today i realised there are some super awesome Christian bosses out there~
hearing them giving their spills on faith and psychiatry just makes me go hearts and flowers (and laugh too) and want to drop everything i do and go and stand in the snow somewhere (chinese allusion-sorry, can't help it~ XD)
but i should be confident... though there is really no snow around here, there will be many future opportunities... to hear and learn from their wisdoms.
my fav psychologist has been also active lately and posting lots. You can read his works here (sorry its all chinese and you do need a weibo account). just loved his take on antisocial PD~
i've been having a little dream inside me that one day i can do a diligent weibo or blog like his, filled with writings so professionally insightful, but at the same time so down to earth and accessible by everyone.
once in a while one also runs into unexpected meaningful words...
....ones you dont need to go to a shrink to access.
Thank God too for those words.
This year two of Miyuki Miyabe's novels struck a special cord in me.
From Nameless Poison:
If you want to know the names of the poisons of this world, you will have to find out yourself.
Unless you had really bad luck, and the poison even eroded you.
Living in this world, we are used to avoiding thoughts about poisons. If you want a peaceful troubleless life, that's probably the only way to do it.
But if we are only asking the questions standing where we are, we will never find a satisfactory explanation for such poisons.
No one will tell us where they came from, from what did they arise, and how did they spread.
And no one will tell us how to guard ourselves against them.
...just a little bit too full-on maybe~ :(
If Nameless Poison is still more for the shrink...
Then Somebody?----
---is for everybody.
I still go back to that most comforting line of all time.
But you will find happiness. Though relentlessly pursued by people, or things, and you hid yourself under the table screaming, sooner or later, you will have to crawl out from there.
Once you are out, the world is still here.
I remembered the distant past, the far recent, and my wishful thinking from the recent recent, of my morbid fears, of my desire to flee from most things, of my uncomfortable expectations of life (immature or not)...
the past issues above have all now eventuated in some ways though not yet with resolutions.
but they no longer have such mastery over me anymore.
despite the fact that i am still so abound in nervous energy about the impending doom, and can only expect the next 2 months to be worse and not better.
but I have CRAWLED OUT.
and no, I don't have to give up my imaginary friends in that process.
never expected that day to come for me.
and only now I know His presence was with me as much when I kicked and screamed under that table (for years maybe), as when He, as a good CBT therapist, stopped reassuring when it was time to reduce the pathological reassurance seeking.
Then, nothing of the external environment changed, and not really sensing God onsite or oncall under that table, with spiderwebs on head and dust in the eye, and sneezing and coughing and cursing and wailing and wiping snot on face and fingers... I crawled out myself.
Not a pretty picture, but I suspected... maybe I am the only one who's so embarrassed of myself by all that.
Nobody else was really looking.
and i am slowly beginning to think that He is very much in this process too of my life, as much as when i was in a more appropriately dependent, contained and uplifting form.
and He who knows me from the beginning is not ashamed of me, or whatever emotional equivalent of my snot.
He who carried me, also enables me.
despite the process being painful reassurance reduction and i had to do the crawling myself, i was never alone.
fav psych's weibo, Miyuki Miyabe, Masha's radio shows, Gintama, people who left long comments on my old stories, countertrasferences from seeing parents during child and adolescent psych + smart and lovely consultant whos so understanding of such countertransferences (while happily slurping on her 2min noodles), girly magazines from 2009 with Hitomi Kuroki's beautiful essays (and gorgeous dresses), coke, diet coke, coke zero, more coke... (ok better stop before i start to sound pathological~)
and my psychotherapist, who revealed to me how much my personal life can impact on the professional, who persisted and wanted to see the breakthrough in me... despite my lack of motivation and passive resistance and reluctance for disclosure... that went on for what seemed like forever.
and I have not mentioned that i got all this for free, completely undeserving.
Arigatou, mina-san.
and to God who crafted every person, word, occurence (and bottle of coke too) over the past few months, for them to come from different ends but all somewhat strangely end up vibrating on the same wavelength, to bring me to this point.
Words are the strongest friend for a fragile heart, as Hitomi Kuroki gently spoke. Going back to her beautiful essay "In My Case", I think I now finally undestand a bit of the weight of her words when she asked herself:
"Can I give myself a word of praise?"
to answer this question, in my case:
"All Yours, Lord."
