ok. let me vent about this in a sensible non-incriminating way. (hopefully... -_-||||)
damocle's sword managed to cause some injuries, but still, I guess I didn't expect to be injured in some of those sites.
it takes some self CBT to convince myself clothes shopping for the coroners court can still be enjoyable.
but thoughts about coroners court are really not the worst part.
I am having much paranoid thoughts about the high ups, and study has been so often interrupted and distracted by such ruminations.
despite thinking i understand their anxiety i still find the overspilling of it intolerable.
the mere thought that some untruth has been glaringly put down as my words after facts were clarified with deliberate effort (plus perhaps with the hope that I will also be scared/anxious enough to not mind such untruth and ok it?) was enough to make my fingers go tingling. (yes I know. I need some midazolam, or acuphase, but I would prefer being acuphased than having to ruminate about this massive external anxiety on top of my own.)
thinking bk to Masha's most inspirational words in such context make me want to slap myself:
"trust" does not equate "understanding". i personally believe, when I trust someone else, the responsibility entirely rests with me. It is I who wanted to trust you--you carry no responsibility. To me there is no such thing as "being betrayed", because I myself wanted and was willing to trust another person. When one starts to think one understands another, the thoughts of "being betrayed" would often arise. The presumption of "I understand you" is often the most frightening, whether it be between friends, colleagues, bf/gf, or family members...
maybe i really have no right to be hyperventilating about all this, i am the one doing this all wrong. sadly once inappropriate psychoanalyzing was done, it could not be easily undone.
well one day at a time.
let me trust that God who is watching over all this unfolding is the same God who blessed me with my college supervisor this rotation and watched over how much i enjoyed the hrly supervision each week with her.
supervisor: so what do you want to do?
me: i don't know...i am really not happy about this going through...but i mean...i know where they are coming from... i don't know if i can... *panicky verbigeration continued*
supervisor: tell them to change it.
words cannot convey the beauty of the moment. just what i needed. focus right bk on the most important.
you are too wise, too good.
and your jokes can make me laugh for days~ XD
when you are not my supervisor anymore i will miss you bad.
and just as getting a bargain for coroners court clothes during sales is still better than buying it some other time at miserable full price...
if i end up failing my exam because of rumination about this crap... i will feel worse.
so i must try, and trust God.
sequel
i want spicy fried food...
...feeling nauseous at the same time. -__-|||||
wkend intense exam prep course while sick is really not fun... >.<
sigh~
anyways needing my dose of ikiteru ikiteku fix...
~baby dinos in the bkgrnd~~ :D
