ah, i am trying to be honest here

Why does Masha always speak to the heart?

When it comes to things like self-reflection, personally speaking,
whatever I can remember about the past, are usually not very happy events!
“Ah~so good! That time…was absolutely awesome!” memories like such,
I usually completely forget.
I belong to that generation…when you always want to apologize to people..*laugh*

I never thought that after I grew up, whatever I can remember the most are always things regretful.
Even though I am saying this, I knew I can never go back and start again,
but I would never stop and not move forward just because of that!
Of course, because we are human, there will always be unforgettable regrets remaining in our hearts…
When we did not apologize to people, when we feel we could have done things better… etc
but we cannot stop because of that, we still have to face the future…
A future of better lives, to be of comfort to our past regrets---
most of us would just want to be happy and hopeful.

Talking about music and lyrics and topics as such,
for everything to end on a hopeful note, I think its quite unnecessary
I usually want to make things go in a hopeful direction when I am writing songs,
but now I think it’s ok if I stop trying so hard
When you can’t look forward,
It’s alright to have an ending!

I think its absolutely necessary to have hopeful dreams of the future,
but to always remain hopeful is not easy.
Sometimes we realise things are not easily done, we may still need to accept reality etc
At those times, we won’t be able to walk forward with our heads up,
So what can we do about our inability to stay positive?
Its probably not that bad if we just keep things as they are.
After all not everything has to end on a hopeful note!

My favourite star/most respected person/role model is a non-Christian.
After the initial attraction of cute Prof Galileo, knowing Masha and learning from his life+ thoughts is quite life-changing.
Hey no one ever told me that before! Hey I want to grow up to be like this person! Hey when I am old if I can share inspirational thoughts like him it will be great!
Such thoughts are very rare for skeptical critical me.
The surprising insight + honesty are really two things I do not see very often in the world around me, but what I think are the most important qualities one should have.

I’ve been living in some fear for a long time.
If my role-model is a non-Christian, then does it mean I will find “something else” acceptable? If in the unlikely situation it happens to me.
Or maybe I should stop being anxious of possible future anxiety.

Masha’s words can surprisingly shed light on my spiritual life.
Although I know if I do not have God the weak useless me would not have survived life… and would not be able to become the person I myself am comfortable with…
whatever I can remember about my past Christian walk, are usually not very happy events!
“Ah~so good! That time…was absolutely awesome and uplifting!” memories like such,
I usually completely forget!
or feel very detached about.
Especially during the stressful low times when I most need to recall His amazing past grace, even when I compile a physical list I find it impossible to compile an emotional list.
And the repetitive flashbacks I get the most are the disappointments, the frustrations, the impatience, the failures, the past horrible things I myself have done, the past horrible things other Christians have said in absolute authority etc etc etc…
I just haven’t tried hard enough to forgive + trust.
Or should I say most of the time the words + concept of forgiveness + trust + thanksgiving did not cross my mind at all.
There are many things I need to feel ashamed about, truly ashamed about.
Especially as I am not really doing much about it.

Not only have I forgotten how good + unconditional God has been over the years, I think I have also forgotten how good + unconditional the Christians around me have been over the years.
In or out of the church(but especially within church), I think its just impossible to count how many times people gave me the love and support without expecting returns, and repetitively accepted and tolerated my weaknesses + bad behaviour.
In front of these people I am probably the most immature, irresponsible, rude, passive aggressive, scrutinizing and ungrateful---
While without much self-awareness or remorse.
Despite my usually frequent sorries and thank-yous.

Sorry minna-san.
And I hope I really meant it.

And Masha is really a blessing. :)