my very own Yaegashi-san has given me another mission (i am not yet done with exam yet---T_T and why do I have to refer to God by such a name...?)
i have now encountered the most challenging patient so far in my career. she is fascinating, and she will be around for a little while. i approach her daily with almost a bit of reverence... i think i am so morbid with fear about what may potentially happen I've consciously and subconsciously been trying in all kinds of ways buying grace from her. in a sense i am glad i still have the exam, so that my absorption and ruminations are not entirely about her. Just the day after i so positively reflected about speculating much less whether God will allow this and that happen for my future, i've since regressed to daily speculating about someone else's future and how much i will be held responsible for it.
i have so far prided myself in my ability to contain various dependence tendencies, but this time round, i am literally counting down the days to when i can have another session with my psychotherapist. just can't wait for an external ear to hear this story and give me some guidance. all this... while my own consultant is already one of the best in clinical judgements and taking responsibilities.
It takes that constant stepping back reminding myself of who's really in control... and that His grace couldn't be bought, and needn't be bought.
and yet, always, always, much more easily said than done.
This is wilderness for me. dears, please kindly pray.
Buying Grace
Many monsters
watching Sugimura's stories I invariably end up curling up in a ball a bit. He fortunately is usually on during my pre-exam periods so my curling-up-into-a-ballness conveniently goes unnocticed. This time though, i managed to localise the problem by ep 3, I should be pleased with myself.
It's not an easy job, but I hope i can learn whatever I need from his sharp insights about human toxicity without taking on his overwhelming sense of helplessness.
*nod*
anyways, the paintings currently hanging in Sleeping Lotus are:
La Tour's The Cheat with the Ace of Clubs
William Blake's The red Dragon and the Woman clothed with the Sun
There is a line by Sugimura in ep 6 which almost startled me:
If you want to live life as a decent human being, then you won't be able to bear such heavy burdens. One day you will want to tell the truth. A lie always gets exposed, and a human can never be so strong to hold onto it. No matter what kind of Peter you are, Jesus always turns and looks straight at you. That is why we are not able to tolerate lies. Maybe some people don't sense Jesus next to them, and some others don't think they need Jesus at all--those people are probably in a true sense--fearless.
Amazed that such words can appear in a secular drama/book.
on a side note, i am all over the place these days with exam prep. professional knowledge poor, and too conscious of my speech all the time hence not going too well. work is intense too. i really wonder where i will be in a month time.
Given how things are going these days i seriously don't know, and probably am speculating much less, which is a good thing.
