I had a good party yesterday.
Very happy to see everyone, very happy to be the centre of attention, very happy to be hugging the black poo-ball soft toy while feeling loved by friends.
LO! Me and my shallow happiness.
Still I am glad of it. The only one time in a year I want to feel..."spoilt".
And guess what, I had it.
It was hard to imagine me, so content among friends at the party, the nite before had an over-the-top panic attack, couldn't go to sleep and was drowning myself in tears of self-pity and pathological fear for the future.
And especially scared that... with His impending tests and trials, I will surely fail and probably turn bitter.
yes a pretty grave acute-on-chronic circumstance triggered that unpleasant episode of insomnia, but reali did the circumstance MATTER?
If I am fully immersed in the love of God, would I still have feared?
If I have offered my life completely to God, would I still have sorrowfully pitied myself for my "misfortune"?
And if I have loved God enough, will I want to FAIL? I definitely will not be thinking "I will surely fail" even before the situation comes.
With 22 years old fast approaching in a few hours I have realised that I do desire God greatly and wanted to live my life His ways...
yet the desire for self-gratification still tags along at every opportunity looking for free rides.
Meaning God has more work to do with me, and I need to ask Him to really prepare my heart for it.
Today dear irene drove us to bendigo. After dinner she invited me to her room to watch John Bevere sermon DVD. Very good sermon that speaks to your heart.
What a wonderful way to end the 21st yr of my life!
I am looking forward to the equally blessed start of the 22nd yr of my life.^^ (looking at my watch now... LOL)
Thank you Lord, for everything, and I mean it.
