A moment of revelation

Today I was not too troubled by my lymph nodes, but wasn't in a mood of studying either, and out of sloth and greed I had this huge craving for KFC, so was persuading tiffany to go to KFC with me. In the end I didn't go either, but went to burgundy st and bought some sushis, probably a much wiser thing to do.

Just want to share abit of some Godly wisdoms I have recently acquired. 2 wks ago at the bible study at youth group we were discussing a verse, and suddenly the revelation(probably the biggest revelation of my life came to me.

Luke 9:23 Then he said to them all: "If anyone would come after me, he must deny himself and take up his cross daily and follow me."

I not only occasionally envy ppl's crosses which seemed lighter, but more of the times, I am glaring at other ppls' crosses that seemed much "heavier".
This tendency greatly accentuates as i frequent the oncology ward these days, look at terminally ill patients and live with a survivor's guilt that why its those ppl and not me who have to suffer such misfortune. thus I live in perpetual doubt and fear that: when will I have to deal with these horrid trials? Should I be mentally prepared for such things now so I can be strong when they actually hit me?
all of the talks, sermons, books, on "do not worry" had minimal effects on me.

But as i read about "take up his cross daily", i was suddenly hit by the word "daily".
not "take up his cross and never put it down", but "take up his cross daily".
so one's cross each day is not the same. today's cross is not tomorrow's cross.
Liberating for someone paranoid like me.
so I can just focus on taking up my own cross today, and won't need to look at other heavier crosses or speculate what is my cross tomorrow.

when I do focus and look at my cross for each day, its not such an easy task either, but to be honest, a much easier load than what i always made myself carry in the past.
And I am a much happier person when I can focus on carrying my daily cross.

Thank Him.