The runaway job

i am two weeks into my new job and already not liking what i am seeing. I still like the work itself more than any other subspecialities of this field... but this is a mere 20-30% of my week, and i really don't know if that's really enough to sustain me.

apart from a big boss who doesn't really seem to trust his colleague of at least two decades and gets me involved in uncomfortable (and very unnecessary) conversations, i look at the psychology team and feel very speechless almost every single day. one prominent member has already made multiple strange personal/professional comments and the other day she dropped another bomb as she was telling me about a pt: i think pall care is just slow euthanasia.
?!@_@...
?!@_@...x10
i kept quiet and moved the conversation on from her passionate stance for unknown reason. it was however enough for the fleeting acronym of "aphra" to flash across my head.
这算是鬼话还是人话？你这个样子还要teach人家psychology????
but maybe my professional suspicions are also just be projections of my own discomfort with people who fail to even put up a temporary facade professionally and instead make their personal views and feelings spilling everywhere even in front of strangers.

end of the day i am not void of empathy for my new boss or psychology colleagues. To be good at this work we cannot simply shut things out and be blunted, and the level of sensitivity we need to maintain makes us vunlerable to all kinds of poisons in life. 生老病死 happen around everyone and hit everyone hard and affect us in all sorts of ways. and if we are finding our own lives and related poisonous thoughts and feelings difficult to manage, what do we do? we go on to poison ourselves? or others? or both?

I am not privy into my boss's personal life but i have heard gossips of tragedy and sadness. i can still take pride in myself these days for keeping a psychotic borderline at chronic high suicide risk on cto seeking admission out of hospital for community mx despite my past bad experiences (and then go home and worry and not have an appetite for days) but where will i be when i get to boss's age?

i will probably be far worse off in clinical practice and personal life. i may already be dead from consequences of all this chronic sugar and carbonated drink craving and erratic binge eating and non-eating.

so i am kind of relieved to think i did all the background work so i can go back to my old workplace and 95% certain i will want to go back after 6 months. what really bothers me however is the fact that everyday I still drive past my home away from home for the past 9 years...
...and despite my dislike of the new, i don't feel homesick about the old or miss it very much at all.  囧

Maybe I just need a runaway job, like people who have runaway accounts and can take off at any time, so that when I am unwell and unfit for work i can admit i am unwell and unfit for work and get away and do something else.  For now i am starting to think at least having a space away from every psychological mindedness related stuff is probably what I need at this point in time. chinese ppl overall are not very psychologically minded. when there is a good traditional chinese story that is not psychologically minded but still decent and makes sense it is worth gold. (the Bible on the other hand is very psychologically minded... i remember reading stories of certain biblical heros when i was younger and always thought these people get a bit funny at times, and nowadays a lot of the funniness have very reasonable psychological explanations and make perfect sense... )
but I will leave the Bible alone for once.lol



i finished watching a romantic period drama this week (with no significant biopsychosocial stressors to decompensate me and make me turn to more violent bloodthirsty alternatives... XD) and really liked it. It has its brainless bits, and is not psychologically minded at all (kept on asking to myself how can person A interact with person B with such ease and not project feelings of past issues with person C onto person B etc etc etc... 囧）

but it was a sweet good story with good looking people that after watching once i want to watch it again. *giggle* both male and female leads were older than me and still looked stunning (yes I am at the age now that i do mind these things -_-|||) Wallace Huo has been around for a while but I was never really into him. think i found him too good looking and not really my type... lol there were also gossips around re: him into activities that were a little more tangible and transactional than watching little movies (if you get what i am getting at... XD)

but i find him so professional in his work it's almost touching. he's such a convincing romantic lead and so stable in his performances in almost every drama with different actresses there are hardly ever any half-hearted sloppy scenes. (remembering masha and his facial spasms when he just needed to look a bit "interested" in a female lead who has a more commanding air than him...-_-|||)

so when professionalism is a little short in supply in real life at the moment, this realisation is somewhat inspirational. and as politically incorrect as i have always been, if stars have enough likeable attributes, i don't find transactional lifestyles in the privacy of ones' own homes very bothering at all.