Psalm 73

This week sometime, out of some ill-founded despair, i decided that I had enough and i was going to stay down a pit, never coming out again.
But God has been so gracious to pull me out gently & firmly even b4 the thought became consolidated in my mind.
And I am happy that I am under His authority again.
And that just made me realise that if my uni life has been without Him, how difficult I myself would have made it to be.
Sometimes its just so hard to tell if we are going thru difficult struggles or not(whether imaginary or actual struggles). I know i am neither suicidal nor depressed, but it doesn't mean when i exaggerate a situation in a wrong state of mind, I would not walk across the driveway of austin hospital and wish the car to run me over.
So i won't need to care about anything from then on.
And that, was absolute stupidity.

during my walk with God, one thing reali strikes me is that He reali took care of me like how a Father would love an ignorant bad tempered child.
He actively pursues me, even wen I am faithless.
As I cry my eyes out in a corner because my building blocks have collapsed, he would not leave me there, for me to calm down from senseless tears and become obedient, before he communicate to me again.
He would come and comfort me and hold my hand and draw me back to Him.

one of my favourite psalms is Psalm 73
....This is what the wicked are like--
always carefree, they increase in wealth.

Surely in vain have I kept my heart pure;
in vain have I washed my hands in innocence.
All day long I have been plagued;
I have been punished every morning.

If I had said,"I will speak thus,"
I would have betrayed your children.
When I tried to understand all this
it was oppressive to me
till I entered the sanctuary of God;
then I understood their final destiny.

...When my heart was grieved
and my spirit embittered
I was senseless and ignorant;
I was a brute beast before you.

Yet I am always with you;
you hold me by my right hand.
You guide me with your counsel,
and afterward you will take me into glory.
Whom have I in heaven but you?
And earth has nothing I desire besides you.
My flesh and my heart may fail,
but God is the strength of my heart
and my portion forever.

i want to thank Him for I am loved, and for all He had done in me.