the man of mercy

amazed by this:
Sherlock Holmes and the Problem of Evil
never before imagined Sherlock Holmes can be linked with such a theological position... *感动*

i think the problem really has been - while i complained with fervour about the ridiculous contemporary parodies, i myself havent flipped open the original canon in years.
to the point that when i first saw this quote below again, my immediate thought was "huh? is Sherlock actually capable of this??" 囧

“What is the meaning of it, Watson?” said Holmes, solemnly, as he laid down the paper. “What object is served by this circle of misery and violence and fear? It must tend to some end, or else our universe is ruled by chance, which is unthinkable. But what end? There is the great standing perennial problem to which human reason is as far from an answer as ever.”

and i end up loving the rose quote even more.

“There is nothing in which deduction is so necessary as in religion,” said he, leaning with his back against the shutters. “It can be built up as an exact science by the reasoner. Our highest assurance of the goodness of Providence seems to me to rest in the flowers. All other things, our powers, our desires, our food, are really necessary for our existence in the first instance. But this rose is an extra. Its smell and its colour are an embellishment of life, not a condition of it. It is only goodness which gives extras, and so I say again that we have much to hope from the flowers.”

a really genuine merciful kind of guy isn't he?
SO NOT Cluster B. (and i so want to highlight this and make it into a poster and hang it on the wall of whoever came up with the contemporary parodies *speechless*)

maybe i shouldn't be so critical. i need to go back to the books and refresh my memory too. :(

Sweet Dreams

I had a meltdown last week. It started off as hearing that one of my discharged patients had a single vehicle accident.  that same night I dreamt of another patient jumping off from a high building and as he hit the ground his blood and brain mush splattered all over me.

the next day I was meant to review and discharge the very patient who appeared in my graphic nightmare. I totally chickened out and couldn't bring myself to work and hid at home bawling my eyes out about the imaginary blood and cerebral tissue. I was somewhat surprised at how much self loathing I was capable of. it was almost like--

if a patient of mine goes ahead doing something of a single vehicle accident or the like, I feel I myself have utterly and absolutely fallen out of His grace.
In such a moment, it is as if He's never been there, punishing me for something very very terrible.

If I had any bits or threads of my senses left this notion would have come across as plainly ridiculous, but no, rational thoughts were probably all out of the window. and then later with swollen eyes and dehydration I felt even more guilty about my lack of faith for not being able to get to work etc.

maybe to a certain extent I could have blamed rapid mental state deterioration in such contexts on anxious departmental high powers habitually acopic with any risk issues or adverse events, or angry family's incriminating and suspicious stares at the coroners court, or inter-hospital colleague frustrated at extra work later in the day and vented by demanding to know why a whole range of random unnecessary tests were not done at the patient's last admission, or Buddhist parents who subconsciously delight in such occurrences and see these as best examples of karma to prove to me that they are right and I am wrong...

but, end of the day, acopic high powers, suspicious family, hard-driven colleague and karma-loving parents are all but mere projections of myself and the ungodly burdens I've collected over the years. in a way I almost felt God wanted to say to me:
"you really think I don't know what kind of person you are?"

So, I go back to that old difficult question. Is it really God who has broken my bones, or in fact I have been sadistically breaking my own bones and pulling my own guts out, and blaming it on God?

it's still a battle. one day He will let me work it out. not pulling my guts out for it now.

I went back to revise my favourite show for the past week for recovery. in recent years i've been following the movie sequels but havent rewatched the original 97 series for a while now.
i think OD is really something one loves more and more as one grows older, when I first watched it I found it so boring! lol It really grew on my over time and now even the minor characters and baddies have become so loveable~ :D
now that i am of the same age as Aoshima, and understand a bit more of the word "organisation", i think it has just become more special in many ways.

Aoshima-san, when i was young i was grandiose and delusional and thought that when i get to your age i would never be so silly and immature like you. thought i was going to be wise and make the right choices and avoid all your unnecessary troubles. how wrong i was. I am really no better, and there is so much more i can learn from your fighting spirit.
and your "事故体质" really comforts me. good to know I am not the only one.

Mashita-san, your unintentional humour and juvenile sleaziness brighten up my days.

Dear Sumire-san, I got palpitations this time watching your repeated contemplation to quit being a police. indeed, this is all so awfully hard. i think i am somewhat seeing myself in you.
but i shall not be distressed about this. as you looked so happy eating your kimchi 2min noodles, i felt very happy too eating my own.

Dear Muroi-san, the older I get the more beauty i see in you.  your clear eyes and furrowed brows spoke a thousand words and more. and when you softly said the words "this is all my responsibility." i just dream that one day you can be my boss and teach me your ways. *hearts*

Shinjo-sama, I am much better with mental states now. you are really not mean and nasty, just repressed. all those awkward looks as you said mean things really spoke of I-really-feel-for-you-and-I-prob-feel-the-same-if-I-am-you-but-i-really-don't-know-how-to-get-my-empathy-across-so-i-am-just-going-to-be-harsh-and-get-you-angry-at-me-and-hope-you-will-suffer-less-next-time.(really gd acting!) I don't want you as my boss. looking at you from the side is awesome enough. XD

and dearest Superintendent Okita, you are still my dream and my cup of tea. its getting harder these days in my world to come across a girl in high position so smart and spirited, insisting her ways and facing up to her mistakes rather than superficial meekness and apathetic passive aggression. definitely would do anything if I can work for you and see your beautiful smile (or angry face) everyday. *faints*

Now, that's sweet dreams. ^_^
and i am still not sick of Yuji Oda's theme song.
When I hear this playing, everyday is Christmas Day.