On call for life

I got woken up from my stupor at 0450 this morning, by my persistently ringing home phone.

... though not in time to pick up the call.

in an attempt not to be melodramatic and harrassing potential callers at 5am in the morning, the next hr as i lie in bed in suboptimal consciousness, i prepared myself for the worst.

parents acutely ill? parents robbed and hacked down and police called? the state of no subsequent calls and their switched off mobiles suggested otherwise. oversea relatives acutely ill? oversea relatives dead? more plausible. my mum still holding everything together? my mum not holding everything together and having a meltdown? the fact that she attempted to call at 0450, makes a meltdown more likely. and not hard to imagine my dad trying to give a spill of his insights and ineffectually convincing her in her meltdown why she should not be melting down.

end of the day, my ability to plan despite not fully alert and oriented surprised even myself. by 6am i had it all worked out, including what do i say to my clinical director over the phone requesting urgent non-paid leave, which travel agency to go to first for tickets, and how do i manage my own psychogenic polydipisia while grieving and distressed for the upcoming 11hr plane trip.

then i called parents.

dad awake.

me calmly: "what's up?"
dad: " huh? i didn't call you!"

PHEW.

now i am drained. and overcooked my oats in the microwave which splattered everywhere and needed cleaning. an upcoming day without endorphins to subacutely sort out subacute people's subacute problems.

it came to me, that i am oncall 24/7, whether oncall for work or not, and subconsciously i've accepted it ages ago. i am certain many others in a similar situation are not as neurotic and live on thoughts of the best not the worst. but maybe, like that occasional brainless colleague who did not realise he/she were on call and got caught in a shock but still ended up working a reasonable shift,  oncall mode, at the end of the day, probably doesn't really have any great deal of benefits.

but it is impossible to undo the realisation, once you became aware of the oncall status. 

but at least for now, not need to call the clinical director, and psychogenic polydipisia not resurfacing.

not yet.

Lord have mercy. and be on site for me.