My sense of agency in 2015 has hit a new low despite having a bit more luck than many more others in the process of getting through training. after all the realisation that what I have perceived to be the most enjoyable and rewarding of subspecialities prob still means 20% of proper work and 80% of politics - aka. the never-ending soothing of giant babies here and there (who are not patients, and who shamelessly take on roles of functional and respectable professional adults) who consciously and subconsciously try in all ways possible to make you their mother and hold you responsible for whatever junk that really should be their own... :$$$$$$
I've become increasing frustrated with the fact that unless I have periods of prolonged bed rest (LOL) I am not able to retrieve my imaginary friends and enjoy their company. Maybe its really just time to admit and come to terms that I can't be a functional and respectable professional adult after all, at least not in that capacity.
Until a few days ago I did not realise Miyuki Miyabe wrote a new short story, delightfully linking Peter's Funeral Procession and Solomon's Perjury together.
I cried at the point when Sugimura-san somewhat oddly but kindly said to Ryoko Fujino:
I wish you happiness.
It brought back fond memories of something else from Sugimura-san:
But you will find happiness. Though relentlessly pursued by people,
or things, and you hid yourself under the table screaming, sooner or
later, you will have to crawl out from there.
Once you are out, the world is still here.
real life crawling out with unfavourable developmental trajectory, sadly is not just a table... but a series of many tables...
I still think about Sugimura-san now and then... he who is so wise about worldly poisons and remained so kind to this world, who spoke these above words so warmly and tenderly...
simply just wouldn't let himself go...
or his loved ones.
I think i am more than a bit envious of aunty Miyuki, being equally capitivated by her at the same time. One who is so in tune with all kinds of subtle human poisons and does not call them by any other whitewashed names...
and manages to be successful and thriving with such terrible knowledge.
so... 2016... i think i will keep crawling, and do my best to fight off professional giant babies groping along the way, without acting out and calling giant babies giant babies in their faces.
and have a really good think about -- if I dislike giant babies so much, who would not have any capacities to change themselves--
what part I need to do myself to break free from that kind and live my own life.
what is comforting though, aunty Miyuki is still writing Sugimura stories, and Sugimura-san too is still living, learning, evolving.
so I wish you happiness too, Sugimura-san.
