mental health awareness season

Masato-sama is playing a psychiatrist this spring season...
...but it was so bad I barely survived Ep 1... T_T

stereotypical stuff: meek and mild genius shrink + modern day saviour + martyr who does all kinds of psychotherapy in a sticky touchy feely way (incl. CBT DBT psychoanalysis EMDR just to name a few lol) in a department that otherwise only prescribes happy pills. There was this one imaginary scene in which he acted Jesus-like, happily shepherding different colours of sheep fluff balls on green pastures... -_-|||| *vomit bag*

brainless regressed characterisation aside i must say I always found something quite perverse about Masato-sama's meek and mild smile when it is only meant to be meek and mild. XD he's prob one of my fav jap actors, who has this amazing ability to do really explosive long monologues... eg. narcissistic verbose Komikado-sensei~ XD
but i always thought there is something even more...
that there is a certain mad streak in him...

his Okita Souji from When the Last Sword is Drawn has been my favourite in years out of all the various okita depictions. the scene where okita realised his days were numbered i've watched at least 10 times... even before this fan video was made... *faint* (btw Sato Koichi was not perfect as Saitou-san here but he did get Saitou's murderous streak right XD)



my other favourite was eccentric misunderstood ED physician Hayami-sensei from The Triumphant Return of Shogun Rouge... the bit where he gave this anti-psychiatry rant in front of some professional conduct board... loved it~ and the bit where he put lipstick on as a way to prepare himself for war with a severely under-resourced ED packed with patients... *faint some more*



never mind... i guess these days people much more prefer to watch him just being meek and mild then... :(

Gintama marathon during Easter week

my viral prodrome turned out not to be psychosomatic after all. I spent the week having intermittent sick leaves, eating jelly, abusing cold and flu tablets, watching Gintama and thinking about life...
....
....-_-|||||

 

The fact that in recent years I often get a dysthymia post trip back from my hometown is probably no news to anyone. apart from apparent factors such as the lack of facebook and blogspot and gmail and all sorts of other good stuff... there were probably much deeper and scarier issues...
...that after some time spent at where i came from i often felt like i was psychologically and spiritually back to square one...
that what was relevant to life was all karma and not at all God and grace and love...
despite more deliberate vigorous devotion time when I was there...
I think i used to be much better at insightlessly and conveniently merging all my beliefs into one hence never really seeing much of a problem.
but it's getting harder to fool myself these days, or maybe I am just becoming more compulsive.

Crying wolf

Alice has been trying to set up her own business for a while and recently told me she had an unpleasant business exchange with my old GP in an attempt to rent his clinic after he retired.
apparently he was really difficult to deal with and not happy for his clinic to be modified in any way including aircon and disabled toilets. (...i suspect a bit racist too probably thinking asians know nothing about architecture and will end up wrecking his beautiful clinic LOL)
but I was joyous and almost in tears. (sorry alice)
He's not dead!
anyways last year GP first left a phone message that he's gone for a knee surgery but planned to return to work but after a while the phone message was gone and after another little while a notice was put up at the clinic that he's now retired.
I think in my mind when I first heard the message I already interpreted "knee surgery" as a euphemism for terminal Ca or terminal organ failure or terminal late onset motor neuron disease or terminal whatever else...
and then interpreted "retirement" as a euphemism of him being dead... or if not dead, dying.
to be fair GP was getting on in years and he used to always forget what speciality I've chosen, ask me every time and scrunch up his already very scrunched up face every time in an exaggerated grimace when i told him i was doing psychiatry.
and i sniffled a little for quite some time last year, every time remembering his psychiatry-related grimace--
thinking he's already dead. T_T

and those friends whom i've misinformed about my GP of 15 years dying or dead or "retired in a bad way" and pressured into offering sympathy...
sorry guys I've cried wolf. (and this is clearly not the first time i was delusional like this about death and dying related issues -_-|||)

its comforting though, that now my last memory or imagination of my GP could be that he's indeed well and happily retired with many more years of longevity ahead of him--
along with the space and energy and mental capacity being difficult doing business with asians so that his beautiful clinic doesn't get wrecked with aircon and disabled toilets.

i thank God for every such moment, when my morbid delusions can get reality challenged like this.

It would be nice to eat jelly even when you are just psychosomatic

I've always been a bit self-conscious about watching anime over the years putting them almost in the same category as jelly/congee/soup--
things that are nice and slimy and effortless which I save for when i am sick and regressed.
but now i am slowly begin to think... these kinds of sustenance is actually still very important, not just when i am physically sick but for emotional unwellness management + prophylaxis too~

Hence time to follow Gintama season 4, coming soon on 8th of April.




Biblical nudity... and why the Easter story is very similar to a Gintama story (or vice versa)

(...am I running the risk of blaspheming?....hmmm...)

Mark 14:51-52 A young man, wearing nothing but a linen garment, was following Jesus. When they seized him,  he fled naked, leaving his garment behind.

celebrating Easter in the midst of Gintama marathon has probably made me flippant. I just couldn't stop laughing at gloomy solemn chapters of the gospel, especially above verses.
I can almost picture it as a scene from Gintama, nameless young man fleeing naked played by regular offenders (eg. Madao,  Isao Kondo etc). XD

in some ways the unfolding of events on the night before Jesus's crucification really had some brainless senseless Gintama flavour to it.
-disciples who kept dozing off during some critical situation just like the Yorozuya trio who kept on falling asleep even when they were teleported to an alternate space
-Peter's denial as silly as Kagura denying stealing food in the same breath as she munches away on her mouthful of mush/chocolate/whatever...
-soldiers bashing Jesus up and telling him to prophesize who bashed him... I can just imagine Shinsengumi (esp Okita) doing it to Katsura if they ever get hold of him...
(the last comparison is a bit disturbing...  @.@ I think i will stop.)

end of the day, I want to understand why is Gintama so comforting, despite its lack of convincing heros and noble deeds, and instead, endless random simplistic plot, vulgar humour and toilet jokes? and why do I look forward to each new season with such positivity?
-I KNOW that no character I got to know over the years really dies from this series. Main characters, villains, "others"--pet and robots included. No matter what misfortune befalls someone during one episode, i know without a second thought that the person will be well and alive in the next episode, without a physical or mental scar.
-people can be frankly human and flawed and embarrassing - picking noses, forcefully picking other people's noses, getting lazy about housework, being rude, fighting for food, bashing each other up, not paying rent, running away in cowardice from danger(naked sometimes), and yet at the end of an episode, all is well and something would have worked out and something shined.

I am not sure how much of what's good about Gintama can be echoed in the Easter story...
...that Jesus suffered a very miserable ordeal and died in humiliation but was promptly resurrected and had a victorious comeback, and because of this nothing was really lost or hurt or damaged from very ridiculous embarassing human behaviours including young man fleeing naked from the scene...
...that what made this story work out and shine in the end had very little to do with the very embarrassing actual players and how chaotic and vulgar and dark everything got on the scene, but someone bigger and greater than all this happening, just managed to make everything all right.  
...that none of the evil, toxicity, stupidity, sadness and despair on that terrible night, was final.

and we know everything's going to be all right. We know none of this terrible stuff was final.

I've been musing whether one day I can approach my faith with the same confidence as how I approach a Gintama story.
...feeling rest assured that everything's going to be all right at the end of the tunnel, not at some immense effort or terrible cost on my behalf.
...and just as I won't get anxious and sad about Gin-san or Toshi getting multiple stab wounds and looking like they were dying in battles (and write a complain letter to the author demanding to know why he let my favourite characters suffer unnecessarily), that I can also have the confidence that nothing bad in this life is final or have any lasting meaningful impact on the good ending in sight.

and because of above reasons I am less inclined to see Easter as a time to solemnly reflect on how sinful we are and what terrible impact we've had and how Jesus had to be crucified on the cross all because we are such bad people--
but instead, whether we are solemnly aware or not, we remain pathetic, embarrassing, senseless, not really right in the head--
and yet because of what happened during Easter, death, along with all our terrible behaviours, has lost its sting and that nothing, nothing from any of this fleeing-naked-from-the-scene ludicrosity, is final.

New song

Masha is wrapping up his decades of midnight dirty joke radio shows tomorrow... T_T
( i know... i had the 7 year itch... and forgot about his birthday this year...lolz but all good... still my fav star/inspiration/role model... :D)
maybe as a way to compensate his fans, he released a new single this week.
it is titled something along the lines of "living out your self like a flower that continues to blossom"... lol
see here for awesome fan translation...

i was really touched when i read why he discontinued his show...
he basically admitted that not dozing off in the shows has become increasingly more difficult over recent years and thought he was getting old and no longer fit for midnight dirty joke shows...

and in his new lyrics:
Though there are people who help me and try to understand me
why is it that I am still so unable to expose my vulnerable side?
this stupid interfering thing called pride


...can you please not get it right and hit the nail on the head every single time? (T_T)
Arigatou for always making the effort despite your stupid interfering pride though...
that's enough light for me to shuffle my feet forward on gloomy paths--
and with a bit more confidence--
that growing older but wiser is not mere wishful thinking.

let's see how long this link will last:



I found the Mockingbird articles this week particularly challenging... to the point that I actually thought twice before i compulsively shared them on FB... reading them in my post-SH-visit-viral-prodrome(psychosomatic or not) from inconsiderate fob uncles with productive coughs on return flight (and everywhere else) prob didn't help, but let me remind myself to revisit those later.

No Hands Are Clean But Christ’s: Phil Klay’s Redeployment
The Theology of Everything: Jane and Stephen Hawking Head to the Cross

The next person

some time last week as i was going through a patient's records I ran into a clinical entry from a couple of years ago, made by my dead colleague. It was neat, typed, succinct, to the point and done at 7.30 in the evening as part of his routine business hour duties. After reading it I felt really unwell for days. I guess i don't really want to use the word "sad" for what was stirred by those notes, as that would have implied that there was something altruistic and empathetic going on, either of which I am not too sure if I had. it was likely just some weird form of self-pitying and existential crisis...nothing to do with the poor colleague who was known to stay back late all the time to make his work perfect.(I just love having a go at myself don't I?)

Interpretation of elusive feelings of unwellness aside, on that day when I first saw the entry and felt most unwell I drove impulsively all the way to Koorong after work to pick up two commentaries for Ecclesiastes (for some existential solace T_T) and got mistaken for a theology student (which may have implied that i still appeared somewhat pious... and young. quite liked that. XD)

Interesting thoughts came up in this existential solace seeking pursuit...

3 chapters into the one I picked up and read first (the one with the nicer cover lol) what the author said came as a shock and really disturbed me:

The Preacher believes in God, of course, and even mentions him by name, but he made his spiritual quest without God's help. Solomon once said that "the fear of the Lord is the beginning of knowledge". But what role did godly fear play here in Ecclesiastes? The Preacher did not pray. He did not consult Scripture. Instead he was off and running on his quest for knowledge without ever stopping to consider the majesty of God. He was probing "into the depth of matters by his unaided and unenlightened reason apart from any disclosures of truth that God has granted to man."

I think I had to rub my eyes in disbelief and really wondered why someone who hold such a view about this book would then go on to write a full commentary about it. (and this particular commentary was apparently written for pastors and Bible teachers... *chills*)

the one with the less nice cover (lol more) however was much more respectful and tolerant of apparent inconsistencies (and addressed the shock horror problem above):

What is disconcerting, however, is that confusion about the book's basic message may dissuade preachers and teachers from bringing its theology to bear on the life of the church. Or perhaps more problematic, ill-informed or even reckless interpretation of the book - that which expects a certain kind of cohesion, or expects only certain things from biblical authors - could do more damage than simply avoiding the book altogether.

I think every human more or less would go through one of such moments in our lives, stirred by what we read, seen, heard, experienced:
--that intensely scary feeling of "what really separates me from that person next?"
what separates me from that colleague who had ocpd traits and invested too much in his work and had too high expectations for self and others and probably one day just couldn't take it anymore?
what separates me from that young cancer patient who was so traumatised by her cancer diagnosis and turned to alternative therapy for false promises and hope and then turned around dishing out the same deception to others and died a miserable death in the end?
what separates me from the Preacher who sounded so depressed and saw everything under the sun as meaningless despite being a follower of God with great wisdom?

the knee-jerk reactions, are indeed, the often desperate (and self-important) attempts to find-embellish-make up things we think that will definitely separate us from the next person.
and keep us safe.
i can prioritise and manage my time so much better than my colleague. I know what's important and whats not. I am smarter.
i am much more educated to be lured by alternative therapy crap. i only trust evidence based medicine. I am smarter.
i make sure I go on my spiritual quest being attuned the whole time to God's will. I pray and I read the scriptures. I consider the majesty of God. my insights are more God given and more enlightened. I am smarter(in a Godly way too).
have we ever paused to pounder the possibilities that in essence we are really no different to that next person? that our primitive needs and desires are the same, and so are our anguishes, downfalls and sins? that we more or less all hate the feelings that we have been dealt tough blows by life, and hold fantasies that somehow there is a way out of it by our hard work keeping up good enough images of ourselves? and that no matter how much we yearn and reach out for God's perfection, our existence at least in this life is still very much, day in and day out, "under the sun" just like the Preacher?

It will be uncomfortable, scary, even humiliating to sit with such possibilities.
but we have to endure the pain of sitting with them.
only then will we stop attacking others, in our desperate attempts to build some effort-based security -- to prove that in some ways we are better, smarter, more Godly than the next person and we will not come to demise as he/she did.

so.... am still on my search for some existential solace... T_T though, impulsive retail therapy whether with more overt materialistic gains or from a Christian bookstore invariably has consequences...

the delusions of being good enough

1.There are meaningful lines even in crappy dramas

I don't think i want to watch Ep 2 of this drama after Ep 1 but...

 

above translates as (i think):
I don't even like myself. What then does that make you who like me?
i think the line really appropriately describes the essence of my current fav topic -- one's lack of love for oneself.
(sorry about bad screen captures~ XD I still find Kyoko Fukada very pretty.)

2.From perfection to being good enough

there is a widely known psychological principle of "being good enough". ie. if you don't hold an unrealistic ideal of perfection but just aiming to be good enough then things usually turn out better and you will be spared of emotional distresses...(something along those lines...)
nowadays though i don't think many people would hold the delusion that they are "perfect" or even be aiming for perfection. in fact, many of us often feel rather comfortable acknowledging our known deficits with good grace and humour.
while we can honestly acknowledge we are really not great in many aspects of life--
there will always, always be certain other areas in which we feel we are good enough--adequate---more than adequate--better than the majority etc.
We take pride in these things, no matter how humble we appear on the surface, or how realistically we think we still fall short of "perfection" in those aspects of life.
and the more "good enough" we think we are, the harder we strive to be better at them, which makes it more the easier to avoid addressing areas where our true deficits lie.
in such situations, we often think we are "doing the right thing".

list a few examples:
- missionary pioneer sensed lifelong calling and did awesome work for the advancement of the word of God in woop woop land while grossly neglected his wife and children his entire life
- poet or artist devoted their energy to the noble sake of art, with their children struggling in perpetual disadvantaged environment of poverty and hunger and disarray
- family (or church ministry) oriented professional setting priorities right and getting complimented for that, while doing the bare minimum at work, unloading responsibilities and projecting anxieties onto colleagues and underlings.
- OCPD work oriented person who believe in "the man is nothing and his work is everything" working extra hard day in day out and gets complimented for that while neglecting the need to have a life (as they are not good at it)
- shrink who thinks the call is to master the skills of observation and analysis of the human condition from a certain safe (aka professional) distance while ignoring the importance of establishing genuine human relationships which is almost entirely a diff skill.

those of you who know me will prob find the last couple of dot points sounding rather familiar~ XD

3. Being good enough and being loved

i find the concept of being "good enough" rather dubious. Enough for what? for whom? after all it is much of an expectation from self or others as what perfection is, and just as much, an effort-based approach to life. many times i also suspect it is a euphemism for a higher expectation of some kind of all-rounded perfectionism...
(this article highly amuses me. talking about delusions of unrealistic ideals...)
and i will now get to the hard bit: even if say our impression/standard/belief of being good enough is literally just "being good enough"--
at some stages in our lives, we will invariably fail even that.
i think in many of our minds, we do feel we need to be "good enough" in some ways, in order to be worthy of love.
but there will be that moment in your life, you look at yourself in dismay, wondering why you have allowed whatever happened to have happened, despite you being so good at it, and loathe yourself.
yes, we are now not good enough. For ourselves, for others, or both.
and then we try hard to fix the problem, internalising or externalising it, and we do/think/believe in all sorts of horrible things in advertent/inadvertent conscious/subconscious ways, in order to justify that we are indeed... still... worthy of love.
and when we can't really pull it through, we get depressed/anxious/low self-esteem/comfort eating (you know the rest...)
classic example would be the Cluster Bs - who lie/act out/hurt others/being bad in their desperate attempts to project their badness onto others so that they themselves can keep their fragile beliefs that they are still good enough, and hence worthy of love from others.
the horror however goes on, amongst the rest of us, in much more subtle ways perhaps.

and I think the inevitable human aging process is the best reminder that not only there is no road to perfection by human effort, but even our good enoughs will one day inevitably fail.
we have all seen various degrees of adaptive/maladaptive coping in ourselves and others on the spectrum of difficulty accepting this.

despite often being sabotaged by religiosity, the essence of the Christian faith is indeed the breaking down of this automatic faulty link between being good enough to being good enough for love.
we not only fail at God's perfect standard of perfection. we also fail at our own imperfect standard of good enoughs.
and us being loved, consistently and unconditionally, has nothing to do with our good enoughs or our failures at those, and everything to do with Jesus, and the cross.
Love has nothing to do with worthiness, or good enoughs.
Which includes how nice and meek you are to people, how self-disciplined you are in private life, how enthusiastically you serve at church, how passionately you delivered a sermon/bible study, how much of a good witness you've been at your workplace, how profound your understanding of theological principles are...
and the same goes, even if you fail at any or all of the above areas--
Love is still there, not one bit less.
and quite frankly, I am still struggling to believe and accept that, not only with my head, daily.

it wouldn't be right to claim these ideas as my own. I hijacked from many, and only in the past week, these couple of Mockingbird articles really moved me forward and allowed me to process my thoughts to this point.
Ash Wednesday
Not ideas about love but the thing itself

4. Now going insightless and tangential...

on a much lighter note i went to this last night with Sally and really really enjoyed it. the satisfaction from the realisation that i can now spend my hard-earned money on such beautiful matters of life (instead of useless masters program fees/exam fees/exam prep course fees/re-sitting exam fees if failing) was so great i almost started to suspect whether it was inappropriate/over-indulgent/sinful...

and as i am currently trying to find a cell group to join i do wonder if there happens to be one around thats not too caucasian but literature/museum/gallery/concert/opera/ballet loving...(please let me know!) LOL yes i know, i actually want a hobby/activity group and am paying no attention to importances of godliness blah blah (and racist too -_-|||)... but, as i cannot think of a single time in my life when i did things/wanted things without a self-seeking motive component, i guess i will just be straightforward and frank about it.

Silence

powerful words from this article once again came to mind:


...Apparently patients were brought before the piece in order to meditate on it as they died. The brothers were a quiet order, so no explanations were provided. There was no awkward chatter, no ‘sharing’, no halfhearted attempts to piously let God off the hook. There was just silence.


from Existential Modesty and the Death of Brittany Maynard


it has been a long week, in which I have witnessed too much awkward chatter, unhelpful "sharing", compulsive explanations, and half hearted attempts to be helpful or more so, to prove that one has been helpful in whatever words or actions one has administered.


...while I think what would have helped the most, is really just a bit of silence.


RIP


another colleague.

emotional salvation, and related other end of year musings

I am saving the sharing of this post till last just because it is so good... I've lost count how many times I nodded to the candid words throughout the article...

Lonely Ladies and Distracted Dudes

after a few years in the shrinkage I can certainly testify to such universal yearnings and the overall unsatisfactory nature of human relationships, witnessing misery to the point of despair with the lack of magic in general life and hence the inability for many to become "undepressed", ladies or dudes, single or partnered or married, nuclear family or extended, none spared. (gosh, do I really need to be so bleak?)

having spilled such harsh words, I guess it would be unfair if I do not admit to my own longstanding isolation and desperation, which annually more or less get a little bit worse over Christmas, and i more or less deal with it by taking up extra shifts on the seemingly altruistic ground that whoever has somewhere to go to celebrate Christmas should be given every opportunity to do so.

Christmas gatherings certainly do not fix existential problems as mentioned above... on the other hand, as "normal" human relationships more often than not end up unsatisfactory, many decide to then make their shrinks responsible for their emotional salvation.
this lands us in between a rock and a hard place.
we not only have our own isolation and desperation to deal with, there are also now these mission impossibles, and often, the pretence of emotional salvation when there is no such a thing, in order to keep people alive.
and fear in the most morbid kind of sense... that despite there be no surprise that sooner or later we fail, the consequences of our failures are often too dire.

my psychotherapist says a famous line year after year:
After every holiday i come back to be punished by my patients for having had a good time.

every time i hear him saying it thinking this is also going to be the story of my life to some extent for the rest of my life----

well, work in progress.
when i don't meltdown about such things anymore, maybe i will then be ready to become a consultant.

but yeh, in the meantime, everyone try a bit harder to tolerate your negative emotions a bit better.
and love yourselves a little bit more. :D
We can only try.

this weekend I did something I've been wanting to do for a little while -- reading Ecclesiastes in its entirety.
very different to reading it in snippets during daily devotions.
it made me laugh, and cry. gosh i loved the endless rant about meaninglessness, and found it very meaningful.

Happy 2015.

Sat morning rant

Just want to have a rant, and lets not make a rant more grandiose than what it is~ :P

I managed to sleep in this morning. can't remember the last time when this happened. the past few months have just been assessment after assessment of various kinds (most belong to some useless compulsory masters program), slotted in the middle of endless difficult patients, pathological team dynamics and occasional long on calls with unnecessary tedious jobs.

now, with that one last exam out of the way (which I didnt actually study for but which nevertheless still stressed me out), i think my chronic endorphin surge is finally coming down.

ever since that time my boss unknowingly commented that all religions are fantasies of the prolongation of life and "opiates of the masses" and I slammed the table and told him out of spite (in much more superficially meek and mild ways...lol)that I am actually religious, I've been waiting in some ill-founded paranoid fears that I will get persecuted at work for my beliefs.

I got my mid rotation feedback the other day and boss said:
You take on lots of responsibilities but know your own limitations at the same time. I hope all my registrars can work like that.

T_T...
more T_T....
very stoked.(and not persecuted at all) i think people are more gracious and professional than i've imagined them to be.
...though i have given myself bigger shoes to fill in the next few months... now without the endorphin surge. *chills* -_-||||

Here is a really good Sat morning reading. Grace in a Strip Bar Mark Galli is as sharp as usual.
and this will prob lead on to another shrinky rant.

I find "love your neighbour as yourself" a very misunderstood saying.
Contrary to popular beliefs, it is not a call to "love your neighbour more than yourself", nor is it "love your neighbour, and neglect loving yourself".
It operates on the condition that when you are capable of loving yourself, and then you are capable of loving your neighbours.

Most of us, sadly, don't love ourselves, and don't really have a clue how to.
The fact that we don't really love ourselves is a really really difficult thing to confront.
Self-seeking pursuits and manipulation for affection from others - stem not from a love of one's self, but from an incapability to do so.
Because I cannot convince myself that I am worthy of my own love, hence I rely heavily upon external evidences that I am loved by others, and in the temporary absence of which, I fall to pieces.

When we treat ourselves with contempt and a lack of love, we likely will treat our neighbours in the same way, as we wouldn't know any better.

In order to follow the first part of the command of loving your neighbour, the second part of loving yourself, cannot be dismissed.
Which I personally think, is the much harder part of the command.

well, enough shrinky stuff for a morning.
and I still haven't found the motivation or courage to clean out my chinese writing site.
what a pain. >.<

hard pressed on every side

tough day at work, difficult patient been difficult for months, exhausted, got unloaded with everybody else's anger + anxiety for decisions not made by me.

feeling hard pressed on every side, narcissistic injury +++, got home and thought i will go and check out my old writing site and see if any additional reader/comments to comfort myself.

...site got hacked, random inappropriate stuff added, then got locked.
now i don't even know how to retrieve my old stories and other ppl's comments etc...

now really hard pressed on every side.

欲哭无泪...T_T

well, listening to a nice chinese song to keep myself sane in this madness... more T_T...

the psychology of the unmerciful servant

i haven't been writing for a little while. in the meantime i've turned 30 (but sadly haven't mellowed out and in fact maybe even getting a bit worse -_-|||) and passed my exam. anyways, i've been wanting to write about this for some time now. I still cringe a bit when I think I am putting down something which will sound like "I know what is going on", and especially "I know what's going on from the Bible"... 囧 but now is probably a good time to spill things out...I think.

I remember a long time ago when I first read the parable of the unmerciful servant I thought the actions of servant really MADE LOTS OF SENSE. for years I was too embarrassed to admit it. after all I don't want disclosure that I am a ridiculously stone hearted unmerciful person myself... @.@

only this year I slowly started to understand why I thought he made so much sense, being on the receiving end of some very pragmatic gestures of mercy. for me I think why the unmerciful servant did what he did comes down to an inability to believe that he has well and truly been at the receiving end of mercy.
Just taking the parable on its own I am also in utter disbelief that the servant's debt has actually been cancelled by his master. Things too good to be true as a rule are not true.
how many times have the authority figures in our lives said one thing and did (or wanted) another? how many times have they in a moment of grandiosity did something nice only to change minds later?
and thinking about Asian parents who actually expect a payback of monstrous scale when they make any gestures of apparent mercy... all very unspoken and nebulous... and much more frightening.

out of disbelief, naturally he still wholeheartedly operated from his outdated end of the bargain.
"i will pay back everything."
with even more urgency.

despite not saying it, maybe paying back everything is what my master really is saying.
maybe thats what he really wanted.
maybe that will please him more.

it is extremely difficult to undo the automatic thoughts, most of which belongs to the subconscious realm. but the problem goes further than this.

the hope placed in something that is so beyond our control, and something that we are completely undeserving of, the subjection of ourselves to a state of utter powerlessness in front of our masters...
will make this a very very frightening experience.
With every hope there comes a possibility that the hope will be shattered and replaced by despair. The more this hope matters, the darker this despair will be, and the more intolerable the pain and fear thinking about it. The more one tries to deny and suppress the thoughts about such a possibility, the more it will come back to haunt us.
Coming from an unloved upbringing, and daily surviving in unloving environments, will make this battle, again, much harder to fight.

over the years i have heard numerous sermons on this parable that went along the lines of "you ungrateful bastards the punishment is coming unless you now put in the hard work and do ABCDE " in less crude and more church appropriate language, but I think what the master did in this parable really not a case of "I will cancel your debt on the following terms and conditions" but that "i have cancelled your debt unconditionally and now you do likewise".
yes for some of you there maybe appear to be no difference between the two.
but instead of paying back, this is a call to pay forward.
I have loved you thus. Now go and love likewise.

This really is not about the beating of oneself for holding grudges and now going and forgiving everyone by sheer willpower as it is the right thing to do.
The crux of the matter is actually how much you can emotionally trust and hope in your master's good character and the fact that his unconditional love is actually love, and not a dubious manipulation of some kind?
To the point of realisation that you are so loved and valued that all kinds of grudges/debts pale into insignificance.

There is much more to rant about this story but I will prob stop here. I must admit I find the emotional aspect of trust and hope with consistency, instead of a mere intellectualisation, against the fear of despair, still the worst struggle I have daily.

something less shrinky next time~ :p

Buying Grace

my very own Yaegashi-san has given me another mission (i am not yet done with exam yet---T_T and why do I have to refer to God by such a name...?)

i have now encountered the most challenging patient so far in my career. she is fascinating, and she will be around for a little while. i approach her daily with almost a bit of reverence... i think i am so morbid with fear about what may potentially happen I've consciously and subconsciously been trying in all kinds of ways buying grace from her. in a sense i am glad i still have the exam, so that my absorption and ruminations are not entirely about her. Just the day after i so positively reflected about speculating much less whether God will allow this and that happen for my future, i've since regressed to daily speculating about someone else's future and how much i will be held responsible for it.

i have so far prided myself in my ability to contain various dependence tendencies, but this time round, i am literally counting down the days to when i can have another session with my psychotherapist. just can't wait for an external ear to hear this story and give me some guidance. all this... while my own consultant is already one of the best in clinical judgements and taking responsibilities.

It takes that constant stepping back reminding myself of who's really in control... and that His grace couldn't be bought, and needn't be bought.
and yet, always, always, much more easily said than done.

This is wilderness for me. dears, please kindly pray.

Many monsters

watching Sugimura's stories I invariably end up curling up in a ball a bit. He fortunately is usually on during my pre-exam periods so my curling-up-into-a-ballness conveniently goes unnocticed. This time though, i managed to localise the problem by ep 3, I should be pleased with myself.

It's not an easy job, but I hope i can learn whatever I need from his sharp insights about human toxicity without taking on his overwhelming sense of helplessness.
*nod*
anyways, the paintings currently hanging in Sleeping Lotus are:

La Tour's The Cheat with the Ace of Clubs

 

William Blake's The red Dragon and the Woman clothed with the Sun

 

 

There is a line by Sugimura in ep 6 which almost startled me:

 

If you want to live life as a decent human being, then you won't be able to bear such heavy burdens. One day you will want to tell the truth. A lie always gets exposed, and a human can never be so strong to hold onto it. No matter what kind of Peter you are, Jesus always turns and looks straight at you. That is why we are not able to tolerate lies. Maybe some people don't sense Jesus next to them, and some others don't think they need Jesus at all--those people are probably in a true sense--fearless.

 

Amazed that such words can appear in a secular drama/book.

 

on a side note, i am all over the place these days with exam prep. professional knowledge poor, and too conscious of my speech all the time hence not going too well. work is intense too. i really wonder where i will be in a month time.

Given how things are going these days i seriously don't know, and probably am speculating much less, which is a good thing.



Peter's Funeral Procession

Saburo Sugimura-san is back.

 

I didn't expect him to return so quickly. After all the book was only out end of last year. My fingers still quiver a little thinking about how much "Somebody?" and "Nameless Poison" managed to mobilise in me last year. I really don't expect anything less from this sequel. Most interestingly it also has a Biblical theme this time round... As Sugimura and his wife stood in front of the Rembrandt and recounted the familiar story of Peter denying Christ, I really wondered how this story is going to unfold, and how it will come back to echo Peter's denial...

very very very intrigued... but as there is not yet a chinese translation to the book, I can't flip through the pages and find out the ending and now have to sit tight for the weekly episode in my impatient agitation... XD

on a more honest and uncomfortable note, i think i identify with Sugimura a lot... that despite being loved and blessed in many ways the awkward senses of being somewhat misfits where we are still linger on. not to say with our super sensitive antennas to the poisons of this world, despite coming across as meek and mild (and also very much wanting to be meek and mild) the things we think and say sometimes would utterly chill people to the bones no matter how nicely we put them...

so... let's do it again. back on the road of more self-discovery.
this time...a bit less frightened though, of the poisons around me, and of my own.

immensely touching ending theme, well suited.

The Grand Budapest Hotel... and related memories

so... i am still not good with english-speaking movies, but wasn't able to resist this one. XD before i plunged right into the sea of jap dramas and films and not making any plans to turn back, some of those familar actor names did manage to lay down some really fond memories.

when the lead actor is Ralph Fiennes i think i automatically expected something much richer and darker with much more depth... *sob* and then it turns out to be really nothing more than something that can be summarised as some good guy from the east declaring "my non-fickle heart longs for the west when i am in the west and although i've admired it for a lifetime i still very much don't get it"

... 囧

...and then some random writer and reader come along and get randomly excited. and then it turns out to be a random tribute to Stefan Zweig.（i will reserve my opinion on Zweig and his nostalgia. ）

anyways the not very inspiring movie aside... i did enjoy seeing the familiar faces, esp Ed Norton. i don't actually follow his movies cos i find half of his characters are really disturbing stuff and i don't really have the stomach for them... -_-|||||

but every time seeing him on screen brings back the fondest memories of Kingdom of Heaven and King Baldwin IV. Its been almost 10 years, but this quote of his I still love to bits. Now that I am a bit older, perhaps more so in its entirety:

＂When I was sixteen, I won a great victory. I felt in that moment I would live to be a hundred. Now I know I shall not see thirty. None of us know our end, really, or what hand will guide us there. A king may move a man, a father may claim a son, but that man can also move himself, and only then does that man truly begin his own game. Remember that howsoever you are played or by whom, your soul is in your keeping alone, even though those who presume to play you be kings or men of power. When you stand before God, you cannot say, "But I was told by others to do thus," or that virtue was not convenient at the time. This will not suffice. Remember that. ＂

I will remember that.

Sayonara Masha

Been thinking about this for a while now... (told you this is the 7 year itch~ lol)

Putting this in psychological terms is probably simpler, I no longer need Masha to serve the purpose of a psychological "mother", with all his acknowledgement of life's hardship.
I can be my own internal mother now in this regard.

There is still much to appreciate in what he said though. he recently commented about the lyrics of his new song:

After you write "you are not entirely powerless", the next line usually follows will be "the sun that brings us hope, will rise again".
but the sun is there, not really just for us.
when we say those are our rays of hope, it is just wishful thinking.
there is no way that the sun will just rise to bring us hope.
if you feel hopeful as you see sunrise, that's because you already have hope in your heart.
hence we need to try harder, with our own strength, stand on our two feet.

so brilliant.
but can i just say with your hyperrealistic views how did you manage to become a pop star in the first place??? T_T

It feels really good, to know that after 6 years, i've finally learnt what I need to learn from you.

And whatever you do, how many new songs you write, how many dirty jokes you crack during your radio show, whoever you marry, whether you end up breeding little mashas or not--
这世上有你真好。

now, i've been wondering what else i should do...
have been contemplating writing a fanfic again... OD... and Okita-san again. (and i want to do osces in Sep, gosh i think i must be going mad...)
last time i wrote something for her was 4 yrs ago... now my thoughts and perspectives are much different, i am kind of thrilled to know how she will turn out this time.
i think one day i will get to say goodbye to her too.

and end of the day, fanfics are always like playing with another person's imaginary friends. i do hope one day i can get to properly play with my own.
they have indeed come back... after losing them so often in the past year to the point i gave up wanting to actively call them back. after all unless i get an ABI, they can't be gone for good.

(the topic is going to get more psychotic, you might need to call the CATT team for me. :D)
my major imaginary friend has been vague for a couple of years now, while the minor ones one by one got sharpened with richness and clarity. I guess it was no surprise. for a long time he was conveniently the typical comic book hero who was silly and brainless on the surface but always ended up getting everything right.
then it became obvious i am really not interested to write about someone who gets everything right. and the question became: what could he have been?

i am understanding him a little bit more now, his command of his extraordinary powers, but also him confused and fearful, facing his own end.
i've been musing for years, why he compiled a book promoting filial piety, but then chose to die a lonely death, thousands of miles away from all his family. i think i am finally beginning to get it, but there is still much work to do.
and his best bits are not from my imagination but what came straight from the historical records - a friend of his recorded what he said to him during their catch-up, shortly before his last days.

"When I was young I used to place great values in friendships. Every time I leave a friend I would always feel sad for days. In recent years I came across some Buddhist sutras, and realised that Buddhists treat these emotions lightly. I have thus been trying my best to control my emotions in this aspect. Today saying goodbye to you, I somehow cannot suppress the sadness and longing from you leaving. There is really nothing I can do about it!"

yep, you are quite right. There is nothing you can do about it.
And there is nothing you should do about it.

i am more touched now reading these words comparing to when i first came across them 8 or 9 years ago. it's a loud slap, on the thousands of years of apathy ingrained in people's hearts by Buddhist and traditional Chinese philosophies.

700 years on, we still are fighting the same battles. we like to think we have moved on far and beyond, but we still are.

This is all starting to sound a bit quixotic. I guess i am still afraid that whatever i write now will not do the historical he any justice, hence all the ranting.
I still wait on Him to release my powers re: this.

Wendy It's You

watched this awesome drama this week. I will prob call it "Mosca", cos i dont know what its real name is (literal translation is "The Fly Woman in Love"). Going by the poster and the name... really not something i would watch for its own sake... -_-||||

but because this time watching OD and realising the actor who played Shinjo-sama was so good, I've been curiously exploring his other shows, and came across this one. (don't even know his name... let me check...Toshio Kakei...now i will remember *nod*)

it turned out to be the most touching drama i've watched in years. and its short, only 6 30min episodes but really carefully thought through. i seriously recommend it, esp watch it around the 29/30 year old mark, it recharges you.

SPOILERS AHEAD: over the years terminal illness dramas have become so vulgar i dont even want to hear about them. this one however made me cry for the whole of the last episode (even after reading the massive spoiler before I started)... and then burst out into laughter in the last 5min, and entirely not because the sadness of the story was denied or cast aside, very impressed.

and it did a parody of Masha which was hilarious~  i think thats one reason why i really identified with 小守絵美 but more her experiences too...

end of the day, i also was pulled from an insightless and silently despairing state, likened to the brink of death, back into life.
and God did the pulling, which made it infinitely awesome.

like the ending theme too, but more importantly, after this show, I won't be able to look at Nandos in the same way again... LOL

the last little bit about Sherlock... and Frozen, and morbid dreams

Why does fate play such tricks with poor, helpless worms? I never hear of such a case as this that I do not think of Baxter's words, and say, 'There, but for the grace of God, goes Sherlock Holmes.'.

I've read Sherlock ever since I was a kid, but it took me such a long while to realize he actually said this.
How very lovely! reminds me of James 4:15.
as to the contemporary godless cluster B bores... you are really not very cool in comparison.

now, I finally watched Frozen recently.
I really don't know what to say about those "church" accusations about it promoting yuri, and this other Christian article I read literally went into a panic and warned "letting it go like Elsa is dangerous!" and called audience to model themselves more on Anna's bravery and demonstration of love.

to be quite honest I don't know if the author has any insight that Anna also is the type of girl who's easy to spot in church, who loves and falls out of love passionately and brings a new boyfriend to service every 3 months and to the aunties' horrors it then turns out that a couple of them have never been Christians... then the gossips and feigned concerns start and before long people are plotting in what kind of longwinded passive ways they can get her to read a copy of "I kissed dating goodbye" because everyone is worried about the way how she's going...

I find the story so simply and deeply psychological if not spiritual. and if church leaders are thick enough to not use it to their advantages, well, tough luck. I truly think, the fact that Elsa and her song have been so popular is really because---
the concealment of our darker sides is well and truly a universal issue.
seriously you really don't need to be yuri to identify with it... -__-|||| it's more of a problem that some of us get stirred a little bit, but like to think we are all fixed and not concealing anything. in fact we just hide the dark stuff deeper, and attribute "let it go" to yuri or other kinds of inappropriateness.
No, just, not relevant to ourselves.

what is ironic though, is the fact that when Elsa sang "Let it go", she wasn't letting it go at all. Instead, she ran from the prisons others built for her only to establish a bigger prison of her own. Her initial letting go was but a sham.
Only later, her true liberation came about.
That first step, that desire to "let it go", however, was an essential step to this process.

I guess I only have myself to reflect upon. ever since the start of camhs middle last year the crumbling of external strongholds that  has previous held me has not stopped, and the rapidity of the process esp in the last couple of months has been beyond expectation. I've been feeling rather homeless, and stranded at sea. Lately I've been frightened to sleep as my frequent nightmares all had some sort of a morbid quality to it. yesterday I was staring at an XR of an elderly who swallowed a light bulb out of spite for everyone and the day before I was enthusiastically inviting my dead colleague to join us for study group... @.@
its like I've somehow switched on a horror channel and couldn't find a way to switch it off...

but at the very same time, it just came to me a few days ago, that I no longer hold my longstanding morbid and bleak outlook about life...
for some mysterious reason, never before in my life have I felt so happy about being alive.
Now that really is something different.

so, everything is a bit funny at the moment. I think I am perhaps at the stage desperately trying to build my own stronghold after losing the old external ones (despite knowing logically I don't need to) and haven't really sunken in His perfect love to do otherwise yet.
But He has taken me on this journey, and I trust He will finish the work.
In the meantime, I most likely will still take wrong turns and make mistakes.
but He will take me there.
and because of that, I am happy to stare and not cringe at my insomnia and morbid dreams, till the day He restores my rest.

I will end with Mark Galli. there are bits and pieces in his email newsletters which are simply glowing...

"The idea is that the more we ponder our sin, the more grateful we'll be for grace. I wonder, though, if it doesn't work the other way around: The more we ponder God's grace, the more we'll grasp the depth and darkness of sin.

For one thing, we won't have the courage to peer into the darkness within until we're assured that no matter how black the cave, God's light will still shine. For another, it is the inconceivable and unexpected nature of grace that suggests something must have really gone wrong for God incarnate to die in order to fix it.  "

the man of mercy

amazed by this:
Sherlock Holmes and the Problem of Evil
never before imagined Sherlock Holmes can be linked with such a theological position... *感动*

i think the problem really has been - while i complained with fervour about the ridiculous contemporary parodies, i myself havent flipped open the original canon in years.
to the point that when i first saw this quote below again, my immediate thought was "huh? is Sherlock actually capable of this??" 囧

“What is the meaning of it, Watson?” said Holmes, solemnly, as he laid down the paper. “What object is served by this circle of misery and violence and fear? It must tend to some end, or else our universe is ruled by chance, which is unthinkable. But what end? There is the great standing perennial problem to which human reason is as far from an answer as ever.”

and i end up loving the rose quote even more.

“There is nothing in which deduction is so necessary as in religion,” said he, leaning with his back against the shutters. “It can be built up as an exact science by the reasoner. Our highest assurance of the goodness of Providence seems to me to rest in the flowers. All other things, our powers, our desires, our food, are really necessary for our existence in the first instance. But this rose is an extra. Its smell and its colour are an embellishment of life, not a condition of it. It is only goodness which gives extras, and so I say again that we have much to hope from the flowers.”

a really genuine merciful kind of guy isn't he?
SO NOT Cluster B. (and i so want to highlight this and make it into a poster and hang it on the wall of whoever came up with the contemporary parodies *speechless*)

maybe i shouldn't be so critical. i need to go back to the books and refresh my memory too. :(

Sweet Dreams

I had a meltdown last week. It started off as hearing that one of my discharged patients had a single vehicle accident.  that same night I dreamt of another patient jumping off from a high building and as he hit the ground his blood and brain mush splattered all over me.

the next day I was meant to review and discharge the very patient who appeared in my graphic nightmare. I totally chickened out and couldn't bring myself to work and hid at home bawling my eyes out about the imaginary blood and cerebral tissue. I was somewhat surprised at how much self loathing I was capable of. it was almost like--

if a patient of mine goes ahead doing something of a single vehicle accident or the like, I feel I myself have utterly and absolutely fallen out of His grace.
In such a moment, it is as if He's never been there, punishing me for something very very terrible.

If I had any bits or threads of my senses left this notion would have come across as plainly ridiculous, but no, rational thoughts were probably all out of the window. and then later with swollen eyes and dehydration I felt even more guilty about my lack of faith for not being able to get to work etc.

maybe to a certain extent I could have blamed rapid mental state deterioration in such contexts on anxious departmental high powers habitually acopic with any risk issues or adverse events, or angry family's incriminating and suspicious stares at the coroners court, or inter-hospital colleague frustrated at extra work later in the day and vented by demanding to know why a whole range of random unnecessary tests were not done at the patient's last admission, or Buddhist parents who subconsciously delight in such occurrences and see these as best examples of karma to prove to me that they are right and I am wrong...

but, end of the day, acopic high powers, suspicious family, hard-driven colleague and karma-loving parents are all but mere projections of myself and the ungodly burdens I've collected over the years. in a way I almost felt God wanted to say to me:
"you really think I don't know what kind of person you are?"

So, I go back to that old difficult question. Is it really God who has broken my bones, or in fact I have been sadistically breaking my own bones and pulling my own guts out, and blaming it on God?

it's still a battle. one day He will let me work it out. not pulling my guts out for it now.

I went back to revise my favourite show for the past week for recovery. in recent years i've been following the movie sequels but havent rewatched the original 97 series for a while now.
i think OD is really something one loves more and more as one grows older, when I first watched it I found it so boring! lol It really grew on my over time and now even the minor characters and baddies have become so loveable~ :D
now that i am of the same age as Aoshima, and understand a bit more of the word "organisation", i think it has just become more special in many ways.

Aoshima-san, when i was young i was grandiose and delusional and thought that when i get to your age i would never be so silly and immature like you. thought i was going to be wise and make the right choices and avoid all your unnecessary troubles. how wrong i was. I am really no better, and there is so much more i can learn from your fighting spirit.
and your "事故体质" really comforts me. good to know I am not the only one.

Mashita-san, your unintentional humour and juvenile sleaziness brighten up my days.

Dear Sumire-san, I got palpitations this time watching your repeated contemplation to quit being a police. indeed, this is all so awfully hard. i think i am somewhat seeing myself in you.
but i shall not be distressed about this. as you looked so happy eating your kimchi 2min noodles, i felt very happy too eating my own.

Dear Muroi-san, the older I get the more beauty i see in you.  your clear eyes and furrowed brows spoke a thousand words and more. and when you softly said the words "this is all my responsibility." i just dream that one day you can be my boss and teach me your ways. *hearts*

Shinjo-sama, I am much better with mental states now. you are really not mean and nasty, just repressed. all those awkward looks as you said mean things really spoke of I-really-feel-for-you-and-I-prob-feel-the-same-if-I-am-you-but-i-really-don't-know-how-to-get-my-empathy-across-so-i-am-just-going-to-be-harsh-and-get-you-angry-at-me-and-hope-you-will-suffer-less-next-time.(really gd acting!) I don't want you as my boss. looking at you from the side is awesome enough. XD

and dearest Superintendent Okita, you are still my dream and my cup of tea. its getting harder these days in my world to come across a girl in high position so smart and spirited, insisting her ways and facing up to her mistakes rather than superficial meekness and apathetic passive aggression. definitely would do anything if I can work for you and see your beautiful smile (or angry face) everyday. *faints*

Now, that's sweet dreams. ^_^
and i am still not sick of Yuji Oda's theme song.
When I hear this playing, everyday is Christmas Day.

your shade at your right hand

A little over a year ago, a one-time colleague of mine died, although I can't say I knew him well. He was older than I am, much older, and his tenure at the college where I teach had ended many years earlier. The psalm he wanted read at his funeral was 121...

--The Professor's Death Song by James Calvin Schaap

I've been reading my favourite story again. This time round, these opening lines have also taken on much more personal relevance for me.
I've already heard Psalm 121 once in a funeral. I wonder how many more times would I hear it being read again in funerals?
and, at the end of the day, would I want it read at my own?  (I know, I am being morbid again)
Strangely, every time I read this story again, there is something new I can take home.

I've been working amongst a much more elderly population lately and in many ways I am frequently reminded of the professor, of the fragility, the fall, the sweet disposition, of stoicism and mantras to make everyday a beautiful day.

In fact their histories are often so vague that they resemble obituaries. even the medical histories are hardly ever complete. As I tried hard to find out from that sweetly smiling elderly man sitting across the room why on earth could he have diminishing renal function and ongoing hematuria without a past history, his daughter called eureka:
"yes! i remember he had this thing with his kidneys 30 years ago..."
with my own diminishing medical knowledge I never managed to find out what that "thing" with his kidney was. His GP 30 years ago almost certainly have long rested in his grave. My patient had a transient expression of slight annoyance as he really couldn't understand why I made such a fuss of nothing as he was feeling fine and surely his kidneys shouldn't cause anybody else so much trouble...
then he went back to smiling sweetly at me.

I could not recall how many psych histories I took lately which contained the following lines "happy childhood and upbringing" "very good marriage" "supportive children". it is almost as if unless they grew up in an orphanage or the husband/wife committed suicide or the children have SCZ themselves--
such are the only appropriate and right things to say.
when they were not able to smile so sweetly I looked at them in their pitiable prostrate states, with outpouring of tears which spoke of intense emotional pain. They were often greatly anguished that they had no idea why they were crying so much. They also invariably felt the strong need to reiterate to me multiple times through their tears that "there is really nothing in my life that I should be depressed about"---and I watched on as my consultant dispensed amounts of benzos which I was not entirely comfortable with--
I think I felt a similar anger to that felt by Prof Schaap as he heard his colleague's obituary.
There was so much in their lives that needed to be said, and acknowledged, which wasn't.

Just as how Prof Schaap came to a turning point in his thoughts when he heard the funeral preacher read Eugene Peterson, In a similar way, I think the Lord also wanted me to hear something to soothe my anger after all. some time ago some thoughts from a 前辈's blog reminded me of how Jesus spoke about the return of the unclean spirits:

When an impure spirit comes out of a person, it goes through arid places seeking rest and does not find it. Then it says, ‘I will return to the house I left.’ When it arrives, it finds the house unoccupied, swept clean and put in order. Then it goes and takes with it seven other spirits more wicked than itself, and they go in and live there. And the final condition of that person is worse than the first. That is how it will be with this wicked generation.  -Matthew 12: 43-45

I do not wish to go into the links of spiritual evils with mental turmoils but here I am merely drawing a parallel of things frightfully similar.
I am just amused that throughout the ages, there probably has not been a shortage of busybodies like myself.
and that inappropriate unsurfacing/cleansing of deep buried secrets and pains at inappropriate times (esp with busybodies barging in and prodding around--) would have similar disastrous consequences.

This is very convicting for me, but at the same time, liberating.
then I remembered, what Prof Schaap was really trying to say...almost paradoxically, with this story about his colleague, the devil in the details, and the death song.

no, my own experiences need not be compulsively generalized to others and it is not my call of duty to go around shaking secrets out of my poor patients' aging bones.
I am to have the confidence that He will indeed watch over their struggles as they carry on their hard work of dying. their brokenness and woes may one day securely go down with them to their graves, and then, to Him.
and at the very same time, i am not to shrink away when i am called to play a part in anyone's unravelling, trusting that He has prepared me(and will continue to do so), personally and professionally, enough for whatever arduous journeys ahead.
but most importantly, that regardless where we are at, He is and will always be our shade at the right hand. He will keep us from all evils and preserve our lives, for the sun not to harm us by day, nor the moon by night.
How He fulfills these promises for all who come to Him, in this wicked generation, remains a beautiful profound mystery to me.

I finally memorized Psalm 121, on the train on my way to the coroners. Heightened agitation i think really helped me coming to terms of the sheer weight of these words.
Though I really pray that in this season I can rejoice in the Lord more as He has commanded. quoting Mark Galli, less of this Brothers-Karamazov-brooding-making-me-feel-I'm-being-profound-business~ lol (have a feeling tho it will not completely go)
and pray I do not need to hit another point of utter desperation like training in to the coroners to love His words enough to memorize them.

Psalm 121

I lift up my eyes to the mountains—
    where does my help come from?
My help comes from the Lord,
    the Maker of heaven and earth.

He will not let your foot slip—
    he who watches over you will not slumber;
indeed, he who watches over Israel
    will neither slumber nor sleep.

The Lord watches over you—
    the Lord is your shade at your right hand;
the sun will not harm you by day,
    nor the moon by night.

The Lord will keep you from all harm—
    he will watch over your life;
 the Lord will watch over your coming and going
    both now and forevermore.