the wedding reception was at Docklands, friend drove me out of the harbour, and I walked with a cripple on my heels to climb up to the Etihad Stadium, realising with horror that the gate I came out from is firm shut.
security was called, with me panicking on the phone:
"i thought your car park is open 24/7!"
"Go to Gate 4, Gate 4 is open 24/7."
"where is Gate 4?"
"you have to walk around, its almost right opposite Gate 8, either direction distance about the same."
@_@
so at 1115pm i embarked on this lone stroll to circle half of Etihad Stadium from Gate 8 to Gate 4. as i walked with even more of a cripple every step, i thought about Jill Meagher, i thought about the New Delhi bus, and I thought about much more. There is no sight in my brain of the much needed Psalm 23, instead, the evils of 2012 flashed across like a horror movie. The last part of that epic stroll right before I reached Gate 4, just adding to the sensationalism, had a strip of deserted construction site on one side of me, but by then i already got to thoughts of the eastern suburbs bus stop asian pervert and it almost became somewhat of a relief.
after taking the lift down I had to continue the stroll to make my way from Gate 4 back to Gate 8 for the car. I had security putting up all the lights for me and promising to keep an eye on me on his security monitors----but---
I soon realised I was not the only person on that level. As i stumbled ahead to find my car, i could hear loud clanging noises distantly across all the way along. As i approached my car the noise maker showed his face.
A young asian cleaner walked pass, took one nonchalant glance at this hunched dishevelled woman stumbling on heels, who probably looked at him with fear and agitation and whatever fight-or-flight expression on her face---
and in all his coolness turned away quietly to continue his job.
so, i finally made it to my car. Masha's voice singing Saiai rescued me... I felt I was at last safe, back home, and could have a satisfying cry.
the age old question of whether i prefer to be a man and not a woman if i had the choice and hence able to avoid my toilsome life still gets me in moments like this, despite years of conscious/unconscious effort making myself more comfortable with myself. end of the day, this debate is really in the same league of whether i would choose non-existence over existence if i had the choice--
and had nothing to do with identity issues and more to do with me desiring and wishing, more often then not, not to carry my own cross.
let me take a step back and admit that whats been stressing me out was not only night stroll around Etihad Stadium but other things including a recent crisis at work. for some time now i thought i have graduated from the work related emotional dysregulation of my early years, and that i've had enough awesome registrar examples inspiring me to push on for work regardless of internal/external adversities, and that i've gained enough wisdom and experience to prevent significant personal emotions significantly affecting work by intervening and seeking support before they begin to bother...
and i became shocked at the me who was so shaken and fearfully avoidant... and losing almost all my capacity to process and assess and decision make... at a seemingly minimally relevant issue which would make it quite ridiculous even if i recognized and nipped it in the bud and got the second oncall to take my place.
Mark Galli's words was very taken in by me since the start of last year and used with great personal relevance as i spoke proudly of my values and how much i did not care about peoples' praises---
--but only now, it hitted me with the full weight of it.
--and gosh it hurts.
"We are too often tempted to justify our existence on this planet by doing something "significant," by "making a difference in the world," so that we can go to bed at night feeling good about ourselves. But the Christian message is about a God who judges and loves us in our insignificance—that is, when our selfcenteredness has sabotaged our ability to make any fundamentally sound contribution to our lives or to others'. This God speaks to us the frank word that not only do we not make a difference in the world, day to day we threaten to make the world worse by our sin. But in Jesus Christ, he has judged and forgiven us through the Cross, and now he uses even our insignificant efforts to witness to his coming work in Jesus Christ."
Lord stay with me. I have a long way to go, and i don't think i will ever quite get there-
-which I think You know already.
at Etihad Stadium
Ikiteru Ikiteku 2013~
The most beautiful thing of 2012 was Ikiteru Ikiteku.
2013 now, still need you.
It's quite unbelievable
When you were a child, though you wished hard, you could not become an
adult
Now you are an adult, just with a flutter of your heart
You can become a child
again any time
Having lived this long, the answers I got so far
There are many more wrong ones than right
Along the way of making many mistakes
I become an adult
Such a life, full of its good and bad
Is probably helpful to the hard working genes 100 years later
For it to serve this purpose
I continue my life today
Till this day I clearly remembered
All the people I liked but hurted
"Conveying your feelings", "Understanding one another",
Are just as difficult as falling in love itself
My youthful scars and bittersweetness
Hoping they could give some courage
To the genes that would fall in love with others 100 years later
For this purpose, I continue my life today
I am learning to stay strong
Learning from failures and regrets
So I could win this battle against
All the inescapable pains and sadnesses
I once had a very big dream
A dream so absurd and
embarrassing
Then I didn't realise when or how
The smaller dreams in the midst of it
All
came true without me knowing
That's right, I didn't manage to do it on my own
I hope my genes from 100 or 1000
years ago
Would get praised.
For this purpose, I am living now
With this life, I live everyday
And I live for today as well.
OD matters
This is littered with so much Odoru Daisousasen goodness it almost made me cry in surprised happiness during the first episode. It is just so OD! and only OD fans will get it. seriously they really know how to address fans' loss and grief issues now that "The Final" is out. very ghost in the shell as well... but the OD bits added all the colour and connection and warmth. i've lost faith in anime for years, but now... happy that OD will live on even in anime... hanging out for that one episode per week...
watching MV version 4 made me go sniffling.
1997-2012... all the memory, all the love.
THANK YOU.
the bits of this week
waited for the translation of Beautiful Life lyrics for a while...
another pleasant surprise.
was a bit disappointed about the uneventful PV, but the meaningful lyrics made up for everything.
First few lines:
I have not yet learnt the ways of forgiveness
harbouring hate towards people in my heart
"if others could hate me the same as how I regard them,
then that's quite all right."
that was how I tried to be cool and dismissed it.
Masha... revealing such thoughts and writing them into a beautiful song...
...is really really really cool. ^__^
love your blunt insights, humbled and learnt my good lessons again.
~
this other song has been played over and over again these couple of days.
MISIA - DEEPNESS from alternakinakinana on Vimeo.
Shot in Mongolia, and strangely, so beautifully suited for Oh-Oku.
~
missed the 2 last episodes of Arang and the Magistrate last month.
gd ending apparently.
and saw a pic of Shin Minah smiling so sweetly at the end!!!
now saving them as a treat to enjoy after i finish my mpm essay.... ^__^
also a delightful chance discovery this wk:
Lee Junki reads Orhan Pamuk.
didnt expect that... but hmm... impressed.
this has added to me slowly beginning to think:
if Masha ever dies of old age...(nooooo......) at least I may still have you to sustain me for a bit longer... :D
LOLz
your smile more beautiful than the spring breeze
*HEART* Lee Junki X Shin Minah
my first time watching Shin Minah. Her smiles are truly addictive.
and Lee Junki is from pre-Masha days. I wonder if Tiff still remembers being traumatised by a long hair gay MVof his which I forced her to watch... XD gd old days.
then he did some not very exciting dramas... had elevated BMI and a fatty face... and i didn't like him anymore.
now he's back from the army, older and uglier but no more elevated BMI!
yep, back on board now. will follow your dramas(do a few more with Shin Minah if you can). ^__^
On call for life
I got woken up from my stupor at 0450 this morning, by my persistently ringing home phone.
... though not in time to pick up the call.
in an attempt not to be melodramatic and harrassing potential callers at 5am in the morning, the next hr as i lie in bed in suboptimal consciousness, i prepared myself for the worst.
parents acutely ill? parents robbed and hacked down and police called? the state of no subsequent calls and their switched off mobiles suggested otherwise. oversea relatives acutely ill? oversea relatives dead? more plausible. my mum still holding everything together? my mum not holding everything together and having a meltdown? the fact that she attempted to call at 0450, makes a meltdown more likely. and not hard to imagine my dad trying to give a spill of his insights and ineffectually convincing her in her meltdown why she should not be melting down.
end of the day, my ability to plan despite not fully alert and oriented surprised even myself. by 6am i had it all worked out, including what do i say to my clinical director over the phone requesting urgent non-paid leave, which travel agency to go to first for tickets, and how do i manage my own psychogenic polydipisia while grieving and distressed for the upcoming 11hr plane trip.
then i called parents.
dad awake.
me calmly: "what's up?"
dad: " huh? i didn't call you!"
PHEW.
now i am drained. and overcooked my oats in the microwave which splattered everywhere and needed cleaning. an upcoming day without endorphins to subacutely sort out subacute people's subacute problems.
it came to me, that i am oncall 24/7, whether oncall for work or not, and subconsciously i've accepted it ages ago. i am certain many others in a similar situation are not as neurotic and live on thoughts of the best not the worst. but maybe, like that occasional brainless colleague who did not realise he/she were on call and got caught in a shock but still ended up working a reasonable shift, oncall mode, at the end of the day, probably doesn't really have any great deal of benefits.
but it is impossible to undo the realisation, once you became aware of the oncall status.
but at least for now, not need to call the clinical director, and psychogenic polydipisia not resurfacing.
not yet.
Lord have mercy. and be on site for me.
9, 10. 11/10
9. Saiai
theme song for Yogisha X no Kenshin. I guess I don't have to say much more.
...and Masha sang this in SH as his first performance out of japan. ^__^
though...comparing to the Masha-only version (with him kissing a caucasian obasan in the MV...囧), I like the KOH+ version more....
kou-chan struggled with it, but i still prefer to hear her voice singing this song.
10. Tokyo
again, one of my old favourites... that didn't make it to masha's best collection album last year.
just really liked it, maybe its the MV. although a lot more new and good ones followed, it never failed to stir something in me.
really hope Masha can sing it more often during live concerts.
11. Lets be a family
comparing to the other 10, not particular excited about this song but... I really want to give it a mention because of what Masha said about his journey of writing the song:
"trust" does not equate "understanding". i personally believe, when I trust someone else, the responsibility entirely rests with me. It is I who wanted to trust you--you carry no responsibility. To me there is no such thing as "being betrayed", because I myself wanted and was willing to trust another person. When one starts to think one understands another, the thoughts of "being betrayed" would often arise. The presumption of "I understand you" is often the most frightening, whether it be between friends, colleagues, bf/gf, or family members...
it was eye-opening, and immensely humbling. i am so thankful that i came across these words before formally starting the trade.
a trade with the ever present temptation to believe, that as i advance in it i would somehow hold the power of superior understanding and knowledge of others.
these words slapped in the face, and kept my feet firmly to the ground.
...and i love Masha for such anchoring insights.
more from the SH film festival~
beautiful Masato-sama was in SH too~
so unprofessional. seriously if you don't have the capacity to hold an international film festival... don't hold one.
my life just took a busy turn recently, with Masha recently joining both FB and weibo.
...after he came bk from the SH film festival realising how popular he was even outside of Japan.
...and his FB updates are now bilingual...
*faint in happiness*
so now a large part of my day is spent...checking updates and liking and commenting~
so distracting, i hope i can still go back to work alright.
and Masha says...about SHnese girls:
The weather was really good in SH. I saw lots of girls wearing mini skirts exposing their thighs. very good skin, and long legs. I wish i can come back and visit SH more often.
~not making this up~
~you sleazy ojisan~
lol.
and absolutely heart this photo:
7-8
Masha...
first time I heard you speaking English. you are not bad AT ALL. despite the limited vocab and the hesitancy, you spoke accurately in a very natural way, and without much of an accent.
and..."I need to concentrate." you still get anxious before your shows... even if it's just one song... in china.
and your new song for SK-II was awesome.
and you are on facebook now...
and you are on weibo too... you are really going international.
and i hope you had a nice time in SH. I just realised i shop for tea at the same place in SH as you(joyous!).
and I will drink more pu'er tea like you now. ^__^
7. Phantom
Zankyou is prob my fav Masha album. just the title itself stirs so much emotion in me, and there are a lot of songs from Zankyou i really like (incl Keshin).
Out of this big collection of likes, phantom is prob the most unforgettable.
the lyrics were not uplifting. similar time as Keshin so i do wonder if he could be mildly depressed during that period of time.
but then... watching Phantom at Mt Inasa 09...
it was breathtaking, and to me, the very highlight of my fav Masha concert.
8. Good Luck
i've been playing the same CD in my car for half a yr now, and have grown so used to listening to Good Luck--
--on my way to the hospital in the early hrs of a morning during oncalls.
a nice simple old song, that quietens the heart.
it descalates me quickly.
so that i then have the capacity to go and descalate someone else.
now time for withdrawal...
soon after i voiced my faithlessness in korean dramas...
the whole last week, i fell in love with Queen InHyun's Man.
once in a blue moon one finds a korean drama with characters of normal intelligence,
once in a blue moon one finds a korean drama not insightlessly schizophrenic,
once in a blue moon one finds a korean drama that despite a strong love line, all efforts have been made to tell a good story.
i still remember how i abandoned it after 1st episode, thinking its mere palace politics + modern day messy love triangle.
.... none of that. i am so glad i watched it.
and now seriously withdrawing.
it ended well too... i was preparing for the worst...
and the amount of gossip about the actors after that last episode~~*faint in joy*
then i clicked open this MV...
1st impression: gosh the song is awfully familiar.
but...took me more than 5 secs to realise it is a remake of Masha's "sunflower".
i should be ashamed of myself... i will go and self-examine in remorse.
but... can't stop watching(and listening) now ^__^
the randoms
haven't found many gd jap dramas to follow this season, so after years of not watching korean drama, I ended up following two recently.
...confirm for me again that korean dramas are overall insightless and do nothing but encourage avoidance of one's own responsibilities.
...and the ones that try to be deep and meaningful are more intolerable than the brainless romantic ones.
the King 2 Hearts so easily grabbed my attention at the start, to the point i thought korean drama was finally having a breakthrough with this one. sadly, storytelling just spiralled straight down the atrocious end... i still find ha jiwon & lee seungki really brilliant actors, and the chemistry between them was amazing(when they are actually 9 yrs apart) such a waste of gd acting...
Rooftop Prince on the other hand is typical silly korean romance from the start, but because its overtly silly, my expectation was not high. music was nice, costume was pretty, suspense was kept, and there was a nice wrap-up in the last episode, that made some basis sense.
my expectations of dramas these days are so low... as long as something exhibits some sort of commonsense i will label it a gd drama.
now both are finished for over a week. there is no withdrawal symptoms, I don't miss them at all.
so, bk to jap, still following Legal High. Masato-sama (who usually play meek and mild ojisans) is so different and brilliant this time. love the pressured speech.
lunch today is prob the best lunch i've had in a while. new bubble tea place in chaddy called "Bubble Cup Signature" (how lame). but 40% off this wkend, and 50% sugar tasted 50% sugar. owner was a 40+ anxious fob obasan who looked so overtly stressed out about everything during the brief period i observed her.
i like her, i think thats easily me in 20 yrs time.
then found food in the food court. spicy fish with tofu... it came in a giant bowl and though not too authentic, was full of chilli and peppery goodness and thoroughly warmed up my GI system.
shop owner was a 60+ ugly fob ojisan who dressed young, but for some reason his glasses and his long puffy messy hair and the way he moved around reminded me A LOT of Masha.
so, satisfaction on all fronts. XD i am so going bk to that place to eat next time i am in chaddy.
(if anyone finds it grossly disturbing that i check out random sexagenerians in shopping centres... im sorry.)
4-6
4. YOU
There are songs you listen to... a hundred times over...
...it then goes on replay in the car and gets completely ignored... for a thousand times more...
but the one day you again pay attention to it...
it is as beautiful, as the first time you listened.
my very first Masha song.
5. The Hill of Promise
The first time I watched a live performance video of Masha's was "Heaven".
It was an eye-opening experience for me (who back then was still meek and mild lol). to cut a long story short, I was very scarred.
but fortunately by then i was already won over by his insightful interviews....
so at least he didnt get blacklisted as a silly sleazy ojisan.
and then the warmth of this video cured my PTSD.
i initially thought his look for that concert was horrid: silly puffy hair... and those red pants... 囧 but after watching him sing this song, it instantly became one of my favourites.
and the horrid look became endearing too.
Masha sang the same song at Mt Inasa twice... once for his 30th and the next for his 40th.
The brilliance of the 40th performance, and the complete lack of deliberate efforts to impress--
simply made me feel...
growing old and ugly, is really not such a bad thing.
6. Hotaru
this song kind of grew on me over time.
I always found it nice... along the same line of "Hatsukoi" and "Let's be a family", simple... love songs... nice, but nothing really stood out for a while...
then i can't even remember why or when... it made its way to the favourite list...
maybe its the music...
maybe its Yoriko Yoshitaka's smiles in the MV... she's a bit of a bad girl among that grp of mediocre upright young actresses... but i was always fond of her... even before seeing her in that MV.
maybe its the lyrics...
Where were you before you found me?
What kind of world were you living in?
Who did you love before?
Were you hurt by someone?
Have you been crying for a long time?
...strangely steadfast and settling.
3/10
Ikiteru Ikiteku
This song made it to my top 3 straight after it came out...
brilliantly honest lyrics, plus cute happy song and MV for the doraemon movie...
I really dont have an immune system to this combination.
now let me just take a break from the song itself and admit to my own pathology-- that i believe in this world there are two categories of people, for one of which, the pull of non-existence will always be stronger than existence.
...regardless of the amount of worldly gains (or as we christians much prefer to call it... blessings.)
i hopelessly belong to that category, and hopelessly hope, that such a category do exist.
I've liked masha for this many years now... and still i've underestimated him. He who's so comfortably authentic, so successful and well respected, so certain of his purposes in life... I have not actually imagined him to also be someone who sees "existence" itself as some form of overwhelming hardship regardless of its many associated gains...
...and somewhat desperately hanging on to an external purpose to justify carrying on such hardship.
That's right, I am not only living for myself
I live so that the genes from hundreds and thousands years back could be praised
With this life, I will live now. Today we should live on.
i am in tears watching him singing those lyrics in such positivity.
ganbatte to myself too...
2/10
Beautiful Day
This has been my fav masha song for years, until takenover by Keshin. initially i was in love with just the song... until i watched the adorable MV and became more in love with that... then a bit later found the lyrics translation... then this song became perfect.
although for some strange reason, the pessimistic inappropriateness of Keshin grabbed me just that tiny bit more... XD
it really gave me the strength to survive internship that year:
the thongs you bought on your way
didn't look great but maybe just right
things that embarrassed you, things that you could do nothing about
today is the day to accept them all
tomorrow we should live on
though lonely, but we are not alone
everything happened today seemed "just right"
maybe a miracle
Beautiful day.
It is one of Masha's "non-popular" songs, prob didnt do well in the charts. i was not very happy with masha (and decided i wont even like him so much anymore) for at least 7-8/12 when i realised with horror he didnt include Beautiful Day in his 20yr best collection album... >_<
...but then he cut his hair and composed a nice new song and did a beautiful therapeutic mv
and all else no longer mattered... XD
i like masha who did Keshin, and i like masha who did Beautiful Day, but i adore masha who did both Keshin and Beautiful Day.
1 out of 10
ok time to release some tension.
havent gotten around to find a violent shooting/killing computer game yet. (am i so degraded that i need a violent computer game? @_@ noooooo... )hence, still in denial, but now, this will do.
have been wanting to compile a masha fav 10 list for some time.i think it was really just waiting for 生きてる 生きてく to come out and complete the picture~ XD
i will start. 1/10: the top masha song for me is Keshin. It has a somewhat socially and culturally inappropriate MV that I often shy away from admitting it is my favourite masha song. (2 unfortunate friends danielle and ning are still very scarred... from being forced to watch it by me...) its been a few years, i still love the song, and the mv too. maybe the mv even a bit more than the song itself. for a few years now i have been obsessed with getting clothes in that shade of blue. (the lastest addition to the wardrobe being a cardigan in that colour 2 mths ago) dreamed of having a bookshelf in that colour too. so, quite far from getting sick of it.and, i just discovered its actually a reasonable tension releaser for me.
if interested, can check out the rabbit head and the squatting toilet.Sherlock
i've been having lots of vivid dreams lately... quite a few nightmares included. apart from stating the obvious that i am having more REM sleep... i do wonder if this is in some disturbing way, PTSD by proxy.
my patients these days are largely balls of anxiety, somewhat in my own league.
the worst of those nightmares occurred 2 nights ago.
i dreamt...
--that sherlock was doing evil things.
what was worse...
--that sherlock was BL.
lol
to salvage my fav childhood hero from the danger of being permanently ruined, i am finding solace in the original canon and gd old granada sherlock with JB and his manic depression...
that dose of old fashioned eccentric decency really did its trick.
and thank goodness, and thank goodness again, there were... no gay jokes.
even without sherlock... 5mins with an old-fashioned kind-hearted grandpa-like watson sensei just warms the heart. ^__^
i still cant make up my mind which of david burke and edward hardwicke was the better watson for JB... the styles were really different, but they really seemed to have morphed into each other so well.
but maybe i am just biased, about both of them.
when i first started this blog 7 years ago i then just discovered the poem "221B":
Coin of ours can never ransom
Years now prisoner to Time:
Roars the bus, where once the hansom
Trotted on the trial of crime.
No more now a Stradivarius
Played by fingers long and fleet
Sounds the dirge of plans nefarious
Foiled by him of Baker Street.
Could we, with an eye clairvoyant,
Find the dear remembered door,
Which, with trembling, many a client
(Fair or famous) stood before?
Here it was that Roylott forced an
Entry, like some savage bear;
Here, bright eyes of Mary Morstan
Fell to Watson's ardent stare.
Were a time-restoring charter
Granted by the grace of Heaven,
Who would not this tired age barter
For a night of 'eighty-seven,
When, as fog through pane and curtain
Softly grey comes creeping in,
Wise-immortal-strange and certain-
Sherlock plays his violin.
*hearts* then, and *hearts* still now.
Jeremy Lin... and the rest
i had another argument with my mum regarding the current business. she's deeply hurt about how deeply ungrateful and twisted i am, and has fallen into one of her dark silent moods which she hasnt been doing for a little while. but hopefully, this can put some breaks on her urges in the future... and hopefully not work the other way round.
it seems that I just turned my back to reality a little and now the whole world is crazy about this Jeremy Lin thing, well, especially the Asians abroad population. i know the mainland chinese population would very much like to as well... but the fact that he's twnese made everything just slightly awkward(...which i think is quite a welcoming relief).
i've been finding it hard to rejoice about this brother in Christ's achievement, despite the fact that any of us happen to achieve anything on such scales being rarities, and despite basketball being the only sport i can understand and enjoy spectating. i've attempted hard to inspire myself with his testimonies... but... end of the day it lacks the personal touch i was desperately looking for in someone at such a unique position, and its really not deviating far from what comes off the usual church assembly line. you hear similar things being proclaimed by aunties healed of back spasms so that they could serve soup in the church soup kitchen without spilling, or girls of their menstrual pain so that they dont have to go through the traumatising process of popping a celebrex before P&W rehearsals.
but maybe... such testimonies are exactly what christians should be doing. and i am just as savage as any fervent pagans for viewing them in such flippant ways.
i have an almost pathological aversion to the never failing connection between God's grace and "success" in all facets of life, and the distress and discomfort we invariably have to go through when we are being perceived as failing, that the christian and secular world are surprisingly, frightfully similar in meting out such perceptions.
its tough being cancerous. Its probably impossible being a christian, and cancerous. a melodramatic faith performance would be expected of you. anything short of a miraculous healing will likely result in bitter disappointment from, if not yourself, maybe the most of your social network, and especially the ones who likely will not even be much grieved by your departure.
Has JL's Christian views only become worthy up there on the pedestals because he succeeded in the secular world? and all his 3-pointers now automatically a form of somewhat christian triumph? and what if he becomes injured? then fails in the volatile professional sporting world? what then? we wait till his next surge of success to have the heart and gladness to say to the world that there is again good evidence that God is among us?
i love my list of favourite ojisan christian writers. not only that they are able write insightfully sympathetic things... every time i see an unimpressive photo of them i have the sense of comfort that they could just be the driver in the car behind me horning angrily as i doze off at the red light, or the grumbling customer in chinese restaurant after finding half a cockroach in his stir-fry. Strangely, thats the kind of ppl that earns my respect most easily.
i probably would be frightened working with bosses who like to motivate underlings to become superhumans or love machines, but i will have great respect for one who despite objective evidences of his/her successes, christian or secular, would through professional interactions, be able to reveal to me that he/she is just as painfully and ineffectually human as any other sons of Adam. and any chance of "love" or success, arises only from that.
and that, certainly is not a Christian exclusive ability. reflecting back, majority of the past registrars who managed to shape and inspire my work philosophy(...in their variable shapes and forms, and entirely not because of how perfect or respectable they were), were non-christians.
and i can only thank God for their presence and how much God has blessed the path of this life through them.
and how can i forget that my one and only role model of many years is a non-christian? certainly wish i can continue to learn many things from FM, and he could continue to be that one and only role model for me, for many years to come.
Mark Galli writes many redeeming words, and those were exactly the ones i had wanted to hear this week:
"We are too often tempted to justify our existence on this planet by doing something "significant," by "making a difference in the world," so that we can go to bed at night feeling good about ourselves. But the Christian message is about a God who judges and loves us in our insignificance—that is, when our selfcenteredness has sabotaged our ability to make any fundamentally sound contribution to our lives or to others'. This God speaks to us the frank word that not only do we not make a difference in the world, day to day we threaten to make the world worse by our sin. But in Jesus Christ, he has judged and forgiven us through the Cross, and now he uses even our insignificant efforts to witness to his coming work in Jesus Christ."
I recall an interesting occurrence with a pastor last weekend. He visits our church often, and over the years has said many great things. now that same wkend i happened to have upgraded my mobile to a smartphone for the very first time, and really... had very little idea how to use it, even in terms of making a call.
so as the pastor shared about his afflicted physical health in the last few months and how he was telling his treating doctor how dare anyone to suggest operating and removing anything from his body, i discovered with horror that my new phone was telling me that it didnt have a sim card and i could make emergency phone calls only.
i certainly wonder sometimes why i go through thoughtless panic at the most inappropriate times just like then i became paranoid of evil spidermen dropping from the church ceiling to attack me and my phone's only able to make emergency calls. (wait it can still make emergency calls? even if say the church... really... has evil spidermen hiding on its roof...)
so i sat there, insightlessly and panickingly fumbled and prodded and shook my new phone hoping to make it work again, and listened on, of the pastor launching into numerous attacks about the medical profession, of one about a medical friend of his, previously talented in evangelism now disappointedly just wanted to focus on his career, of another about how MBBS truly stands for something silly and ludicrous, of how all doctors are arrogant except for one (which i suspect is the only one he knows personally from this church)...
retrospectively i wondered... if the fumbling and preoccupation with the phone was really about delusional evil spidermen, or it was really a subconscious passive aggressive defense mechanism that someone shouting such ill-informed abuses from the pulpit really has nothing positive to offer to my spirtual life and hence not worth paying attention to?
i dont know how obvious my panicked movements in my usual low-profile back row position was, but towards the end of that sermon he related about how he once yelled at another church member of his for playing with a smartphone during his preaching, only later to discover that the person was checking bible verses and taking sermon notes on his phone.
it would be interesting to know whether the story was told by coincidence or on purpose, but i guess i wouldnt have the chance to know. at least, i was obviously prodding and shaking my phone, looked nowhere near bible flipping nor notes typing.
and i was unremorseful. as the church was dismissed and the pastor stood at the back shaking everyone's hand, i was still preoccupied about my spidermen, with head bowed and fingers picking at the sim card slot of the phone, when he stretched his hand right into my face.
my memories of sermons are usually poor, but that one with its medical abuses and associated inappropriate phone behaviour, and that hand stretched right into my face stuck firm in my head. retrospectively i feel genuinely sorry for the old man afflicted with probably serious health issues and God knows what kind of emotional torment to the point that he could only release his stresses by attacking the medical profession from the pulpit.
and i sincerely hope he could claim some sort of victory rather than ran into the risk of offending his social network, if not himself.
yet i would have much more respect of him, if instead of what he said, he could stand there and tell the congregation frankly that he now really dislikes doctors overall because of the stresses and traumas some members of that profession may have inflicted on him.
now, no spidermen dropped from the church ceiling that day, and my phone miraculously recognised its sim card as soon as i left church and arrived at box hill central. I wonder still what kind of lessons God was trying to teach me through that ludicrous little episode...
but first i must have some self-control in not being delusional about spidermen, and learn to leave matters when its completely unnecessary to sort them out on the spot.
and, this, really, is not that hard.
My Father's Suitcase
It has been years, and this is still full of awesomeness. especially at this moment in time, it is more true than ever.
"So let me change the mood with a few sweet words that will, I hope, serve as well as that music. The question we writers are asked most often, the favorite question, is: Why do you write? I write because I have an innate need to write. I write because I can’t do normal work as other people do. I write because I want to read books like the ones I write. I write because I am angry at everyone. I write because I love sitting in a room all day writing. I write because I can partake of real life only by changing it. I write because I want others, the whole world, to know what sort of life we lived, and continue to live, in Istanbul, in Turkey. I write because I love the smell of paper, pen, and ink. I write because I believe in literature, in the art of the novel, more than I believe in anything else. I write because it is a habit, a passion. I write because I am afraid of being forgotten. I write because I like the glory and interest that writing brings. I write to be alone. Perhaps I write because I hope to understand why I am so very, very angry at everyone. I write because I like to be read. I write because once I have begun a novel, an essay, a page I want to finish it. I write because everyone expects me to write. I write because I have a childish belief in the immortality of libraries, and in the way my books sit on the shelf. I write because it is exciting to turn all life’s beauties and riches into words. I write not to tell a story but to compose a story. I write because I wish to escape from the foreboding that there is a place I must go but—as in a dream—can’t quite get to. I write because I have never managed to be happy. I write to be happy. "
- from "My Father's Suitcase" by Orhan Pamuk
and to my own parents who have managed to make a living hell out of the precious time that really should be one's most relaxed and happy, which one really may not have another chance of in a lifetime.
thank you for being so destructive.
yet i fully understand why you come to such thoughts and actions, and could not help pitying you.
i only have my pen... not an impressive one... but i only have my pen.
mental state deterioration
we had a horrid run of 2 wks plus of absolutely impossible workload, and everyone (except pharmacist, God bless her~)expecting things to be done with the exact same efficiency as when ward was fully staffed... while refusing to offer any help and only adding to the stress.
i ended up in tears last friday at work (which i have not done since internship). mental state deteriorated since... saying nasty thoughtless things to ppl... then realising it... then mental state deteriorating even more.
and attending interviews in such burnt-out state... needing to say how passionate i am about my job... was a herculean effort.
however a conversation today redeemed me:
nurse: blah blah(patient)just said he wanted to kill his psychiatrist.
consultant (easy-going and happily married with 2 cute kids): I don't mind! Kill me, kill me now!! (in stressed-out tone of voice)
i asked her if she would like to spend sometime in HDU...囧
but that was redeeming.
before consultant left today, she forced me to take my afternoon off---
and i happily complied.
God is humorous
I finally caught up with my mentor today. Hardly saw her after neuro last yr. my gosh...even just half an hr of conversation was so...insightful,encouraging and to the point... just cleared my mind.
really therapeutic(didn't expect her to be so therapeutic after all!)... so glad I chose her at the start of the rotation, and stuck with her... even after being suggested multiple times by seniors re: there were things she should have done for you but did not/let me know if you want to change mentor blah blah blah...
I want to become a psychiatrist like her~~~~ *starry eyes*
and i come back to the ward to discover my pt out of nowhere changed her mind abt some major life decisions and unloaded it all onto me. God is humorous, but I freak out too easily and fail to appreciate His humour MOST OF THE TIME. or maybe I really should acknowledge there is no simple happy endings? ie. we really cannot fix pts and unrealistically think their lives might be sorted out "along the way"?
I have a long way to go... God help me.
Ashes to Ashes
I have noted with some kind of a disturbing relief that I have finally become sick.
a long overdue swollen hurting throat, coryza, muscle aches, lethargy...
a sickness I have longed for 7 months ago, but never came at the time I wanted.
A time when I day by day felt I had drained all my motivation to push on for the next, and yet felt too guilty to take time off but prayed daily to become physically sick so I could legitimately rest from the daily trauma.
When I tried to think back to the past year, small and big things became so bright and shiny, that they glared into my eyes.
The seemingly endless desperation and failure ongoing from the start of the year, in stark contrast to the sheer joy and peace of the daily motions towards the end of it.
Maybe there are people around who deserve my apologies:
The poor friend who deserved a happy cozy farewell but instead witnessed me laughing hysterically as my car got scratched in the car park and wondered what really was going on.
The poor neighbours who were ready to call the police (its true!) after hearing me screaming and crying so loud because of what i thought to be the end of everything, but what essentially was just... "a bad day at work"?
and ones who deserve big thank-yous:
Friends who have kept me alive in the past year.
The reg I have so wanted but never got a chance to work with. Still I had the privilege to witness her never failing effort going an extra mile to make others' lives a bit easier, even while carrying her own burdens and stresses...
The consultant and reg who within a week completely lifted my spirit from my yearlong(even longer) gloom...
the same consultant who set the rare priceless example of genuine concern and humility combined with charisma and intelligence, that will inspire me striving to be the same in many years ahead...
and the same reg who's so therapeutic not with charisma but with brokenness and negative energy. Such is what can motivate me to push on in times I feel too ashamed to push on in my own brokenness...
And I still want to make a mention of The Professor's Death Song:
http://www.booksandculture.com/articles/2011/janfeb/professorsdeathsong.html?paging=off
The last days of the last working year was dedicated to this wonderful article... I find such honesty so touching and redeeming.
I pray Christianity can continue to empower us to approach this universally uneasy concept of brokenness with honesty, understanding and grace.
I have finally become sick.
I felt this is finally the conclusion of that epic working year.
And I love such an ending to the story.
"justification"
another profound line from Mark Galli:
We human beings have a way of turning profound truths into justifications for all manner of behavior.
..............
after realising all this...
I should forgive more.
Hopeless Prayer
*how many times do I have to post this...*
but indeed... only once in a blue moon we are this honest.
Hopeless Prayer by Mark Galli
"Ask and it shall be given."
So lots of people asked that 33 miners trapped a half mile beneath the earth be rescued. And they were.
It's the sort of thing that makes prayer that much harder, don't you think?
Some people make it sound easy. "God has spoken to me clearly and guided my hand each step of the rescue," Carlos Parra Diaz, a Seventh-day Adventist pastor at the San Jose mine, told The Guardian. "He wanted the miners to be rescued and I am His instrument."
When extraordinary things like this happen, it brings out the megalomania in some people. But I think a local Catholic priest had it right: "God has heard our prayers." Lots of prayers from lots of people.
And it was given.
When this sort of thing happens, I feel like I'm being set up. If prayer never "worked," I could deal with it sensibly. I could just give it up. Or give up one type of prayer—intercession. Just stop praying that God would do this or that, change this or that. Prayer could just be communing with God. But when God answers prayer like this, it sets up this god-awful expectation that God gives to those who ask.
"Ask and it shall be given" is a nice, warm saying, but it should really be, "Ask and sometimes it will be given." Or more realistically, at least in my prayer experience, "Ask and once in a blue moon it will be given."
Answers to my prayers happen so rarely that I am SHOCKED, SHOCKED, when they happen. I'm not talking about everyday prayers—for safe travels or healing from a cold. God seems to take care of travelers and colds whether I pray for them or not. I'm talking about prayers for things I really care about, people I'm really worried about—that a friend might come to know Jesus, that a loved one will be healed of cancer, that a relative will give up drugs. There seems to be an inverse prayer corollary in my life: the more important the prayer, the less likely it will be answered. But indeed, once in a while a big prayer is answered—like the college friend who became a Christian, or a church member who was healed of cancer—and my jaw drops and my eyes fill with tears. I'm astounded, again, that God would answer prayer.
This after living the Christian life for over four decades.
* * *
When it comes to the REALLY BIG prayers, well, I'm a hearty believer. I regularly pray for peace on earth, but it hasn't done any good. Still, Jesus said it would happen, and so as far as I'm concerned, this prayer will be answered.
Some day, far in the future. That's the rub with REALLY BIG prayer. It's so far in the future that it feels pointless to pray it. It's so assured of happening—whether I pray or not—that you think, What's the use?
And yet Jesus tells me to pray such prayers: "Our Father … thy kingdom come." Pray for the thing that's going to happen whether you pray or not. Pray for the thing that is so far in the future and so unimaginable that you feel silly praying for it.
He's also the one who said, "Ask and it shall be given." I'm pretty sure he meant this for big and small prayers, and everything in between.
Ask for things that are likely to happen whether you pray or not.
Ask for things that are unlikely to happen.
Ask for things that get answered sometimes but not others.
Ask when you feel like asking is selfish. Ask when your asking feels foolish. Ask when you feel hopeless.
And it will be given.
* * *
It's that last state—feeling hopeless—that characterizes my prayer life most days. I have so few important-to-me prayers answered that I'm afraid to pray for such things anymore. Who wants to be disappointed with God again?
So I find stories like the answered prayer for the Chilean miners more irritating than inspirational. As a CNN story says, the miners "showed us there is hope even when the worst seems certain." Well, for me when the worst seems certain, I have the hardest time having hope. Sorry, CNN. Lesson not learned.
Fortunately, having a hopeful feeling when the worst seems certain is not a Christian idea at all. When the worst seemed certain, Jesus pleaded with God to avoid it. It was not a prayer confident of bright tomorrows: "Take this cup from me. But not my will, but yours be done." It was prayer grounded in the realism of unanswered prayer, to a God who is to be prayed to because he invites us to do so whether we feel like it or not, to a God who runs the universe splendidly, whether we pray or not.
Here's the lesson I have learned from Jesus, a lesson reinforced by four decades of failed prayers. It doesn't matter how I feel when the worst seems certain. Jesus didn't say, "Ask when you feel hopeful." He just said ask. And he said it will be given.
What exactly will be given is not entirely clear! When it will be given is not noted! How it will be given is not specified! Jesus is being his usual elusive self in this enigmatic saying.
But two things seem clear. First, we are to ask God for things that are important to us, no matter how we feel about God or prayer or the thing prayed for. In Jesus’ theology of prayer, there is no hint that prayer is the way we transcend desire, as if having desire was a sign of spiritual immaturity. Desire is apparently what humans do, something woven into the fabric of our humanity from day one, a divine gift, the first hint that we are made for something outside ourselves, a something that can only be realized by taking the first small step of asking. Prayer is not a way to overcome desire, but the first thing we do with it.
Second, once we announce our desire to God, it’s his job to deal with it. Prayer is not manipulating heaven to fulfill our desires. It’s putting what we desire into the hands of a loving, if inscrutable, God and letting him fulfill it in his time, in his way.
Of course, sometimes he’s gracious enough to answer it in our time and in a way that makes sense to us, like reaching down into the bowels of the earth to raise those who were as good as dead.
the wow factor
so... neurology is therapeutic.
but i will not forget those who looked after me in days past...
H... every bit of your kindness, your time spent listening, bits and pieces you did for me, counted in making my days a bit more bearable.
G... found you scary initially...but then you became rather entertaining. and the chance to witness how a life can be saved by everything happening appropriately and timely because of you... is priceless.
J... hoped i could work as your resident! (but then we would be shit magnet x2~） can always remember those small but really important gestures of kindness and encouragement you showered upon us even when you yourself were going through immense stress. such are the things that inspired me.
and the haem regs... cannot express my gratitude enough... the two of you, and your sharp, candid words, really have been my source of wisdom and support.
i am sceptical about what's perceived as the wow factor in the christian world.
someone rude and swearing becoming "nice" and... non-swearing ?
appearing bold and courageous about adverse life events?
completely unimpressive.
i most appreciate honesty in a christian.
to me:
the more sincere and candid one is about his/her weaknesses and defeat, and the more willingness to share these with the generation to come--
the more wow factors one possesses.
Hope
I will look forward to:
the neurology rotation where ppl i will be working with have all taught me when i was a student, where I will get to see the diagnosis of many psych patients...
the unlikely though not impossible opportunity next year to witness my friends morphing into wonderful med regs on the ward and being loved by interns...
I will look forward to these things...
and pray that I can steadily walk through the small pool of muddy water in front of me for the next 6 weeks.
that I will not become hopeless and give up.
Masha has a new song~
Hotaru is so nice... despite the style.
I hardly ever found a Masha song great on first listen... (probably except Keshin) but for some strange reasons mostly of them inevitably end up becoming favourites played over and over without me getting sick of them. (and thats largely independent of my love for Masha himself :D)
anyway FM has been so active for the past 3 years I kind of feared that he will burn out... after all he's the type that likes to do things at his own pace and take prolonged breaks from time to time. Last yr with Keshin I almost thought he was about to become depressed... @__@ LOL but I think with Ryoma this yr... he has picked up so well~ and has thus given fans so much more reasons to be joyous. ^___^
Please continue to be this way~ *hearts*
---------------------------------a line to separate one obsession from another------------
I haven't blogged in english for a while... for the past 1 month plus i have been playing hard with my imaginary friends again... LOL ie. watching slamdunk for the 50th time probably. Really felt like a good catch-up with high school friends... Yes... maybe I attended PLC, but at the same time i also attended this other high school called Slamdunk~ LOL
and ideas for the new story i want to tell just kept coming~ coming~... even after the trauma of losing my initial draft...
probably for the rest of my life the only things I will have real passion writing for are slamdunk fanfics... *horror* *but maybe its not that bad!*
the greatest revelation this time: after reading SD for 10+ yrs... I finally realised what an awesome intelligent person Rukawa is... for the past 10+ yrs i thought he's this mere single cell organism with low IQ + EQ and who can't do anything except basketball... LOL
and Jin-san, Maki-san, and Kiyota-chan~ you guys really really felt like friends from high school... ^___^ i hope i can push forward with this story about all you three lovely ppl.
wander restlessly
There are always a few things you would not learn to appreciate until you are older. Fixing life and values too early prob is not a great idea...sometimes.
I never liked A Dream of Red Mansions before 25yo despite having read the book at least 7-8 times when i was half that age. After all it was the easiest one to read out of the big four. When i was young i despised romances and preferred stimulation from fighting, heros, smart people getting their ways etc etc.
I think I have finally reached the age to start gasping at the beautiful nuances, the intensely complex structure, the endearing personalities...
...and appreciating the costly lifelong effort that was solely invested in this book.
I have been reading Nietzsche quotes... think I got instantly attracted by this:
"Of all that is written I love only that which is written with blood. Write with blood: and you will discover that blood is spirit."
Just... impressive.
Though I prob love Rilke more. Thinking about the following lines can always stir up so much emotion inside me~ never knew why. hmmm... the power of poetry? LOL
Who now has no house, builds no more.
Who is now alone, will long remain so,
will stay awake, read, write long letters
and will wander restlessly here and there
in the avenues, when the leaves drift.
2.0 BREAK
Dear Shinji Ikari, when i see you scream and kick and fight like a man and take the initiative with your girl, i do not know if its a good thing, or bad.
Dear Rei Ayanami, when my beloved bandage goddess seems to have acquired all the bandaids from... cooking attempts?, i do not know if I should laugh, or cry.
Dear Asuka Langley Soryu (or is it Shikinami now?!), when you out of all people become the altruistic third wheel, i do no know if that makes me feel happy, or sad.
but I have missed you all, all these years.
and so glad to have met you all again. 
Favourites.
After forcing myself to do a few unpleasant but very necessary tasks, I decide to do something pleasant to reward myself and feel happy... well... until that on-call phone rings and the next misery hits... 囧
A conversation a few days back:
why are you so pessimistic? said my happy rehab reg.
I don't know. I replied: though what you say sounds rather familiar... am sure my med reg last yr asked me the exact same thing...
rehab reg: ....
(prob thinking: so hopeless...)
anywayz----------------------- (thats the separation line)
My most favourite man and woman... in the same photo. (Sorry Kou-chan, who's a very 囧 background.) However I fail to see any chemistry between Masha and Maya Miki. They don't fit that well... hmm... at least it seems to me.
so they shall remain as my favourites, separately. :D
but here is my fav couple. Good-looking 40-something auntie + not-so-good-looking 40-something uncle. Superintendents Okita-san and Muroi-san, ever since watching Suspect Muroi Shinji, I have yet to find another couple who can spark more chemistry than between the two of you. :)
and I think Masha goes well with Kou-chan. They both have this "anxious" kind of look.(-_-||| don't know how to describe) The other day I found this photo among my collection and thought it looked very very nice. 
and Kou-chan is going down the path of becoming a really beautiful auntie! saw her photo from Oh-Oku... *in love*
When Keanus become happy blobs...
Had a REALLY GOOD day today.
If i don't write the above words down, I will for sure forget about it and think i have not had good things happening to me and I am feeling so defeated all the time blah blah blah...
my current registrar is one very kind, gentle, giant happy blob. When he talks to the consultants they have to poke their heads around his shoulder to make sure i am there. over the course of last 3 wks his lunch box has drastically downsized to 1 small plastic bowl half filled with veggies b/c of his recent dx of dyslipidemia and glucose intolerance. Apparently his wife banned him from having adequate oral intake for dinner too. >_<
Today he asked me to certify some of his documents. I looked at his passport,and I was petrified. We know what passport photos can look like, but he had a cool skinny face and looked just like Keanu Reeves in his photo! (I mean for a passport photo even Keanu Reeves may not look as good as Keanu Reeves... 囧)
Apparently the passport photo was a mere 3 years ago. I was @__@ and really couldn't hold back from asking "What happened?" He said he has had many exams for the past 3 years and liked to binge-eat when he studied and hence became this blob now. And he sounded really sad... :( am sure his wife is sad too. Its understandable when one married Keanu but got a happy blob now and one wants to get Keanu back, but maybe Keanus should not become happy blobs IN THE FIRST PLACE... 囧
I caught up with Maxine today and went to Koorong for the first time in more than a year's time. Its beautiful doing things that seemed to be only memories from your student years, and in a very beautiful weather too. It was SO GOOD being listened to, being understood, and being encouraged. will treasure this memory~ :) I hope you had an enjoyable afternoon too (despite my conversation these days being so devoid of any good things).
and I found the book I wanted from Koorong. Without a title and author, I managed to pick it out... O__O(and it was discounted too) Anyway its been a while since I last read a non-fob book and couldnt put it down. 2 chapters into this and my stomach is already aching from laughing too much.
Good humour is always serious. I strongly recommend:
I'm Fine with God... It's Christians I Can't Stand by Bruce Bickel and Stan Jantz
prophesy(quote, unquote) 2
from 2009:
masha has a new album. on the album cover he has this new 2-min-noodle hairstyle.
i am so horrified that i cant even decide whether i can still like him or not.
surely someone with such horrible taste... >.<.........
or maybe his new album will be so good that i can overlook everything else. ^-^
yep i got so turned off by 2min noodles that i didnt listen to Keshin until like end of last year.
And even to my own surprise, Keshin is now my favourite Masha song. The song was so good that even 2min noodles became very appealing indeed.
and now I have to pay for my superficiality. First edition of that album was all....SOLD OUT~~~~ -__-|||||
prophesy(quote, unquote)
I am usually afraid of looking through my old blogs. afraid of the stupidity, and especially, the bad English from time to time. -__-||||
Tonight I was just too agitated by the on-call phone and decided that reading anything will distract... 囧 It has the worst possible ring tone but I still haven't figured out a way to change it! anyway... too much stupidity already~ -__-||||
It is kind of defeating to read words back in 07 and realise that they have become reality(despite the fact that my mood actually has a marked improvement this yr so far comparing to 2nd half of last yr):
"do i want to continue in this useless inadequacy struggling to please everyone & everything with my life and finding that i have failed in every aspect, especially... that I have failed myself...& God?"
囧. I don't know what else I can say at this point of time.
What Evangelicals and Atheists have in common
This is so good I can't find a word to describe. http://www.outofur.com/archives/2010/04/what_evangelica.html
i wonder sometimes why we still put up with some people's crap. or i probably should only say I regretted every single moment in the past when I put up with such crap and thought I was doing the right thing.
Keshin
LOL I don't know how many times I will end up talking about this MV.
It rekindled my love for Masha at the end of last yr.
the other day I realised with much surprise that since watching this MV I have acquired at least 3 new clothes items in that shade of blue.
and the madness continues... I got my first ipod yesterday... >.< (for many years i never thought i will need or want an ipod!)
when i browsed the shelf I just stared at the blue one and thought: how wonderful it will be to play Keshin on that blue ipod nano!
this is worse than being materialistic, this is pure random purchase out of obsession. O__O.....
anyway cant describe the joy I felt when I watched Keshin on the ipod. I even named it "Keshin". LOL
Keshin by Fukuyama Masaharu
Life is what happens to you while you're busy making other plans
As above.
and... poster for the movie I badly want to watch this yr. I hope the English subs come out before 2011.
*aside: but its full of old & ugly ppl!*
*more aside: yes it is. though I hate to admit. >_<*
I just HEART the word "happiness" put next to Sumire-san~ :)
囧 What an article that speaks to the heart...*guilt*
http://www.kyria.com/topics/spiritualformation/theologyspiritualissues/10.78.html
i sometimes wonder why even in my worst days i still can find Christianity Today articles so readable.
anyway strongly recommend.
MUROI-SAN you are finally getting a promotion!!!
DANCE AGAIN.
Anyway, Odoru Daisousasen The Movie 3 is finally going to be out in 2010...
after this many years. >.<
and its absolutely delightful to know that lovely Muroi-san is going be promoted in this movie... after being ostracisized to Hiroshima in 2005 Yougisha Muroi Shinji.
*sigh* he will probably be demoted again at the end of this movie. 
and I hope Sumire-san is married to Aoshima by now. after all she is not young anymore.
though its a pity that the most beautiful female superintendent Okita will be missing from this movie... :(
I havent been watching too much of Fukuyama Ryoma at the moment.
A lot of ppl liked the Ryoma from Jin last year. Though I find the character too brainlessly exaggerated.
anyway, I trust Masha will be GOOD as Ryoma.
and there is at least something new:
Jin is prob one of the best medical dramas I have seen, very interesting setting. I think I havent seen Osawa Takao for years, and didnt know he can be so comical. LOL
Why do good dreams come when you dont necessary need them?
i used to sometimes come up with really organised storylines in my dreams, very exciting imaginary worlds, sometimes completely beyond my imagination say when i am alert + oriented.
when i was echucaing I found it really hard to survive and sometimes i prayed for just a good dream, pieces of imaginary goodness I could hang on to just to have some courage for a day.
but none came.
i took a nap this afternoon and dreamt about the early parts of Three Kingdoms.(i really havent thought about 3K for months)
similar story line but in a really different, ancient metropolitan kind of setting. Diao chan no longer a tool in political conspiracy but quite vocalising and has her agendas too. most amazing Zhou yu appeared early, ?with some dark past/secret involving death of a family member etc, and he's good looking for once... Thank goodness... how many movies/TV series i have to see where they HAD to make Zhuge Liang more handsome than Zhou yu?
Full of jap manga individualistic goodness.
Too bad I woke up before I found out what happend to Zhou yu.
I have prob spoken too early. Maybe I will have a traumatising night tonight.
In progressive edema
growing post.
if i dont do this i will never feel motivated to write it all.
i thought about what name to give to this post. Maybe something like Retrospective Diary of a Despairing Aunty in Echuca will really do it justice, but... i wont i wont. Its too sad already even if i dont give it such a pathetic name.
In Retrospect
I am no longer suicidal, no longer in despair, but I am probably still depressed.
Even when I have a day with only 2 patients I am still depressed.
Depressed to the point that i dont want to watch any TV or movies on weekends in case they turned out to be bad and then it would be intended sleeping time all wasted.
Depressed to the point that I think I dont even love Masha anymore and I dont look forward to his new CD or his new "blog" entries or his 2010 taiga drama.
However---
I have stopped blurting out swearing words.
I have stopped sitting in my car and telling God: just make my car hit the next tree so i can die. surely you have enough people doing your work. i can't do it anymore. don't make me do it, just let me die.
I have stopped crying my eyes out in public. (lol this may have been said too early)
I have...kind of...looked forward again to God's promises.
I have found new joys in reading fob girly magazines and buying skin care products.
and I still can feel so happy when---
having a big fatty meal with irene;
gossiping with wei in half chinese about roundness;
seeing edmund smiling so kindly at met calls;
visiting my gp supervisor and secretly wanting to pinch her chubby daughter on the cheeks;
playing cards and eating junk food with meddies at wan's house.
Maybe I am not actually depressed. Its just still the slow process of ferritin + platlets going down after ASR.
I love God, but I am completely insightless!
when i heard stories about ppl who were embodiments of Christian faith i was always sceptical and suspected some major underlying dogginess going on in that person's life.
I never suspected dogginess in John Newton.
It surely turned out rather dodgy.
It really angered me why was I not told the truth to start off with.
Surely there is a difference between :
becoming an anti-slavery campaigner after conversion to Christianity;
becoming a slave ship master after conversion to Christianity, and over the course of next 20-30 years developed anti-slavery views.
John Newton is not dodgy. He is much more of a human figure to me now. I respect him more for the developing insight in such an insightless person to begin with.
And God is more amazing because of this.
But Christian articles or books (and especially children books) which evade the facts, deliberately or not, I am sorry I don't want to read a single word.
If i end up having kids, i would rather they read decameron than read such crap. If they get such crap for presents/prizes, i will throw them out. What a horrid shame if my kids end up mis-educating others about "John Newton" with ignorant Christian pride...*shudder*
A Small Step
I had a good wk after the above 2 stories.
Had a really busy take day, but surprisingly i enjoyed it. a lot of interesting patients with not entirely surgical issues, some indeed quite medical.
I have enjoyed a day of work, not because of psych, not because of the company.
just because of the patients and their medical issues waiting to be sorted out.
surprisingly so.
or maybe not so surprising given my "surprising" ability to work, in such sharp contrast to my passive unethusiastic reluctant-to-speak student years.
and maybe, surg is not going to result in mental breakdown as my lovely co-intern has so feared for me.
maybe surg can be therapeutic.
but I have not been good. I still so easily turn to where my comfort is.
Dear Lord
Dear Lord
Can I have a day...
when i don't so easily burst into tears...
when i am don't always hate you so easily...
when my devotion means something to me...
when i can actually remember the wonderful things you did for me...
when i can stop being ungrateful that you saved my life on the way back from echuca...
when i can feel your strength sustain me...
when your presence becomes more important than the circumstances...
Can I have such a day, plus not faint in theatre.
ah, i am trying to be honest here
Why does Masha always speak to the heart?
When it comes to things like self-reflection, personally speaking,
whatever I can remember about the past, are usually not very happy events!
“Ah~so good! That time…was absolutely awesome!” memories like such,
I usually completely forget.
I belong to that generation…when you always want to apologize to people..*laugh*
I never thought that after I grew up, whatever I can remember the most are always things regretful.
Even though I am saying this, I knew I can never go back and start again,
but I would never stop and not move forward just because of that!
Of course, because we are human, there will always be unforgettable regrets remaining in our hearts…
When we did not apologize to people, when we feel we could have done things better… etc
but we cannot stop because of that, we still have to face the future…
A future of better lives, to be of comfort to our past regrets---
most of us would just want to be happy and hopeful.
Talking about music and lyrics and topics as such,
for everything to end on a hopeful note, I think its quite unnecessary
I usually want to make things go in a hopeful direction when I am writing songs,
but now I think it’s ok if I stop trying so hard
When you can’t look forward,
It’s alright to have an ending!
I think its absolutely necessary to have hopeful dreams of the future,
but to always remain hopeful is not easy.
Sometimes we realise things are not easily done, we may still need to accept reality etc
At those times, we won’t be able to walk forward with our heads up,
So what can we do about our inability to stay positive?
Its probably not that bad if we just keep things as they are.
After all not everything has to end on a hopeful note!
My favourite star/most respected person/role model is a non-Christian.
After the initial attraction of cute Prof Galileo, knowing Masha and learning from his life+ thoughts is quite life-changing.
Hey no one ever told me that before! Hey I want to grow up to be like this person! Hey when I am old if I can share inspirational thoughts like him it will be great!
Such thoughts are very rare for skeptical critical me.
The surprising insight + honesty are really two things I do not see very often in the world around me, but what I think are the most important qualities one should have.
I’ve been living in some fear for a long time.
If my role-model is a non-Christian, then does it mean I will find “something else” acceptable? If in the unlikely situation it happens to me.
Or maybe I should stop being anxious of possible future anxiety.
Masha’s words can surprisingly shed light on my spiritual life.
Although I know if I do not have God the weak useless me would not have survived life… and would not be able to become the person I myself am comfortable with…
whatever I can remember about my past Christian walk, are usually not very happy events!
“Ah~so good! That time…was absolutely awesome and uplifting!” memories like such,
I usually completely forget!
or feel very detached about.
Especially during the stressful low times when I most need to recall His amazing past grace, even when I compile a physical list I find it impossible to compile an emotional list.
And the repetitive flashbacks I get the most are the disappointments, the frustrations, the impatience, the failures, the past horrible things I myself have done, the past horrible things other Christians have said in absolute authority etc etc etc…
I just haven’t tried hard enough to forgive + trust.
Or should I say most of the time the words + concept of forgiveness + trust + thanksgiving did not cross my mind at all.
There are many things I need to feel ashamed about, truly ashamed about.
Especially as I am not really doing much about it.
Not only have I forgotten how good + unconditional God has been over the years, I think I have also forgotten how good + unconditional the Christians around me have been over the years.
In or out of the church(but especially within church), I think its just impossible to count how many times people gave me the love and support without expecting returns, and repetitively accepted and tolerated my weaknesses + bad behaviour.
In front of these people I am probably the most immature, irresponsible, rude, passive aggressive, scrutinizing and ungrateful---
While without much self-awareness or remorse.
Despite my usually frequent sorries and thank-yous.
Sorry minna-san.
And I hope I really meant it.
And Masha is really a blessing. :)
all of my days
echuca in 1 week.
i remembered the start of my clinical years, when grp 9 + 11 happily walked on the night streets of bendigo; me and tiff randomly sang P&W as we walked, one of the songs we sang was "all of my days".
and all the cooking me and irene did in bendigo and alexandra: the dumplings with fat oozing out... the fried rice with 6 eggs... the boiled veggies... the midnight ice cream and cheesecakes...
i am just getting old and sentimental.
i youtubed "all of my days" and ended up teary in front of my computer.
those gloomy despairing days when i was plagued by a wide assortment of fears... when i dreaded walking into every tute room... when i dreaded talking to anyone/everyone... when i secretly felt i wanted to jump down from top of austin day before osces...
and yet those are behind me now.
but probably waiting for me again ahead.
we had hot pot w/ our reg the other day.
something i just have to happily show off to everyone about.
it's probably going to be exactly the same as when i left psych.
pathologically dependent of the past, unappreciative of the present.
maybe by the end of echuca i will also have a good cry and hate to leave etc.
its just the norm for me now. 囧
I had not liked my 6 student years at all.
I just wanted to graduate with my friends.
I did not forsee that one day i can end up liking med, enjoying med---
despite the constant supply of failures, abuse and humiliations.
When i was a student I can channel all my emotions elsewhere to things i liked.
I can just be apathetic and detached in my real life.
Now that I am working I dont have the time to do so.
I became emotionally labile.
Maybe I have always been, I just didnt know.
i never realised I am so horridly dependent on others.
maybe echuca will do me some good---
without a reg who will say: dont worry lets get a needle and some iodine and do the shoulder aspirate now, knowing i had some traumatic unsuccessful runs w/ ortho and radiology;
and without a co-intern who readily picks up the phone just to be told off by urology/surg/MRI radiologist, after listening to my various PTSD grumblings...
now its time to wean off.
i feel completely unworthy of such blessings.
but thanks to jules who prayed for me the other night.
even without people around me, the Lord will go before me.
THANK YOU.
i did not know things can one day turn out like this.
and yet my faith is still so fluctuating despite all Your goodness. >___<
Forgive me.
masha spoke of a very very endearing topic:
Last night when I went home...those unwashed clothes...were in a big pile(laugh).
Some clothes can't go in the tumble dryer, but some won't matter, right?
usually takes a machine an hour or so to finish washing.
I thought if i wait a hr for it, then go to sleep, should be alright.
who knows~ I had my dinner, drank a bit of wine, fell asleep on the table.
...as i felt "ah so cold!" I woke up: I just fell asleep like that on the dinner table!
i was like: oh no! dunno if the washing was done yet...
when I went to brush my teeth, I finally looked into the washing machine,
separated the clothes for hanging dry/tumble dry, started the dryer,
brushed my teeth, and went to bed...
I was thinking at that time: Give me back my concert~~~
i just became very impatient with myself doing household chores.
Its true! One moment I was on the stage telling people: SEE YOU NEXT TIME!
---the next moment I ended up shivering at home*laugh*, and still had to wash my clothes...*more laugh*
...at that moment i really wanted to say WHY DONT I JUST DIE...indeed...
though we have machines helping us cleaning up, we really dont have robots who know how to separate clothes for hanging dry/tumble dry!
even masha is so 囧 w/ housework... :D
this is the air i breath...
it took me a long long time to start liking med.
the impression can easily be that because i had a good week i am feeling more positive.
but i think i made the decision end of last week that this is my life, and for the remaining 5 wks in med i will enjoy it as much as i can.
so bad. when i start to like something its usually time for me to go.
maybe the turning point was...after all...the wedding on saturday.
i struggled for quite a while whether or not to go and inspect that front row with increased activity.
when he collapsed onto someone's shoulder i think i stopped struggling.
to my own surprise i actually could make some clinical judgements and knew of what to do in that initial moment of panicked frenzy.
but the feeling really disturbingly became 'chick finding its mother hen'(囧) when lovely ED trained dr jason turned up on the scene and said the lovely words:
ppl in seizure usually can protect their airways, don't worry.
:D having a senior doctor around can really make me feel very very happy.
after all i didn't seriously panick that day, given my atrocious GAD past history. knowing jason was sitting across, danielle was just outside the door, oh and...
andy lim was there somewhere at the back.
:D
i now faintly feel like a doctor.
maybe it is an improvement from early in the year, when i was still so ashamed to call myself by that name.
edmund did many long cases this wk.
and he went to his tutes with his reg friends.
and he signed up to 1 LC 3 SC presentations next wk.
me and wei are very happy, our consciences finally clean. ^-^
wei has been so... altruistic these 2 wks. (and also making personality incongruent remarks..O.O)
to the point that i think about what he did and just want to cry. -__-|||||
no wei has always been altruistic.
but when the target of his altruism is not me but students or histronic nurse in charge i really would like to do this:
*hiding my face in shame*
I am a very 囧 aunty... as always.
but i got to listen to student LC as well this week~ and gave them my mcq practice papers~ and they were really thankful~ and i was all hearts and flowers afterwards...
maybe i am just a very soft-hearted 囧 aunty.
despite feeling so nice and soft hearted and not pressured nor anxious...
my yelling at nurses behaviour escalated.
today i had a yelling competition w/ a nurse who threatened to cancel an ambulance for transfer if i did not do a d/c/s when she demanded.
in the end she said she will discuss w/ the nurse in charge and never got bk to me.
i was all furious thinking she just went away and cancelled the ambulance without informing us.
so 5min after posttake i was fuming inside and went straight up there all prepared for a futile 2nd round, dragging wei with me for backup and/or on-call anger management.
only to discover ambulance was ready and discharge stuff was ready and pt was ready to go w/ nil issues.
囧X10 + guilt for being so disinhibited...
but maybe deep down i secretly took pride in it...
*horror*
Lord help me.
