Accounts of a Rebellious Heart

Talking about myself being bad after I have been bad... is a good coping mechanism. At least I have the sense of security that "i am not bad at the present".
LOL
to be quite honest i have become increasingly not accepting of many things... things i used to listen and just accept as right I now have many doubts and objections and really wonder how can people treat such serious matters as mere mockery...
but i am so ignorant myself... the only thing i can do is trust and pray.
a month or so ago a friend from KM cried to us for help as a family relative fell gravely ill... as a gd enthusiastic Christian I offered to pray and said all the comforting words i could say...with great certainty. o.O but as the relative's condition deteriorates despite our prayers... I found myself ineffectual...hesitant...without words to say...and wen i was told abt the relative's passing away... the only thing i replied was: I really don't know wat i can say now... -___-|||||
after that my spirit felt very poisoned and during the same wk the chinese experienced a frenzy regarding the "five congenital infections" and i felt if i say one word wrong the friendship i built up over the yrs would be gone in a puff...
so.. for a week or so i sank low in my own emotional trauma and thought prayer doesn't do anything and ignored God.
After recovering from my own frenzy I was hit with the insight---
that wen we pray its not that we have more special connections with a powerful deity so we could gain whatever we wish for.
we pray because we admit we do not know... we admit we are not going to have inside knowledge about anyone's future, we admit we are so weak that we could not influence others or even change ourselves, and we admit that we really know too little about the pains and troubles of the world.
But we trust someone knows and loves.

nothing more to say:
Thank God for His mercy.
and I hope i will have an opportunity to explain and say sorry to ppl... -___-|||