i want chips with truffle oil...

i've been down with food poisoning since early this week. By now I have tried all the different flavours of gastrolyte and they don't actually taste too bad. (Hydrolyte on the other hand... taste disgusting) The jelly icy poles are in particular... very yummy. :P
in the initial days as i was vomiting and getting more dehydrated i think i realised how reluctant i was to turn up to ED even if matters deteriorate overnight. i find it absolutely degrading... if i will potentially end up neigbouring that psych referral(in his early 30s and accompanied by his mother) who managed to occupy a night ED cubicle after having had a homeopathic overdose and a couple of beers now crying that he wanted a new psychiatrist.
i figured that will make me more hemodynamically unstable.

The issue however may go a bit beyond homeopathic overdosers or overconsidering usage of precious ED resources. Coming from a paranoia driven family where even day to day sickness is a matter to be controlled by pathological efforts, the failure of "not getting sick" perhaps evokes all kinds of primitive guilt and self punishment. The knee-jerk instinct is hoping for everyone and everything to disappear, leaving little capacity of nurture seeking unless by conscious brain-driven efforts.

Now as my stomach has recovered faster than my bowels I've been craving all kinds of fried food but can't eat any. T_T I still fondly remember the time my christian mentee brought me to eat really nice chips with truffle oil in chaddy food court and as we were sharing the oily crunchy goodness she got me to watch sia's Chandelier mv on her phone, surprised that I never heard of it.
She told me that she absolutely loved the dance sequence, and watched the MV at least 10 times.
i haven't really watched western music videos for the past decade or longer and at the time felt a bit judgemental internally(why are we so quick to become judgemental???)... so although there were still all kinds of superficial unconditional positive regard (lol) deep down the suspicious little voice just went on:
You like this? what do you like about this? isn't a 10 yr old dancing almost half naked a bit disturbing?

well it certainly took a significant degree of amnesia and insightlessness for me to become judgemental at that point. I should remind myself what my favourite Masha song is:



I have watched this at least 100 times and still love it to bits. it pressed all the right buttons for me.
now that's probably more disturbing.

so, maybe i will be less paranoid and less judgemental and tell her about my favourite music video too, next time we have chips with truffle oil together. :)