the here and now

Lord, it is a prayer...

that I could stop thinking
               
stop planning

stop speculating

stop imagining

stop wondering whether or not I will cope 5 hrs from now, 5 days from now, 5 wks from now

Lord, please give me the strength to concentrate on the here and now, and trust you for the next hr, the next day, the next wk, the next month.

Lord, grab hold firm of me. I am not OK, now.

at Etihad Stadium

the wedding reception was at Docklands, friend drove me out of the harbour, and I walked with a cripple on my heels to climb up to the Etihad Stadium, realising with horror that the gate I came out from is firm shut.
security was called, with me panicking on the phone:
"i thought your car park is open 24/7!"
"Go to Gate 4, Gate 4 is open 24/7."
"where is Gate 4?"
"you have to walk around, its almost right opposite Gate 8, either direction distance about the same."
@_@

so at 1115pm i embarked on this lone stroll to circle half of Etihad Stadium from Gate 8 to Gate 4. as i walked with even more of a cripple every step, i thought about Jill Meagher, i thought about the New Delhi bus, and I thought about much more. There is no sight in my brain of the much needed Psalm 23, instead, the evils of 2012 flashed across like a horror movie. The last part of that epic stroll right before I reached Gate 4, just adding to the sensationalism, had a strip of deserted construction site on one side of me, but by then i already got to thoughts of the eastern suburbs bus stop asian pervert and it almost became somewhat of a relief.

after taking the lift down I had to continue the stroll to make my way from Gate 4 back to Gate 8 for the car. I had security putting up all the lights for me and promising to keep an eye on me on his security monitors----but---

I soon realised I was not the only person on that level. As i stumbled ahead to find my car, i could hear loud clanging noises distantly across all the way along. As i approached my car the noise maker showed his face.

A young asian cleaner walked pass, took one nonchalant glance at this hunched dishevelled woman stumbling on heels, who probably looked at him with fear and agitation and whatever fight-or-flight expression on her face---
and in all his coolness turned away quietly to continue his job.

so, i finally made it to my car. Masha's voice singing Saiai rescued me... I felt I was at last safe, back home, and could have a satisfying cry.

the age old question of whether i prefer to be a man and not a woman if i had the choice and hence able to avoid my toilsome life still gets me in moments like this, despite years of conscious/unconscious effort making myself more comfortable with myself. end of the day, this debate is really in the same league of whether i would choose non-existence over existence if i had the choice--
and had nothing to do with identity issues and more to do with me desiring and wishing, more often then not, not to carry my own cross.

let me take a step back and admit that whats been stressing me out was not only night stroll around Etihad Stadium but other things including a recent crisis at work. for some time now i thought i have graduated from the work related emotional dysregulation of my early years, and that i've had enough awesome registrar examples inspiring me to push on for work regardless of internal/external adversities, and that i've gained enough wisdom and experience to prevent significant personal emotions significantly affecting work by intervening and seeking support before they begin to bother...

and i became shocked at the me who was so shaken and fearfully avoidant... and losing almost all my capacity to process and assess and decision make... at a seemingly minimally relevant issue which would make it quite ridiculous even if i recognized and nipped it in the bud and got the second oncall to take my place.

Mark Galli's words was very taken in by me since the start of last year and used with great personal relevance as i spoke proudly of my values and how much i did not care about peoples' praises---
--but only now, it hitted me with the full weight of it.
--and gosh it hurts.

"We are too often tempted to justify our existence on this planet by doing something "significant," by "making a difference in the world," so that we can go to bed at night feeling good about ourselves. But the Christian message is about a God who judges and loves us in our insignificance—that is, when our selfcenteredness has sabotaged our ability to make any fundamentally sound contribution to our lives or to others'. This God speaks to us the frank word that not only do we not make a difference in the world, day to day we threaten to make the world worse by our sin. But in Jesus Christ, he has judged and forgiven us through the Cross, and now he uses even our insignificant efforts to witness to his coming work in Jesus Christ."

Lord stay with me. I have a long way to go, and i don't think i will ever quite get there-
-which I think You know already.

Ikiteru Ikiteku 2013~

The most beautiful thing of 2012 was Ikiteru Ikiteku.

2013 now, still need you.

It's quite unbelievable
When you were a child, though you wished hard, you could not become an adult
Now you are an adult, just with a flutter of your heart
You can become a child again any time

Having lived this long, the answers I got so far
There are many more wrong ones than right
Along the way of making many mistakes
I become an adult

Such a life, full of its good and bad
Is probably helpful to the hard working genes 100 years later
For it to serve this purpose
I continue my life today

Till this day I clearly remembered
All the people I liked but hurted
"Conveying your feelings", "Understanding one another",
Are just as difficult as falling in love itself

My youthful scars and bittersweetness
Hoping they could give some courage
To the genes that would fall in love with others 100 years later
For this purpose, I continue my life today

I am learning to stay strong
Learning from failures and regrets
So I could win this battle against
All the inescapable pains and sadnesses

I once had a very big dream
A dream so absurd and embarrassing
Then I didn't realise when or how
The smaller dreams in the midst of it
All came true without me knowing

That's right, I didn't manage to do it on my own
I hope my genes from 100 or 1000 years ago
Would get praised.
For this purpose, I am living now
With this life, I live everyday
And I live for today as well.