well... what needs to be done has been done. when its time to dip again i can dip again. but in the meantime i probably should curtail a bit of my paranoia and ruminations.
after all getting intermittent spontaneous flashbacks regardless of time/place/occasion about what happened in the distant past (followed by a repeated fumbling through the same medical records for the Nth time...)
....is really a less than optimal way to function.
been reading lots of chinese lately. there is this rather odd book with a name that literally translates as "Village South Record of Neglecting Farming" (what the....) half history half gossip. hard to read, but as i need to use my brain for it, strangely calming.
and gossip is still gossip, and fun, no matter how ancient they are. (yah...why were ppl 700 years ago also so gossipy? lol)
there is this hilarious story about a mummified ojisan... -__-|||| apparently, out of altruism for the human race, the ojisan decided to eat nothing but honey and also bathed himself in honey. a few months later he started to urinate honey and then quickly died (well thats diabetes~ not altruism) his body was then dunked in a coffin full of honey and sealed for a hundred years before opening up, and people came from all around to break off bits of his honey-saturated (sure its not ants-saturated? maggots-saturated?) corpse and ate them to heal all kinds of diseases
(...really?) lol.
anyways.... ewwww......
and i only recently discovered this band... seriously... every single one of their songs is nice.
therapy
sequel 2
it has really crossed the line.
I want to vomit blood. I seriously want to vomit blood.
even the fear that I may have failed my exam is paling to this.
I am not your property.
and I am not one of you.
this is however not the first time at the start of a rotation I work myself up to a state of terminal agitation, desiring wholeheartedly to be elsewhere and not here.
but its not terminal isn't it?
I should vomit quietly in a corner, and get on with it.
despite the vomitus of blood and venom, I want to see how God writes the ending of this story.
more so than ever.
PS. there is a deeper issue beyond all this. I fear such confirmatory outcomes to my inappropriate psychoanalyzing/overinterpreting. it is just positive reinforcement of bad behavior, all previous work done to shift it now in vain.
