Beautiful Day

Happy birthday Masha.
I had a good day today, but not because of Masha.
Masha is not my lucky charm and will never be.
But as I grow old, i want to aim to be an honest and insightful person like masha.
and it doesnt matter if i am still going to be over-anxious about everything.
if i am going to lose sleep over my job or watever performances.
if i am still going to be passive and unconfident.
if i am going to be desperate about not getting married in my thirties.
Masha has been like so. i can be like so, and still be a useful person comfortable with myself.

I remember my reg last wk telling my consultant something about when she was feeling overwhelmed on the ward she would come to epping plaza pet paradise to look at baby doggies to de-stress. I was horrified that a person so smart and organised and assertive like her would be overwhelmed by the nurses.
well i think i had a taste of it this wk. I found this one nurse so horrid that comparing to her everyone else were angels.
however experiences with her were actually very entertaining in retrospect.
i will call her Obasan.
our first conversation went like this:
Obasan: (sunddenly with a loud high pitched patronising voice drawing out every last syllable) D-O-C-T-O-RRRRRRR..
YN: Yes? (startled, unconfidently polite)
Obasan: blah blah needs leave medicationnnnn... have you done blah blah's ONL medicationsss????
YN:(uncertain shocked anxiety): I sent blah blah's medications 1 minute ago...(didnt i ? HEY OF COURSE I DID!!!!)
Obasan: (wounded and offended): i was just askkkking i wasnt being rudddde...i was trying to be niccccee and politttte and just asskkkkking uuuu...*for the next 10 mins)
YN: ( 囧X100) *smile X100*: no worries no worries... X100
10mins later
Obasan: SO... have you done blah blah's ONL medicationssss???
YN (in slow primary school teaching rate and clarity of speech): I have written up blah blah's medications 11 minutes ago and sent that in the chute 10 minutes ago and it should be in pharmacy now.
Obasan:*pause* *pause* *pause* (confused look thinking hard for 5 mins)
YN: *in a frozen stupified 囧 state now*
5mins later
Obasan: OKKKK then... just leave it to meeeeee... i will sort it outtttt....
YN: *still in stupified 囧 state wondering if i was thought-disordered or her*

囧is my best friend.
she would be terrorising other nurses at 12pm about 8am bloods for a patient, 2 hrs after the results were documented in the notes right infront of her.
If she was asked gently and politely of something she would immediately turn and loudly command another nurse: DOCTORRRR wants u to give the information for....
To avoid hearing her chasing voice, i came in early today and prepared all the discharge paperwork in front of the folder for reg. No effect. Reg got patronisingly spoken to as soon as she arrived at the nursing station.
Obasan: (demanding like the queen of the ward) blah blah is getting discharged todayyyyyy... you havent done any of the paperworkkkkk blah blah blah....
before i could turn back and tell her firmly that things were done I heard something that just made me laugh~
Obasan: *flipping open the folder to proven her point*---*saw paper work there*---*paused*---then to reg:
SEE! I already put the paperwork there for you to signnn, i even put stickers on for youuuuu...
It was just so childishly horrid to the point of being hilarious.
but she "worked" REALLY hard. not even having lunch by half past 2. as i looked at her with horrid fascination i realised that if i dont use my brain efficiently but always saying i am busy and working hard and not having lunch...
I would be as HORRID as her.

I had to run away at lunchtime. New reg being so nice offered to take the admission herself so i could sort things out. >.<
much thanks to wei's timely help my salary package is finally sorted out. i was still too overwhelmed to even talk then. when i came back worried that i took too long, i realised with great relief that my prev consultant hadnt done his teaching session yet and i could still attend.
Then i spotted my prev reg in the reg's office typing up d/c summaries. consultant and reg caught up and i just felt happy to see them again.
i think i felt rather attached deep down.
i think because of them i started to like my job, despite my complete lack of confidence.
During last week everyday driving on the road i felt like i want to burst into tears. i think i am just too grateful they were so nice then and didnt contribute in anyway to exacerbate my sense of trauma or self-pity.
But i wont be talking about them too much from now on. Anything more would be pathological.

This week i felt better. At least no longer bursting into tears in the car. Peaceful relations at home. I am like an Alzheimer patient after some anxious distraught traumatic uncertainty period finally received my sentence. the acceptance of the inevitable made me calm.

I will not forget what has been most important.
God has been so merciful in the past few weeks.
So merciful that sometimes i wonder if terrible me is really worth all that trouble..
if i have no confidence that i will continue endeavour to commit and surrender in the future.
when i knelt down in distress He listened and made things happen, without needing much patience on my behalf.
if not for His strength I would have took everything out on fob tabloids and not be committed to my work at all.
if not for His blessing I would not have had such nice tolerant non-stressful doctors who were so easy to work with.
and maybe... I NEEDED this PSYCH rotation at this particular time to cope with all these.
I am still really scared that my offering would be made out to be Matt 15:5-6 when it really wasnt the case. >.<

I have emptied it all. i feel much better. Now i can rest and enjoy my weekend.