I have realised wen i stop blogging I dont spend the time studying but do things even less constructive. I've been wanting to write this for a long time but my avolition has already escalated to a new high... >.<
So to be at least baseline constructive, i will try to at least update this everyday so hopefully i'd have spilled out everything i want to say by the end of the semester.
Language
I realised only recently that certain words in chinese can never be full translated into english and certain words in english can never be fully translated to chinese. "shock" is much more than "震惊", and "献身" is more than "sacrifice" or "devotion".
I have been thinking lately much about the word "幸福". It is more than "happiness", more than "wellbeing", more than "satisfaction"... there just seems to be a much more subjective feel and much stronger emotion attached to it.
irene on quite a few occasions has said that binge eating while watching TV always makes her feel 好幸福~
*深情呼唤Irene同学~~~~~*
Whenever i recall you saying this, I also feel 好幸福. =D
The love"s" of my life
One day i was re-watching Galileo for the Nth time and going starry eyes over Yukawa-sensei for the Nth time. My dad kindly commented on the side: its OOKKK, one day you will move on... Just remember how crazy you were about Slamdunk~ and now you have moved on~ blah blah blah~
well I guess I never told him that over the years I have written 300 000 words for slamdunk...
and hence I guess he will never know that I dont move on but only acculmulate...
If i tell him... I am sure he will become like this poor daddy in the picture :D
Transference
I still get much salvation cringe and sometimes horridly think how good it will be if Christian lives do not involve evangelism.
I know that i am weak and horrible and desperate and totally cannot handle pain. thats why I need God BAD...really BAD...
but i am in no position to force others to feel like me or to flash my weaknesses as some sort of spiritual superiority...
hence i fear, doubt, hesitate, and do not move.
The other day I looked at the clock and knelt down to pray and then looked at the clock again after praying: 2 minutes. o.O
I never prayed well and still dont pray well. For me to express thoughts into spontaneous spoken language has always been a difficult and tiring task. Apart from desperate circumstances when the pain of the situation itself became intolerable, not praying helped me to avoid thinking about the problems I face, the things I selfishly want, the things I fear to lose etc etc etc.
So i could avoid pain.
hence i fear, doubt, hesitate, and do not speak.
sometimes i wonder whats the difference between myself and that overwt hypertensive depressed pensioner sitting across me.
We both need to change things to be healthy and feel better.
yet we feel bad, and that stopped us from doing anything.
Can you keep a secret?
I am passively hostile. I do not easily overcome my fears. I find one subgroup of God's creation absolutely repulsive. I cannot love everyone the same, many people I dont love as Christ have loved me. I rather sit in isolation and turn my own imaginary world into words, than spend the time to talk and smile and be kind & warm to people.
Otaku Christians will find it easier to do daily Bible reading & devotions. Articulate Christians will find it easier to pray long touching prayers, to preach beautiful sermons, and to evangelise. Dependent Christians will find it easier to love and forgive, and head strong Christians will find it easier to stand firm in one's faith. Many times I have wished that I could have another's personality traits so that it will be much easier to be a good child of God, many times my own weaknesses have driven me mad...
i dont know when my own failures will cause too much harm to others, or be too much for myself to endure.
but let me cling again to those words of 2 Cor 12:9-10 :
But he said to me,"My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness."
Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me.
Grow up to be like you
It sounds absolutely retarded and disgusting for me to say such words at 24 years of age. LOL but such is my genuine feeling...LOL more...
if its retarded & disgusting then just let it be retarded & disgusting. :D
Masha has been doing many magazine interviews and again left a bucketful of genuine insightful words. One paragraph says:
Recently lots of people believed that they need to be constantly "in love".
Well I personally don't believe so.
Love which is always trying and always wiling to taste failure probably is...wonderful.
however, a love thats attained reluctantly is not a good thing.
When i was in my 20s i always thought that love and relationship were not necessities for me.
At that time, I would be thinking: hmm...I don't really want relationship badly... maybe I am really weird?...
At that time, even if I was on my own, I totally did not mind but rather enjoyed it.
I thought that days without "love", would allow my own life to become more fulfilled, which was very important for me.
And now... time on my own is still important.
But i do not want to be always on my own.
I used to be very scared of watching The Prophecies of Nostradamus.
Nowadays I find that, if i am still single when i become old--
it is even more scary. *Laughes*
Now I find masha's attitude in his 20s very agreeable.
but i will turn older and uglier, and when my heart grow wan and sallow, I will become desperate.
Maybe that time anyone will do as long as its a male.
maybe that time even the most repulsive will become my golden catch.
but maybe...I will still remain weird.
I hope when that day comes, I will remember how positive and honest Masha's words were.
and that I can be at least positive and honest about it like Masha.
and not use righteous noble selfless spirtual words to colour my own desperation or weaknesses.
Meanwhile I really hope for Masha to find a gf and get married soon and start a happy family and breed lots of little mashas. :D
Which reminds me.... there are talks that Maya Miki sama is in a stable relationship and is planning to get married soon.
*hearts* X 10
no surprise... she is still so pretty and attractive at 44~ of course she will be married soon! 
well i hope Maya Miki sama will start a happy family and breed lots of pretty healthy talented little maya mikis (though my medical instinct is rather worried..>.<) LOL
and i still hope I can be half as beautiful as Maya Miki sama when i am an aunty. *giggle*
I would rather die than to...
though i've always been so terrible at prayers, seeing words such as these could immediately shatter me and send me straight on my knees.
http://www.tianya.cn/publicforum/content/funinfo/1/1278800.shtml
It is rather sad and disturbing to see people feeling such hatred and anger towards something they know so little about.
However I really do not find it hard to understand and forgive and even identify with these people's emotions and thoughts.
On the contrary I turn livid with fury and still struggle to forgive those:
-who with a serious and self-righteous face said with absolute certainty that she doesnt believe there is a thing called mental illness.
-who articulately spoke uplifting emotionally charged words which really turned out to be saying that she believes that troubling insomnia is caused by rejection of God and Christians dont or shouldnt have such grievances.
i could not tolerate to see ppl after becoming Christians believe their own ignorance is God's truth and not even have basic respect and empathy for human suffering.
-__-||||| *just because u dont have it now... doesnt mean...
ok i should stop here. I DO do 10 times more terrible things than these good people.
and i live in constant fear that i will become like that without me knowing, on top of my already existent terribleness.
i enjoyed the psych patients in gp. I enjoyed more how my gp treated them not as an inferior species but equal people and her friends. I enjoyed the way how she spoke of them not with negativity or horrid fascination but with love and concern, even when they were not there.
Before the rotation started I lived in amused cynical anticipation of this definite terrible finish to my med student years. I expected five weeks of terribleness and actually received 5 weeks of blessings. despite my excessive pre-exam anxiety now i look back to it and can still say i enjoyed it. nowadays when i drive pass MGP... i feel warm and happy.
Thank you Lord, that was... really unexpected.
and...
No, if I ever become a GP, i dont have to die.
The First of Everything
I had my first car crash this year.
Mum sank into black fury for a few days. To her a crash should never never happen to a car she recently fixed and polished and etc.
I had my first operation (just dental stuff LOL) this year.
dad was horrified to see me vomiting by the sink because of pain. To him such things should never never happen to a overall healthy person.
Maybe despite my avolition, I have "achieved" a few things.
and maybe next year I will "achieve" more... with much pain and reluctance, and horrified expressions from parents.
for example: the first anaphylaxis i will cause~ the first metabolic alkalosis i will cause~ the first patient i will kill....
I am looking at myself horrified...now.
Songs
sometimes i wonder if i would want to go clubbing... if they play songs which i like.
eg. chitose hajime...
LOL that was just a joke. i mean even just Seamo, or Core of Soul.
Haruno Katami by Chitose Hajime always makes me feel touched...and emotional.
Love Somebody by Yuji Oda always makes me feel very Christmasy and cheerful no matter how gloomy my day is.
Ageha by Core of Soul always makes me feel positive and can always bring a smile to my face.
And YOU by Fukuyama Masaharu..
always makes me feel secure and comforted.
Maybe this paragraph will sound so much better... if i mention names of P&W songs.
But I will be honest.
Future
I have realised that I really didn't like med... for the past 6 years. I enjoyed my time spent here, i enjoyed the friends i made, i treasure all the memories of the 6 years and will always look back at them with fondness.
But I do not like medicine.
While ppl on blogs may talk here and there about exam topics, about interesting things they have learned, about progresses they have made, or just mention it as part of their daily lives--
I had not even the slightest interest and did not want to talk about anything medical.
It is rather depressing when I come to this realisation.
But I have to stay positive, at least for now and at least for next year.
And I will stay positive.
I will look forward to my future with Masha's words..again.
Masha who spoke so reasonably and insightfully about everything.
Masha who's not afraid to say that he's desperate.
Masha who lost sleep worrying over the popularity of his show and shared his fear with everyone.
Masha who admitted that he is overcautious and anxious about everything and needs to alway over-prepare before he goes into action.
To be able to pursue a career that you really like, is a very difficult thing.
but if you have strong & persistent willpower,
there will be opportunities for you to find something you really like.
Even if you can't find it, it shouldn't be too far away.
And no matter what kind of job it is, no matter whether it is suitable for you or not,
You can always enjoy your work, and make discoveries in what you do.
Thank you, you are one of those very rare people who convinced and inspired the negative fearful cynical me who distrust almost everything.
Looking forward to more encouraging words from you next year.
The End
I have been wondering. Should I finish off with Eaglewood Dust with the end of this blog?
I don't know.
These days I seem to not want to make any decisions, or take any responsibilities.
Maybe its just fearful anticipation of the future.
Regardless of it all, this is what I will trust.
My flesh and my heart may fail,
but God is the strength of my heart
and my portion forever.
And pray let me never lose this trust.
