Jeremy Lin... and the rest

i had another argument with my mum regarding the current business. she's deeply hurt about how deeply ungrateful and twisted i am, and has fallen into one of her dark silent moods which she hasnt been doing for a little while. but hopefully, this can put some breaks on her urges in the future... and hopefully not work the other way round.

it seems that I just turned my back to reality a little and now the whole world is crazy about this Jeremy Lin thing, well, especially the Asians abroad population. i know the mainland chinese population would very much like to as well... but the fact that he's twnese made everything just slightly awkward(...which i think is quite a welcoming relief).

i've been finding it hard to rejoice about this brother in Christ's achievement, despite the fact that any of us happen to achieve anything on such scales being rarities, and despite basketball being the only sport i can understand and enjoy spectating. i've attempted hard to inspire myself with his testimonies... but... end of the day it lacks the personal touch i was desperately looking for in someone at such a unique position, and its really not deviating far from what comes off the usual church assembly line. you hear similar things being proclaimed by aunties healed of back spasms so that they could serve soup in the church soup kitchen without spilling, or girls of their menstrual pain so that they dont have to go through the traumatising process of popping a celebrex before P&W rehearsals.

but maybe... such testimonies are exactly what christians should be doing. and i am just as savage as any fervent pagans for viewing them in such flippant ways.

i have an almost pathological aversion to the never failing connection between God's grace and "success" in all facets of life, and the distress and discomfort we invariably have to go through when we are being perceived as failing, that the christian and secular world are surprisingly, frightfully similar in meting out such perceptions.

its tough being cancerous. Its probably impossible being a christian, and cancerous. a melodramatic faith performance would be expected of you. anything short of a miraculous healing will likely result in bitter disappointment from, if not yourself, maybe the most of your social network, and especially the ones who likely will not even be much grieved by your departure.

Has JL's Christian views only become worthy up there on the pedestals because he succeeded in the secular world? and all his 3-pointers now automatically a form of somewhat christian triumph? and what if he becomes injured? then fails in the volatile professional sporting world? what then? we wait till his next surge of success to have the heart and gladness to say to the world that there is again good evidence that God is among us?

i love my list of favourite ojisan christian writers. not only that they are able write insightfully sympathetic things... every time i see an unimpressive photo of them i have the sense of comfort that they could just be the driver in the car behind me horning angrily as i doze off at the red light, or the grumbling customer in chinese restaurant after finding half a cockroach in his stir-fry. Strangely, thats the kind of ppl that earns my respect most easily.

i probably would be frightened working with bosses who like to motivate underlings to become superhumans or love machines, but i will have great respect for one who despite objective evidences of his/her successes, christian or secular, would through professional interactions, be able to reveal to me that he/she is just as painfully and ineffectually human as any other sons of Adam. and any chance of "love" or success, arises only from that.

and that, certainly is not a Christian exclusive ability. reflecting back, majority of the past registrars who managed to shape and inspire my work philosophy(...in their variable shapes and forms, and entirely not because of how perfect or respectable they were), were non-christians.
and i can only thank God for their presence and how much God has blessed the path of this life through them.

and how can i forget that my one and only role model of many years is a non-christian? certainly wish i can continue to learn many things from FM, and he could continue to be that one and only role model for me, for many years to come.

Mark Galli writes many redeeming words, and those were exactly the ones i had wanted to hear this week:
"We are too often tempted to justify our existence on this planet by doing something "significant," by "making a difference in the world," so that we can go to bed at night feeling good about ourselves. But the Christian message is about a God who judges and loves us in our insignificance—that is, when our selfcenteredness has sabotaged our ability to make any fundamentally sound contribution to our lives or to others'. This God speaks to us the frank word that not only do we not make a difference in the world, day to day we threaten to make the world worse by our sin. But in Jesus Christ, he has judged and forgiven us through the Cross, and now he uses even our insignificant efforts to witness to his coming work in Jesus Christ."

I recall an interesting occurrence with a pastor last weekend. He visits our church often, and over the years has said many great things. now that same wkend i happened to have upgraded my mobile to a smartphone for the very first time, and really... had very little idea how to use it, even in terms of making a call.

so as the pastor shared about his afflicted physical health in the last few months and how he was telling his treating doctor how dare anyone to suggest operating and removing anything from his body, i discovered with horror that my new phone was telling me that it didnt have a sim card and i could make emergency phone calls only.

i certainly wonder sometimes why i go through thoughtless panic at the most inappropriate times just like then i became paranoid of evil spidermen dropping from the church ceiling to attack me and my phone's only able to make emergency calls. (wait it can still make emergency calls? even if say the church... really... has evil spidermen hiding on its roof...)

so i sat there, insightlessly and panickingly fumbled and prodded and shook my new phone hoping to make it work again, and listened on, of the pastor launching into numerous attacks about the medical profession, of one about a medical friend of his, previously talented in evangelism now disappointedly just wanted to focus on his career, of another about how MBBS truly stands for something silly and ludicrous, of how all doctors are arrogant except for one (which i suspect is the only one he knows personally from this church)...

retrospectively i wondered... if the fumbling and preoccupation with the phone was really about delusional evil spidermen, or it was really a subconscious passive aggressive defense mechanism that someone shouting such ill-informed abuses from the pulpit really has nothing positive to offer to my spirtual life and hence not worth paying attention to?

i dont know how obvious my panicked movements in my usual low-profile back row position was, but towards the end of that sermon he related about how he once yelled at another church member of his for playing with a smartphone during his preaching, only later to discover that the person was checking bible verses and taking sermon notes on his phone.

it would be interesting to know whether the story was told by coincidence or on purpose, but i guess i wouldnt have the chance to know. at least, i was obviously prodding and shaking my phone, looked nowhere near bible flipping nor notes typing.

and i was unremorseful. as the church was dismissed and the pastor stood at the back shaking everyone's hand, i was still preoccupied about my spidermen, with head bowed and fingers picking at the sim card slot of the phone, when he stretched his hand right into my face.

my memories of sermons are usually poor, but that one with its medical abuses and associated inappropriate phone behaviour, and that hand stretched right into my face stuck firm in my head. retrospectively i feel genuinely sorry for the old man afflicted with probably serious health issues and God knows what kind of emotional torment to the point that he could only release his stresses by attacking the medical profession from the pulpit.

and i sincerely hope he could claim some sort of victory rather than ran into the risk of offending his social network, if not himself.

yet i would have much more respect of him, if instead of what he said, he could stand there and tell the congregation frankly that he now really dislikes doctors overall because of the stresses and traumas some members of that profession may have inflicted on him.

now, no spidermen dropped from the church ceiling that day, and my phone miraculously recognised its sim card as soon as i left church and arrived at box hill central. I wonder still what kind of lessons God was trying to teach me through that ludicrous little episode...

but first i must have some self-control in not being delusional about spidermen, and learn to leave matters when its completely unnecessary to sort them out on the spot.

and, this, really, is not that hard.

My Father's Suitcase

It has been years, and this is still full of awesomeness. especially at this moment in time, it is more true than ever.

"So let me change the mood with a few sweet words that will, I hope, serve as well as that music. The question we writers are asked most often, the favorite question, is: Why do you write? I write because I have an innate need to write. I write because I can’t do normal work as other people do. I write because I want to read books like the ones I write. I write because I am angry at everyone. I write because I love sitting in a room all day writing. I write because I can partake of real life only by changing it. I write because I want others, the whole world, to know what sort of life we lived, and continue to live, in Istanbul, in Turkey. I write because I love the smell of paper, pen, and ink. I write because I believe in literature, in the art of the novel, more than I believe in anything else. I write because it is a habit, a passion. I write because I am afraid of being forgotten. I write because I like the glory and interest that writing brings. I write to be alone. Perhaps I write because I hope to understand why I am so very, very angry at everyone. I write because I like to be read. I write because once I have begun a novel, an essay, a page I want to finish it. I write because everyone expects me to write. I write because I have a childish belief in the immortality of libraries, and in the way my books sit on the shelf. I write because it is exciting to turn all life’s beauties and riches into words. I write not to tell a story but to compose a story. I write because I wish to escape from the foreboding that there is a place I must go but—as in a dream—can’t quite get to. I write because I have never managed to be happy. I write to be happy. "

- from "My Father's Suitcase" by Orhan Pamuk

and to my own parents who have managed to make a living hell out of the precious time that really should be one's most relaxed and happy, which one really may not have another chance of in a lifetime.
thank you for being so destructive.
yet i fully understand why you come to such thoughts and actions, and could not help pitying you.

i only have my pen... not an impressive one... but i only have my pen.

mental state deterioration

we had a horrid run of 2 wks plus of absolutely impossible workload, and everyone (except pharmacist, God bless her~)expecting things to be done with the exact same efficiency as when ward was fully staffed... while refusing to offer any help and only adding to the stress.

i ended up in tears last friday at work (which i have not done since internship). mental state deteriorated since... saying nasty thoughtless things to ppl... then realising it... then mental state deteriorating even more.

and attending interviews in such burnt-out state... needing to say how passionate i am about my job... was a herculean effort.

however a conversation today redeemed me:

nurse: blah blah(patient)just said he wanted to kill his psychiatrist.
consultant (easy-going and happily married with 2 cute kids): I don't mind! Kill me, kill me now!! (in stressed-out tone of voice)

i asked her if she would like to spend sometime in HDU...囧

but that was redeeming.

before consultant left today, she forced me to take my afternoon off---
and i happily complied.

God is humorous

I finally caught up with my mentor today. Hardly saw her after neuro last yr. my gosh...even just half an hr of conversation was so...insightful,encouraging and to the point... just cleared my mind.
really therapeutic(didn't expect her to be so therapeutic after all!)... so glad I chose her at the start of the rotation, and stuck with her... even after being suggested multiple times by seniors re: there were things she should have done for you but did not/let me know if you want to change mentor blah blah blah...

I want to become a psychiatrist like her~~~~ *starry eyes*

and i come back to the ward to discover my pt out of nowhere changed her mind abt some major life decisions and unloaded it all onto me. God is humorous, but I freak out too easily and fail to appreciate His humour MOST OF THE TIME. or maybe I really should acknowledge there is no simple happy endings? ie. we really cannot fix pts and unrealistically think their lives might be sorted out "along the way"?
I have a long way to go... God help me.

今天重读完FOOTPRINTS后最想說的一句話：還是請祢把我抛下大海吧！

Ashes to Ashes

I have noted with some kind of a disturbing relief that I have finally become sick.
a long overdue swollen hurting throat, coryza, muscle aches, lethargy...
a sickness I have longed for 7 months ago, but never came at the time I wanted.
A time when I day by day felt I had drained all my motivation to push on for the next, and yet felt too guilty to take time off but prayed daily to become physically sick so I could legitimately rest from the daily trauma.

When I tried to think back to the past year, small and big things became so bright and shiny, that they glared into my eyes.
The seemingly endless desperation and failure ongoing from the start of the year, in stark contrast to the sheer joy and peace of the daily motions towards the end of it.

Maybe there are people around who deserve my apologies:
The poor friend who deserved a happy cozy farewell but instead witnessed me laughing hysterically as my car got scratched in the car park and wondered what really was going on.
The poor neighbours who were ready to call the police (its true!) after hearing me screaming and crying so loud because of what i thought to be the end of everything, but what essentially was just... "a bad day at work"?

and ones who deserve big thank-yous:

Friends who have kept me alive in the past year.

The reg I have so wanted but never got a chance to work with. Still I had the privilege to witness her never failing effort going an extra mile to make others' lives a bit easier, even while carrying her own burdens and stresses...

The consultant and reg who within a week completely lifted my spirit from my yearlong(even longer) gloom...
the same consultant who set the rare priceless example of genuine concern and humility combined with charisma and intelligence, that will inspire me striving to be the same in many years ahead...
and the same reg who's so therapeutic not with charisma but with brokenness and negative energy. Such is what can motivate me to push on in times I feel too ashamed to push on in my own brokenness...

And I still want to make a mention of The Professor's Death Song:
http://www.booksandculture.com/articles/2011/janfeb/professorsdeathsong.html?paging=off
The last days of the last working year was dedicated to this wonderful article... I find such honesty so touching and redeeming.
I pray Christianity can continue to empower us to approach this universally uneasy concept of brokenness with honesty, understanding and grace.

I have finally become sick.
I felt this is finally the conclusion of that epic working year.
And I love such an ending to the story.

"justification"

another profound line from Mark Galli:

We human beings have a way of turning profound truths into justifications for all manner of behavior.

..............

after realising all this...

I should forgive more.

Hopeless Prayer

*how many times do I have to post this...*
but indeed... only once in a blue moon we are this honest.

Hopeless Prayer by Mark Galli

"Ask and it shall be given."

So lots of people asked that 33 miners trapped a half mile beneath the earth be rescued. And they were.

It's the sort of thing that makes prayer that much harder, don't you think?

Some people make it sound easy. "God has spoken to me clearly and guided my hand each step of the rescue," Carlos Parra Diaz, a Seventh-day Adventist pastor at the San Jose mine, told The Guardian. "He wanted the miners to be rescued and I am His instrument."

When extraordinary things like this happen, it brings out the megalomania in some people. But I think a local Catholic priest had it right: "God has heard our prayers." Lots of prayers from lots of people.

And it was given.

When this sort of thing happens, I feel like I'm being set up. If prayer never "worked," I could deal with it sensibly. I could just give it up. Or give up one type of prayer—intercession. Just stop praying that God would do this or that, change this or that. Prayer could just be communing with God. But when God answers prayer like this, it sets up this god-awful expectation that God gives to those who ask.

"Ask and it shall be given" is a nice, warm saying, but it should really be, "Ask and sometimes it will be given." Or more realistically, at least in my prayer experience, "Ask and once in a blue moon it will be given."

Answers to my prayers happen so rarely that I am SHOCKED, SHOCKED, when they happen. I'm not talking about everyday prayers—for safe travels or healing from a cold. God seems to take care of travelers and colds whether I pray for them or not. I'm talking about prayers for things I really care about, people I'm really worried about—that a friend might come to know Jesus, that a loved one will be healed of cancer, that a relative will give up drugs. There seems to be an inverse prayer corollary in my life: the more important the prayer, the less likely it will be answered. But indeed, once in a while a big prayer is answered—like the college friend who became a Christian, or a church member who was healed of cancer—and my jaw drops and my eyes fill with tears. I'm astounded, again, that God would answer prayer.

This after living the Christian life for over four decades.

* * *
When it comes to the REALLY BIG prayers, well, I'm a hearty believer. I regularly pray for peace on earth, but it hasn't done any good. Still, Jesus said it would happen, and so as far as I'm concerned, this prayer will be answered.

Some day, far in the future. That's the rub with REALLY BIG prayer. It's so far in the future that it feels pointless to pray it. It's so assured of happening—whether I pray or not—that you think, What's the use?

And yet Jesus tells me to pray such prayers: "Our Father … thy kingdom come." Pray for the thing that's going to happen whether you pray or not. Pray for the thing that is so far in the future and so unimaginable that you feel silly praying for it.

He's also the one who said, "Ask and it shall be given." I'm pretty sure he meant this for big and small prayers, and everything in between.

Ask for things that are likely to happen whether you pray or not.

Ask for things that are unlikely to happen.

Ask for things that get answered sometimes but not others.

Ask when you feel like asking is selfish. Ask when your asking feels foolish. Ask when you feel hopeless.

And it will be given.

* * *
It's that last state—feeling hopeless—that characterizes my prayer life most days. I have so few important-to-me prayers answered that I'm afraid to pray for such things anymore. Who wants to be disappointed with God again?

So I find stories like the answered prayer for the Chilean miners more irritating than inspirational. As a CNN story says, the miners "showed us there is hope even when the worst seems certain." Well, for me when the worst seems certain, I have the hardest time having hope. Sorry, CNN. Lesson not learned.

Fortunately, having a hopeful feeling when the worst seems certain is not a Christian idea at all. When the worst seemed certain, Jesus pleaded with God to avoid it. It was not a prayer confident of bright tomorrows: "Take this cup from me. But not my will, but yours be done." It was prayer grounded in the realism of unanswered prayer, to a God who is to be prayed to because he invites us to do so whether we feel like it or not, to a God who runs the universe splendidly, whether we pray or not.

Here's the lesson I have learned from Jesus, a lesson reinforced by four decades of failed prayers. It doesn't matter how I feel when the worst seems certain. Jesus didn't say, "Ask when you feel hopeful." He just said ask. And he said it will be given.

What exactly will be given is not entirely clear! When it will be given is not noted! How it will be given is not specified! Jesus is being his usual elusive self in this enigmatic saying.

But two things seem clear. First, we are to ask God for things that are important to us, no matter how we feel about God or prayer or the thing prayed for. In Jesus’ theology of prayer, there is no hint that prayer is the way we transcend desire, as if having desire was a sign of spiritual immaturity. Desire is apparently what humans do, something woven into the fabric of our humanity from day one, a divine gift, the first hint that we are made for something outside ourselves, a something that can only be realized by taking the first small step of asking. Prayer is not a way to overcome desire, but the first thing we do with it.

Second, once we announce our desire to God, it’s his job to deal with it. Prayer is not manipulating heaven to fulfill our desires. It’s putting what we desire into the hands of a loving, if inscrutable, God and letting him fulfill it in his time, in his way.

Of course, sometimes he’s gracious enough to answer it in our time and in a way that makes sense to us, like reaching down into the bowels of the earth to raise those who were as good as dead.

the wow factor

so... neurology is therapeutic.

but i will not forget those who looked after me in days past...

H... every bit of your kindness, your time spent listening, bits and pieces you did for me, counted in making my days a bit more bearable.

G... found you scary initially...but then you became rather entertaining. and the chance to witness how a life can be saved by everything happening appropriately and timely because of you... is priceless.

J... hoped i could work as your resident! (but then we would be shit magnet x2~） can always remember those small but really important gestures of kindness and encouragement you showered upon us even when you yourself were going through immense stress. such are the things that inspired me.

and the haem regs... cannot express my gratitude enough... the two of you, and your sharp, candid words, really have been my source of wisdom and support.

i am sceptical about what's perceived as the wow factor in the christian world.
someone rude and swearing becoming "nice" and... non-swearing ?
appearing bold and courageous about adverse life events?
completely unimpressive.
i most appreciate honesty in a christian.

to me:
the more sincere and candid one is about his/her weaknesses and defeat, and the more willingness to share these with the generation to come--
the more wow factors one possesses.

Hope

I will look forward to:

the neurology rotation where ppl i will be working with have all taught me when i was a student, where I will get to see the diagnosis of many psych patients...

the unlikely though not impossible opportunity next year to witness my friends morphing into wonderful med regs on the ward and being loved by interns...

I will look forward to these things...
and pray that I can steadily walk through the small pool of muddy water in front of me for the next 6 weeks.
that I will not become hopeless and give up.

Masha has a new song~

Hotaru is so nice... despite the style.
I hardly ever found a Masha song great on first listen... (probably except Keshin) but for some strange reasons mostly of them inevitably end up becoming favourites played over and over without me getting sick of them. (and thats largely independent of my love for Masha himself :D)

anyway FM has been so active for the past 3 years I kind of feared that he will burn out... after all he's the type that likes to do things at his own pace and take prolonged breaks from time to time. Last yr with Keshin I almost thought he was about to become depressed... @__@ LOL but I think with Ryoma this yr... he has picked up so well~ and has thus given fans so much more reasons to be joyous. ^___^

Please continue to be this way~ *hearts*

---------------------------------a line to separate one obsession from another------------

I haven't blogged in english for a while... for the past 1 month plus i have been playing hard with my imaginary friends again... LOL ie. watching slamdunk for the 50th time probably. Really felt like a good catch-up with high school friends... Yes... maybe I attended PLC, but at the same time i also attended this other high school called Slamdunk~ LOL

and ideas for the new story i want to tell just kept coming~ coming~... even after the trauma of losing my initial draft...

probably for the rest of my life the only things I will have real passion writing for are slamdunk fanfics... *horror* *but maybe its not that bad!*

the greatest revelation this time: after reading SD for 10+ yrs... I finally realised what an awesome intelligent person Rukawa is... for the past 10+ yrs i thought he's this mere single cell organism with low IQ + EQ and who can't do anything except basketball... LOL

and Jin-san, Maki-san, and Kiyota-chan~ you guys really really felt like friends from high school... ^___^ i hope i can push forward with this story about all you three lovely ppl.

wander restlessly

There are always a few things you would not learn to appreciate until you are older. Fixing life and values too early prob is not a great idea...sometimes.

I never liked A Dream of Red Mansions before 25yo despite having read the book at least 7-8 times when i was half that age. After all it was the easiest one to read out of the big four. When i was young i despised romances and preferred stimulation from fighting, heros, smart people getting their ways etc etc.
I think I have finally reached the age to start gasping at the beautiful nuances, the intensely complex structure, the endearing personalities...
...and appreciating the costly lifelong effort that was solely invested in this book.

I have been reading Nietzsche quotes... think I got instantly attracted by this:

"Of all that is written I love only that which is written with blood. Write with blood: and you will discover that blood is spirit."
Just... impressive.

Though I prob love Rilke more. Thinking about the following lines can always stir up so much emotion inside me~ never knew why. hmmm... the power of poetry? LOL

Who now has no house, builds no more.
Who is now alone, will long remain so,
will stay awake, read, write long letters
and will wander restlessly here and there
in the avenues, when the leaves drift.

2.0 BREAK

Dear Shinji Ikari, when i see you scream and kick and fight like a man and take the initiative with your girl, i do not know if its a good thing, or bad.
Dear Rei Ayanami, when my beloved bandage goddess seems to have acquired all the bandaids from... cooking attempts?, i do not know if I should laugh, or cry.
Dear Asuka Langley Soryu (or is it Shikinami now?!), when you out of all people become the altruistic third wheel, i do no know if that makes me feel happy, or sad.

but I have missed you all, all these years.
and so glad to have met you all again.

Favourites.

After forcing myself to do a few unpleasant but very necessary tasks, I decide to do something pleasant to reward myself and feel happy... well... until that on-call phone rings and the next misery hits... 囧

A conversation a few days back:
why are you so pessimistic? said my happy rehab reg.
I don't know. I replied: though what you say sounds rather familiar... am sure my med reg last yr asked me the exact same thing...
rehab reg: ....
(prob thinking: so hopeless...)

anywayz----------------------- (thats the separation line)

My most favourite man and woman... in the same photo. (Sorry Kou-chan, who's a very 囧 background.) However I fail to see any chemistry between Masha and Maya Miki. They don't fit that well... hmm... at least it seems to me.
so they shall remain as my favourites, separately. :D
but here is my fav couple. Good-looking 40-something auntie + not-so-good-looking 40-something uncle. Superintendents Okita-san and Muroi-san, ever since watching Suspect Muroi Shinji, I have yet to find another couple who can spark more chemistry than between the two of you. :)
and I think Masha goes well with Kou-chan. They both have this "anxious" kind of look.(-_-||| don't know how to describe) The other day I found this photo among my collection and thought it looked very very nice.
and Kou-chan is going down the path of becoming a really beautiful auntie! saw her photo from Oh-Oku... *in love*

When Keanus become happy blobs...

Had a REALLY GOOD day today.
If i don't write the above words down, I will for sure forget about it and think i have not had good things happening to me and I am feeling so defeated all the time blah blah blah...

my current registrar is one very kind, gentle, giant happy blob. When he talks to the consultants they have to poke their heads around his shoulder to make sure i am there. over the course of last 3 wks his lunch box has drastically downsized to 1 small plastic bowl half filled with veggies b/c of his recent dx of dyslipidemia and glucose intolerance. Apparently his wife banned him from having adequate oral intake for dinner too. >_<
Today he asked me to certify some of his documents. I looked at his passport,and I was petrified. We know what passport photos can look like, but he had a cool skinny face and looked just like Keanu Reeves in his photo! (I mean for a passport photo even Keanu Reeves may not look as good as Keanu Reeves... 囧)
Apparently the passport photo was a mere 3 years ago. I was @__@ and really couldn't hold back from asking "What happened?" He said he has had many exams for the past 3 years and liked to binge-eat when he studied and hence became this blob now. And he sounded really sad... :( am sure his wife is sad too. Its understandable when one married Keanu but got a happy blob now and one wants to get Keanu back, but maybe Keanus should not become happy blobs IN THE FIRST PLACE... 囧

I caught up with Maxine today and went to Koorong for the first time in more than a year's time. Its beautiful doing things that seemed to be only memories from your student years, and in a very beautiful weather too. It was SO GOOD being listened to, being understood, and being encouraged. will treasure this memory~ :) I hope you had an enjoyable afternoon too (despite my conversation these days being so devoid of any good things).

and I found the book I wanted from Koorong. Without a title and author, I managed to pick it out... O__O(and it was discounted too) Anyway its been a while since I last read a non-fob book and couldnt put it down. 2 chapters into this and my stomach is already aching from laughing too much.

Good humour is always serious. I strongly recommend:
I'm Fine with God... It's Christians I Can't Stand by Bruce Bickel and Stan Jantz

prophesy(quote, unquote) 2

from 2009:

masha has a new album. on the album cover he has this new 2-min-noodle hairstyle.
i am so horrified that i cant even decide whether i can still like him or not.
surely someone with such horrible taste... >.<.........
or maybe his new album will be so good that i can overlook everything else. ^-^

yep i got so turned off by 2min noodles that i didnt listen to Keshin until like end of last year.
And even to my own surprise, Keshin is now my favourite Masha song. The song was so good that even 2min noodles became very appealing indeed.
and now I have to pay for my superficiality. First edition of that album was all....SOLD OUT~~~~ -__-|||||

prophesy(quote, unquote)

I am usually afraid of looking through my old blogs. afraid of the stupidity, and especially, the bad English from time to time. -__-||||
Tonight I was just too agitated by the on-call phone and decided that reading anything will distract... 囧 It has the worst possible ring tone but I still haven't figured out a way to change it! anyway... too much stupidity already~ -__-||||

It is kind of defeating to read words back in 07 and realise that they have become reality(despite the fact that my mood actually has a marked improvement this yr so far comparing to 2nd half of last yr):

"do i want to continue in this useless inadequacy struggling to please everyone & everything with my life and finding that i have failed in every aspect, especially... that I have failed myself...& God?"

囧. I don't know what else I can say at this point of time.

What Evangelicals and Atheists have in common

This is so good I can't find a word to describe. http://www.outofur.com/archives/2010/04/what_evangelica.html

i wonder sometimes why we still put up with some people's crap. or i probably should only say I regretted every single moment in the past when I put up with such crap and thought I was doing the right thing.

Keshin

LOL I don't know how many times I will end up talking about this MV.
It rekindled my love for Masha at the end of last yr.
the other day I realised with much surprise that since watching this MV I have acquired at least 3 new clothes items in that shade of blue.

and the madness continues... I got my first ipod yesterday... >.< (for many years i never thought i will need or want an ipod!)
when i browsed the shelf I just stared at the blue one and thought: how wonderful it will be to play Keshin on that blue ipod nano!
this is worse than being materialistic, this is pure random purchase out of obsession. O__O.....

anyway cant describe the joy I felt when I watched Keshin on the ipod. I even named it "Keshin". LOL

Keshin by Fukuyama Masaharu

Life is what happens to you while you're busy making other plans

As above.

and... poster for the movie I badly want to watch this yr. I hope the English subs come out before 2011.
*aside: but its full of old & ugly ppl!*
*more aside: yes it is. though I hate to admit. >_<*I just HEART the word "happiness" put next to Sumire-san~ :)