wat ifs

interviews bring back memories.
i reali cant remember anything abt my premed interviews except i had reali nice tempura for lunch b4 my unsw interview, and i accidentally walked into a scientology bookshop after my adelaide interview and bought a book thinking its christian stuff... O.O
watever reasons i said i wanted to do med in the first place i guess one of my main motives was to be able to shut my mum up if i can get in the top course. but in the end she din shut up but expected more. i remember well wen i saw i got melbourne med and was happy then got told off by her: "i should be feeling happy now but i am not." because she adamantly believed uni ppl should all have part time jobs and support themselves, because i did not manage to find a part time job and hence i was lazy and had a bad attitude in not trying hard enough...
i am very very thankful these terrible times are no more.

i sometimes think about whether I will be more satisfied with life and not feel so much distress, if i do not have much of a brain and did a simple course like nursing and graduate after 3 yrs and have enuf money to go to good morning every month and afford new clothes every season and be eager to look pretty and girly so i can attract watever doctor male coming my way, whether he be weird or ugly, schizoid personality or elevated bmi. and then get married early and hero worship my husband for his intelligence and money earning capacity and do not mind even if he in his sense of superiority shows me no respect, but can just feel happy to stay at home watching satellite tv all day and still get my LV bags and David Jones shopping spree...

these days things can easily reduce me to tears: dad bringing me a chocolate when mum is chucking a fit at home, sensible insightful Christian book talking about "salvation cringe", funny stupid manga Urusei Yatsura which is surprisingly touching and meaningful, kind words of friends in the same distressed boat...

i wish i can be like tiff and still trust God and give thanks from the heart even in terrible times. but i prayed abt pbl for 5 yrs and things only went from bad to worse and i just cant stop cringing when i think about tmr...

but wait a minute, one thing i can indeed always give thanks from the heart: Lord I thank you for the 5 yr plus of med course and for the beautiful group of meddies who have always there these years. if i go back to 6 yrs ago and choose again, i will do exactly the same.
please help me to cling on those words for this wk, and for all the future days to come:
My flesh and my heart may fail,
but God is the strength of my heart
and my portion forever.

and I am thankful pbl times are no more.