all of my days

echuca in 1 week.
i remembered the start of my clinical years, when grp 9 + 11 happily walked on the night streets of bendigo; me and tiff randomly sang P&W as we walked, one of the songs we sang was "all of my days".
and all the cooking me and irene did in bendigo and alexandra: the dumplings with fat oozing out... the fried rice with 6 eggs... the boiled veggies... the midnight ice cream and cheesecakes...
i am just getting old and sentimental.
i youtubed "all of my days" and ended up teary in front of my computer.

those gloomy despairing days when i was plagued by a wide assortment of fears... when i dreaded walking into every tute room... when i dreaded talking to anyone/everyone... when i secretly felt i wanted to jump down from top of austin day before osces...
and yet those are behind me now.
but probably waiting for me again ahead.

we had hot pot w/ our reg the other day.
something i just have to happily show off to everyone about.
it's probably going to be exactly the same as when i left psych.
pathologically dependent of the past, unappreciative of the present.
maybe by the end of echuca i will also have a good cry and hate to leave etc.
its just the norm for me now. 囧

I had not liked my 6 student years at all.
I just wanted to graduate with my friends.
I did not forsee that one day i can end up liking med, enjoying med---
despite the constant supply of failures, abuse and humiliations.

When i was a student I can channel all my emotions elsewhere to things i liked.
I can just be apathetic and detached in my real life.
Now that I am working I dont have the time to do so.
I became emotionally labile.
Maybe I have always been, I just didnt know.

i never realised I am so horridly dependent on others.
maybe echuca will do me some good---
without a reg who will say: dont worry lets get a needle and some iodine and do the shoulder aspirate now, knowing i had some traumatic unsuccessful runs w/ ortho and radiology;
and without a co-intern who readily picks up the phone just to be told off by urology/surg/MRI radiologist, after listening to my various PTSD grumblings...

now its time to wean off.

i feel completely unworthy of such blessings.
but thanks to jules who prayed for me the other night.
even without people around me, the Lord will go before me.
THANK YOU.
i did not know things can one day turn out like this.
and yet my faith is still so fluctuating despite all Your goodness. >___<
Forgive me.

masha spoke of a very very endearing topic:
Last night when I went home...those unwashed clothes...were in a big pile(laugh).
Some clothes can't go in the tumble dryer, but some won't matter, right?
usually takes a machine an hour or so to finish washing.
I thought if i wait a hr for it, then go to sleep, should be alright.
who knows~ I had my dinner, drank a bit of wine, fell asleep on the table.
...as i felt "ah so cold!" I woke up: I just fell asleep like that on the dinner table!
i was like: oh no! dunno if the washing was done yet...
when I went to brush my teeth, I finally looked into the washing machine,
separated the clothes for hanging dry/tumble dry, started the dryer,
brushed my teeth, and went to bed...

I was thinking at that time: Give me back my concert~~~
i just became very impatient with myself doing household chores.
Its true! One moment I was on the stage telling people: SEE YOU NEXT TIME!
---the next moment I ended up shivering at home*laugh*, and still had to wash my clothes...*more laugh*
...at that moment i really wanted to say WHY DONT I JUST DIE...indeed...
though we have machines helping us cleaning up, we really dont have robots who know how to separate clothes for hanging dry/tumble dry!

even masha is so 囧 w/ housework... :D