The annual report on rejoicing (4)

Me, TeddyBär in the house, and beautiful days

when I first started this annual report I had no idea where it was heading... at most I probably wanted to rant about how frustrating life in the real world has been... after all, I have reached a point with work (even when nothing adverse happened recently to decompensate me) that now and then after seeing a patient despite knowing i have done all the right things i would still be so miserable and not wanting to eat for days(and i am still endeavouring to pretend everything is normal and will somehow head in the right direction...-_-||||)

i have tried to do what I can to salvage my chinese writing site but after various attempts it remains unsalvageable. I am getting close to the point of saying LET THE PAST DIE just like uncle Soames did (of course we don't mean it, but at least our efforts in trying are commendable lol)

The other day I read about the German polar bear imitators. I found it all kinds of cuteness overload and wouldn't mind at all posing next to one myself. *giggle*
I don't know if people who befriended me all feel in a similar way... that I always seem to have such a TeddyBär hanging around me. not quite a normal soft toy, it's kind of furry, subjectively cute(or not), but somewhat intrusive and hard to comprehend, with ludicrous fake fangs and claws.
and because of TeddyBär, I am not that engaged with the real world.

I then recalled one deep buried fond memory. 10 years ago around this time of the year my friends grouped together and drew a manga book for my 21st present with a storyline of me being a superhero time travelling amongst all my favourite stories...
None of them were drawing people, neither were they TeddyBär lovers like me (at least not my type of TeddyBär lol) .
Yet everyone made an effort to draw, and not only tolerated but played with my TeddyBär in the process.

(the cover of my very personal manga book...)
It's been 10 years. Though I never grew out of various TeddyBär issues, many of these friends stuck around and had numerous hot pots with me in the past decade.

and I realised I am finally a 10/10 because of that, 10 years later.
Gomenasai mina-san.

I think I really need to learn the skills of breaking down all kinds of conscious/subconscious self throat-grabbing behaviour, which are ultimately the joy killers.
What would have stopped me hitting a 10/10 in the past may have a lot to do with my critical internal mother, who kept on berating me that TeddyBär playing is 不务正业, and unless i could focus whole heartedly on the real world I was not going to get anywhere or even if i get somewhere, one day I will be found out and made to pay the price...
and then the self throat-grabbing starts... even with the manga book by friends, I don't think I have allowed myself to be too happy about that--
in my mind that would be using my real friends as means to an end, as well as somewhat implying that TeddyBär was more important than the actual company of real friends, and that would be not quite right...
and before very long the throat-grabbing beliefs turned into not only my internal mother but my friends and even God all berating me for needing a TeddyBär to get on with life.
and I then enjoy neither TeddyBär nor friends nor work nor God... -_-|||||

It is as if saying auntie in the photo was hanging around TeddyBär too much and uncle thought she didn't love him anymore and got angry and bashed auntie up when they got home which would be very ridiculous.
(if uncle and auntie are actually like that they both need to come to see me...lol more)

So, I am all mushy and sentimental now.
I really thank God for that time when my friends and my TeddyBär played with each other.
and the many beautiful days since then.
and the many more yet to come.

With Masha and his TeddyBär (again!) I end my annual report on rejoicing (or my inability to do so).
and the very sporadic insight about self throat-grabbing, is probably going to be only the start of a long process...
May my steps continue to be guided.