Recently something very frustrating and hurtful happened at work (just as I was getting better). In many ways I felt like I have become a time bomb of some kind that no one wants, for matters really not of my own doing. well in short for good or bad I have probably completely switched from a flight response back into a fight response. or maybe I just realised,for the benefit of my daily survival in a toxic world, if i don't get my shits together, only more shit will be heaped onto me.
in this current climate I somehow managed to flip back to Psalm 51. It spoke to me first a couple of years ago after I have just been through court and imagined that to be the end of my trauma (which is now looking like the first of very many). Despite my liking of it I guess there has always been a tinge of anger that went along with it--Hey surely I didn't commit adultery! and no I didn't murder anyone either! Why do I need a psalm from someone who so gravely sinned to speak to me?
I guess the fear of responsibility is forever hanging, and persistently learned, as the clasp around my neck from those who need me as a scapegoat tighten, or, even if it is not yet tightening, there are plenty around me who, consciously or not, not fail to add in reminders. Well I guess this is nothing new. For a few decades I have been the scapegoat for my mother's various pathology and unhappiness and only in very recent times she realised she has lost her grip, while I just fear once she becomes ill in health in some kind of way, all my efforts will be in vain.
reading of verse 16-17 of the psalm still stir something in me (and not just a little)--
You do not delight in sacrifice, or I would bring it;
you do not take pleasure in burnt offerings.
My sacrifice, O God, is a broken spirit;
a broken and contrite heart
you, God, will not despise.
given my problematic maternal attachment, I do have a feeling though that the current feelings these verses evoked are perhaps much more grief at how much I have been despised and resentment for having to survive and thrive(or at least pretend to be) in this toxic world rather than anything else...
but perhaps, just perhaps, coming back to this psalm means a move forward to the realisation - that at the end of the day, contrary to worldly beliefs, when tragedy hit whose grave sin was it or who really brought about the brokenness, really doesn't matter in the face that no one is actually despised?
Now, head knowledge apart, this is still very hard to swallow. and I guess in the context of my lingering perhaps relapsing(but hopefully not) GI symptoms, the swallowing bit is maybe a bit more than a mere metaphor.
Psalm 51
I dreamt about Hilary the other night...
I dreamt about Hilary the other night. She asked me what went wrong and what could she have done better. I tried to explain to her outcomes of things in life do not depend on efforts alone and us born and bred in the modern era do need to acknowledge and admit that luck often plays a big role. In her disappointment though I don't think anything I said really registered. Now the Hilary dream was likely all about me and nothing about American politics and I can just head to my supervisors next week for an interpretation, but I guess I still feel sad for Hilary -- not on grand scales whether or not she was the only hope to halt world war no. 3 or served as the finest example that feminism still has a long road in face of male superiority etc etc etc... I think I rather feel sad about her just as a person -- one who so persistently and single-mindedly invested immense effort in her aspiration of becoming America's first female president, who went very far on this costly road, even if for self-gratification purpose alone, and then in a dramatic turn of events, had her dreams cut short like that. Everything else aside, that in itself, is very, very, sad.
My understanding about politics is nothing beyond crude and am sure many may have talked about this in much more sophisticated terms, but I really think president election often serves nothing more than the purpose for many regressed adults to find mothers. Given that childbearing is regarded as a basic right and that prerequisites are minimal and people more often than not fare poorly in bringing up children, flawed early developments are many and secure care and nurture are scarce... and I mean... very flawed... and very scarce.
we perhaps all like to think as we humans evolve in the modern cultures, that our heads have become superior enough to have acquired the power to dictate our emotions. The fact remains however, that voting for most has nothing to do with the head and everything to do with the heart. Those of us who have adequate neuroticism to sense that despite our best efforts our heads and hearts are somewhat out of sync, often are 1.idealistic 2. cope by avoidance rather than take imperfect human responsibilities and acknowledge that as we remain human, our decisions and actions are inherently flawed regardless.
Mad evangelical friends who were openly deluded and ecstatically praised Trump's victory as awesome and God's will done aside, social media is also not short of people who endeavour to take control by predicting all kinds of disasters they could see coming but could do nothing about and how much they were the lonesome sane voices ignored in the current madness, perhaps in the hope that when disasters hit in the future they could take some solace in telling people I-told-you-so-hence-am-better-than-you? Now that's pretty regressed too. why not just admit that you are scared and more the acopic with the hard work of living in the face of unpredictability in a hostile uncertain future, just like the rest of us?
When Masha first sang Akatsuki I read the translated lyrics and felt very touched and hailed it as a great song. I even put it down as my whatsapp tagline... but... I think I then managed to forget about it. my memory consolidation have been indeed getting worse over recent years... but here it is... translated from its Chinese translation... and at least for me, it has not lost its buzz.
Akatsuki (Dawn)
Nobody's life can be smooth sailing
Sometimes things hit you hard and you would even resent God
I believe, if it is you
No matter what kind of grief or pain
You will have the strength to carry on
Even if the flame inside you is about to burn out
A dream not realised, feeling powerless, looking up the night sky
Who said the darker the sky, the brighter the stars?
Surely it's alright if I try to be cool--
"Failure" is out of fear not daring to reach what you want
If the stars tonight are too bright for you
You can definitely fight on
It's okay if you laugh at me, but please listen
No matter how weak you are
You are still able to support another
Because there will be always someone who needs you
Because that person is right here
You are definitely not powerless
The sun is rising again
To me who is surviving another day
Looks like it couldn't care less
Another day starts
PS. My functional overlay has much improved since a couple of months ago. Remembering a time when I was warmed back to human connections, but back then for one reason or another,failed to internalise such experience, was really helpful.
