it is the time of the year when pressure is on me, and my body feels very out of control.
believe or not, i live daily with many ill-founded horrid thoughts. being the only child i have chronic fear of dying b4 my parents as well as my spinster aunt, thus won't be able to take care of them in their aging years.
last year when my body felt out of control, i lost trust in God... I knew He still existed, He was still in control of everything. but I dun believe He loved me, I thought He would either kill me off young because He wishes so, or prolong my life simply to marry me off to some miserable unattractive guy who has great emotional need so I could provide the "godly love" he needs.
My friends feel free to be horrified at this, i DID think so back then. (I myself feel horrified at such thoughts when i think back)
This year the same problem came back, the progression of it probably made me more fearful. Though I knew i could distract myself with various things and be in denial and forget about such problems, I knew when i start thinking or reading anything vaguely related to it, my paranoia would really set in.
Oh but is it a paranoia? the patient I interviewed some days ago had Parkinsons diagnosed in her 30s. But before her diagnosis, she was regarded, by many doctors, as a pure neurotic who made things up in her head.
So am I paranoid or not? I would only noe after I find out more about my physical conditions. Funny how my mental wellbeing is not determined by what I think, but by whether I have the actual physical illness or not.
Well saturday i will go and see my GP, I hope he could put some sense into me. And before that I will trust and not worry, still learning.
I really do not want to lose faith in God again because of my circumstances.
This morning I read 2 Corithians 1. A passage that never caught my eye before just moved me so much:
2 Corithians 1: 20-22 For no matter how many promises God has made, they are "yes" in Christ. And so through him the "Amen" is spoken by us to the glory of God. Now it is God who makes both us and you stand firm in Christ. He anointed us, set his seal of ownership on us, and put his Spirit in our hearts as a deposit, guaranteeing what is to come.
I will say the "Amen", and I believe I will be made firm.
help me to deal with my distress or my paranoia, later.
