as i have patiently waited for years (and repeatedly mentioned so in this blog too lol)... this day has finally come.
(i think i should be feeling very heartbroken too but i am not feeling very heartbroken at the moment... ) :$$$$
after some self analysing (lol more) i realised maybe the fact that my favourite star/inspiration/role model has proven himself not gay (and capable of openly commiting to a long term heterosexual relationship too lol) is more important that anything else... T_T
the fact that all those years he cracked dirty jokes in midnight radio shows and talked about watching little movies because he really meant them (lol) and not because he was so anxious about something else that he had to use dirty jokes to defend/masquerade himself... i am finding it very touching... *sniffles* x 10
such positive experience of authenticity is probably more of an antidote for my lack of fundamental trust in human beings than many other things... (为什么我的道德观价值观听上去好像总有点不大对……-_-||||）
very relieved i haven't picked a wrong role model many years ago... *giggle*
so... I am again feeling more hopeful about life because of you Masha~ *sniffle some more*
growing old for a ocpd neurotic does not mean growing more pathological and timid and apathetic. it may indeed not be so bad a thing after all... ^_^
---now go forth and be happy and breed little Mashas--- XD
Masha you are married~~~~>.<~~~~~
KYOTO
so....
Fukuyama Ryoma...
Saitou san and Okita san (and all the rest of Shinsengumi)....
and Abe no Seimei sama...
I am coming!!!! Wait for me~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ :D
glimpse of hope
I gave my training coordinator a call to ask about my blocked email account (and job next year too) and she sounded pleased that I called her. "i thought you were going to say you really liked (insert name of certain other prestigious mental health service) and not planning to come back! " with me shaking my head like a regressed kid on the other end of the phone.
Then she told me I can doing part time next year.
So my delusions of abandonment were actually delusional. lol
and I got told I was wanted and also that I got exactly what I wanted in the same breath. Don't think such moments happen very often in life at all.
If i am so persistently not excited about becoming a boss i might as well slow things down. after all I am not going to live forever, and there are certain other things i probably want to get out of the way more urgently than getting my papers. it certainly seemed that after many years of toil there is now finally hope of freedom(with new fantasies of my training coordinator smiling down serenely like a buddha lol).
i made a resolution last month to at least write a little bit of chinese everyday so it wouldn't be so painful like earlier in the year trying to get the rusty engine running again. after all, I really don't know if my decades long fixation on chinese writing is the ultimate passive aggressive gesture towards my parents for plucking me out of the security of home and completely ignoring the trauma of it and wanting me to be thankful regardless, just as i really don't know if me being a Christian is also the ultimate passive aggressive gesture towards parents too - me needing a bigger greater and more powerful god to trump all those shitty little gods they worship *shock horror did i really say that* (and as I just I fantasized about buddha smiles rather than halos this is really ambivalent feeling stuff lol more)
well rudeness and insults aside it probably just means atheism was never an option lol, and there is enough grace to cover this very passive aggressive person who never seems to be able to leave her poor parents alone, and the writing continues too... at times in little hard squeezed irrelevant bits for now but at least it is a start that can hopefully prepare me for the extra time and space next year. (the hard squeezed bits now have a new spot: 豆瓣)
and hopefully it would also mean i can learn take a bit more responsibility for not only my time, health, finances and dADLs (lol) but what i want, what i think i want, what if i don't end up achieving what i want, and what if even when I achieve what i want it is not that great and making me worse off... and all the rest of it.
