Sayonara Masha

Been thinking about this for a while now... (told you this is the 7 year itch~ lol)

Putting this in psychological terms is probably simpler, I no longer need Masha to serve the purpose of a psychological "mother", with all his acknowledgement of life's hardship.
I can be my own internal mother now in this regard.

There is still much to appreciate in what he said though. he recently commented about the lyrics of his new song:

After you write "you are not entirely powerless", the next line usually follows will be "the sun that brings us hope, will rise again".
but the sun is there, not really just for us.
when we say those are our rays of hope, it is just wishful thinking.
there is no way that the sun will just rise to bring us hope.
if you feel hopeful as you see sunrise, that's because you already have hope in your heart.
hence we need to try harder, with our own strength, stand on our two feet.

so brilliant.
but can i just say with your hyperrealistic views how did you manage to become a pop star in the first place??? T_T

It feels really good, to know that after 6 years, i've finally learnt what I need to learn from you.

And whatever you do, how many new songs you write, how many dirty jokes you crack during your radio show, whoever you marry, whether you end up breeding little mashas or not--
这世上有你真好。

now, i've been wondering what else i should do...
have been contemplating writing a fanfic again... OD... and Okita-san again. (and i want to do osces in Sep, gosh i think i must be going mad...)
last time i wrote something for her was 4 yrs ago... now my thoughts and perspectives are much different, i am kind of thrilled to know how she will turn out this time.
i think one day i will get to say goodbye to her too.

and end of the day, fanfics are always like playing with another person's imaginary friends. i do hope one day i can get to properly play with my own.
they have indeed come back... after losing them so often in the past year to the point i gave up wanting to actively call them back. after all unless i get an ABI, they can't be gone for good.

(the topic is going to get more psychotic, you might need to call the CATT team for me. :D)
my major imaginary friend has been vague for a couple of years now, while the minor ones one by one got sharpened with richness and clarity. I guess it was no surprise. for a long time he was conveniently the typical comic book hero who was silly and brainless on the surface but always ended up getting everything right.
then it became obvious i am really not interested to write about someone who gets everything right. and the question became: what could he have been?

i am understanding him a little bit more now, his command of his extraordinary powers, but also him confused and fearful, facing his own end.
i've been musing for years, why he compiled a book promoting filial piety, but then chose to die a lonely death, thousands of miles away from all his family. i think i am finally beginning to get it, but there is still much work to do.
and his best bits are not from my imagination but what came straight from the historical records - a friend of his recorded what he said to him during their catch-up, shortly before his last days.

"When I was young I used to place great values in friendships. Every time I leave a friend I would always feel sad for days. In recent years I came across some Buddhist sutras, and realised that Buddhists treat these emotions lightly. I have thus been trying my best to control my emotions in this aspect. Today saying goodbye to you, I somehow cannot suppress the sadness and longing from you leaving. There is really nothing I can do about it!"

yep, you are quite right. There is nothing you can do about it.
And there is nothing you should do about it.

i am more touched now reading these words comparing to when i first came across them 8 or 9 years ago. it's a loud slap, on the thousands of years of apathy ingrained in people's hearts by Buddhist and traditional Chinese philosophies.

700 years on, we still are fighting the same battles. we like to think we have moved on far and beyond, but we still are.

This is all starting to sound a bit quixotic. I guess i am still afraid that whatever i write now will not do the historical he any justice, hence all the ranting.
I still wait on Him to release my powers re: this.