the witch gave little mermaid a knife and tell her to kill the prince so she won't die.... up on the stage little mermaid was struggling kill or not to kill..... while the whole class of us... (at least 50) all stood up and yelled: KILL! KILL! KILL!
i bet everyone else sitting there that day watching the play all got so freaked out..... grade 4 kids already so murderous....... and 50 of them.....
dunno why.... at that time we reali thought to kill reali made sense??hmm.....
but yeh...... my primary school friends and myself r all pretty decent law abiding ppl now.... so no need to sweat.....haha (everyone: r u sure????)
Revising Dae Jang Geum again...... its such a brilliant TV series!!! and so inspiring.... abt never to give up in adverse circumstances..... one of the most beautiful lines:
" 長今, 妳是那種即使放在雪地上 也會開出美麗花朵的種子 "
take care everyone,

Aging grace

Went on clinical placement yesterday, wasn't too exciting. With a female doctor who is not reali that kind or jolly happy.... but she is quite skillful in dealing with difficult patients... Remind me a bit of Dr Asada from Team Medical Dragon....
Yes i think although would be a bit scary... but i definitely would enjoy learning from a doctor like Asada, rather than the more professionally compassionate but distant doctors.
So yeah: a dream for clinical school... get to know a doctor like Asada and follow him/her around to learn stuff...^0^
In the afternoon went to a nursing home to check up on 2 residents... 1 is really depressing: has Parkinsons and also a malig BCC which she denied that she has... the doctor tried to tell her but she was just like.. you ppl r joking, i don't believe you... and she laughed it off......
the other lady is much more pleasant.. having dementia...she yet is still so optimistic abt life... enjoying chocolates..... getting ppl in to do her nails for her.. And most amazing is when her daughter visits her(the daughter knows the doc as well) and start to tell us about her own husband who just recovered from a serious illness... and suddenly the mum...lying on bed said to her daughter... you know why he wasn't feeling that bad during the whole thing??? because I was praying for him!!!
Soooooooooooooooo............. sweet! *imagine yn's hearts flying around the room and undergoing binary fission that moment*
Then when we were waiting outside the room for the doctor to chat to the patient.. i saw an old guy sitting with head downcast, very silent and still.. near the doorway in the courtyard..... As soon as the thought 'the embodiment of life wasting away' cross my head.... i suddenly remembered Sherlock Holmes and Saitou Hajime....
What happened to them in their old days?
Sherlock retired to Sussex and became a beekeeper...... but at the end of his days.... was he so silent.. immobile and so vulnerably in need of care? And being an incurable Sherlockian romantic as i am.. the old guy may well be Sherlock..... retiring to a place no one knows.... doing nothing yet knowing that he has done so much...
And Saitou Hajime (he is a real historical figure) the fiece and capable Shinsengumi captain who lived by his motto Aku Zoku Zan(Evil Just Kill)...... in face of all failures... shame.. danger... loss..... betrayal.... and never gave up his belief.... what happend to him in his old age?
He became a cleaner, together with his wife.... at an early 20th century female university in Tokyo....
But if he still has his memories..... Saitou is still Saitou.... Shinsengumi 3rd division captain...
and i was a bit touched at the thought of that....

Doing devotional 2day and digged out a book I haven't read for a long time... 1st chapter, reali inspired, about Amy Carmichael and once after an injury the ambulance drove her almost fell into a ravine:
If [the ambulance] had gone over, would we say prayer was unanswered? It is a petty view of our Father's love and wisdom which demands or expects an answer according to our demand, apart from his wisdom.
We see hardly one inch of the narrow lane of time. To our God eternity lies open as a meadow. It must seem strange to the heavenly family who have seen the beautiful end of the Lord, that we should ever question what love allows to be, or ever call a prayer unanswered when the answer isn't what we expected. Isn't no answer an answer? And when a 'fatal' accident occurs, I feel like adding, 'isn't heaven an answer?'
still remember myself as a baby Christian, read this, got shocked.... and decide to put it aside and not read it cos its a bit too "powerful", but now... i know its so true.....
and as a finale of blogging during the Easter break...here is the lyrics of a song i reali liked, the singer isn't gd, the music is rip-off from jay..... but i love the lyrics....
逍遙嘆
歲月難得沉默秋風厭倦漂泊
夕陽賴著不走挂在牆頭舍不得我
昔日伊人耳邊話已和潮聲向東流
再回首往事也隨楓葉一片片落

愛已走到盡頭恨也放棄承諾
命運自認幽默想法太多由不得我
壯志凌云几分愁知己難逢几人留
再回首卻聞笑傳醉夢中

笑談詞窮古痴今狂終成空
刀鈍刃乏恩斷義絕夢方破
路荒遺灘飽覽足跡沒人懂
多年望眼欲穿過紅塵滾滾我沒看透

詞嘲墨盡千情万怨英杰愁
曲終人散發花鬢白紅顏社賵搘敵捻O日爭輝徒消瘦
當淚干血隱狂涌白雪紛飛都成空
an ancient sentimentality.......LOL

water running through ur fingers...

when i was washing my hands 2day was just struck by a good feeling as water run through my fingers.... a bit of a gentle, protective feeling, and also a bit reminding me of the passage of time... prehaps because of reading my dad's book: The Last Aristocrats.. abt the fate of famous scholars in China during the cultural revolution period... reali well written, though very melancholic... but also abt resilience with grace.. not like most of the memoirs in the market: self-promoting and swearing and complaining and self-pitying: i have suffered so much! i am still in pain!!!
so yep, just some very simple joys of life. ^0^