pieces

everytime i drive my car there is an impending sense of doom.
on the road i think every car behind me is a police car. when i park i think i will reverse into someone sooner or later, almost did it to tiff's the other day, most likely it will be wei's car, and then it will all be very 囧.
i think my car looks like an dirty toilet seat, or an ugly man with elevated BMI and so disinhibited that he just flashes his tub of lard around for everyone to see.

maybe i am too immature, holding a grudge against a car.
but i probably can't hold a grudge against anyone or anything else.

nowadays i am always working with someone else, unlike the lonesome times in northern.
it is a big relief that even if i get 50pages of bsl >20 and multi chest pains someone will help out.
but such an impression grew stronger by the day, that the other person is always doing much more than me and i am just not doing as much as i should.
especially on days when i feel cold and hungry and thinking abt hot noodles or hot tea or hot water bottle or hot whatever as i go about the ward.

sometimes i also fear i eventually will wake up one day and regret spending so much time in work and wasting my already non-existent youth, just as i regretted those efforts put in pre-clinical years reading pages and pages of stuff i never really understood so i get to say a word or 2 in pbl.
well...
i am a very 囧 aunty and i want a holiday bad and no matter how long the holiday is its not going to be enough.

i bought Eileen Chang's last novel.
i read it all on saturday.
i still "replay" the ending paragraph over and over in my head, and feel very very touched and end up with a dreamy expression on my face----
as i was doing discharge summaries.

i decided to take after my altruistic co-intern's example and offer some help to students when he's busy. the students never contacted me again after initial encounter. 囧... maybe i just have "in fact i don't really have time for you despite saying i do" written all over my face... more 囧...
but the other day i met this girl who was stealthily doing a long case on my patient at a rather late time of the day. and she shrank bk with a anxious guilty expression whenever she saw ppl... even me 囧...
she reminded me a lot of myself.
filled with empathy, i probably had a momentary halo lit up above my head that time. i very kindly gave her my pager and told her to contact for anything.
....but she never contacted me since.
囧more and more....

masha has a new album. on the album cover he has this new 2-min-noodle hairstyle.
i am so horrified that i cant even decide whether i can still like him or not.
surely someone with such horrible taste... >.<.........
still traumatised.... i mean even if say he suddenly gets elevated BMI i think i will understand....
but we will see, maybe he will end up saying some insightful words about his 2min noodles.
or maybe his new album will be so good that i can overlook everything else. ^-^

one of my patients went to pcu. i admitted him. he's demented, can't swallow, non-responsive. He stares blankly at watever during those precious conscious moments.
but his heart rate goes up everytime in anxiety, if his wife was not there holding his hands.
him be confused or alert.
i think my facial muscle spasmed in an attempt to smile when i saw his wife this morning.
but maybe it never did. i just had a tactile hallucination.

our new reg is a reali nice person. wei thinks he's like a soft toy. O.O
am sure wei has a secret list of soft-toy-like ppl, he will just add him to his collection of favourites.
When he goes home they will all come out to play~~~~
i probably still live in horrid anticipatory fascination that i will sooner or later meet a really mean horrible reg, after all those nice ones.
i will save my tears til then.

i somehow miss the last few wks when i don't crave for food and can skip meals without feeling much.
cold weather makes me preoccupied with food.
i feel very very satisfied after a hot meal with hot soup.
and with hot water to follow for the rest of the night.
好幸福~

atrophy

sometimes i wonder if psych gave me the false impression that i am as gd as everyone else and could handle things really well and since i had it first i naturally assume that it is the baseline and probably will continue to be in loss + fear as i maladaptively cope with the rest of the year...
there must be something therapeutic abt the psych ppl that made me function so well for that 11 wks... i remember my anxiety level in the first wks or so was so elevated... but probably how my reg and consultant spoke... just calmed me down... despite the stresses, despite the med covers, i still looked forward to each day.
that miraculous ability to speak in confidence patience and kindness is slowly leaving me...
that eagerness to refine my language everyday, to just want to take after my reg's example and hoping one day i can be as good as her...
no more.
i fear each day that i will be back to my baseline broca atrophy. (and THAT made me fear everything else as well...)
that day isn't far away. >.<
Lord HELP.

R U serious...

R U serious.........
apart from swearing words this is probably the line i invariably wake up saying this week.
and i have indeed become more disinhibited with my choice of words...
if i am still in psych and do a risk ax of myself i will certainly write: verbally abusive, indicative of underlying aggression and poorly controlled impulsivity, need constant monitoring from nursing staff.

but as soon as i walk out of my room such high risk remarks degrade into some superficially calm + jovial depersonalised emotions.

i should be feeling ashamed... but i am so depersonalised that i cant even feel it. >.<

R U serious.......
.....that i am doing this?
i feel so numb when i type up DCS completely uninterested in watever the whole plan was for watever pt i was doing it for.
i felt even less when my patient died in a code blue. when he was lying there i didnt even recognise him. when ppl dragged his half naked body out i did not feel the slightest sympathy nor need to be distressed.
he probably had a much more fruitful life than my methadone lady, but i just didnt care.
i must admit i am not getting much sense of fulfillment out of gen med. despite doing things i felt wat i did were so meaningless.
i miss the cute PW girl who ran to us so happily just to shake our hands, who pout and stared into our faces when we were busy and tried hard not talking to her.
i even miss the aggro man who threatened everyday to kill his treating doctors. i wish i could have just spared him 15 mins to talk about his meds when he was distressed.
gosh i still wished i had the chance to talk to them more, to say goodbye to all of them before i left.
they have their new intern to talk to now. they wont even remember me anymore >.<


I have not been able to recall words from Yukawa-sensei even once this wk.
I was glad that i still can talk with extra patience to old grumpy patients plagued by anxiety/depressive symptoms late at night and get my warm fuzzy feelings when they responded with a smile.
but its not a gd feeling when i realise i treat med students worse than i treat psych patients.
my dear co-intern was patient and supportive throughout. its indeed a bright comic relief mistakenly getting those "sweet" pgs from students with private mobile numbers attached...*cough* hope you have enjoyed being the rose among the thorns~ :D
my reg did not tell me off... not even once. even when i did not do a WR when i was meant to. >.< been having nice regs since start of the year... i will save my tears when i meet a horrible one in future rotations.
i miss the times when i could present so well every wk during psych, taking after my lovely old reg's example, remembering every detail of the pts not even having to look thru the notes for once. broca atrophied again today infront of consultant. >.<
but its only 1st wk. maybe by 3rd wk i will look forward to grilling...
like how i looked forward to M/S grilling from my lovely old consultant who smiled his sweet disturbing smile and wanted to swim in pts' poo. :D
Be hopeful.

during all these silent aggression/depersonalisation, the Lord still spoke to me this wk.
the words in repetition, were just want i needed to survive.
Psalm 90:17 establish the work of our hands for us—
yes, establish the work of our hands.

Joshua 1:6 "Be strong and courageous, because you will lead these people to inherit the land I swore to their forefathers to give them. 7 Be strong and very courageous.
Joshua 1:9 Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be terrified; do not be discouraged, for the LORD your God will be with you wherever you go."

nowadays i dont feel insulted/distressed when ppl say occasional harsh words. maybe i have not just depersonalised.
maybe i am coping.
please forgive me for the silent aggression.