Red Moon

it was red moon last night, as i was driving home.
Red moon = kyo, kyoshiro, yuya-san, akari-dono, and yukimura-sama
unfortunately yukimura-sama wont have a birthday this yr.

had 2 reali busy days with minimal decision-making input. Reg kindly informed me that she will be away on monday. likely we will have at least 2 aggressive ppl stepping down into renal failure, one of them also refusing methadone & going into withdrawal, a couple CK+++++ on clozapine, another few of previously uncontactable dissatified families on the phone, plus a big pot of other varieties of biopsychosocial problems to deal with.
No worries. i will still be on adrenaline rush or whatever stress response after trauma from the sunday cover.

Despite all these, i still love psych.
and at least, none of my doctors r horrid ppl uptight and mean to others and irresponsible themselves.
i should really be grateful.

by chance i saw this picture in some website.
She's the most beautiful woman from my memory.
Happy Valentine's Day, Rika Akana.

Beautiful Day

Happy birthday Masha.
I had a good day today, but not because of Masha.
Masha is not my lucky charm and will never be.
But as I grow old, i want to aim to be an honest and insightful person like masha.
and it doesnt matter if i am still going to be over-anxious about everything.
if i am going to lose sleep over my job or watever performances.
if i am still going to be passive and unconfident.
if i am going to be desperate about not getting married in my thirties.
Masha has been like so. i can be like so, and still be a useful person comfortable with myself.

I remember my reg last wk telling my consultant something about when she was feeling overwhelmed on the ward she would come to epping plaza pet paradise to look at baby doggies to de-stress. I was horrified that a person so smart and organised and assertive like her would be overwhelmed by the nurses.
well i think i had a taste of it this wk. I found this one nurse so horrid that comparing to her everyone else were angels.
however experiences with her were actually very entertaining in retrospect.
i will call her Obasan.
our first conversation went like this:
Obasan: (sunddenly with a loud high pitched patronising voice drawing out every last syllable) D-O-C-T-O-RRRRRRR..
YN: Yes? (startled, unconfidently polite)
Obasan: blah blah needs leave medicationnnnn... have you done blah blah's ONL medicationsss????
YN:(uncertain shocked anxiety): I sent blah blah's medications 1 minute ago...(didnt i ? HEY OF COURSE I DID!!!!)
Obasan: (wounded and offended): i was just askkkking i wasnt being rudddde...i was trying to be niccccee and politttte and just asskkkkking uuuu...*for the next 10 mins)
YN: ( 囧X100) *smile X100*: no worries no worries... X100
10mins later
Obasan: SO... have you done blah blah's ONL medicationssss???
YN (in slow primary school teaching rate and clarity of speech): I have written up blah blah's medications 11 minutes ago and sent that in the chute 10 minutes ago and it should be in pharmacy now.
Obasan:*pause* *pause* *pause* (confused look thinking hard for 5 mins)
YN: *in a frozen stupified 囧 state now*
5mins later
Obasan: OKKKK then... just leave it to meeeeee... i will sort it outtttt....
YN: *still in stupified 囧 state wondering if i was thought-disordered or her*

囧is my best friend.
she would be terrorising other nurses at 12pm about 8am bloods for a patient, 2 hrs after the results were documented in the notes right infront of her.
If she was asked gently and politely of something she would immediately turn and loudly command another nurse: DOCTORRRR wants u to give the information for....
To avoid hearing her chasing voice, i came in early today and prepared all the discharge paperwork in front of the folder for reg. No effect. Reg got patronisingly spoken to as soon as she arrived at the nursing station.
Obasan: (demanding like the queen of the ward) blah blah is getting discharged todayyyyyy... you havent done any of the paperworkkkkk blah blah blah....
before i could turn back and tell her firmly that things were done I heard something that just made me laugh~
Obasan: *flipping open the folder to proven her point*---*saw paper work there*---*paused*---then to reg:
SEE! I already put the paperwork there for you to signnn, i even put stickers on for youuuuu...
It was just so childishly horrid to the point of being hilarious.
but she "worked" REALLY hard. not even having lunch by half past 2. as i looked at her with horrid fascination i realised that if i dont use my brain efficiently but always saying i am busy and working hard and not having lunch...
I would be as HORRID as her.

I had to run away at lunchtime. New reg being so nice offered to take the admission herself so i could sort things out. >.<
much thanks to wei's timely help my salary package is finally sorted out. i was still too overwhelmed to even talk then. when i came back worried that i took too long, i realised with great relief that my prev consultant hadnt done his teaching session yet and i could still attend.
Then i spotted my prev reg in the reg's office typing up d/c summaries. consultant and reg caught up and i just felt happy to see them again.
i think i felt rather attached deep down.
i think because of them i started to like my job, despite my complete lack of confidence.
During last week everyday driving on the road i felt like i want to burst into tears. i think i am just too grateful they were so nice then and didnt contribute in anyway to exacerbate my sense of trauma or self-pity.
But i wont be talking about them too much from now on. Anything more would be pathological.

This week i felt better. At least no longer bursting into tears in the car. Peaceful relations at home. I am like an Alzheimer patient after some anxious distraught traumatic uncertainty period finally received my sentence. the acceptance of the inevitable made me calm.

I will not forget what has been most important.
God has been so merciful in the past few weeks.
So merciful that sometimes i wonder if terrible me is really worth all that trouble..
if i have no confidence that i will continue endeavour to commit and surrender in the future.
when i knelt down in distress He listened and made things happen, without needing much patience on my behalf.
if not for His strength I would have took everything out on fob tabloids and not be committed to my work at all.
if not for His blessing I would not have had such nice tolerant non-stressful doctors who were so easy to work with.
and maybe... I NEEDED this PSYCH rotation at this particular time to cope with all these.
I am still really scared that my offering would be made out to be Matt 15:5-6 when it really wasnt the case. >.<

I have emptied it all. i feel much better. Now i can rest and enjoy my weekend.

Happy Birthday Masha~

masha is turning 40 this friday.
the thought of that made me very happy too.
Happy birthday Masha, I hope you will have a very very good time.
And thank you for all your encouraging words.

last year i have decided that when i start to earn money i will support my favourite stars and buy non-pirated stuff.
Anyways i will start with Masha. :D
will also check online dvd stores for some of the BBC series i had wanted to watch for a long long time...
and cant wait till saturday when i can go shopping! will bring home beloved sherlock, hugging it all the way on the train. *hearts*(i hope reader's feast will still have stock...>.<)
i have been out of touch with non-fob stuff for a long time. only realised recently that a new Sherlock movie is in the making... starring robert downey jnr. To me his crude hollywood feel REALLY doesnt suit holmes, but we will see...

i feel better on the psych ward now. Sometimes yukawa-sensei's word just flash before my eyes and make me touched:
There is no useless gear in this world. Each gear will have to determine its own use.
its an interesting saying to reflect upon in the psych ward.

i realised i will never get the Suzuki SX4 that i liked.
but i still want to see Turkey and Spain sometime in the next few years.
and i still want to visit sherlock in london.

i guess i will always find a way to make things happen, if i first make it clear to myself that i want them bad enough.

ha~ maybe abnormal

Mum made sure things are miserable at home.
i am ashamed to say that my road rage has recently resurfaced, speeding, breaking hard, swearing inside my head, almost went thru a red light today. >.<
While feeling so labile this morning, reg's nice words almost made me cry. Maybe there is indeed this special species of "female asian non-melbourne doctors" who are just so similarly extra kind and tolerant: Danielle, GP last year, tiff-like reg who leaves by the end of the week. >.<
Consultant has been extra nice. despite my poor english and broca's atrophy, the mental state grilling after each ward round has been what i've enjoyed most about this job.

Thank you irene for being my bucket this lunchtime. >.<
hopefully can find alison tomorrow in ED. Aliken on leave will probably enjoy the company of "Ken-chan"... :D

i am weaning myself off the excessive tabloids, and will go back to writing.
I feel too old to waste time.
Hopefully avolition will not escalate, and I can perservere.

Masha is officially turning 40 next month, working as hard as ever. He recently wrote a new song dedicated to his grandma, with 2 lines of the lyrics as following:
encountering others, trusting others, being hurt by others
hating others, forgiving others, then understanding others

this coming from Masha, is really... enough for me.

I discovered another beautiful chinese tv series while feeling miserable: The adventure story of a king and his grp of friends helping ppl in distress and punishing bad ppl. Story funny and simple, but full of traditional flavour and the dialogues were just beautiful: beautiful classic vocab and lots of references to ancient literature, but so well put that even children can understand and be educated.
Really felt like something I would have enjoyed as a child.

The king was played by a not so well-known twnese actor, often seen playing baddies or DV men in those really auntie shows.囧...
but he looked SO GOOD in period costume...
and he looked a lot like Masha...
and he does this Galileo laugh in the series...

Something to enjoy definitely.
King
King and friends*大心*

"normal"

I had a good day today.
this morning reg and consultant, with full smiles, came over to the HMO office after ECT, just to pick me up to go to breakfast with them. Consultant shouted us coffee, and reg waved to the counter lady: tax invoice tax invoice please! then turning to consultant: you need to salary package... blah blah blah~ LOL
then had lunch with reg... reg as petite as tiff... she ate this massive plate of chips.. o.O then consultant gave me and reg a tute on depression after lunch. He also suggested us to read Kafka. He found his works of interest in a psych way, very fine examples of thought disorders and ambivalence... o.O
i stayed "late" to the other HMO's horror, but finished most of the paperwork. slowly doing things more efficiently now.

i think i have been feeling very lonely at work, seeing mad ppl and nurses ONLY most of the time. I dont get a chance to run into ppl on wards or corridors. i dont get a chance to even lanpage ppl cos no one lanpages on the psych ward and it just doesnt work on the computers.
normal human contact can just make me very happy.
even wen i look back to my sunday cover i really wasnt so "traumatised". I actually felt good in a sense, able to talk to bei, occasionally paging sanka, and nice med reg always just a phone call away...
and the reason why monday morning was so "refreshing", was that reg and I did paperwork together and we chatted as we did things.

i liked psych so far, but i do realise the potential horror of it.
The sense of isolation can just be so overwhelming when you are flooded with mad ppl all day.
and i dont know... even though the med nurses were annoying with their pages...and i seriously derealised and depersonalised under pressure, but they just felt more "normal" and didnt make me feel so..."by myself"---in similar ways as how mad ppl made me feel.
thought hard about it, still cant rationalise my feelings.
and i thought i am so otaku that i would never mind being on my own... i never realised i only become really "on my own" when i cannot turn to the support of fobby stuff i enjoyed...

anyways nothing concrete, my impression of everything in 8 wks time may be very different.

reg told me the other day, rather sympathetically:
lots of psychiatrists are gay, many are lesbians, the rest have a 50% divorce rate.

LOL what a bleak prospect..

but i guess if one is in the habit of psychoanalysing everyone and does professional naming calling to those closest, its really not a surprise for one to end up divorced.
psych doctors dont have the right to look down and disrespect everyone else, deluded that they have the power of mind reading.
neither does a church person have the right to look down on the mental health system, just because they dont get such troubles.

mum has refused to allow me shouting her and dad a CNY dinner.
she sent out the message clear. i really want NOTHING, but ur obedience to my beneficial directions for u in life.
I cant help but think about what i read and remembered as a child: a magistrate who doesnt embezzle can be 10 times more horrible than a magistrate who does.
she has a long standing habit of making ppl feel bad during times of celebration.
but when i was driving, i saw an awesome number plate: FC 8888.
It made me laugh, and feel very 过年.
and i will go shopping tomorrow and forget about all that.

psychoed

first week in psych. reg is assertive but nice, same surname as tiff, similar height as tiff, dress sense similar too. first few days I did have to think for half a second before i called out her name.
consultant is new but also nice. he can tell the most disturbing sarcastic joke with the calmest and kindest smile. We were informed that HDU is due to close for plumbing problems, and he cheerfully suggested we could be all swimming in patients' poo. If i wasnt so stressed i would have had a gd laugh, at how disturbing his thoughts can be. i did some terrible mental states, but at least remembered the negative symptoms of schizo. He may still find me vaguely educatable, and hence suggested that he will educate me more next wk when we get time.
all sounds good, but---

i see a me in every psych patient i see.

the man with the strong religious ideations, who would not let anyone use any inappropriate words to describe his beliefs.
the woman who distresses and bothers every staff on the ward and later apologises profusely to everyone's disgust, on a daily basis.
the man who attempted suicide and later so cheerfully said he's so grateful that he was saved. He would hate to part with his love---his roomful of star trek collections.
I frowned and so quickly pulled away from that childish labile woman who cried to me in distress: I dont want to talk! Talking doesnt help! Let me go home! Medication didnt help me at all!
and 10 hrs later I did and said exactly the same things, kneeling beside my bed in distress:
i dont want to talk! praying doesnt help! church stuff wont help! i want to be back in SH...

i do this to God...
so I wont have to do this to other people...
so i wont have to do this in HDU...
so ...

I never thought i am "LUCKY" when mum doesnt want me to pay home monthly after working, i knew other demands would come, but i underestimated how quickly they would come.
and in such a disgusting way they came.

i still have my choices, could easily ignore her.
but i cant pull myself out of the anger and misery now.
the thought of having to drag myself to a different church this arvo made me more miserable and i have decided not to even try.
and i dont know how much stress i can handle tomorrow in such a state.

I used to think my first pay can at least make me excited and motivated for a short while.
It probably wont.
and it will probably become like Cain's offering, when i am feeling so terrible.

end of last yr i strangely thought to myself...
if intern year gets really bad... i still want to live till i see Masha playing Sakamoto Ryoma in the 2010 taiga drama.
it may come to use, when i am feeling bad and become so short-visioned and amotivated.
Just like how we have to rely on that man's star trek when planning his discharge.
So terrible.

antibiotics, anhedonia, ugly uncles... and the rest

I am back.
Whenever i think of those words, the image of red haired kenshin smiling under a bright blue sky always appears before my eyes.
the shanghai church I used to go to was renovating and temporarily closed, and kinder friend is away in the US, so i went to another church.
It was such a good church.
over 2 weeks I heard 2 pastors preaching really insightful life-related sermons. this is like the first time i heard china pastors preaching insightful sermons.
I was so amazed.
and the church has really clean toilets. many aunties in the toilet were saying with great satisfaction: hey the toilet here is really good...blah blah... :D
who knows? who knows if someone would come to church... for the clean toilets?


Abuse
to save family from fear anxiety and bad mood following any minor sickness i squandered money and excessively self-medicated traditional anti-inflammatories +/- antibiotics at the earliest sign of a mucousy throat throughout my stay in china.
and i didnt get a cold.
and family was happy.
and because of that i am happy, in my sense of achievement, like an absolute medical illiterate.

Anhedonia
my local hairdresser was handsome and looked alot like leehom, and he was friendly and kind and flattered me saying i looked only 20...
but i was scared of being ripped off and lied through my teeth telling him i was pov and from kunming... o.O
and i was too anhedonic to establish any meaningful conversation despite all his sweet talking efforts.

when i walked out from my home in shanghai there was always a group of neighbouring old ladies sitting outside gossiping/cleaning veggies/enjoying the wintry sun.
i disliked them cos i was too anhedonic to greet gossiping strangers and be friendly to them everytime i walked out of my house.
but when i dragged my luggages out on the last day the group of them sitting there all warmly waved me goodbye, even the ones i never bothered to look or smile at.
i was touched, and felt bad.

i think anhedonia is a bad thing.

Ugly uncles
i think i am falling in love with chinese historical dramas again.
over the years i became very disillusioned with those, when they invariably attempted to paint emperor characters as heroes, portraying dictating self-righteousness as a majestic air, and cruel stupid sacrifice of their subordinates as intelligent noble necessity.
completely lacking the humane touch and interesting characters of jap taiga dramas.
but this time i watched a good one... a really good one.
and i watched 50 episodes in 3 days.
i became interested in this series because one of my favourite uncle actors was playing the genius prime minister and his rich scholarly girlfriend was played by one of my favourite actresses.
well might give it a try just to watch the cute couple, as i thought.

the story turned out to be surprisingly engaging, history simple but not downgraded, details and dialogues made so interesting that even my grandma enjoyed the political and military stuff in the series.
most importantly, the king character, who unconditionally supported the prime minister, was surprisingly sincere, honest and convincing.
he was played by a really ugly uncle actor who used to play handsome & morally suspicious businessman characters in many series, hence i disliked him.
but now i am all hearts over the ugly king, and his smart ascetic girlfriend.
when a chinese historical drama is good... nothing can compare.

the genius prime minister
the ugly uncle king

Red Cliff
New year i watched Red Cliff I on TV...
surprisingly good. so glad i didnt miss it.
I resisted seeing it cos I could not accept the idea of Takeshi Kaneshiro playing Zhuge liang. To me he's the typical brainless handsome man who can never handle such a genius character.
yet he was beyond my expectation. by the end of the movie he convinced me that he was Zhuge liang.
much better than tony leung, despite his frequent appearances and that revitalised face, could not convince me that he was Zhou yu.
and i cringed every time he was going mushy with that taiwanese lady. they must be one of the most horrid screen couples.
but but... to my joy... i saw the lovely ugly king again in Red Cliff :D he was playing Lu su, the Waston-like good-hearted sidekick to Zhou yu, who's also kind and friendly to Zhuge liang. *all hearts again*
Really looking forward to Red Cliff II, and hoping for the unlikely opportunity to see it somewhere on big screen.

KIDS
when i was straightening my hair and feeling rather anhedonic, this little glasses boy sat down opposite me.
his mother was busy doing hair and just left him in the hands of the hairdressers, who left him there for like 20mins+...
he has really high rising eye brows which gave him a perpectual startled lost expression on him face...
poor kid...
he was really shy... hesitated lots and spoke very little as the hairdresser asked him questions. only when the hairdresser was about to start his job the boy finally said some words...
surprisingly clear... stating wat he wanted with a very professionally hairdressing, almost anatomical term...
everyone who heard it was rather impressed.
he was unmoved, went back to his silent startled face.
*all hearts*
i used to think only stupid binge-eating kids are cute.
now i've changed my mind. smart kids can be really cute too.

the olympics lip syncing girl now does many ads.
she has the most sickening attention-seeking smile on her face.
everytime i see her on tv i want to hit her.
maybe i have the potential to be a child abuser. o.........O

Suspect X
My face was beaming with love when i saw the cover of "yougisha X no kenshin" in the bookshop.
could not believe i finally own a copy of it.
raced home with excitement, read it over and over again.

when i read it first i felt no sympathy towards ishigami-sensei.
only the noble words of yukawa-sensei touched me.
this time as i read it again and again, i suddenly found Ishigami-sensei really touching as well,
as he is meant to be.

things-to-get
i thought for many years: when i get my first salary the first thing i will go and buy is a set of annotated sherlock holmes.
as this day draws close, i guess i have to decide that there are much more important things to do, much more important stuff to buy.
so dear sherlock has to wait a while more.
and after sherlock...
i will buy non-pirated masha CDs & DVDs... and other favourites...
and...
and...
and...
I have alogia, avolition, anhedonia... and zero confidence.
and I start working the day after next.
>___<
ganbatte ne to myself.

YOU

I have realised wen i stop blogging I dont spend the time studying but do things even less constructive. I've been wanting to write this for a long time but my avolition has already escalated to a new high... >.<
So to be at least baseline constructive, i will try to at least update this everyday so hopefully i'd have spilled out everything i want to say by the end of the semester.

Language
I realised only recently that certain words in chinese can never be full translated into english and certain words in english can never be fully translated to chinese. "shock" is much more than "震惊", and "献身" is more than "sacrifice" or "devotion".
I have been thinking lately much about the word "幸福". It is more than "happiness", more than "wellbeing", more than "satisfaction"... there just seems to be a much more subjective feel and much stronger emotion attached to it.
irene on quite a few occasions has said that binge eating while watching TV always makes her feel 好幸福~
*深情呼唤Irene同学~~~~~*
Whenever i recall you saying this, I also feel 好幸福. =D

The love"s" of my life
One day i was re-watching Galileo for the Nth time and going starry eyes over Yukawa-sensei for the Nth time. My dad kindly commented on the side: its OOKKK, one day you will move on... Just remember how crazy you were about Slamdunk~ and now you have moved on~ blah blah blah~
well I guess I never told him that over the years I have written 300 000 words for slamdunk...
and hence I guess he will never know that I dont move on but only acculmulate...
If i tell him... I am sure he will become like this poor daddy in the picture :D

Transference
I still get much salvation cringe and sometimes horridly think how good it will be if Christian lives do not involve evangelism.
I know that i am weak and horrible and desperate and totally cannot handle pain. thats why I need God BAD...really BAD...
but i am in no position to force others to feel like me or to flash my weaknesses as some sort of spiritual superiority...
hence i fear, doubt, hesitate, and do not move.
The other day I looked at the clock and knelt down to pray and then looked at the clock again after praying: 2 minutes. o.O
I never prayed well and still dont pray well. For me to express thoughts into spontaneous spoken language has always been a difficult and tiring task. Apart from desperate circumstances when the pain of the situation itself became intolerable, not praying helped me to avoid thinking about the problems I face, the things I selfishly want, the things I fear to lose etc etc etc.
So i could avoid pain.
hence i fear, doubt, hesitate, and do not speak.
sometimes i wonder whats the difference between myself and that overwt hypertensive depressed pensioner sitting across me.
We both need to change things to be healthy and feel better.
yet we feel bad, and that stopped us from doing anything.

Can you keep a secret?
I am passively hostile. I do not easily overcome my fears. I find one subgroup of God's creation absolutely repulsive. I cannot love everyone the same, many people I dont love as Christ have loved me. I rather sit in isolation and turn my own imaginary world into words, than spend the time to talk and smile and be kind & warm to people.
Otaku Christians will find it easier to do daily Bible reading & devotions. Articulate Christians will find it easier to pray long touching prayers, to preach beautiful sermons, and to evangelise. Dependent Christians will find it easier to love and forgive, and head strong Christians will find it easier to stand firm in one's faith. Many times I have wished that I could have another's personality traits so that it will be much easier to be a good child of God, many times my own weaknesses have driven me mad...
i dont know when my own failures will cause too much harm to others, or be too much for myself to endure.
but let me cling again to those words of 2 Cor 12:9-10 :
But he said to me,"My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness."
Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me.

Grow up to be like you
It sounds absolutely retarded and disgusting for me to say such words at 24 years of age. LOL but such is my genuine feeling...LOL more...
if its retarded & disgusting then just let it be retarded & disgusting. :D

Masha has been doing many magazine interviews and again left a bucketful of genuine insightful words. One paragraph says:
Recently lots of people believed that they need to be constantly "in love".
Well I personally don't believe so.
Love which is always trying and always wiling to taste failure probably is...wonderful.
however, a love thats attained reluctantly is not a good thing.
When i was in my 20s i always thought that love and relationship were not necessities for me.
At that time, I would be thinking: hmm...I don't really want relationship badly... maybe I am really weird?...
At that time, even if I was on my own, I totally did not mind but rather enjoyed it.
I thought that days without "love", would allow my own life to become more fulfilled, which was very important for me.

And now... time on my own is still important.
But i do not want to be always on my own.
I used to be very scared of watching The Prophecies of Nostradamus.
Nowadays I find that, if i am still single when i become old--
it is even more scary. *Laughes*

Now I find masha's attitude in his 20s very agreeable.
but i will turn older and uglier, and when my heart grow wan and sallow, I will become desperate.
Maybe that time anyone will do as long as its a male.
maybe that time even the most repulsive will become my golden catch.
but maybe...I will still remain weird.

I hope when that day comes, I will remember how positive and honest Masha's words were.
and that I can be at least positive and honest about it like Masha.
and not use righteous noble selfless spirtual words to colour my own desperation or weaknesses.

Meanwhile I really hope for Masha to find a gf and get married soon and start a happy family and breed lots of little mashas. :D

Which reminds me.... there are talks that Maya Miki sama is in a stable relationship and is planning to get married soon.
*hearts* X 10
no surprise... she is still so pretty and attractive at 44~ of course she will be married soon!

well i hope Maya Miki sama will start a happy family and breed lots of pretty healthy talented little maya mikis (though my medical instinct is rather worried..>.<) LOL
and i still hope I can be half as beautiful as Maya Miki sama when i am an aunty. *giggle*

I would rather die than to...
though i've always been so terrible at prayers, seeing words such as these could immediately shatter me and send me straight on my knees.
http://www.tianya.cn/publicforum/content/funinfo/1/1278800.shtml
It is rather sad and disturbing to see people feeling such hatred and anger towards something they know so little about.
However I really do not find it hard to understand and forgive and even identify with these people's emotions and thoughts.
On the contrary I turn livid with fury and still struggle to forgive those:
-who with a serious and self-righteous face said with absolute certainty that she doesnt believe there is a thing called mental illness.
-who articulately spoke uplifting emotionally charged words which really turned out to be saying that she believes that troubling insomnia is caused by rejection of God and Christians dont or shouldnt have such grievances.
i could not tolerate to see ppl after becoming Christians believe their own ignorance is God's truth and not even have basic respect and empathy for human suffering.
-__-||||| *just because u dont have it now... doesnt mean...
ok i should stop here. I DO do 10 times more terrible things than these good people.
and i live in constant fear that i will become like that without me knowing, on top of my already existent terribleness.

i enjoyed the psych patients in gp. I enjoyed more how my gp treated them not as an inferior species but equal people and her friends. I enjoyed the way how she spoke of them not with negativity or horrid fascination but with love and concern, even when they were not there.
Before the rotation started I lived in amused cynical anticipation of this definite terrible finish to my med student years. I expected five weeks of terribleness and actually received 5 weeks of blessings. despite my excessive pre-exam anxiety now i look back to it and can still say i enjoyed it. nowadays when i drive pass MGP... i feel warm and happy.
Thank you Lord, that was... really unexpected.
and...
No, if I ever become a GP, i dont have to die.

The First of Everything
I had my first car crash this year.
Mum sank into black fury for a few days. To her a crash should never never happen to a car she recently fixed and polished and etc.
I had my first operation (just dental stuff LOL) this year.
dad was horrified to see me vomiting by the sink because of pain. To him such things should never never happen to a overall healthy person.
Maybe despite my avolition, I have "achieved" a few things.
and maybe next year I will "achieve" more... with much pain and reluctance, and horrified expressions from parents.
for example: the first anaphylaxis i will cause~ the first metabolic alkalosis i will cause~ the first patient i will kill....
I am looking at myself horrified...now.

Songs
sometimes i wonder if i would want to go clubbing... if they play songs which i like.
eg. chitose hajime...
LOL that was just a joke. i mean even just Seamo, or Core of Soul.
Haruno Katami by Chitose Hajime always makes me feel touched...and emotional.
Love Somebody by Yuji Oda always makes me feel very Christmasy and cheerful no matter how gloomy my day is.
Ageha by Core of Soul always makes me feel positive and can always bring a smile to my face.
And YOU by Fukuyama Masaharu..
always makes me feel secure and comforted.

Maybe this paragraph will sound so much better... if i mention names of P&W songs.

But I will be honest.

Future
I have realised that I really didn't like med... for the past 6 years. I enjoyed my time spent here, i enjoyed the friends i made, i treasure all the memories of the 6 years and will always look back at them with fondness.
But I do not like medicine.
While ppl on blogs may talk here and there about exam topics, about interesting things they have learned, about progresses they have made, or just mention it as part of their daily lives--
I had not even the slightest interest and did not want to talk about anything medical.
It is rather depressing when I come to this realisation.

But I have to stay positive, at least for now and at least for next year.
And I will stay positive.

I will look forward to my future with Masha's words..again.
Masha who spoke so reasonably and insightfully about everything.
Masha who's not afraid to say that he's desperate.
Masha who lost sleep worrying over the popularity of his show and shared his fear with everyone.
Masha who admitted that he is overcautious and anxious about everything and needs to alway over-prepare before he goes into action.

To be able to pursue a career that you really like, is a very difficult thing.
but if you have strong & persistent willpower,
there will be opportunities for you to find something you really like.
Even if you can't find it, it shouldn't be too far away.
And no matter what kind of job it is, no matter whether it is suitable for you or not,
You can always enjoy your work, and make discoveries in what you do.

Thank you, you are one of those very rare people who convinced and inspired the negative fearful cynical me who distrust almost everything.
Looking forward to more encouraging words from you next year.

The End
I have been wondering. Should I finish off with Eaglewood Dust with the end of this blog?
I don't know.
These days I seem to not want to make any decisions, or take any responsibilities.
Maybe its just fearful anticipation of the future.

Regardless of it all, this is what I will trust.
My flesh and my heart may fail,
but God is the strength of my heart
and my portion forever.

And pray let me never lose this trust.

Chinese tales

reading 八卦 really can brighten up your day. recently i discovered that chinese short stories from thousand yrs ago are hilarious and awesome...
i will translate a few, anyone whos interested in the more gross stuff..*evil grin"...plz read it urself :D
warning: disturbing contents if you are fob and understand the language
http://cache.tianya.cn/publicforum/content/funinfo/1/941605.shtml

There was once a very handsome wealthy student. When he was travelling to do exams in the capital he found accomodation in a monk's house. Every moring he woke up to see his desk & chair & brush & ink all cleaned and arranged in perfect order. He even got daily fresh flowers in his vase. The student started dreaming: people usually say there are lots of beautiful fox spirits in this area. maybe there is one here and she is attracted to me, hence doing all these things for me.:D He was hoping for that with all his heart till one night he broke a corner of the paper window and looked into his study. No surprise he saw someone tidying the room for him, but the person was not a beautiful girl, but a bulky bearded middle aged man! He was horrified and moved house the next day, when he was moving he could hear sighing in the air... O.O

foxy violence
A family had a loft occupied by a family of fox spirits. Everyday they could hear the fox spirits talking and laughing, but they never harmed other people so the family just let them be. One day people gathered in the house and heard fighting noises from the loft, everyone sat closer to it to listen to 八卦. :D Then they heard a voice asking them: gentlemen from downstairs, please tell me: how can a wife bash up her husband like this??? There was one among those downstairs who just had a fight with his wife and he still had a fresh wound on his face from the fight. so people all laughed and told the fox: such things happen a lot these days. No surprise! the fox spirits laughed too after hearing that and stopped their domestic violence. :D

son & water
A magistrate's daughter had obsessive unrequited love for a scribe working under her dad, so she secretly sent her servant girl to bring her the water in which the scribe washed his hand. she drank the water and became pregnant and gave birth to a son. When the child can walk the magistrate brought the kid out for him to point out his dad. The child ran up and hugged the scribe. The scribe was so horrified and pushed the child away. The child fell, and became a pool of water. The magistrate interrogated his daughter, after he found out what happened, he forced the scribe to marry his daughter. 囧

a desiring heart
a peasant found an egg and started dreaming: the egg will hatch a chicken, chicken will produce more egg, more egg turn into more chicken, next month i will have 15 chicken, 15 will become 300, i can use the 300 to swap to 150 oxen, and in the end i can use the oxen to buy a concubine. His wife was furious and smashed the egg. The couple went to see the magistrate. husband cried: this evil woman has destroyed all my properties! magistrate asked: where is your property? how did she destroy it? Husband told the story of the egg and the concubine. magistrate mused: this much property! all gone because of your wife!of course she deserves to be punished. The woman cried: all he said was just in his imagination! Why am i guilty? Magistrate asked: He is no way close to getting a concubine yet! why were you jealous? Woman replied: I am just cutting the root of all evil. Magistrate laughed: he has greed. you have jealousy. Both unrealistic and excessive. In your illusions experiencing such satisfaction or hatred is just pointless and absurd.

anyways ancient chinese ppl are funny ppl. :D
on another note i wonder if i will get to see this movie in cinemas when i go back. *hearts*

china's most famous love triangle in its latest version. :D
the good ppl

the evil guy

apparently the evil guy is not so evil this time but equally good and cute... O.O

these days i really dont want to miss out any fob prettiness but want to see/read every thing and enjoy as much as possible. *hearts* i believe next yr my exposure to fobby stuff will drastically decline which will be very sad... cant read too much 八卦 anymore when i start working. >.< (though i have seen this very 强悍 surg reg openly playing some online rpg on hospital computer *sweat*) 呜呜呜~ i will surely miss all the 八卦... :(

ps. mum and dad will go bk to SH in october. :D YAY!
pps. i am bad... i have not studied... >.<

pretty ppl & beautiful kids

i will write a blog without talking about masha... :D

anyways... reali old twnese series are so beautiful... the other day i had a reali gd discussion about olden day dramas with an aunty at church. we remember many of the old 琼瑶 series with such fondness cos the actresses were all so pretty, then we sighed: the gals in 琼瑶 series nowadays are really not pretty at all... >.<
and today i was just watching the theme song video of this reali old series over and over again... I watched the series in grade 2... thought all the female actresses were so pretty(i even thought the evil mother-in-law was really pretty too)...
and its gd to bring bk those beautiful memories.
the main actress was a famous hongkie actor who went mad and now lives an impoverished despised life. so sad... >.<


i dont like very pretty brighted-eyed smart-looking kids... but i absolutely adore those who have reali squinty eyes and a typical troubled look on their faces.
My fav child is this girl i saw once at church. Pastor was preaching a sermon, and i think the mother wanted to keep the girl quiet so she brought out this huge bag of snacks for her to eat during the sermon.
she had a mushroom head, chubby face, and seasame-like eyes. For the whole sermon she turned her back to the pulpit, staring blankly into all our faces, and silently munching on her snacks NON-STOP.
and all this time with this sad...troubled...perplexed expression on her face, despite how satisfied she was with her bagful of snacks.
when the pastor finished the sermon i was all hearts and flowers. :D

for a while I didn't see her, now I dont even know whether she is still in church or not... *cries*

My Favourite Physicist

the movie Yougisha X no Kenshin (容疑者Xの献身)will be shown in less than 1 month time.
in elated anticipation i went back and had another read of the novel highlights---
---and realised...
Its not because of Masha that I started to like Yuka-sensei, its because of Yuka-sensei that I started to like Masha.
and its more because of Yuka-sensei in the novel than in the tv series.

Yougisha X no Kenshin is so popular, because its a touching story about a perfect crime committed sacrificially by a mathematician for the person he loves.
However I was 10 times more touched by Yuka-sensei when i read of him saying the following words:
这个世上没有无用的齿轮，也只有那个齿轮能决定自己的用途。
There is no useless gear in this world, and only that gear itself can determine its use.
only after all the mysteries unfolded in the story can you realise how noble and merciful those words were.
*tears streaming down like seaweed* Yuka-sensei~ *hearts*

Ending theme for the movie is beautiful, Masha wrote & composed & played the song so of course :D


i went in for a 4-hr cover-shift with Danielle tonite... initially thought i will just leave abit early and crash young adults later. then had a IV for a old man and failed twice... 囧... (and I feel sorry for him cos he's frail and demented and couldnt complain or refuse or yell at stupid med student...)more 囧...
so wen everything is done its already 930... and hence: me so tired so i will just drive home now... despite having taken most of the day off and had a haircut and enjoyed myself with food and various other things.

but otherwise it was peaceful and slack and we had a prolonged dinner. :D danielle was telling me about the impossible work load and i advised her to utilise her med students as much as possible next wk *LOL　I hope Alison wont mind...* :D
and i told her about able to do my devotion every morning now b4 WR starts and feeling much happier b/c of that, and also about spotting a doctor in the northern who looked like Masha in his youth... *大心+ giggle + 害羞地跑开* :D
It was really good catching up and I am happy :D

so yeh these days still 囧 but happily running forward~

The "囧"ness of life

recently 囧is the most fashionable word in chinese culture.
wat does it mean? well just imagine this character to be a face, and think about in what circumstances ppl would show such a face... :D

well first list a few of the very 囧things I did in the past wk:
IVs on monday... forgot to release the tourniquet and keeps on trying to clean away the blood. in the end the old lady released the tourniquet herself. and then i was freaked out thinking she will die of a clot. went on medtrak the next day to see if shes still in hospital... nope she was not. relieved but still 囧...

told by intern to call pediatric ward... not only i dun know the switchboard number... i also had broca's atrophy and dun remember the word "switch"... more 囧

friday morning woke up at 430 for no reason... felt so tired and angry at self for waking up so early so turned off my alarm and decided to sleep thru the day. drifted bk to semi consciousness but suddenly heard someone calling out my name in my delusion... jumped up and realised its 515... 囧.... definitely cant sleep after that so in the end actually made it to 6oclock ward round... 囧.......

friday nite after leaving kat's party for some reason took the lift and went into the wrong car park. wen i realised its not right the door behind me wat locked and couldn't get myself out of that dark deserted carpark... 囧... called dora in distress, then dora and jeremy came to my rescue and got me out... 呜呜呜~ this is indeed very 囧...

and the most 囧 thing is: i used to laugh at my dad for listening to fob brainless chinese radio station wenever hes driving. and these days i listen to it all the time wenever i drive... and i reali enjoy it... 囧


anyways these days busy and tired and inadequate... some days reali felt 2 Cor 12:9 was the only real thing to me. O....O but actually felt less negative and more focused in God so yeh will keep trusting His strength and work in me. :D

talking abt 囧ness it reminds me of one very 囧 thing i saw a long time ago. Once in SH i was shopping with a friend, we stopped at a jewellery stall and spotted a metallic cross pendant with a black plaque in the middle. looked very nice but wen we scrutinised closely... we saw 2 shiny characters inscribed on the plaque...
......
........
......................
the inscription read: F4.

yep thats it for now... next wk 囧 episode 2...

funny quotes

2 quotes i saw today made me laugh:

1.爱情就像两个拉着橡皮筋的人，受伤的总是不愿意放手的那个.
Love is like 2 people holding an elastic band, the one who gets hurt is always the one who refuses to let go.

the next one is extremely funny...
2. 在此呼吁大家，学会修自己的笔记本……嗯，学会修自己的笔记本是很重要的……从前有个人，他不会修自己的笔记本……后来的事情大家都知道了
Here I am making a plea to everyone: learn to fix your laptop...yeh...to be able to fix your own laptop is very important...once upon a time there was a man, he didn't know how to fix his laptop...and we all know what happened after that.

Masha@Olympics

i haven't been watching the olympics... but...
masha is in beijing interviewing jap swimmers. some pictures:


and apparently some ppl spotted him shopping in some beijing shops. O.O
i wish i could be in beijing just to spot him in the crowd... *starry eyes*

anyways after 2 months of frequent nausea and dark mood and wanting to make everyone feel miserable... mum finally went to endoscopy and discovered she has a small sliding hiatus hernia.
she checked her chinese medical disctionary and now adamantly believes that she has a hole in her oesophagus... "its a hole its a hole its a hole!" she tried to convince me by emphasizing > 10 times. *who on earth did that horrid translation... >.<
anyways i hope this nausea and dark mood and making everyone feel miserable will end soon. i really hope to have more patience but this week i am really losing it. >.<

a possibility of...

There is a possibility that something really really terrible has happened.
I will look back to this post with possible feelings at extreme ends:
either i will laugh my head off at myself freaking out---
or i will be in a prostrate pitiable state shaking in fear.
and I dunno how long this uncertainty will last for.

Lord please please help me to trust in you and stay in your peace. Really need your help and guidance in this.

Long Vacation

These days i am watching a jap drama called Tomorrow. Having watched numerous medical dramas.. team medical dragon, say hello to black jack, white tower... all of them just felt like: yeh i am just watching a story... made up in some person's mind. Tomorrow really made me feel i am watching real hospital real doctors and real nurses.

Initially started watching cos of Takenouchi Yutaka. I used to love him heaps and buy all his jap drama series..*hearts* but then i din like Rondo by him and that korean lady... >.< and he was absent from TV for quite some time...

Tomorrow has really rekindled my passion for him. he plays a surgeon. =D
and tiff knows me too well. wen i told her abt this awesome medical drama i am watching and how i reali like the actor, she asked: so... 40 yo man again?
Indeed, TY is approaching 40 too. looking at him made me wish: if he is my consultant i will not sleep nor eat but learn my Harrisons or watever surg equivalent in a wk just to impress him... *starry eyes*


TY comforting a traumatised nurse in the first episode *hearts hearts*

on a more serious note tomorrow i start another semester. for most of the time this year I felt very inadequate defeated and unmotivated, i felt i despise people much more than i love people, many fears persisted in my heart for no reason. i really hope this will be no more. As said in "long vacation": when lots of bad things and failures come to you, just take it as being blessed by a long vacation.
though corny this line never fails to touch me.
so yeh tomorrow let the long vacation end. =D

Avolition

dear dear
holiday is almost half gone...
my avolition is so bad this holiday that i feel tired and unmotivated to do everything... wake up at 9... have ready made breakfast lunch and dinner... turn on my computer and read 八卦 or do absolutely nothing.. only managed to write 2 very short blogs and nothing else... >.<
unmotivated to go out... unmotivated to shop...
one day i will be unmotivated to eat... unmotivated to get out of bed.. @___@
and my iatrogenic blood loss yesterday probably gave me more excuse to be so 宅... >.<
i still feel dizzy today, so ended up sitting on the carpet and cleaning away part of my bookshelfs. Mum didn't interrogate me regarding my whereabouts in the city or my swollen lips... she probably thinks that i had too much seafood at hotpot and have angioedema.. @___@ good... i dun want to be showered with lectures about 不自量力 and excessive chicken & beef soup etc etc..
i am still sad about the fact that i could no longer give blood unless i become a fat aunty... >.< or maybe i just find it too hard to give up this not-so-difficult act of altruism and have to face my selfishness and uselessness.

on another note...i love Prince *hearts*.. who's always so happy and friendly to strangers. =D

failed

i am just going to say:
my flesh and my heart has failed so miserably... plus watever else have also failed miserably.
i hope i still have enuf nerves to carry myself thru this exam...
maybe i should pay the price and be prepared to accept wat i do not want... if i am lucky.

Lord help... plz let me look back on this and know your promise still stands true.

wat ifs

interviews bring back memories.
i reali cant remember anything abt my premed interviews except i had reali nice tempura for lunch b4 my unsw interview, and i accidentally walked into a scientology bookshop after my adelaide interview and bought a book thinking its christian stuff... O.O
watever reasons i said i wanted to do med in the first place i guess one of my main motives was to be able to shut my mum up if i can get in the top course. but in the end she din shut up but expected more. i remember well wen i saw i got melbourne med and was happy then got told off by her: "i should be feeling happy now but i am not." because she adamantly believed uni ppl should all have part time jobs and support themselves, because i did not manage to find a part time job and hence i was lazy and had a bad attitude in not trying hard enough...
i am very very thankful these terrible times are no more.

i sometimes think about whether I will be more satisfied with life and not feel so much distress, if i do not have much of a brain and did a simple course like nursing and graduate after 3 yrs and have enuf money to go to good morning every month and afford new clothes every season and be eager to look pretty and girly so i can attract watever doctor male coming my way, whether he be weird or ugly, schizoid personality or elevated bmi. and then get married early and hero worship my husband for his intelligence and money earning capacity and do not mind even if he in his sense of superiority shows me no respect, but can just feel happy to stay at home watching satellite tv all day and still get my LV bags and David Jones shopping spree...

these days things can easily reduce me to tears: dad bringing me a chocolate when mum is chucking a fit at home, sensible insightful Christian book talking about "salvation cringe", funny stupid manga Urusei Yatsura which is surprisingly touching and meaningful, kind words of friends in the same distressed boat...

i wish i can be like tiff and still trust God and give thanks from the heart even in terrible times. but i prayed abt pbl for 5 yrs and things only went from bad to worse and i just cant stop cringing when i think about tmr...

but wait a minute, one thing i can indeed always give thanks from the heart: Lord I thank you for the 5 yr plus of med course and for the beautiful group of meddies who have always there these years. if i go back to 6 yrs ago and choose again, i will do exactly the same.
please help me to cling on those words for this wk, and for all the future days to come:
My flesh and my heart may fail,
but God is the strength of my heart
and my portion forever.

and I am thankful pbl times are no more.

Happy stuff--Nippon Fever 2

Well lets talk about happy stuff...

the very wonderful Fukuyama Masaharu... as mentioned many times before in my blogs...
lovely prof Galileo turns 40 this year. really looking forward to his Yogisha X no Kenshin--The Sacrifice of Suspect X. =D

next... Muroi-san!!! played by Yanagiba Toshiro. hmm... quite.. old and ugly but i still love Muroi-san from Odoru Daisousasen. =D

next... a recent obsession. Sakai Masato is so beautiful in period dramas... here is him on the left, playing the most memorable Okita Souji in "When the Last Sword is Drawn".

and lastly... my most favourite Maya Miki:
she is so beautiful and talented... *starry eyes* and she is 44, her favourite pastime is eating hotpot... O.O i wish i can look half as beautiful as her even now...
dreaming to be such a beautiful aunty wen i am middle-aged.. =D