R U serious...

R U serious.........
apart from swearing words this is probably the line i invariably wake up saying this week.
and i have indeed become more disinhibited with my choice of words...
if i am still in psych and do a risk ax of myself i will certainly write: verbally abusive, indicative of underlying aggression and poorly controlled impulsivity, need constant monitoring from nursing staff.

but as soon as i walk out of my room such high risk remarks degrade into some superficially calm + jovial depersonalised emotions.

i should be feeling ashamed... but i am so depersonalised that i cant even feel it. >.<

R U serious.......
.....that i am doing this?
i feel so numb when i type up DCS completely uninterested in watever the whole plan was for watever pt i was doing it for.
i felt even less when my patient died in a code blue. when he was lying there i didnt even recognise him. when ppl dragged his half naked body out i did not feel the slightest sympathy nor need to be distressed.
he probably had a much more fruitful life than my methadone lady, but i just didnt care.
i must admit i am not getting much sense of fulfillment out of gen med. despite doing things i felt wat i did were so meaningless.
i miss the cute PW girl who ran to us so happily just to shake our hands, who pout and stared into our faces when we were busy and tried hard not talking to her.
i even miss the aggro man who threatened everyday to kill his treating doctors. i wish i could have just spared him 15 mins to talk about his meds when he was distressed.
gosh i still wished i had the chance to talk to them more, to say goodbye to all of them before i left.
they have their new intern to talk to now. they wont even remember me anymore >.<


I have not been able to recall words from Yukawa-sensei even once this wk.
I was glad that i still can talk with extra patience to old grumpy patients plagued by anxiety/depressive symptoms late at night and get my warm fuzzy feelings when they responded with a smile.
but its not a gd feeling when i realise i treat med students worse than i treat psych patients.
my dear co-intern was patient and supportive throughout. its indeed a bright comic relief mistakenly getting those "sweet" pgs from students with private mobile numbers attached...*cough* hope you have enjoyed being the rose among the thorns~ :D
my reg did not tell me off... not even once. even when i did not do a WR when i was meant to. >.< been having nice regs since start of the year... i will save my tears when i meet a horrible one in future rotations.
i miss the times when i could present so well every wk during psych, taking after my lovely old reg's example, remembering every detail of the pts not even having to look thru the notes for once. broca atrophied again today infront of consultant. >.<
but its only 1st wk. maybe by 3rd wk i will look forward to grilling...
like how i looked forward to M/S grilling from my lovely old consultant who smiled his sweet disturbing smile and wanted to swim in pts' poo. :D
Be hopeful.

during all these silent aggression/depersonalisation, the Lord still spoke to me this wk.
the words in repetition, were just want i needed to survive.
Psalm 90:17 establish the work of our hands for us—
yes, establish the work of our hands.

Joshua 1:6 "Be strong and courageous, because you will lead these people to inherit the land I swore to their forefathers to give them. 7 Be strong and very courageous.
Joshua 1:9 Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be terrified; do not be discouraged, for the LORD your God will be with you wherever you go."

nowadays i dont feel insulted/distressed when ppl say occasional harsh words. maybe i have not just depersonalised.
maybe i am coping.
please forgive me for the silent aggression.