Chris told me: YN i think you are more aggressive now.
O_O
Am I?
maybe i am, given I was very under-aggressive. Living under an impulsive and aggressive mother I have learnt to avoid aggravation at all costs.
Maybe its her current absence at home that allowed me to give more expression to my aggressiveness.
lol
not reali.
i pray wen i am assertive, i am assertive for His glory.
and wen i am not, its always out of submission and love, not out of fear of aggravation.
Thank Him again, I learnt a gd lesson 2day.
Aggressive
A moment of revelation
Today I was not too troubled by my lymph nodes, but wasn't in a mood of studying either, and out of sloth and greed I had this huge craving for KFC, so was persuading tiffany to go to KFC with me. In the end I didn't go either, but went to burgundy st and bought some sushis, probably a much wiser thing to do.
Just want to share abit of some Godly wisdoms I have recently acquired. 2 wks ago at the bible study at youth group we were discussing a verse, and suddenly the revelation(probably the biggest revelation of my life came to me.
Luke 9:23 Then he said to them all: "If anyone would come after me, he must deny himself and take up his cross daily and follow me."
I not only occasionally envy ppl's crosses which seemed lighter, but more of the times, I am glaring at other ppls' crosses that seemed much "heavier".
This tendency greatly accentuates as i frequent the oncology ward these days, look at terminally ill patients and live with a survivor's guilt that why its those ppl and not me who have to suffer such misfortune. thus I live in perpetual doubt and fear that: when will I have to deal with these horrid trials? Should I be mentally prepared for such things now so I can be strong when they actually hit me?
all of the talks, sermons, books, on "do not worry" had minimal effects on me.
But as i read about "take up his cross daily", i was suddenly hit by the word "daily".
not "take up his cross and never put it down", but "take up his cross daily".
so one's cross each day is not the same. today's cross is not tomorrow's cross.
Liberating for someone paranoid like me.
so I can just focus on taking up my own cross today, and won't need to look at other heavier crosses or speculate what is my cross tomorrow.
when I do focus and look at my cross for each day, its not such an easy task either, but to be honest, a much easier load than what i always made myself carry in the past.
And I am a much happier person when I can focus on carrying my daily cross.
Thank Him.
Psalm 73
This week sometime, out of some ill-founded despair, i decided that I had enough and i was going to stay down a pit, never coming out again.
But God has been so gracious to pull me out gently & firmly even b4 the thought became consolidated in my mind.
And I am happy that I am under His authority again.
And that just made me realise that if my uni life has been without Him, how difficult I myself would have made it to be.
Sometimes its just so hard to tell if we are going thru difficult struggles or not(whether imaginary or actual struggles). I know i am neither suicidal nor depressed, but it doesn't mean when i exaggerate a situation in a wrong state of mind, I would not walk across the driveway of austin hospital and wish the car to run me over.
So i won't need to care about anything from then on.
And that, was absolute stupidity.
during my walk with God, one thing reali strikes me is that He reali took care of me like how a Father would love an ignorant bad tempered child.
He actively pursues me, even wen I am faithless.
As I cry my eyes out in a corner because my building blocks have collapsed, he would not leave me there, for me to calm down from senseless tears and become obedient, before he communicate to me again.
He would come and comfort me and hold my hand and draw me back to Him.
one of my favourite psalms is Psalm 73
....This is what the wicked are like--
always carefree, they increase in wealth.
Surely in vain have I kept my heart pure;
in vain have I washed my hands in innocence.
All day long I have been plagued;
I have been punished every morning.
If I had said,"I will speak thus,"
I would have betrayed your children.
When I tried to understand all this
it was oppressive to me
till I entered the sanctuary of God;
then I understood their final destiny.
...When my heart was grieved
and my spirit embittered
I was senseless and ignorant;
I was a brute beast before you.
Yet I am always with you;
you hold me by my right hand.
You guide me with your counsel,
and afterward you will take me into glory.
Whom have I in heaven but you?
And earth has nothing I desire besides you.
My flesh and my heart may fail,
but God is the strength of my heart
and my portion forever.
i want to thank Him for I am loved, and for all He had done in me.
