Midsummer's Equation

Monsters
I havent trimmed my eyebrows or cut my fringe for a long time now. (you dont need know that, i know) shopping for outfits has also become a very conscious effort. reason for such slackness and internal resistance is rather apparent without need of much analysing:

if my self confidence will almost certainly turn into threads by the end of next month, why should i bother with stuff now?

i've been also having primitive nightmares. of jap monsters picking up the workplace building and go shake~shake~shake~ lol
(this one is cute. it doesnt have a neck. XD)

over last yr i have progressed from feeling too ashamed to tell friends about details to harrassing friends and now harrassing bosses...
...which actually means i'm hitting bosses' vulnerable spots... not very pleasant despite effort from both parties.
i am yet to harrass the boss who attends the same church. for weeks now i've been casting intense stares in his direction (lol) but havent dared to make a move yet. maybe i will, once i have a plan B (ie. another church i can potentially attend)
friends who do law also had to cop a bit of such intensity. these days the conversation topics go no beyond the desperate "hey write me a list of ur friends who do medical law and can cross-examine.."
sometimes i look at the me who's so expansively harrassing ppl... is this really... me... really?

half of my time these days i thank God for this long and painful opportunity for me to unravel, and the other half, i dont feel thankful at all. 
which means half the time i am all pumped and planning ahead and jumping on the treadmill and doing all the harrassing, and the other half i hate people and dream about destructive jap monsters and only violent computer games would comfort--

But honestly accepting all that, was probably a step. and with all the fluctuations, fullfill my duties everyday in a stable and consistent way.

Midsummer's Equation
so glad i got to watch Masha on the big screen~ :D
wasnt impressed about the plot but it actually pressed lots of right buttons for me. i've never liked children and felt rather awkward around them, maybe not to the point of getting hives, but for years going in in the middle of the night to assess a kid has been the most painful part of oncalls.
child and adolescent psych changed lots of things. watching Yukawa-sensei slowly warming up to that little boy as they did the groovy experiment together, i think i can really understand how he was feeling.
it is an awesome journey, don't you think so sensei?

The Song of Ascent
I got a very touching new year greeting the other day:

有时候觉得世事无常真是个有趣的词，这里的“有趣”不含褒贬，单纯是从属性上来说的。

我做梦也没想到我会被很多年前曾经沉迷过的东西再次击中死穴，而且老房子着火合该弃疗。具体时间不明，意识到这一点的时候我正在晋江上看一篇名为《觉醒》的同人，无CP无性向，甚至连友情万岁都算不上，只是讲了一个“人人被命运之轮碾压而过”的现实主义故事。对于宗教我的心态一贯是嘲讽多于漠视，可能对佛教还有点敬仰，对基督教就只能说呵呵了，可是这篇《觉醒》的后记里，作者录入了一段“上行之歌”——我翻出家里唯一的一本落满灰尘的《圣经》，里面该章节的名字是“上行之诗”，但我莫名觉得“上行之歌”更好听。

第一句说：我要向群山举目，我的帮助从哪里来呢？

好的，到此为止，再往下就不是我的菜了。就这一句，读来莫名让我震撼。【顺便说一句，我家那本《圣经》里“上行之诗”的译文是“我要向山举目”，少了一个“群”字这语感一下就泯然了……

为了后记，我给《觉醒》的打分再加一分。那段时间我的心情有点莫名灰败，结果看了这文之后又莫名振作起来了……虽然成效不是很大，但毕竟确实有所振作。

然后我就借着这文，以及这文的背景原著，以及原著更多的同人……度过了2013最后的两个月，并且感觉这两个月的心态和收效都要明显强于两个月之前。

我希望，并且，我会努力让这份心态在2014年继续保持下去。

to summarise for non-chinese reading friends: this lovely reader above who is not usually impressed by christian stuff read my story and got so impacted by the first line of Psalm 121 which i put at the end of my story and digged out a bible. and because of Psalm 121:1 I also got a bonus point for my story~ XD

i am greatly stoked by that. i guess i am never the sort of person who can do (or even believe) "yesterday i shared the gospel with x no. of ppl and y no. came to Christ and therefore God is awesome..."
i like the fact that "christian stuff" is actually not a matter of if you and I do and think and feel ABCDE within timeframe F we will reach outcome G.
how we can be stirred by Him and His words, is as much a mystery to you, as it has been to me.

Your Name Never Gone
i think my heart sank after watching Sherlock S3E1.
CAN YOU PLEASE NOT-----
there are lots of things i want to put in that blank. but if the most authentic of all these contemporary parodies have blatantly turned into a farce, i dont see much point filling in the blanks.
This age will kill my hero.
and unless i love him enough to want to write something for him, i better stop complaining.

Words
there are certain words I am clinging onto right now... maybe for life too.

From a boss:
"we are so naturally inclined to cast away our feelings with tough experiences once we are over the hump, but I want you to keep all your emotional memories afresh just as when it first happened to you. in this way, when one day you are in a supervising position, you can be of use to those who come to you. if one day your registrar approach you about a patient suicide and you breath a sigh of relief-- "Thank God no one ever died on me!" its really not going to go down very well...

From Hitomi Kuroki:
“然而最重要的就是：暴露出自己不好的一面，悲惨的一面，丢脸的一面所需要的勇气，产生这样的勇气所需要的气魄也是必须的，我当时第一次知道。
放弃无谓的羞耻心。
不成体统的自己，到头来也是自己。自己不想给别人看到的不体面的部分，想成是让得到的角色更能演得生动便行了。
但是，
 ‘我，就是享受着受虐的人生！’
自己能堂堂正正地笑看这件事，也许就证明了我已经成为了一名成熟的大人了吧。”

~喂，这么难的事情，完全做不到好不好~
but i must try.
and instead of retrospective entries, keep as much of a record of the here and now as possible.

i thought i will open the year again with another Masha song~ but no... this one just grabbed me:



He's got quite a few beautiful songs in this new album.
~~~~and i am going to his concert soon~~~~~ ^_^

(one day i will get to yours too Masha~ *nod*)