Buying Grace

my very own Yaegashi-san has given me another mission (i am not yet done with exam yet---T_T and why do I have to refer to God by such a name...?)

i have now encountered the most challenging patient so far in my career. she is fascinating, and she will be around for a little while. i approach her daily with almost a bit of reverence... i think i am so morbid with fear about what may potentially happen I've consciously and subconsciously been trying in all kinds of ways buying grace from her. in a sense i am glad i still have the exam, so that my absorption and ruminations are not entirely about her. Just the day after i so positively reflected about speculating much less whether God will allow this and that happen for my future, i've since regressed to daily speculating about someone else's future and how much i will be held responsible for it.

i have so far prided myself in my ability to contain various dependence tendencies, but this time round, i am literally counting down the days to when i can have another session with my psychotherapist. just can't wait for an external ear to hear this story and give me some guidance. all this... while my own consultant is already one of the best in clinical judgements and taking responsibilities.

It takes that constant stepping back reminding myself of who's really in control... and that His grace couldn't be bought, and needn't be bought.
and yet, always, always, much more easily said than done.

This is wilderness for me. dears, please kindly pray.