some gd, some not so gd stuff (hopefully all gd someday)

tiffany wanted me to do an update of this blog...
well i guess ok... its always gd wen a friend appreciate ur thoughts and want to read more for procrastination purposes. ^^
these days my thoughts are more negative than usual, the whole matter of case presentation and communication skills increasing tires me... i have always been a poor communicator and most of the time the more practise i have the more stressful i feel the more poorly i do and the more pessimistic i become.
a horrid vicious circle...
reali making me doubt whether i should give way to more capable ppl who can "yap yap" more confidently and intelligently.
pastor josh prayed for me at young adults on friday... i want to believe things can be changed but scepticism still nags me. >______<
and i hope i am not going to feel more negative by grumbling on this blog.
so yep need to persevere, trust and believe. so my dear SICs plz remember me in ur prayers.^^

at young adults someone said: danielle is coming back soon.
suddenly made me realise how much i missed her.
LOL danielle never reads this so i will keep on talking abt her.
i missed all the lifts she gave me b4 my driving days, and her always so-persistent offer to drive me around despite me feeling bad for troubling her too much.
i missed all the quality time dnm we had last yr regarding med & family & life & relationship, and being able to learn so much from her experiences.
i missed all the patient and loving advices she gave me wenever i, in some kind of prostrate distress, came to her with many grumbles. she was never impatient, never imposed her own ways of thinking on me.
i missed all the hugs and free food from her... still remember that nite wen she baked sweet potato and remembered that i like them so drove all the way from templestowe to box hill to deliver some to me... and actually got lost... >____<
i misssed her mature & kind presence, just someone always there, someone i can always approach wen i need some support and love.
*sniff*
yes in short i reali miss her.
looking forward to seeing her again and having her company again this year.*hearts*

We saw tiffany today...

Me and irene went to find a patient this arvo...
and we saw "tiffany"... and asked her for patients.
(austinees should know who am i talking about^^)
slightly different from last year, she has this reali mature reali elegant doctor look now.
then i saw the 2 rings on her finger.
reali elegant rings too.
*hearts*
so... "tiffany" is married.
me and irene were just awwing the whole way when we walked to our patient.

so... point of the story: Ganbatte to the real tiffany ^_____^

In memory: Slamdunk

the other day i got a lift to bsf from paul and saw the lovely slamdunk figurines in his car.
"so cute!!!" i said, drooling.
despite the fact that i myself own 2 identical sets of those... exactly the same ones.

brought back memories of slamdunk, even when i have never forgotten about them.
i remember with fondness the time i got a set similar to those as my 20th bday present from all the meddies. tiffany spotted them on her hillsong trip in sydney, remembered my obsession, and bought them for me.
she din noe i already had a set of those myself.
yet i still loved my extra set very much... wen mum was tidying my room she once mentioned: u have 2 sets of those? give one set away!
"no! mine! they r all mine!" i was completely possessive and refused to share any of those with anyone.

and i also remember with great amusement, the time we sat in austin lecture theatre, wei dozing off as usual.
i took out the little sleeping and slobbering Rukawa figurine, and put it on the desk next to him.
tiffany saw it and was reali amazed: hey that thing looks just like wei!
LOL
indeed.
*rukawa is the superstar character of slamdunk. so...i think its quite an honour^^
(thanx to wei who left...um...nice...comments on our blogs...LOL)

i saw God in slamdunk too.
(everyone: *glare* how did you manage to see God in that? so obsessed)
Sakuragi... the boy from whom the whole story evolved, was rejected by 50 girls in his junior high. on his first day in senior high, he saw his 51st crush.
a pretty girl stranger Haruko randomly asked him: Do you like basketball?
that moment she became his goddess.
"yes! i really like basketball!" saying that, while had never touched a basketball before in his life.
he joined the basketball team, hoping to be the awesome basketball star to win her attention & her heart, bickering and fighting always with haruko's crush Rukawa, superstar of the team.
he slowly became one essential member in the wonderful basketball world.
meeting new friends, new foes; learning about himself; learning about teamwork; learning about living and doing ur best for the cause so many have devoted all their passions to.

by the last volume of the manga, sakuragi's team was in their toughest battle, versus country's best high school team.
sakuragi had badly injured his back in a collison a few minutes before. the whole stadium's attention was on him.
could he play? could he not play?
only a few more minutes left for the match, without sakuragi, the team might well just give up and lose.
Haruko was worried and rushed down to see sakuragi during the break.
and he said the most memorable words:
I---I---I like----I like---
i really like basketball! this time i am not lying!!

a scene that never failed to touch me.
isn't it just like our walk with God?
We come to Him with whatever unpleasant selfish motives... motives we do not even want to examine too deeply ourselves.
We come to him, maybe wanting to use Him as a tool, to get whatever we desperately want.
But He does change us.
He would let us see His wonderfulness, see how much better it is to have a relationship with Him, much better than what we had wanted in the first place.
then our own selfish motives cease to be important.
analogy slightly awkward, as God is God, not basketball.
but i am sure the concept is not all absurd...


do not be afraid or ashamed if we seek God for the wrong reason. do not be discouraged if we think we come to Him because our families or friends did: we just didn't want to feel left out.
He is most wonderful.
When we are there, He will show us how wonderful it is to have a relationship with Him. Trust and walk with Him.
may not be an easy walk.
but despite the numerous difficulties, Sakuragi really enjoyed basketball, and became an awesome basketball player.
we can really enjoy God, and become great children of His.


wen can we say the words, just like wat Sakuragi said?

I really love God.
and this time i am not lying.

He will see that day come for us.

I realised...

i always tell ppl: i dun reali like self-centred ppl, and because of that, i always endeavour to be altruistic!
yet i realised i dun like ppl's self-centredness the most---
wen i myself is self-absorbed, troubled, and in rebellion with God.
but wen i am in connection with God's spirit of love, i dun even think this way.
it is a good lesson.
wen i am truly in accordance with His love, I would not be morally invasive nor live in a spirit of criticism.
"morally invasive"....LOL i find it such a wonderful term...just like "spiritually proud"... sounds so...not right... yet not uncommon human attitudes...
lets just pray we ourselves dun go down this path without awareness.


on valentines day i got a reali wonderful gift, from the Lord.
It came to me in the deep of the night, was very abrupt.
and absolutely awesome.
If I tell you wat is it... i am sure most of u would burst into laughter...
and think yn is just one incurably immature anime-obsessed addict...
yet it was something so important to me... that the magnitude of joy it brings... is just GREAT.
even my lousy, sometimes overactive imagination, can be so blessed by Him.
was inspired by tiffinity's blog: there is no better valentine than jesus.
I just pray that i will not abuse His blessings this time... as it had happened many times b4... >.<
i still need to learn to trust him more and more.
all goodness in me come from God.
It is so true.
So pray I will no longer claim wats not mine as mine, and abuse it.


so ppl understand if i talk about Parkinsonian "on" & "off" days?
i realised God is not my levodopa, and sin is not the incurable, progressively declining Parkinson's.
I cannot take some "godly boost tablets" and have a great on-phase wen i do & say Godly things. Yet during my off-phase just do watever that pleases me, while having atrociously negative thoughts. Then seeing myself in a pitable state, get some more boost and be "on" for another period of time.
and the vicious cycle continues, as the effect of levodopa gradually wearing off... then, needing stimulation in more stronger doses, it eventually lost all its effects in me.
bleak yeh?
but God is not a medication for quick relief, and at all times, I should refrain from thinking abt Him in such a way.

I realised...
it has been quite some months since my night of panic in bendigo, which made me write an email asking for prayers from our "cu" group.
should say it has been almost 6 months... and this problem hasn't haunted me once during this time.
Thank you all for ur care and prayers.
I am glad to have known u such wonderful ppls...
reali glad.

Lovely doctors

i reali reali like reali old, nice, grandpa-like consultants.
Went to outpatients this week and followed one such consultant around... in his company i was very content and very willing to learn... (comparatively speaking that is)
which reminds me of the time wen my dad spoke of my gp: hey i think the doctor u always go to has a sherlock holmes feel, don't you think?
(I have watched enuf sherlock series for him to have a firm impression of sherlock.)
...
i din realise...but now u said it...
My GP is... quite old... looked nothing different from wen me at 14 first visited him... and... he does have a very Sherlockian feel.
Now i kind of understood why I like going to him so much, especially wen i needed to vent out all my cancer paranoia.
so yes, there r very lovely doctors around.

Nippon Fever

I realised me and Angel both like Abe Hiroshi. He is a very good actor, best at subtle humour.

Sorimachi Takashi is also brilliant. He is not as popular as he used to be, but he was awesome in GTO, the all-time classic cool-teacher drama.
My favourite remained Takenouchi Yutaka. He has a more introverted and controlled style. Used to be a pretty-boy star, his acting has so much more strength now, as he is now older and uglier. LOL

I love melbourne uni

when i have some time in the holidays i like to study a few things i like...
for example: reading chinese historical essays. LOL
for quite some years I have been obsessed with this awesome chinese poet from the yuan dynasty.

born into an aristocratic family, in his teens he was renowned for his physical strength and horseriding skills, wen he was 20 he was made an army general of a vast territory. Soon after he gave up his position to his younger bro and left to study chinese lit & poetry in the capital. Wen he was 27 his literary talent became so renowned that the emperor made him head scribe of the court as well as literary teacher for the crowned prince.
Yet he found politics dark and tiresome, so wen he was 29, he again gave up his position... and went to live quietly in hangzhou...
He became a medicine man, selling muslim medicine to ppl in need.

What an awesome life.
Doesn't that remind u a bit of Kyoshiro-san from Samurai Deeper KYO, the happy medicine man? Only much more exciting.
hence the obsessed study into his life & poetry.
I googled his name and went thru the whole list of results searching for interesting facts and commentary of his life. A few essays and book titles I found belong to this chinese scholastic journal database, which I would need to pay for access.
But I suddenly remembered catalogue for the eastern asian collection in baillieu library...
they actually have his biography(in full chinese... published in 1983) stored away in some dark dusty corner... *touched*
with my student status I could access the full chinese journal database from melbourne... at no cost and at no extra time searching... *even more touched*
last nite my hand was shaking with excitement wen i clicked on the essay i really wanted.
I love melbourne uni... deep from the heart...

Ramblings

I hate the me that do things apart from God.
And I am more and more glad when i can come back to Him and affirm that He loves me.
Exam is finally finished for me. Not much sense of holiday joy, cos the exam was only a sole 40 mins oral exam.
Went to see 2 ppl at graduation today: max and yi qiu. A few friends have also done a countdown calendar for our graduation. Do i look forward to my graduation? prob not, but still i think the red roses some ppl were holding looked awesome with the cardinal red hood for medicine.
Yes I would love some red roses on my graduation too. But i guess its useless to fantasize about such things.
after exam i usually become more careless, rude and disinhibited in things I say...(usually on a mild and prob unnoticeable level)but still hopefully din offend anyone by any chance.
At my blunt insistence med family changed gathering place from glenny to jeremy's house, and still a full house turned up... was touched.. to see the mostly complete family again. As I leave I just felt sad.
at church the whole youth grp saw paul & wenshu off to china mission, and danielle is already gone. happy occasion, and a weird and ill-founded shanghainese pride came to me. Its wonderful to see shanghainese ppl being such faithful children of God.
on a racist generalisation we shanghainese have very hardened hearts, think too much and too vulgarly for our own good and very absorbed in our self-centredness. So its a truely wonderful thing to see God shaping many of our kind into Godly atypical shanghainese.
And yes I would love to go for medical mission for my electives. But before He clearly sends me I would pray and not move. However this I could fantasize about, cos sally kindly offered me over lunch: "hey if u ever want to borrow money from me just let me know. I am not that rich but around 500 should be ok..."
LOL and Hugz to sally. I reali reali do miss u too.
The greatest achievement for me this semester is to realise God does love me, and I do have a relationship with Him and I long to be closer and closer. This love is in fact similar to how I love normal humans, but only better.
Only better, much better.
Or this really shouldn't be called an achievement? cos its all His grace.
i have also realised that wen a distressed prayer is not immediately answered, it reali is not that He doesn't care. When I continue to rely on Him, He will bring me peace and His answer will come.
in retrospect, I had a very poor opinion of the character of the God I worshipped, which was.... indeed disturbing.
Thanx to His love, that grew me in Godly wisdom.

Aggressive

Chris told me: YN i think you are more aggressive now.
O_O
Am I?
maybe i am, given I was very under-aggressive. Living under an impulsive and aggressive mother I have learnt to avoid aggravation at all costs.
Maybe its her current absence at home that allowed me to give more expression to my aggressiveness.
lol
not reali.
i pray wen i am assertive, i am assertive for His glory.
and wen i am not, its always out of submission and love, not out of fear of aggravation.

Thank Him again, I learnt a gd lesson 2day.

A moment of revelation

Today I was not too troubled by my lymph nodes, but wasn't in a mood of studying either, and out of sloth and greed I had this huge craving for KFC, so was persuading tiffany to go to KFC with me. In the end I didn't go either, but went to burgundy st and bought some sushis, probably a much wiser thing to do.

Just want to share abit of some Godly wisdoms I have recently acquired. 2 wks ago at the bible study at youth group we were discussing a verse, and suddenly the revelation(probably the biggest revelation of my life came to me.

Luke 9:23 Then he said to them all: "If anyone would come after me, he must deny himself and take up his cross daily and follow me."

I not only occasionally envy ppl's crosses which seemed lighter, but more of the times, I am glaring at other ppls' crosses that seemed much "heavier".
This tendency greatly accentuates as i frequent the oncology ward these days, look at terminally ill patients and live with a survivor's guilt that why its those ppl and not me who have to suffer such misfortune. thus I live in perpetual doubt and fear that: when will I have to deal with these horrid trials? Should I be mentally prepared for such things now so I can be strong when they actually hit me?
all of the talks, sermons, books, on "do not worry" had minimal effects on me.

But as i read about "take up his cross daily", i was suddenly hit by the word "daily".
not "take up his cross and never put it down", but "take up his cross daily".
so one's cross each day is not the same. today's cross is not tomorrow's cross.
Liberating for someone paranoid like me.
so I can just focus on taking up my own cross today, and won't need to look at other heavier crosses or speculate what is my cross tomorrow.

when I do focus and look at my cross for each day, its not such an easy task either, but to be honest, a much easier load than what i always made myself carry in the past.
And I am a much happier person when I can focus on carrying my daily cross.

Thank Him.

Psalm 73

This week sometime, out of some ill-founded despair, i decided that I had enough and i was going to stay down a pit, never coming out again.
But God has been so gracious to pull me out gently & firmly even b4 the thought became consolidated in my mind.
And I am happy that I am under His authority again.
And that just made me realise that if my uni life has been without Him, how difficult I myself would have made it to be.
Sometimes its just so hard to tell if we are going thru difficult struggles or not(whether imaginary or actual struggles). I know i am neither suicidal nor depressed, but it doesn't mean when i exaggerate a situation in a wrong state of mind, I would not walk across the driveway of austin hospital and wish the car to run me over.
So i won't need to care about anything from then on.
And that, was absolute stupidity.

during my walk with God, one thing reali strikes me is that He reali took care of me like how a Father would love an ignorant bad tempered child.
He actively pursues me, even wen I am faithless.
As I cry my eyes out in a corner because my building blocks have collapsed, he would not leave me there, for me to calm down from senseless tears and become obedient, before he communicate to me again.
He would come and comfort me and hold my hand and draw me back to Him.

one of my favourite psalms is Psalm 73
....This is what the wicked are like--
always carefree, they increase in wealth.

Surely in vain have I kept my heart pure;
in vain have I washed my hands in innocence.
All day long I have been plagued;
I have been punished every morning.

If I had said,"I will speak thus,"
I would have betrayed your children.
When I tried to understand all this
it was oppressive to me
till I entered the sanctuary of God;
then I understood their final destiny.

...When my heart was grieved
and my spirit embittered
I was senseless and ignorant;
I was a brute beast before you.

Yet I am always with you;
you hold me by my right hand.
You guide me with your counsel,
and afterward you will take me into glory.
Whom have I in heaven but you?
And earth has nothing I desire besides you.
My flesh and my heart may fail,
but God is the strength of my heart
and my portion forever.

i want to thank Him for I am loved, and for all He had done in me.

watever i say

Whatever I say to ppl, sometimes i need to say them to myself.

Just scratched my car really badly 1 hour ago.
Now in the agonising process of waiting for dad to be home to break the news.
and i noe that although mum is far away in shanghai, her wrath is going to be very stirred up as soon as the news reaches her.
she has an obsession that no mistakes ever should be made by anyone.
I fear my blog has turned into a grumblog like the one sally used to have.

Just had a visit to bou-chan's blog before, and saw the encouraging message i wrote her 2 days ago:
"watever troubles and agony you are going through, just remember that from them, beautiful flowers will blossom one day"
so yeh, watever i say to people, i really need to say to myself.

Kenshin says...

In response to tiffany’s blog.

Once upon a time, 2 people had a memorable conversation.

Kaoru: The new age has really come. We will be at peace, and that naive dream will really be reality.
Then what a wonderful thing it is, that we can all stay together!

Kenshin: But, it’s impossible…
Time changes, even kenjutsu will change, but people don’t change.
That just…doesn’t happen…
People all walk their own paths, live their own lives.
A journey without farewells, a beginning without end…
It's a little lonely, but that's how it is.

Last Friday when we gather, “some ppl flicked off to somewhere. Eventually, we dissolved and went home our separate ways”.
I was sad. Not so much for ppl flicking off, but for myself not even realizing when ppl flicked off.

So is Kenshin right or not?
Maybe he is. Since he is 28 and has seen much of the world.
Kaoru is just a naive 17 year old.

But as for us, we have the hope, that even when we are embolized to our different directions, the love of God still has the power to bind us all together,

living with horrid thoughts

it is the time of the year when pressure is on me, and my body feels very out of control.
believe or not, i live daily with many ill-founded horrid thoughts. being the only child i have chronic fear of dying b4 my parents as well as my spinster aunt, thus won't be able to take care of them in their aging years.
last year when my body felt out of control, i lost trust in God... I knew He still existed, He was still in control of everything. but I dun believe He loved me, I thought He would either kill me off young because He wishes so, or prolong my life simply to marry me off to some miserable unattractive guy who has great emotional need so I could provide the "godly love" he needs.
My friends feel free to be horrified at this, i DID think so back then. (I myself feel horrified at such thoughts when i think back)

This year the same problem came back, the progression of it probably made me more fearful. Though I knew i could distract myself with various things and be in denial and forget about such problems, I knew when i start thinking or reading anything vaguely related to it, my paranoia would really set in.
Oh but is it a paranoia? the patient I interviewed some days ago had Parkinsons diagnosed in her 30s. But before her diagnosis, she was regarded, by many doctors, as a pure neurotic who made things up in her head.
So am I paranoid or not? I would only noe after I find out more about my physical conditions. Funny how my mental wellbeing is not determined by what I think, but by whether I have the actual physical illness or not.
Well saturday i will go and see my GP, I hope he could put some sense into me. And before that I will trust and not worry, still learning.
I really do not want to lose faith in God again because of my circumstances.

This morning I read 2 Corithians 1. A passage that never caught my eye before just moved me so much:
2 Corithians 1: 20-22 For no matter how many promises God has made, they are "yes" in Christ. And so through him the "Amen" is spoken by us to the glory of God. Now it is God who makes both us and you stand firm in Christ. He anointed us, set his seal of ownership on us, and put his Spirit in our hearts as a deposit, guaranteeing what is to come.
I will say the "Amen", and I believe I will be made firm.
help me to deal with my distress or my paranoia, later.

Remembrance: Last day of 21 years old

I had a good party yesterday.
Very happy to see everyone, very happy to be the centre of attention, very happy to be hugging the black poo-ball soft toy while feeling loved by friends.
LO! Me and my shallow happiness.
Still I am glad of it. The only one time in a year I want to feel..."spoilt".
And guess what, I had it.
It was hard to imagine me, so content among friends at the party, the nite before had an over-the-top panic attack, couldn't go to sleep and was drowning myself in tears of self-pity and pathological fear for the future.
And especially scared that... with His impending tests and trials, I will surely fail and probably turn bitter.
yes a pretty grave acute-on-chronic circumstance triggered that unpleasant episode of insomnia, but reali did the circumstance MATTER?
If I am fully immersed in the love of God, would I still have feared?
If I have offered my life completely to God, would I still have sorrowfully pitied myself for my "misfortune"?
And if I have loved God enough, will I want to FAIL? I definitely will not be thinking "I will surely fail" even before the situation comes.
With 22 years old fast approaching in a few hours I have realised that I do desire God greatly and wanted to live my life His ways...
yet the desire for self-gratification still tags along at every opportunity looking for free rides.
Meaning God has more work to do with me, and I need to ask Him to really prepare my heart for it.
Today dear irene drove us to bendigo. After dinner she invited me to her room to watch John Bevere sermon DVD. Very good sermon that speaks to your heart.
What a wonderful way to end the 21st yr of my life!
I am looking forward to the equally blessed start of the 22nd yr of my life.^^ (looking at my watch now... LOL)
Thank you Lord, for everything, and I mean it.

29th of Jun to 12th of Jul

I have neglected my English blog for more than two months now. i think it deserves a big chunky post from me.
A few details of what happened in the past 2 wonderful weeks.

before this 2 wk period started I was pretty much distressing about it... thinking that I definitely would get sick during this time, become exhausted and have a pretty miserable time.

Turns out this is probably one of the most memorable fortnight in my life so far. Will always keep the memories, laugh and cry over it in future times.

Youth camp
Past 2 youth camps I have missed both. Almost thought I couldn't make it for this one either because of sickness, but then thought: I do have a responsibility to go. So pumped myself up with vitamin supplements and prepared sufficient aspirins b4 I set off.
Although being an atrociously pathetic first-aider, and also still in the habit of thinking with too much complexity and therefore probably was not able to offer clear powerful answers to ppl in discussion, I found myself very encourged overall through this camp.
Living in the leaders' lounge with lingli, ruth, siewyong, danielle and ariel: very comfy, very bonding, very fun, very enjoyable. Even had a chance to do BGR d&m one afternoon. Bonus was that we were all decent aged ppl who slept early and knew how to take care of ourselves and each other.
Medical emergencies: exposed my utter ignorance in medical practice... I did not know how to deal with a casualty screaming in pain, even after 3+ years of studies...(yes I know) After 1st emergency... I was secretly thinking--thank goodness Jason was there to handle it, very unlikely another emergency will happen--No, the next day my probability theory was proven wrong. 2nd emergency! This time no Dr Jason around. Danielle and Ruth were doing as much as they could, so I suddenly realised I should be doing something too.
All I could do was to run back and get my first aid book to check up the index for muscle cramps. Real life situation and 3 lines of text on a book, however, can be very very different. Finally realised one simple golden rule: Each situation has to be dealt differently. But it was very comforting to know so many people were there helping, so many people came and gave encouraging concerns, and so many people prayed.
Special thanks goes to Danielle, Ruth, David, as well as Mary and Sharon who helped me to analyse the situation across the phone... Thank goodnesss I managed to get mobile reception that night.
Holy Spirit Night: Prayed for many people(probably the first time ever I felt a bit confident in praying for other people)also got Pastor Josh to pray for me too. Laughed out so hard when he said to me: "Yi Ning, you are too busy. " That was so true... and I was laughing because what he said was so true when he didn't even know me. He pointed out my spiritual problem of not speaking to God enough and advised me to constantly thank God. Have been trying my best to do it since then... really helps. less fear and more confidence in Him.
Also managed to have good catch up with Michael that night, as well as gave siew yong a reali reali big hug.^^
Coming back: had a very very high quality d&m chat with danielle on the bus, regarding med, mission, future plans, and Shanghainese parents. Very comforted by danielle's advices and encouragement. Thanks Danielle!! You have always been such an awesome sister to me.

the day after
Worked, and then Michael called me about Tiff's coming to box hill in the arvo. Realised I indeed had a gap btw clients that arvo, so met up with Tiff and Michael. Talked about camp, church, as well as had a quality serious BGR discussion. Very enjoyable.

Med trip
finally caught up with a few of the ppls I haven't seen in a while. Was quite happy to see Lu joining us on the trip, more old box hill catch up.
Food: helped Jia Jia cooking some shanghainese food on some of the days. Alena also on the trip, so yeh... GO! Shanghainese!!! Lots of nice food were made by the reali wonderful chefs there(ie. jj, alena, irene, dora etc). I myself tried to eat as much as i could... in fear that my immune system would be down if I dun eat enuf and i mite get sick again.
Sleep: on the same bed with Lu, had really good catch up. Took a sleeping pill the last nite(or the last morning?)in fear that if I dun sleep enough i would get sick and not be able to go to sally's party.
Dance: attempted.. to dance with everyone else on chao's party nite. also learnt a bit of rumba from Lu, still very much wanting to learn proper dancing but no time.
Alcohol: i am always fascinated by cocktail mixing... but I dun like to drink. Learnt a bit of baileys + butterscotch mixing from Lu(again!^^) tried to do a vodka + cordial mix with alison, failed to get the layers of colour, but still fun. and handshake to wei who also likes to mix cocktail but doesn't like to drink.
Gamble(joking): watched guys playing poker... finally understood a bit now. Saw a persistent match between ken and wei that went on forever... while eating fried stick dipped in soy sauce at the same time, with bei. Yum.
D&M: D&Med a bit with Lu each nite, then on the last nite when everyone was still around the table, joined a conversation btw ken and wei abt Christian stuff. Found out with delight that both of them reali wanted to do mission work in the future as well. Tiffany later also joined... 4 of us then moved on to have a heated discussion about tithing. hmmm...
After that... d&med more with wan, wei and lu about various spiritual issues: dealing with parents with differnt faith, the science of Jesus walking on water, reliability of the bible etc. had to take sleeping pill after that to grab some quality sleep.
Thanks to all who listened and d&med. Greating brain exercise and great bonding time.
Shoe hunt: Was having breakfast that morning and got a bit suspicious of the packets of mi goreng outside a full box. Then when people started looking for shoe.. realised something must be within the mi goreng box... so yes found tiff's shoe there. When i explained my pathetic method of deduction to get the shoe... heard someone saying: She can be a detective!
Because of that comment I was excited for a whole afternoon. Thanks to whoever randomly said it.
Other randomness: one day woke up to brush teeth, saw traces of blood with mucus in the sink. First impression: SOMEONE IS COUGHING/VOMITING BLOOD! Thinking back: Jeremy used the sink before. NO! JEREMY MUST BE COUGHING/VOMITING BLOOD! Rushed out to check... but realised he only had a bleeding nose.

Sally's party
Same night when we came back from the trip, went to good friend Sally's 21st party. Big thanx to Jeremy who gave me so many lifts to and fro...
Actually made a speech, which went quite alrite, even though I felt very unprepared. But the joyful thing was that this was actually the first time I saw sally after she came back from Canada. Also found out the joyful news that sally and dave are engaged! You lucky ppl! Congrats!
The cake looked very stylish too. Also caught up with lovely mentor Mary on the night.

Alison's party
The next night. Thanks for finding such a nice place Alison. Food was delightful!Had a very nice Japanese bento. Thanks again Alison! Had good catch up with maxine, took more fotos, had lots of good laughs from speech and also other random stuff. Saw this interesting japanese drink called Ramune Peach... very cute bottle. Saw Siew Yong and Lu as well and 2 groups merged for a while. Ended up feeling a bit sentimental at the end of the night, gave hugs to people I won't be able to see in a while...>_<

First Aid Course
I literal only read the book one day before the course...
But no, still managed to pass the assessment. Had the course with a very interesting group, talked about various different scenarios, and had a good laugh at some of those. So didn't feel bored which was good.
When practising CPR on the plastic models. I realised my arms were much stronger than 3 years ago, and I could breath much deeper. 3 years ago when I first did First Aid course... one round of CPR and EAR could send myself hyperventilating on the floor.
Very glad of the change.

Committee meeting
Was pretty scared what mum would think of a weekly meeting at the pastor's house. Prayed myself the whole day and also asked others to pray for me, so asked mum whether I could go to the meeting only after i finished work at 8, in case she changed her mind. To my surprise she didn't complain... but just allowed me to go.
Can hear myself breathing out deep after she said that...
Thanks to Lingli for your comforting words, and your prayers.

Last days at work
Gave some little presents to some of my favourite clients. One was an elderly couple.. and the old lady had always been so kind to me and treated me almost like a granddaughter. When I was about to leave she told me that she wished that she could still see me at work one day when I become a doctor. >.<(Had to choke back tears at that moment) I gave her a little handcraft vase made out of plastic beads.
When I tell clients I won't be working when semester starts, my favourite line so far has been: I am going back to study...in Bendigo.
It makes me feel very un-ESL, very country-bumpkin, and very good.

I just would like to give thanks to the Lord for His gift of the wonderful two weeks of experiences He had blessed me with. Although it may have been tiring yet I remained healthy and energetic enough to do all I needed to do, without His grace this is something impossible for me. I would like to thank Him to all the great times I had, all the love I received from friends, and I hope He had used me during this time to encourage and touch other people's hearts too.

and Respect...

Good old Eaglewood Dust, I haven't forgotten about u. When I face the reality that I still need English to survive... I am coming back to you. *hearts flying around*
Anyway, on a joyful note, since last month or so I have been into the habit of memorising Bible verses. Now there is a handful of them rooted in my brain... which I can pull out and quote without needing to flip through the Bible like mad when I reali need them.
Still can do better but I am quite happy about it so far. I always had the excuse that I am bad at memory work... and that if the occasional remembering of medical knowledge already proved an extremely unwelcoming chore, I avoided Scripture Memory all together. (Just in case I find it so hard that I would even lose enthusiasm to read the Bible)
But when the Lord touched my heart and I started remembering them... the joy is great. And I even gain sum confidence that---the remembering medical stuff... would not be so TERRIBLE... either.
A beautiful verse these days I always keep to heart is:
But in your heart set apart Christ as Lord. Always be prepared to give an answer to everyone who askes you to give a reason for the hope that you have. But do this with gentleness and respect. 1 Peter 3:15
And the difficult part is: RESPECT. majority won't have a problem with gentleness... after all everyone knows how to pull off a sheepish smile to a degree...
but respect... hum... no respect does not equal politeness.
most evangelism effort that you can see around you involves a smiling and try-hard "sweet and caring" Christian telling of the doctrine with a condescending "love" that we are the absolute TRUTH, and by telling u this we pouring our love out to you.
Well, a good thing to tell the TRUTH. But what about the respect?
If you put a blind person in a beautiful park and tells him/her: this is the most fantastic spot in the world and that even though you can't see, the truth is its beautiful---
Is such a "truth" truth?
without respect.. sometimes even TRUTH can be made foul by human efforts.
How can we say "God is the answer to everything!We know He will work for you!" to someone and expect a response, without even wanting to spend the time, and reali getting to know the person, know the situation?
Its like we want a blind person in the park to admit its beautiful scenery, but are not bothered(or even thought of)sitting down and explaining everything we see to the person so they can figure the whole scene out in the head.
in more atrocious cases we don't even realise that the person is blind at all, but just forcing them to sit there and ENJOY.
Respect... the essential basics in any friendship or relationship... funny how many Christians simply don't have that when it comes to doing the most important job for the Lord...
and a scary thought to think back to my own "efforts"... that not long ago I was in the same league as the ones I have mentioned, without even an awareness that respect has to come in when I do God's work...
May the Lord forgive me.
We Christians are also still learning to see. The more we see the more we can understand and respect.
Do take time to let the Lord prepare you before you do work for Him. And the preparation is daily, always.

A blog post of laughter material

last nite after 10 stopped talking with ppl on msn and all resolved to do sum thesis writing... but no... a lil forward from alice ruined it all... >_< Its a forward of pictures of bad english from fob countries. lol so spent a whole hr around midnite last nite looking thru the whole website of engrish pictures... and laughing till my stomach hurted...(was still hurting 2day when i woke up)
and went to koorong today after work, initiated from this interesting promise i made to God a week ago. well last week or so I was struck down with a very bad sinus problem... voice completely gone and it became apparent that i was being silly for holding up and not seeing a doctor. and my very reason for not seeing a doctor was that: I was still in the process of applying a Health care card after stupid centrelink ppl accidentally cancelled it... >_<
if u r rich and dun noe wat a health care card can do...lol well it lets u get more than 50% discount on medication, and also concession on transport too...
so yes my reason for doctorphobia was in fact being cheap and not wanting to pay 13 bucks or so for miserable antibiotics, which, unlike food, could not make me happy. lol

well then came my lil promise to God one nite praying out of sickness: Lord if u let me free from seeing a doctor... I will buy Wild at Heart for you to give to a friend to read... with the antibiotics money...
yes it is a sad and faithless prayer... but the Lord answered that. a pastor with healing gifts arrived at yth grp when i was in the most sick and prostrate state... and on the next day miraculous started to feel better. so a week later, was going to Koorong to get the book.

and i think i better explain wat is "Wild at Heart"
maybe the tagline under that title is self-explanatory: Discovering the Secret of a Man's Soul.
yes, as in proper male "man", not "man" meaning overall mankind.
How did I come across reading this book? while was doing library catalogue for youth group and this book jumped to my eye so I grabbed it and read...
yes i am this desperate and read a book about men...
but yes it did keep me entertained and gave me some inspirations too(although i think they were intended for "men"...*sweat*)such as finding courage because our Lord is also a courageous warrior... very powerful words for sumone like me who have no courage at all.>_<
and as i read... realised this book is so good for a friend who usually can get offended by Christian stuff... cos it just spoke from down-to-earth and appealed to basic human courage and passion.
but for quite a while still wasn't sure enuf whether i could be bothered to spend this money on a book about "men"... and especially buy it not for myself at all, but for this friend(or friends) to read...
but yes fear of the antibiotics expense prompted me to make this promise to God.lol

and here it was, in koorong, price just the amount I would have to spend on antibiotics.
and while in koorong bought another book, which also kind of jumped to my eye and yelled at me to grab it...
and this one has an even better title and tagline:
Loves Me, Loves Me Not
The Ethics of Unrequitted Love
lol... reading thru it after i got home... so brilliant and honest... was laughing as much as what i did for engrish last nite...

2 of the brilliant questions asked by the book and answered:
What are the appropraite reasons for turning down romantic advances from someone? Is it appropriate to reject a person because I am afraid? Because the person does not measure up to a list of qualification I have developed? Because I am not attracted to that person's appearance? Do I ever need a reason?

If I have been rejected? am I obligated to get over my attraction to the person who rejected me? Is it neurotic to keep loving someone who has turned me down?

nice yeh? how many books actually talk abt such things?

and my favourite pic from engrish:

YN's dream adventure

last nite had a reali vivid dream... one of those that is not reali too random... do make some sense... and is still very clear after i wake up.
the dream started with me having a fight with maxine... and then having a fight with chris... (if you don't know them well they are like 2 of the nicest ppl i noe), and they r not reali like fights about serious issues, more like primary school kiddish fights. now what does that mean? me harbouring deep dissatisfaction about these two? ehhh... i thought hard about that after i woke up... but still found nothing wrong about them...
so you noe these two plz dun tell them about my dream... if they reali want to have a fight with me, I am no match in physical strength or verbal skills... (lol yes even with these two)
then the dream progress for a while and it seems wan's birthday is coming up, then i found out that i couldn't go to wan's party so thus a hectic attempt to change my schedules around... now what does this mean? maybe because our next big bday candidate once played the role of wan in a video for alison. lol
and then i ended up in a different space and time. where and when? ancient china the era of the 3 kingdoms. In fact a few friends were with me too... except i can't remember who they are... but yeh we were like courtiers and advisers to some warlords.. who wants to attack the other army. I think i suggested using fire to attack... and the warlord agreed, so we shoot fire arrows to attack the other army, but then a reali strong wind blew, and the fire kind of spread to our camp as well... >_<
but it wasn't scary... almost comical...
hence i woke up.
because I went to the 3 kingdoms in my dream and played a "smart" adviser, when i woke up I was happy.
I think the 3 kingdom component of the dream reali came from my recent obsession with The Ravage of Times, as well as Tank's new song "Love of the 3 Kingdoms".
Speaking of Tank, he is my latest fob singer obsession. he can compose and write and sing well and has his unique style. and he is a Christian! ^^ he dedicated the first song in his first album to the Lord... so cool^^ and the whole album has this reali positive and genuine attitude... just reminds ppl how great it is to worship the Lord with ur talents.
lyrics of Love of the 3 Kingdoms
?三國戀
詞曲：Tank　演唱：Tank

將軍 北方倉糧佔據 六馬十二兵 等待你光臨
胡琴 訴說英勇事跡 敗軍向南遠北方離
家鄉 在那美的遠方 期望在身上 夢想在流浪
肩上 剩下的能量 還能撐到什麼地方

等待良人歸來那一刻 眼淚為你唱歌
在我離你遠去哪一天 藍色的雨下在我眼前
驕傲的淚不敢棄守我眼睛

在我離你遠去哪一天 灰色的夢睡在我身邊
我早就該習慣沒有你的夜 勇敢的面對

赤壁烽火連天戰役 隻挂掉我們 七萬個兄弟
長江水面寫日記 願你也能看見漣漪
家鄉 在那美的遠方 淚水背著光 安靜而悲傷
肩上 剩下的能量 還能撐到什麼地方

等待良人歸來那一刻 眼淚為你唱歌
在我離你遠去哪一天 藍色的雨下在我眼前
驕傲的淚不敢棄守我眼睛

在我離你遠去哪一天 灰色的夢睡在我身邊
我早就該習慣沒有你的夜 勇敢的面對
我試著面對 灰色的夜 還在眼前

等待良人歸來那一刻 眼淚為你唱歌
在我離你遠去哪一天 藍色的雨下在我眼前
驕傲的淚不敢棄守我眼睛

在我離你遠去哪一天 藍色的夢睡在我身邊
我早就該習慣沒有你的夜 勇敢的面對

PS. while writing this blog i saw andy's blog.. he blogged about his dream as well! lol a wonderful horror story.. maybe the weather reali makes u having vivid dreams. lol

Just realised...

Just realised this arvo... when sally complained to me that i din approve her comment... that i actually turned on moderation of comments on this blog without myself realising wat does it do...
so for quite some months, if i dun approve comments, they won't show up...
sori if there r actually still ppl reading this.. and for those who commented.. sori i din mean to block ur comments...
*sweat*
i am reali not that blog literate...
anyway.. moderation of comments is off now^^
in case i forgot how to check them again.. lol

Life is strangely so...

Well... after a prolonged obsessive bout of Chinese writing, I am now finding some comfort in expressing myself again with English.
I find English and Chinese constantly at struggle within me... like a Type A personality married couple dwelling inside my brain, english and chinese usually co-operate well together and one cannot do without the other... yet at the same time, they do fight for household dominance...
chinese has its way most of the time, but English snatches at opportunities to take authority over for certain periods and does not give expression to Chinese at all.
I still remember the whole of Yr 12 when I forced myself not to read any Chinese books, to improve my pidgin-English to some presentable level... yes English novels and papers were enjoyable as I slowly began to understand all its beauty and nuances... only that as soon as the English exam finished, heartless me swept all English things to a corner and immersed myself in chinese books... hoping that english would never come to haunt me again...
Unfortunately in the meantime... english and chinese got married... and its hard for them to file a divorce... so english now has its own permanent spot in the household... perhaps doing more good with chinese than either of them on their own.
Was thinking about making my msn space bilingual but then decided against it... after all i am not posting ECC Bilingual congregation newsletter... and it feels too much of a try-hard... showing off english in front of chinese reading ppl? showing off chinese in front of english reading ppl? that would be really sad to say the least...
as I was at work these 2 days... kept on reflecting so many things... things that happened to me.. things that happened to other ppl...
then I concluded that there are so many things in life, as we experience them... turn out to be so non-conventional... so anti-cliche(but sometimes a completely dramatic cliche is also an anti-cliche)... so beyond imagination...
suddenly the following words jumped into my head:
Life is strangely so...
Life is interestingly so...
then i realised here are some English words I cannot put in equivalent Chinese without losing some of its meanings...
and hence this blog post.
Dear Lord, I find that You really do have a brilliant sense of humour as You lovingly plan out many aspects of our lives. Help us to develope a sense of humour too as we look at our lives. Help us to see your humorous planning as you intend them to be, and not to see them as pain, frustration and misery.

Addiction

one thing i pride about myself is that i hardly ever feel bored.
there always seem to be so many things out there i can enjoy.
unfortunately today i realised that i am indeed feeling bored, and the reason for my newly-acquired boredom is an addiction.
I am addicted to reading friends' blogs.
took me a while to realise this... b4, i do update my chinese blog frequently to comment on novels and tv series, and to keep in touch with net friends from china. and i do also like reading blogs SOMETIMES....BUT NOW...
every since knowing that bei, jj and jeremy all have blogs, my enthusiasm for blogs has, for some reason, skyrocketed. the first thing i do every day i go into my office is to do a very thorough, very complete blog scan of all friends... and then leave comments not b/c i feel touched or inspired, just out of habit...
well so today during 1 hr lunch, after finishing scanning all friends' blogs, i suddenly found myself so bored... wat can i do next?
this is indeed very pathetic... and i should have realised my addiction ages ago...
at the start of last wk when i learnt that irene deleted her blog.. my feeling of disappointment became reali exaggerated... but then she restarted her blog so i was all happy again.
not to mention that last wk i was trying to persuade wei and ff to do blogs as well... and the fact that ken also started a blog last friday din help me to overcome my addiction either...

yes will focus myself on AMS more to overcome my addiction. and in office spare time wil watch more anime or visit friends, hoping they can be effective distractions.
LOL

Shanghainese "gayness"

well... after 2 wks of being sick and having my lifestyle largely limited, finally i am feeling better and can again function normally (except a still strange voice with which i can scare ppl saying i have bird flu ^0^).
and today still went to hospital to draw in regions of tumour for 10 or so patients. (at the same time went through 1 novel, 2 authors' blogs... and a complete blog scan of all friends) so yes had myself moderately productive, but 100% entertained in my quiet, air-conditioned, personal office... the peace I find is a reali big blessing.
and suddenly remembered something very interesting from my last visit to Shanghai. When i was sitting on a bus one late afternoon, 2 little year 7 boys were standin beside me having a very intimate conversation.
it was approaching christmas so I soon realised they were talking about Christmas presents. after they asked each other about what did they buy for teachers, they started to talk about the Christmas cards they gave to friends. then one of them said with a big sweet grin on his face, while nudging his friend:
"i dun give cards to girls! i gave every single guy in the class a card, but only with you card i attached this 1 RMB worth little trinket...
on hearing that the other boy had a bigger sweeter grin on his face, reali reali excited about his 1 RMB specialness to his friend...
then the 2 giggled in the most intimate fashion...
very innocent, very cute, very sweet, and very gay.
I had since entertained myself with the thought of how gay these boys may turn out when they grow up.
after all year 7 means 12 or 13... stil a child but old enough to want to try out a less girly way of displaying friendship.

words by Saitou Hajime

Re-reading Rurouni Kenshin and really having a good time looking at Saitou-sama.
Found some reali brilliant Saitou quotes... since they r in English i guess they suit better on the English blog.

1. Humans are weak against terrorism and violence, and under such control their only desire is to survive no matter what. They lose all pride and respect.

2. Ten years, they're only two little words, but those years were very long to live through.

3. You tame a dog with food, and you can raise a man with money. But no one can tame a wolf of Mibu.

4. Only one thing stirs my emotion. Aku. Soku. Zan. For the sake of my justice alone!

5. "A man who cannot uphold his beliefs is pathetic in this world or the next."

6. Do not get angry... Few have the strength to risk death for the pride and respect that humans deserve. Because you do not need pride or respect just to stay alive…

and its quite weird that after i read quote no. 6 i went out of my office and saw this old lady on wheelchair wanting to go into the disabled bathroom. The volunteer taking care of her was a gentleman so he was at his wits end... as soon as he saw me he grabbed me and asked me to take the lady into the bathroom... As i was lacking in any proper care training I had a terrible time even pushing the wheelchair beyond the door... after wheeling the chair in, the lady, the volunteer and the receptionists outside the door all insist i stay in the bathroom with the lady, looking over her going to the toilet...
then quote no. 6 just jumped into my head and I felt rather sorry for the old lady who had to have me looking over her going to toilet. sometimes old age reali means u not only lose ur privacy, but ur pride and respect as well... As one declines in the aging process, its just a continuous lowering of ur living standard till all u care is to stay alive.
as i wheel her out because i was too distressed about handling the wheelchair... I din even remember to let her wash her hands. Pathetic, reali pathetic.. just because she is old she has to be so poorly cared by someone irresponsible like me..
Saitou-sama was right... few have the strength to fight for pride and respect although we all love to say we can fight for it... if reali sooner or later we r going to lose it all.. wats the point now valuing pride and other people's respect so much, even to the point of getting depressed over the lack of it?

Back

Ah, its a pleasant feeling to be back.
but to be honest i dun seem to have anything interesting to say about my trip... it is also my home and i dun go sightseeing or get excited about anything i see.
bought quite a number of jap series, as well as "yi dao", the story of this korean doctor...
so if anyone wants to borrow any please ask me.

Going...

Dear all
i am hiding the comments sections on my blog for the timebeing.... (sif lots of u comment anyway...lol)
when i am back in china i hope i don't have to worry about the state of this blog and wat ppl say on it which may offend others...
surely will allow them to reappear once i am back.
any grievances feel free to email me.
Otherwise an early Merry Christmas to everyone!
God bless!

Ulysses

Saw bits of Ulysses by Lord Tennyson from The Dante Club...
reali loved it... found the whole poem:

Ulysses
It little profits that an idle king,
By this still hearth, among these barren crags,
Matched with and aged wife, I mete and dole
Unequal laws unto a savage race,
That hoard, and sleep, and feed, and know not me.
I cannot rest from travel: I will drink
Life to the lees: all times I have enjoyed
Greatly, have suffered greatly, both with those
That loved me, and alone; on shore, and when
Through scudding drifts the rainy Hyades
Vexed the dim sea: I am become a name;
For always roaming with a hungry heart
Much have I seen and known; cities of men
And manners, climates, councils, governments,
Myself not least, but honoured of them all;
And drunk delight of battle with my peers,
Far on the ringing plains of windy Troy.
I am a part of all that I have met;
Yet all experience is an arch wherethrough
Gleams that untravelled world, whose margin fades
For ever and for ever when I move.
How dull it is to pause, to make an end,
To rust unburnished, not to shine in use!
As though to breathe were life. Life piled on life
Were all too little, and of one to me
Little remains: but every hour is saved
From that eternal silence, something more,
A bringer of new things; and vile it were
For some three suns to store and hoard myself,
And this grey spirit yearning in desire
To follow knowledge like a sinking star,
Beyond the utmost bound of human thought.

This is my son, mine own Telemachus,
To whom I leave the sceptre and the isle -
Well-loved of me, discerning to fulfil
This labour, by slow prudence to make mild
A rugged people, and through soft degrees
Subdue them to the useful and the good.
Most blameless is he, centred in the sphere
Of common duties, decent not to fail
In offices of tenderness, and pay
Meet adoration to my household gods,
When I am gone. He works his work, I mine.

There lies the port; the vessel puffs her sail:
There gloom the dark broad seas. My mariners,
Souls that have toiled, and wrought, and thought with me -
That ever with a frolic welcome took
The thunder and the sunshine, and opposed
Free hearts, free foreheads -you and I are old;
Old age hath yet his honour and his toil;
Death closes all: but something ere the end,

Some work of noble note, may yet be done,
Not unbecoming men that strove with Gods.
The lights begin to twinkle from the rocks:
The long day wanes: the slow moon climbs: the deep
Moans round with many voices. Come, my friends,
'Tis not too late to seek a newer world.
Push off, and sitting well in order smite
The sounding furrows; for my purpose holds
To sail beyond the sunset, and the baths
Of all the western stars, until I die.
It may be that the gulfs will wash us down:
It may be we shall touch the Happy Isles,
And see the great Achilles, whom we knew.
Though much is taken, much abides; and though
We are not now that strength which in old days
Moved earth and heaven; that which we are, we are;
One equal temper of heroic hearts,
Made weak by time and fate, but strong in will
To strive, to seek, to find, and not to yield.

"that which we are, we are:
one equal temper of heroic hearts,
made weak by time and fate, but strong in will
to strive, to seek, to find, and not to yield"
absolutely beautiful!

Tea jellies

was looking around at shops in box hill yesterday, and bought a packet of tea jellies....
Sooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo....................... nice...
one is oolong tea and one is green tea... with a sweet plum inside the jelly...
never before had any nibbling food so nice...
and the packaging is reali reali beautiful too... remind me of cherry blossoms...
now seriously can't have enough of them...

green

ha... finally some time to breath...
sense of accomplishment is just...good....
and managed to move my xanga chinese blog all the way to msn spaces now...
and just want to say i fell in love with green in the past few weeks.. normally i would go for black or grey or blue or watever..
but no... this time it is green, and reali green.
even made my qq skin green as well.
if interested please visit: http://spaces.msn.com/members/Halconnen
and thanx to all my wonderful concerning friends...
I am much better now... and yes I do eat full meals 3 meals a day.
even chao said I eat more than him for breakfast. ^0^

A morning ED episode

wasn't feeling too well last nite, and slept poorly thruout the nite.. this morning woke up feeling slightly better and thought i better go into research again... didn't realise what will happen.
when i was on the tram just felt very nauseous and dizzy.. collapsed on the tram floor, ppl was all gathering over... then in my half conscious state realised that i am at my stop... jumped up from the floor and got off the tram, only to collapse for a second time... this time reali greyed out for a while...
when i woke up again i saw heaps of ppl crowding over me... and then I saw fei fei kneeling beside me.. and i was like.. this must be a dream... then i realised it wasn't... as i become oriented again.. someone called an ambulance( which is just from RMH around the corner so very convenient) then as we were waiting for ambulance this surgeon who goes to work in rmh saw me and started to ask me some questions, after 1 minute of questioning he said i sound fine and went to work.
when ambulance came from just around the corner, 2 ladies came around to check my bp... found it was low as usual... but they said i looked fine and ambulance drove back while they walked me to the emergency department. feifei was helping me with my bags and everyone else who kindly stayed with me went to uni..
had a thorough neuro exam plus lots of bp plus an ecg performed for me in ED... found that i had nothing... so i was discharged. then came straight to radiology department to meet supervisor.. feeling quite ok now.
not anything bad or disastrous... quite interesting actually.
Fainting and then lying on the ground with rmh on ur left hand side and the melb uni med building on ur right hand side do attract lots of attention... and do ensure i receive the best immediately care. (someone i thought was even attempting first aid on me... only to discover that i was actually breathing)
and with rmh just one minute from u u noe watever u have, there is nothing to worry about.

some reflections

autumn seems a good season for reflection... as you can tell its spring now and not autumn, but i sometimes almost feel that deep down i still operate according to a chinese calendar with chinese seasons...
finished my intensive trip to slamdunk land... still one more scene to write for my story yet i know its already ok for me to pull out of it, i no longer need my full concentration within the story itself to conjure up something. so yes after a not at all unwelcoming holiday I am happy to announce that I am back to the real world and enjoying real frnds' company.
Was inspired by angel several weeks ago when she was reading portrait of a lady, that i decided to dig up my own washington square, which i read several pages in yr 8 and then decided to give up out of pure boredom. really not bad at all, from the lines u can just really see human cruelty expressed in the subtlest ways...
Was considering buying Daniel Deronda for quite a while after watching the bbc series. among the female victorian writers i find George Eliot's perspective of life most profound and realistic. Gaskell has lots of wisdom and known of human joys, yet is much better at creating feel good comedies than expressing the inner parts of human thoughts. for the Bronte sisters i always have a strong dislike for their novels really lack the basic elements of a convincing story, rather insensitive and conceptual, and always in the end attempt to paste a seemingly happy ending of true love found, which is reali unconvincing and pathetic.
this morning went on a little search for some websites i used to frequent in high school... not websites for anyone's taste reali for me in my high school days was really into the culture of yaoiness.
just want to see what becomes of those sites, what is left there in the memory, and also reflect on how far i have walked from there since then, what i was lacking then which made me really into them the first place, and what I have found since that helped me to get rid of the habit completely.

saw sumthing 2day

saw a new stall in box hill today after returning from anatomy. chinese ppl again, selling little ornaments and pendants etc...
there are sum famous chinese knots (i am sure some of u noe wat i mean, those red thingy ppl usually hang in their cars)
there is one knot with a crucification hanging from it... and the price tag is labelled, same as the rest of them: fengshui. $3.00
good, maybe the fengshui masters can now use crosses as a new power gadget.
its quite sad to see the cross being misused in such ways.

on a side note, i saw rev huang 2day at box hill as well. When he saw me i was just walking out of a lollie shop... holding 4 chupa-chups in my hand... with a very big, very contented and very retarded grin on my face...
Kind of embarrassing... he must be wondering about my age...
the chupa chups weren't even for myself... why was i smiling like that?
*sigh*

Lumbar puncture

yesterday had a dream that someone performed a lumbar puncture on me...
very scary... cos the sensation was so vivid... feeling like something is being pulled out of my spine... not exactly painful... but i still have phantom memory of the pressure that was on my spine from the dream.
haven't looked at much medical related stuff these days... and no reason that out of all things i would remember lumbar puncture.
whats happening?
still giving me chills up my spine...

北宋的士大夫

很喜歡北宋的幾位名臣﹐倒不是他們有多麼才華橫溢﹐以文治天下。
而是他們很有人情味。
不僅流傳下很多他們幼年的經歷傳為佳話（如司馬光砸缸─這位先生後來可是權傾一時的名臣﹐再後來編寫了留芳百世的資治通鑒）幾位大人的愛情詩詞也是流傳至今的佳作。小時候吃鹹菜薄粥的範仲淹範大人還有一首幽默至極的牢騷詩。
絕對不是死板﹐與生活脫節的道學先生們。

下面貼一首王安石的詞﹐很喜歡:

千秋歲引
別館寒砧，孤城畫角，一派秋聲入寥廓。
東歸燕從海上去，南來雁向沙頭落。
楚台風，庚樓月，宛如昨。
無奈被些名利縛！無奈被他情耽擱！
可惜風流總閑卻！
當初謾留華表語，而今誤我秦樓約。
夢闌時，酒醒后，思量著。

我們年少無憂時

The many of us spent 10 hrs at wan's house yesterday...
a casual but very very fun 21st..
the guys loaded their cardboard body kit on wan's family wagon. and then all of us decorated the bonnet into a colourful piece of artwork.. filled with messages and photos.
Then wan drove andrew, wei, brian, and ken on a ride in his cardboard car.. with a luggage named jeremy loaded at the back.
The boys were waving to all the passing cars and bicycles and ppl standing around... and did gd for the traffic for making most cars slowing down in shock... LOL
And wan's mum cooked more for us... Steph made pink fairy floss for all of us with her fairy floss machine.
Wan made a very touching speech in front of his bday cake, then around midnite, each one of the law ppl went d&m and made a speech for wan as well...
當我們老去﹐我們依舊會記得這曾經的一天﹐記得我們年少無憂時。

Remembering Marie A.

Haven't blogged for a while, but finally found some time today. Friday morning is pretty much my full-on not working only playing around day. (other days not much work done either... just not so full-on having fun)
Being quite busy this week... due to some unpleasant problems. But i guess when one aspect of things goes too disastrous u naturally go into a self-protective mode and tune out majorly on that part and won't think much about it. It isn't a bad thing to do when u seriously don't have a solution to the problem.
Writing is really good medicine. when i sit in front of my story my brain can almost shun away everything else and just concentrate on that. Wish I can do that with my actual uni work...
so yes added another approx 10000 words to it.. now the count is 82000 something... i hav a feeling it will reach 100000...
i guess it reali helps me to make the decision that i won't abandon writing in my life in the future...
how did it start?
to be honest i think it really started from this blog... for once i realised that the many thoughts in my brain actually sound interesting if i put them down.. and ppl actually want to read it... and that i hardly ever lose enthusiasm on it... one of the very very few things in life that i can actually perservere...
so yes finally sent the 1st 5 chapters to a website, posted the 1st chapter on a discussion forum... if interested u can check my chinese blog sometime soon... mite post it there as well...
very silly slamdunk story.. but i love it... i think its reali cool.
but i know my skill is quite poor..... so for quality reading, i will recommend a masterpiece I read this week. So touched in the end... growing up can be this beautiful.
its also a slamdunk fanfic.. but you can just read it as a growing up story.
titled Marie Marie
can read it here:
http://post.baidu.com/f?kz=26290281
or here:
http://www.52sd.com/dispbbs.asp?boardID=49&ID=2686&page=1

because of the story, i went online and searched madly for Bertolt Brecht's poems... then can't find it... and then the next day went up all the way to Baillieu second floor's dusty shelfs to get the poetry collection from 1976...
and there it is, the beautiful poem:

Remembering Marie A.

It was a day in that blue month September
Silent beneath a plum tree's slender shade
I held her there, my love so pale and silent
As if she were a dream that must not fade.
Above us in the shining summer heaven
There was a cloud my eyes dwelt long upon
It was quite white and very high above us
Then I looked up, and found that it had gone.

And since that day so many moons, in silence
Have swum across the sky and gone below.
The plum trees surely have been chopped for firewood
And if you ask, how does that love seem now?
I must admit: I really can't remember
And yet I know what you are trying to say.
But what her face was like I know no longer
I only know: I kissed it on that day.

As for the kiss, I'd long ago forgot it
But for the cloud that floated in the sky
I know that still, and shall for ever know it
It was quite white and moved in very high.
It may be that the plum trees still are blooming
That woman's seventh child may now be there
And yet that cloud had only bloomed for minutes
When i looked up, it vanished on the air.

From My Utmost for His Highest

Yes one of my rare moments of overwhelming enthusiasm to blog...
not realli, just that have long wanted to post up some bits of My Utmost For His Highest.
Still some pages r so deep and profound that when i read it i get reali lost, but i won't give up trying. and wat i can already understand i post up and share.

The Conditions of Discipleship
If the closest relationship of life clash with the claims of Jesus Christ,He says it must be instant obedience to Himself. Discipleship means personal, passionate devotion to a Person, our Lord Jesus Christ. There is a difference between devotion to a Person and devotion to principles or to a cause. Our Lord never proclaimed a cause;He proclaimed personal devotion to Himself. To be a disciple is to be a devoted love-slave of the Lord Jesus. Many of us who call ourselves Christians are not devoted to Jesus Christ. No man on earth has this passionate love to the Lord Jesus unless the Holy Ghost has imparted it to him.We may admire Him, we may respect Him and reverence Him, but we cannot love Him. The only Lover of the Lord Jesus is the Holy Ghost, and He sheds abroad the very love of God in our hearts. Whenever the Holy Ghost sees a chance of glorifying Just, He will take your heart, your nerves, your whole personality, and simply make you blaze and glow with devotion to Jesus Christ.
The Christian life is stamped by "moral spontaneous originality",consequently the disciple is open to the same charge that Jesus Christ was, viz.,that of inconsistency.But Jesus Christ was always consistent to God, and the Christian must be consistent to the life of the Son of God in him, not consistent to hard and fast creeds. Men pour themselves in to creeds, and God has to blast them out of their prejudices before they can become devoted to Jesus Christ.

21st and weddings

perhaps i do hav an obsession with weddings...
seems now every 21st i go or get invited to i tend to associate it with a wedding...
got an invitation to something in Golden Pebble.. the reason why i said something is that also i am sure it is a 21st, i keep on thinking that its actually a wedding... yes Golden Pebble(i am sure some of u remember golden pebble... someone at church last yr had wedding dinner there) LOL
and yesterday went to brian's 21st... the chandeliers and finger food and drinks remind me again of a wedding... especially since kat was wearing a sari... *sweat*
I must be hallucinating... really hallucinating...
just like how sally can dream about yi qiu getting married... (hahahahaha)
but to be serious when would most if not all ur frnds feel obliged to gather together for you apart from a 21st, wedding, or a funeral?
so after a 21st... ppl either gather for ur wedding... or ur funeral.
assuming most of us wil get married.. still that would be the last time U SEE most of ur frnds gather for u.
depressing thoughts yeh?
i remember wat chris wrote on my 21st card: u think ur life is going to reach higher peaks? think again! its all downhill from now onwards...
(now ppl already 21 are all nodding in agreement.. and those not yet 21 r prob staring at me in horror... all freaked out. )

Just kidding.............. ^0^ LOL

In memory: Buzzer Beater

Buzzer beater is made into an anime! *lets open a champagne bottle to celebrate*
The first time i read Buzzer Beater I was fourteen.
i was really touched by the story... so simple, so random but so real... the choice Hideoyoshi made in the very end.
when i was 14 15, almost laughable, but most manga i read made an impact on my life, made me laugh or cry,made me into what kind of person i would become.
now nothing seems to be able to make such an impact...
but i was glad for it... reali glad for those priceless brain food i had. ^0^
Just want to celebrate a manga now coming to a much wider audience!!!!
anyone interested abt yn's anime craze can find buzzer beater online here.
http://www.itplanning.co.jp/bbch.html

post forum, story, My Utmost for His Highest

well... in rmh atm...
something interesting happened recently is that i am now one of the masters in a chinese posting forum...
on Slamdunk... (everyone: sif anything else!)
wat we do? posting up comments and stories and pictures of our fav characters... then everyone else drool all over it...LOL
mainly bc i am now almost 9-5 on the net... and the mac i use has safari not IE and therefore no msn... (unlike hc, dora, and etc etc who r always online....lol)
trying to study some anatomy... hopefully i can... lol
still prizing my fav "manga book".
my story is going well. although i hav the fear that it may go longer and longer and i wil hav to cut stuff down... perhaps i will post up a chapter or sth on my chinese blog sumday... just so u guys won't think i am just making it up and reading hentai instead..... wahahahahahaha...
writing a long story it really feels like....... bringing up a child...lots of effort and stress... but the joy of seeing it grow is mammoth...
and reading My Utmost for His Highest by oswald chambers again. First time i read it is in first year... just knew its a good spiritual book.. but at the time... din reali understand most of the stuff...
but now reading again... found so many inspiring words...
maybe wait til i get home and post up some inspiring paragraphs! *grin*
(tiff........ have u read the copy i gave to u yet? *sniff*)
^0^ have a great day!

Manga

My friends....
drew me a book of manga as a 21st bday present....
i am really really shocked and touched....
You guys r so awesome......
spent soooooooooooooooo much time and effort on it... especially irene-san... *sob*
and ken and andrew can even draw reali nice slamdunk pictures... wow.. never knew before.
*yn still in shocked and excited haze*

and yeh... started reading Bleach last friday... using fast rmh computers.
good manga r so few while the bad ones r everywhere. always feeling reluctant to read any new mangas(especially long popular ones in fear of being disappointed) since i am always in such attitude: this one is popular? r u sure its good? i better it is no match for Slamdunk or Rurouni Kenshin... i will just go back to those to get my enjoyment and not waste time on the new ones...
so yeh read a few new mangas last month or so... none too interesting... discontinued after mostly one volume i would say for the vast majority...
but Bleach is not bad... although absolutely no match for slamdunk or rurouni kenshin... but at least i didn't give it up without a second glance. much like a tough version of fruit basket,and rips off the shinsengumi culture as well...
But its reali not bad.
Anything for me to want to continue reading is not bad.

Before 21

The other day i realised that a big burden on my heart is gone, gone without me noticing... and suddenly realised that although i thought myself to be obsessive,我居然是個拿得起放得下的人呢﹗start to have sum good impression of myself now...LOL
the nite before i turned 20 i was lamenting my past youth... and dreading the ever faster aging process..
much more calm about 21 now... wisdom do increase with age as they say.
so would love to use this opportunity to look at my life, and count my blessings:
I know of the wonderful creator. He loves me despite all my doubts, grumbles, and negligence. My thoughts may change, my attitude may change, my personality may change, i may doubt i may get angry... but i won't leave this place just cos He is the Rock of eternity and i am certain of that.
I had scare of leukemia, i had scare of breast cancer.. but i am still well and sound, except for a little low bp problem... I will live and not waste away this gift of good health.
being a great passive misanthropist... i am still astonished at the blessing of so many friends i have around me... who gave me great company, great fun and laughter, and gave me insight into ur lives, and most importantly, that whatever direction i fall, i know there wil be pairs of hands to support me.
I have a pen that can draw, may be far from enuf of earning me a living... but i am still able to draw cartoon pics of friends, to see smiles upon their faces.
I have a pen that can write, prob not enuf to live on,but enuf for me to put down my imagination in logical readeable order... and i can finish 50000 words in one month...then post it for a post forum of ppl to read, to be inspired... for misrepresented ideas to be portray in an accurate true light, for His truth to be told to people in a way most acceptable to them.
everytime i count my blessings i am always struck with the doubt that if i value my blessings, does it mean when they r taken away i wil be upset?
I probably will... if my health, my friends, my ability to read and write and draw are gone... i probably would find it really really hard to accept with a good grace and be thankful to God...
but i will not be afraid of my own weaknesses, i trust in the days ahead, He will teach me and equip me more for His work, whether by trials or by blessings.

我依然會遲疑﹐依然會焦慮﹐依然會發火﹐但是我會一直走過去。

怨念

Went to donate blood 2day.... and got chucked out by ppl.... cos i hav hepatitis................................wahahahahahahahaha.....
Just that my blood pressure is shockingly low... diastolic only 47.... and they r scared that i would faint after they stab me...
2moro the booking is all full... next wk prob can't... sigh..........
and i binge ate and drank over the wkend just for this.............. *rolling on the floor sobbing*
grumble grumble grumble...
and should check my blood pressure more often....
怨念z

Drowning in formaldehyde

i never consider cadavers as something unpleasant.... and my appetite for dinner usually increase after dissection...
not today...
dissected with angel today and had a body with an extremely bad odour.................. why it smelt so bad i had no idea, prob cos it has so much fat... *sigh*
and the worst thing is that my hayfever season, instead of spring, is annually in august... and i think for the past 2 wks i actually learnt to be sensitive to formaldehyde to sum degree...
so yeh standing with my face less than 10cm away from the cadaver.. my eyes were sore, my head is heavy.. and i felt the urge to go on a sneezing bout every 2 or 3 minutes... not pleasant..... seriously not pleasant...
fortunately has tutoring so left early... no more drowning in formaldehyde...

pathetic ads ppl

i think my blog is turning into a pathetic ads space............
if this happens again i will consider shutting it down and use sth else.

Misplaced Trust

read the RBC column first thing in the morning.... so true!!!
whenever i try hard at something, i feel that i would become increasingly dependent on the outcome of it... and i think it is dangerous, therefore i don't try at all...
wats the distinguishing line btw dependent and non-dependent? does complaining one sentence mean u r dependent? does saying its nothing while suppressing a fume inside meaning u r dependent?
Like wat we always say its the heart condition.. but do we reali understand wat we think and feel all the time? subconsciously u may already be dependent even when u feel otherwise.
i must confess i am far from the stage i can say that i depend on God and not my own thoughts, my own effort and people around me... no matter how many pretty words i can say... how much i can console other ppl about relying on Him..

Been Thinking About: Misplaced Trust

If God is good, but good isn’t God, how do we avoid making some of our worst mistakes with the best things in life?

In an effort to clarify the problem of misplaced trust, what if we said to our hearts: Love God, but don’t depend on your love for Him. Seek to know Him, but don’t rely on your own understanding. Make it your purpose to serve Him, but don’t ever imagine that He’s indebted to your service. Make it your objective to please Him, but don’t depend on your own efforts to do so.

Listen to your conscience, but don’t depend on your own ability to discern right from wrong. Plan your way, but don’t presume to know what’s ahead.

Seek good relationships, but don’t depend on good relationships. Try to find the company of wise people, but don’t stake your life on their counsel. Know the Word of God, but don’t make a god of your knowledge. Surround yourself with good teachers, but don’t idolize them. Feel sorrow for your sin, but don’t count on your sorrow to assure rightness with God.

Count your money and manage it well, but don’t suppose that any amount of money can secure safety or satisfaction. Establish budgets to discipline your use of resources, but don’t depend on your budgets. Work hard, but don’t depend on your work.

Sacrifice for the sake of others, but don’t depend on your sacrifice. Be generous, but don’t depend on your generosity. Seek to be self-disciplined, but don’t rely on your own self-discipline. Seek at all costs to be good, but don’t rely on your own goodness or godliness.

Be clever, but don’t depend on your cleverness. Seek to be wise, but don’t trust your wisdom. Try to understand yourself and others, but don’t lean on your own communication skills.

Be kind, but don’t rely on your kindness. Love others, but don’t be proud of your own love. Give gifts to others, but don’t depend on your gifts to accomplish the intent for which you gave them. Work hard to be a peacemaker, but don’t make peace into a god. Be faithful to others, but don’t rely on your own faithfulness.

Seek to be successful, but don’t bank on your own accomplishments. Try to be efficient, but don’t rely on your own efficiency. Be careful, but don’t depend on your own carefulness. Work to make good decisions, but don’t depend on your own decisions. Develop a strategy, but don’t count on your strategies. Set goals, but don’t depend on your goals. Define clear and measurable objectives, but don’t count on your objectives.

Pray, but don’t make an idol out of your prayers. Make worship a priority, but don’t depend on your worship. Know your spiritual gifts, but don’t pin your faith on them.

Entrust yourself to others, but don’t depend on others. Follow good leaders, but don’t depend on good leaders. Surround yourself with good advisors, but don’t rely on your advisors. Read good books, but don’t depend on books. Value friendships, but don’t depend on your friends. Be careful about your appearance, but don’t rely on good looks. Try to stay healthy, but don’t depend on your own efforts to be healthy. Enjoy rest, but don’t live for your weekends. Exercise your body, but don’t trust your exercise to assure well-being and health. Try to live a long life, but don’t count on a long life.

Enjoy good times, but don’t depend on good times. Be thankful for today’s provisions, but don’t lean on these provisions for tomorrow.

Value a good education, but don’t worship education. Learn from your mistakes, but don’t depend on what you’ve learned. Use technology, but don’t depend on technology. Invest your money wisely, but don’t count on your investments.

Try to think clearly, but don’t depend on your own thoughts. Try to reason logically, but don’t be conceited about your own thoughtfulness. Value your accomplishments, but don’t become puffed up over them.

Honor your parents, but don’t live for your parents’ approval. Love your children, but don’t make gods of them. Enjoy your grandchildren. Pray for them. Give them your love and example. But don’t tie your hopes and dreams to their choices.

Father, help us to hear You when You urge the wise not to trust in their wisdom, nor the strong to depend on their strength. Help us to hear You when You invite us to rely on this and this alone—that we know You, the everlasting God (Jeremiah 9:23-24). Teach us, Father, to trust what You have done for us through the undeserved provisions of Your Spirit, Your Son, and Your grace.

And help us to hear your servant when he lovingly writes, “The Son of God has come and has given us an understanding, that we may know Him who is true; and we are in Him who is true, in His Son Jesus Christ. This is the true God and eternal life. Little children, keep yourselves from idols” (1 John 5:20-21).

Ume.... and lamenting an aging cat

was walking back from library today and saw on the side of the road... a ume(aka plum blossom)tree blossomed.... was staring at it for a while almost transfixed...
its rare to see such a sight in australia... still remember the years i had in China when ppl are all obsessed and overboard with the "personified" quality of ume... of being unique, battling the adverse surroundings and offering beautiful flowers to ppl in cold winter days, that ume almost became a tool of lecture and propaganda and most of us i believe were turned off from ume since young...
when we write abt our fav flower we would never say ume...thinking its just so uncool...
but today when i am standing in front of that solitary tree.... see some budding... some blossoming... I just realised... how heavenly beautiful is ume... in the clean wintry air... just beyond words to describe!
walking along closer to home... i realised that was a fluffy ball stationary on a neighbour's fence... and realised its the abandoned old black cat well known in our neighbouhood.. now reali old... fur all puffed up, just lying there still not even bothering to move at the sound of footsteps...
remembering myself in yr 10 very obsessed with slamdunk... and doing my utmost to impersonate Rukawa...(who in one scene beckons a black cat) it was with such delight that i met face to face with that black cat one day... and practised my beckoning gesture on him... and for many days afterwards, not realising that the cat was abandoned by the owner thats why it was looming around in the streets.
5 yrs ago the cat was still young... just abandoned... still energetic, seeking love and attention....
5 yrs later he hardly cares. His eyes are cold and apathetic, with no self-pity nor sadness.

Get Happy--Dorothy the Dinosaur

Yesterday was making my way to home and just walking pass the big Dorothy the Dinosaur in Box Hill Centro... Suddenly realised how cute and adorable it it... that it brought a big smile upon my face...
its reali true that when we were small, we get happy by simple joys of seeing a big dinosaur, picking up some colourful flowers, eating a piece of dumpling... etc etc.. and as we become older and older... these things start to lose their appeals to us more and more... until we become so apathetic and their existences become to insignificant for us to notice or appreciate.
Life is full of troubles and trials... but that does not mean we should lose the ability to be happy, to appreciate the little beauties of life.
Yesterday 8 of us had a Christian gathering at Andrew's house... before i leave was reading the Bible... came upon 1 Corithians 15 from a new light:
15The spiritual man makes judgments about all things, but he himself is not subject to any man's judgment:
Just reali encouraged me that I am going to a gathering for God... and my parents, or anyone not believing can misunderstand if they want to... but I do not have to be subject to their judgements... cos the mystery of God's wonders they haven't experienced yet.
sense of freedom can sometimes come just so simply...

1939

Today did very little..... 4 out of the 5 fellow amsers left by 11:30am....but heard something from an IT technician thats reali interesting.....
he told me this radiologist would come in the technician office every tuesday afternoon for a few hrs to read films and write notes and comments.... then he asked me to guess what year did the radiologist graduate from uni of melb med school....
i couldn't know........ so he told me: 1939...... (not the yr he's born.... but the year he graduated.) And he said the guy comes in cos he doesn't want his brain to go rusty......
a 90sumthing old man coming to hospital EVERY tuesday afternoon to read films for the department..................................while a normal person may just vegetate out at home to enjoy the few yrs thats left of his/her old bones......
More inspiration for me to utilise my lazy youthful bones.......

925

From 2moro onwards i will be stepping into a happy 9to5 working person's lifestyle..... although when clinical reali comes.... the hrs may go more irregular... but definitely not shorter.... so yeh..... full-on working person from now on minus the financial rewards.
ppl always seem to marvel at a med student's idleness because of the unnecessarily long 6 yr course...... not realising that we actually farewell the idyllic uni lifestyle probably one of the earliest..
didn't reali realise this until friday when i went to see my supervisor then strolled casually to union house computer lab to read scanned mangas on the net..... that this is prob the last time i can be so relaxed and with so much freedom at hand...
oh well i guess a bit of discipline and routine can reali do my lazy bones much good.

hot chocolate on cold winter days

i prefer coffee so much more than chocolates.. except...
Yesterday went shopping with mum... and found something reali nice with delight! a set of suckao cups!!! exactly like wat u get in max brenner... the candle, the steel cup, the egg shaped cup warmer... and the very unique metal straw! i was so happy when i found it... spent an afternoon admiring them...
so got myself some choc chips.. and a cup of milk.... lit the candle... and there i was.. sitting freezing in my unheated room... yet warmed and amuzed drinking suckao at home.

a bit about me, and friends

i think i sometimes tend to depersonalise my blog posts... very little day to day experiences... little opinions about things... just writing to amuse an audience almost...
well... still working on the story atm... but since the high from the macdemia latte had today at Gloria Jeans hasn't worn off... decide to mite as well post something in English.
Met up with Carrie 2day... after half a yr not seeing each other almost... did nothing except sitting around and talk... FELT SO GOOD! almost as if back to the good old girl-school days... cracking stupid girl school jokes...refer to ppl in nicknames only we know... laughing and getting annoyed abt sad non-descript guys who had been annoying... almost felt like i am young and energetic again for some reason... by swapping silly trivial complaints as jokes almost...
has also been able to tell her about some of the grievances haven't reali shared with ppl.. seems so natural that she is told abt them... not so much as in she is the only person i felt comfortable to tell... or after thinking abt it so many time now at that moment it bursted out... just a very natural thing for me to say, for her to listen...
discussed a bit about church issues... seems that both of us will need to pray more about them and wait for God's work.
i just feel that the tight screw i put on myself since start of this year in order of self-control has finally unwinded a bit... able to express my emotions and thoughts comfortably without worry of causing any distress by anger or sadness going disproportionate.
just also made me think how much i relied on the group of "US" for support during my weakest days... how much they made me happy... how much word they said that made me so touched that i had to choke back tears... how secure and content and grateful i feel everyday in their presence, almost like my family to me.
very different feel... like one supports and one unwinds.. but without either i won't do...
after all the hardest bits had been through in this one... knowing there r always friends i can fall back on, its about time i can allow myself to slowly unwind and not be so tense about controlling myself.
And worse things may befall in the future... i guess i am always going towards being a bit more brave, a bit more firm, have a bit more strength, and of course a bit more faithful to God.

(got the idea of saying what i reali feel rather than thinking wats the point telling ppl...... a bit influenced after a conversation i had last nite.... a usually happy person admitting that he is not happy about things... kind of a triggering factor...
決定今後不要畏頭縮腦﹐不喜歡就是不喜歡。)

1st day, and a song

1st day of AMS... doesn't even feel like it apart from the ppl who are not here anymore. The 8 of us got chopped down to 4.... only the guys' gang formation and their carefree laughters made us feel that nothing much has changed.
last week added 10000 words or so to my story... sounds alot but 2000 words a day reali isn't much... hope i can reali resolve to continue and finish it for posting sometime.
b4 already wanted to separate a blog into chinese and english... but 2day prob going to break the rule... and post the lyrics of a song i reali like... 品冠's 門沒鎖. lyric actually quite normal love song stuff... yet the music has an unusally cheery, bright,even nonchalant tone... as if saying:
no need to make everythiing larger than life, 人生來來往往﹐有愛有恨﹐不過一首歌而已。
~門沒鎖~
品冠

扭開電視第二播
畫面一幅幅過
左耳跟著右耳閃躲
留眼睛獨自寂寞
門沒鎖進來坐
電話怎么沒響過

我削了一個苹果
只放著沒咬過
明明感覺你來吻我
卻怎么沒發生過
門沒鎖進來坐
連螞蟻也不放過

天都黑了你都沒來過沒來坐
戲都完了眼都沒眨過沒哭過
完美的劇情錯過
傷心戲份太多
太脆弱
連哼一聲都傷我

天都黑了誰都沒來過沒來坐
衣都挑了鞋都沒臟過沒走過
想要的戲也買錯
愛的人不愛我
太難過
我還能浪費多少個結果

in momentum

Today at donny pp didn't feel like anything cold.... so ordered a latte..... very strong one... and since haven't been drinking much coffee at home, the stimulant really gave me a high, which lasted till now...
farewelled alison before her trip to pommy land... the guys sang a reali sad and sweet song for her... i almost wanted them to stop singing cos it was reali making everyone sentimental and alison crying more...
got home and still on high... decided to decorate some 'romantic' fotos with my trial ulead photoimpact program which is expiring in 27 days...
spent one hr on 2 fotos. hope they r entertaining enuf. i certainly had fun.
and yeh good news that my story is back in momentum... has been delaying it so much this hols...... by pure laziness.. but once i started again... the joy of it is so great!!!