all of my days

echuca in 1 week.
i remembered the start of my clinical years, when grp 9 + 11 happily walked on the night streets of bendigo; me and tiff randomly sang P&W as we walked, one of the songs we sang was "all of my days".
and all the cooking me and irene did in bendigo and alexandra: the dumplings with fat oozing out... the fried rice with 6 eggs... the boiled veggies... the midnight ice cream and cheesecakes...
i am just getting old and sentimental.
i youtubed "all of my days" and ended up teary in front of my computer.

those gloomy despairing days when i was plagued by a wide assortment of fears... when i dreaded walking into every tute room... when i dreaded talking to anyone/everyone... when i secretly felt i wanted to jump down from top of austin day before osces...
and yet those are behind me now.
but probably waiting for me again ahead.

we had hot pot w/ our reg the other day.
something i just have to happily show off to everyone about.
it's probably going to be exactly the same as when i left psych.
pathologically dependent of the past, unappreciative of the present.
maybe by the end of echuca i will also have a good cry and hate to leave etc.
its just the norm for me now. 囧

I had not liked my 6 student years at all.
I just wanted to graduate with my friends.
I did not forsee that one day i can end up liking med, enjoying med---
despite the constant supply of failures, abuse and humiliations.

When i was a student I can channel all my emotions elsewhere to things i liked.
I can just be apathetic and detached in my real life.
Now that I am working I dont have the time to do so.
I became emotionally labile.
Maybe I have always been, I just didnt know.

i never realised I am so horridly dependent on others.
maybe echuca will do me some good---
without a reg who will say: dont worry lets get a needle and some iodine and do the shoulder aspirate now, knowing i had some traumatic unsuccessful runs w/ ortho and radiology;
and without a co-intern who readily picks up the phone just to be told off by urology/surg/MRI radiologist, after listening to my various PTSD grumblings...

now its time to wean off.

i feel completely unworthy of such blessings.
but thanks to jules who prayed for me the other night.
even without people around me, the Lord will go before me.
THANK YOU.
i did not know things can one day turn out like this.
and yet my faith is still so fluctuating despite all Your goodness. >___<
Forgive me.

masha spoke of a very very endearing topic:
Last night when I went home...those unwashed clothes...were in a big pile(laugh).
Some clothes can't go in the tumble dryer, but some won't matter, right?
usually takes a machine an hour or so to finish washing.
I thought if i wait a hr for it, then go to sleep, should be alright.
who knows~ I had my dinner, drank a bit of wine, fell asleep on the table.
...as i felt "ah so cold!" I woke up: I just fell asleep like that on the dinner table!
i was like: oh no! dunno if the washing was done yet...
when I went to brush my teeth, I finally looked into the washing machine,
separated the clothes for hanging dry/tumble dry, started the dryer,
brushed my teeth, and went to bed...

I was thinking at that time: Give me back my concert~~~
i just became very impatient with myself doing household chores.
Its true! One moment I was on the stage telling people: SEE YOU NEXT TIME!
---the next moment I ended up shivering at home*laugh*, and still had to wash my clothes...*more laugh*
...at that moment i really wanted to say WHY DONT I JUST DIE...indeed...
though we have machines helping us cleaning up, we really dont have robots who know how to separate clothes for hanging dry/tumble dry!

even masha is so 囧 w/ housework... :D

this is the air i breath...

it took me a long long time to start liking med.
the impression can easily be that because i had a good week i am feeling more positive.
but i think i made the decision end of last week that this is my life, and for the remaining 5 wks in med i will enjoy it as much as i can.
so bad. when i start to like something its usually time for me to go.

maybe the turning point was...after all...the wedding on saturday.
i struggled for quite a while whether or not to go and inspect that front row with increased activity.
when he collapsed onto someone's shoulder i think i stopped struggling.
to my own surprise i actually could make some clinical judgements and knew of what to do in that initial moment of panicked frenzy.
but the feeling really disturbingly became 'chick finding its mother hen'(囧) when lovely ED trained dr jason turned up on the scene and said the lovely words:
ppl in seizure usually can protect their airways, don't worry.
:D having a senior doctor around can really make me feel very very happy.
after all i didn't seriously panick that day, given my atrocious GAD past history. knowing jason was sitting across, danielle was just outside the door, oh and...
andy lim was there somewhere at the back.
:D

i now faintly feel like a doctor.
maybe it is an improvement from early in the year, when i was still so ashamed to call myself by that name.

edmund did many long cases this wk.
and he went to his tutes with his reg friends.
and he signed up to 1 LC 3 SC presentations next wk.
me and wei are very happy, our consciences finally clean. ^-^

wei has been so... altruistic these 2 wks. (and also making personality incongruent remarks..O.O)
to the point that i think about what he did and just want to cry. -__-|||||
no wei has always been altruistic.
but when the target of his altruism is not me but students or histronic nurse in charge i really would like to do this:*hiding my face in shame*
I am a very 囧 aunty... as always.
but i got to listen to student LC as well this week~ and gave them my mcq practice papers~ and they were really thankful~ and i was all hearts and flowers afterwards...
maybe i am just a very soft-hearted 囧 aunty.

despite feeling so nice and soft hearted and not pressured nor anxious...
my yelling at nurses behaviour escalated.
today i had a yelling competition w/ a nurse who threatened to cancel an ambulance for transfer if i did not do a d/c/s when she demanded.
in the end she said she will discuss w/ the nurse in charge and never got bk to me.
i was all furious thinking she just went away and cancelled the ambulance without informing us.
so 5min after posttake i was fuming inside and went straight up there all prepared for a futile 2nd round, dragging wei with me for backup and/or on-call anger management.
only to discover ambulance was ready and discharge stuff was ready and pt was ready to go w/ nil issues.
囧X10 + guilt for being so disinhibited...
but maybe deep down i secretly took pride in it...
*horror*
Lord help me.