growing post.
if i dont do this i will never feel motivated to write it all.
i thought about what name to give to this post. Maybe something like Retrospective Diary of a Despairing Aunty in Echuca will really do it justice, but... i wont i wont. Its too sad already even if i dont give it such a pathetic name.
In Retrospect
I am no longer suicidal, no longer in despair, but I am probably still depressed.
Even when I have a day with only 2 patients I am still depressed.
Depressed to the point that i dont want to watch any TV or movies on weekends in case they turned out to be bad and then it would be intended sleeping time all wasted.
Depressed to the point that I think I dont even love Masha anymore and I dont look forward to his new CD or his new "blog" entries or his 2010 taiga drama.
However---
I have stopped blurting out swearing words.
I have stopped sitting in my car and telling God: just make my car hit the next tree so i can die. surely you have enough people doing your work. i can't do it anymore. don't make me do it, just let me die.
I have stopped crying my eyes out in public. (lol this may have been said too early)
I have...kind of...looked forward again to God's promises.
I have found new joys in reading fob girly magazines and buying skin care products.
and I still can feel so happy when---
having a big fatty meal with irene;
gossiping with wei in half chinese about roundness;
seeing edmund smiling so kindly at met calls;
visiting my gp supervisor and secretly wanting to pinch her chubby daughter on the cheeks;
playing cards and eating junk food with meddies at wan's house.
Maybe I am not actually depressed. Its just still the slow process of ferritin + platlets going down after ASR.
I love God, but I am completely insightless!
when i heard stories about ppl who were embodiments of Christian faith i was always sceptical and suspected some major underlying dogginess going on in that person's life.
I never suspected dogginess in John Newton.
It surely turned out rather dodgy.
It really angered me why was I not told the truth to start off with.
Surely there is a difference between :
becoming an anti-slavery campaigner after conversion to Christianity;
becoming a slave ship master after conversion to Christianity, and over the course of next 20-30 years developed anti-slavery views.
John Newton is not dodgy. He is much more of a human figure to me now. I respect him more for the developing insight in such an insightless person to begin with.
And God is more amazing because of this.
But Christian articles or books (and especially children books) which evade the facts, deliberately or not, I am sorry I don't want to read a single word.
If i end up having kids, i would rather they read decameron than read such crap. If they get such crap for presents/prizes, i will throw them out. What a horrid shame if my kids end up mis-educating others about "John Newton" with ignorant Christian pride...*shudder*
A Small Step
I had a good wk after the above 2 stories.
Had a really busy take day, but surprisingly i enjoyed it. a lot of interesting patients with not entirely surgical issues, some indeed quite medical.
I have enjoyed a day of work, not because of psych, not because of the company.
just because of the patients and their medical issues waiting to be sorted out.
surprisingly so.
or maybe not so surprising given my "surprising" ability to work, in such sharp contrast to my passive unethusiastic reluctant-to-speak student years.
and maybe, surg is not going to result in mental breakdown as my lovely co-intern has so feared for me.
maybe surg can be therapeutic.
but I have not been good. I still so easily turn to where my comfort is.
