ha~ maybe abnormal

Mum made sure things are miserable at home.
i am ashamed to say that my road rage has recently resurfaced, speeding, breaking hard, swearing inside my head, almost went thru a red light today. >.<
While feeling so labile this morning, reg's nice words almost made me cry. Maybe there is indeed this special species of "female asian non-melbourne doctors" who are just so similarly extra kind and tolerant: Danielle, GP last year, tiff-like reg who leaves by the end of the week. >.<
Consultant has been extra nice. despite my poor english and broca's atrophy, the mental state grilling after each ward round has been what i've enjoyed most about this job.

Thank you irene for being my bucket this lunchtime. >.<
hopefully can find alison tomorrow in ED. Aliken on leave will probably enjoy the company of "Ken-chan"... :D

i am weaning myself off the excessive tabloids, and will go back to writing.
I feel too old to waste time.
Hopefully avolition will not escalate, and I can perservere.

Masha is officially turning 40 next month, working as hard as ever. He recently wrote a new song dedicated to his grandma, with 2 lines of the lyrics as following:
encountering others, trusting others, being hurt by others
hating others, forgiving others, then understanding others

this coming from Masha, is really... enough for me.

I discovered another beautiful chinese tv series while feeling miserable: The adventure story of a king and his grp of friends helping ppl in distress and punishing bad ppl. Story funny and simple, but full of traditional flavour and the dialogues were just beautiful: beautiful classic vocab and lots of references to ancient literature, but so well put that even children can understand and be educated.
Really felt like something I would have enjoyed as a child.

The king was played by a not so well-known twnese actor, often seen playing baddies or DV men in those really auntie shows.囧...
but he looked SO GOOD in period costume...
and he looked a lot like Masha...
and he does this Galileo laugh in the series...

Something to enjoy definitely.
King
King and friends*大心*

"normal"

I had a good day today.
this morning reg and consultant, with full smiles, came over to the HMO office after ECT, just to pick me up to go to breakfast with them. Consultant shouted us coffee, and reg waved to the counter lady: tax invoice tax invoice please! then turning to consultant: you need to salary package... blah blah blah~ LOL
then had lunch with reg... reg as petite as tiff... she ate this massive plate of chips.. o.O then consultant gave me and reg a tute on depression after lunch. He also suggested us to read Kafka. He found his works of interest in a psych way, very fine examples of thought disorders and ambivalence... o.O
i stayed "late" to the other HMO's horror, but finished most of the paperwork. slowly doing things more efficiently now.

i think i have been feeling very lonely at work, seeing mad ppl and nurses ONLY most of the time. I dont get a chance to run into ppl on wards or corridors. i dont get a chance to even lanpage ppl cos no one lanpages on the psych ward and it just doesnt work on the computers.
normal human contact can just make me very happy.
even wen i look back to my sunday cover i really wasnt so "traumatised". I actually felt good in a sense, able to talk to bei, occasionally paging sanka, and nice med reg always just a phone call away...
and the reason why monday morning was so "refreshing", was that reg and I did paperwork together and we chatted as we did things.

i liked psych so far, but i do realise the potential horror of it.
The sense of isolation can just be so overwhelming when you are flooded with mad ppl all day.
and i dont know... even though the med nurses were annoying with their pages...and i seriously derealised and depersonalised under pressure, but they just felt more "normal" and didnt make me feel so..."by myself"---in similar ways as how mad ppl made me feel.
thought hard about it, still cant rationalise my feelings.
and i thought i am so otaku that i would never mind being on my own... i never realised i only become really "on my own" when i cannot turn to the support of fobby stuff i enjoyed...

anyways nothing concrete, my impression of everything in 8 wks time may be very different.

reg told me the other day, rather sympathetically:
lots of psychiatrists are gay, many are lesbians, the rest have a 50% divorce rate.

LOL what a bleak prospect..

but i guess if one is in the habit of psychoanalysing everyone and does professional naming calling to those closest, its really not a surprise for one to end up divorced.
psych doctors dont have the right to look down and disrespect everyone else, deluded that they have the power of mind reading.
neither does a church person have the right to look down on the mental health system, just because they dont get such troubles.

mum has refused to allow me shouting her and dad a CNY dinner.
she sent out the message clear. i really want NOTHING, but ur obedience to my beneficial directions for u in life.
I cant help but think about what i read and remembered as a child: a magistrate who doesnt embezzle can be 10 times more horrible than a magistrate who does.
she has a long standing habit of making ppl feel bad during times of celebration.
but when i was driving, i saw an awesome number plate: FC 8888.
It made me laugh, and feel very 过年.
and i will go shopping tomorrow and forget about all that.

psychoed

first week in psych. reg is assertive but nice, same surname as tiff, similar height as tiff, dress sense similar too. first few days I did have to think for half a second before i called out her name.
consultant is new but also nice. he can tell the most disturbing sarcastic joke with the calmest and kindest smile. We were informed that HDU is due to close for plumbing problems, and he cheerfully suggested we could be all swimming in patients' poo. If i wasnt so stressed i would have had a gd laugh, at how disturbing his thoughts can be. i did some terrible mental states, but at least remembered the negative symptoms of schizo. He may still find me vaguely educatable, and hence suggested that he will educate me more next wk when we get time.
all sounds good, but---

i see a me in every psych patient i see.

the man with the strong religious ideations, who would not let anyone use any inappropriate words to describe his beliefs.
the woman who distresses and bothers every staff on the ward and later apologises profusely to everyone's disgust, on a daily basis.
the man who attempted suicide and later so cheerfully said he's so grateful that he was saved. He would hate to part with his love---his roomful of star trek collections.
I frowned and so quickly pulled away from that childish labile woman who cried to me in distress: I dont want to talk! Talking doesnt help! Let me go home! Medication didnt help me at all!
and 10 hrs later I did and said exactly the same things, kneeling beside my bed in distress:
i dont want to talk! praying doesnt help! church stuff wont help! i want to be back in SH...

i do this to God...
so I wont have to do this to other people...
so i wont have to do this in HDU...
so ...

I never thought i am "LUCKY" when mum doesnt want me to pay home monthly after working, i knew other demands would come, but i underestimated how quickly they would come.
and in such a disgusting way they came.

i still have my choices, could easily ignore her.
but i cant pull myself out of the anger and misery now.
the thought of having to drag myself to a different church this arvo made me more miserable and i have decided not to even try.
and i dont know how much stress i can handle tomorrow in such a state.

I used to think my first pay can at least make me excited and motivated for a short while.
It probably wont.
and it will probably become like Cain's offering, when i am feeling so terrible.

end of last yr i strangely thought to myself...
if intern year gets really bad... i still want to live till i see Masha playing Sakamoto Ryoma in the 2010 taiga drama.
it may come to use, when i am feeling bad and become so short-visioned and amotivated.
Just like how we have to rely on that man's star trek when planning his discharge.
So terrible.

antibiotics, anhedonia, ugly uncles... and the rest

I am back.
Whenever i think of those words, the image of red haired kenshin smiling under a bright blue sky always appears before my eyes.
the shanghai church I used to go to was renovating and temporarily closed, and kinder friend is away in the US, so i went to another church.
It was such a good church.
over 2 weeks I heard 2 pastors preaching really insightful life-related sermons. this is like the first time i heard china pastors preaching insightful sermons.
I was so amazed.
and the church has really clean toilets. many aunties in the toilet were saying with great satisfaction: hey the toilet here is really good...blah blah... :D
who knows? who knows if someone would come to church... for the clean toilets?


Abuse
to save family from fear anxiety and bad mood following any minor sickness i squandered money and excessively self-medicated traditional anti-inflammatories +/- antibiotics at the earliest sign of a mucousy throat throughout my stay in china.
and i didnt get a cold.
and family was happy.
and because of that i am happy, in my sense of achievement, like an absolute medical illiterate.

Anhedonia
my local hairdresser was handsome and looked alot like leehom, and he was friendly and kind and flattered me saying i looked only 20...
but i was scared of being ripped off and lied through my teeth telling him i was pov and from kunming... o.O
and i was too anhedonic to establish any meaningful conversation despite all his sweet talking efforts.

when i walked out from my home in shanghai there was always a group of neighbouring old ladies sitting outside gossiping/cleaning veggies/enjoying the wintry sun.
i disliked them cos i was too anhedonic to greet gossiping strangers and be friendly to them everytime i walked out of my house.
but when i dragged my luggages out on the last day the group of them sitting there all warmly waved me goodbye, even the ones i never bothered to look or smile at.
i was touched, and felt bad.

i think anhedonia is a bad thing.

Ugly uncles
i think i am falling in love with chinese historical dramas again.
over the years i became very disillusioned with those, when they invariably attempted to paint emperor characters as heroes, portraying dictating self-righteousness as a majestic air, and cruel stupid sacrifice of their subordinates as intelligent noble necessity.
completely lacking the humane touch and interesting characters of jap taiga dramas.
but this time i watched a good one... a really good one.
and i watched 50 episodes in 3 days.
i became interested in this series because one of my favourite uncle actors was playing the genius prime minister and his rich scholarly girlfriend was played by one of my favourite actresses.
well might give it a try just to watch the cute couple, as i thought.

the story turned out to be surprisingly engaging, history simple but not downgraded, details and dialogues made so interesting that even my grandma enjoyed the political and military stuff in the series.
most importantly, the king character, who unconditionally supported the prime minister, was surprisingly sincere, honest and convincing.
he was played by a really ugly uncle actor who used to play handsome & morally suspicious businessman characters in many series, hence i disliked him.
but now i am all hearts over the ugly king, and his smart ascetic girlfriend.
when a chinese historical drama is good... nothing can compare.

the genius prime minister
the ugly uncle king

Red Cliff
New year i watched Red Cliff I on TV...
surprisingly good. so glad i didnt miss it.
I resisted seeing it cos I could not accept the idea of Takeshi Kaneshiro playing Zhuge liang. To me he's the typical brainless handsome man who can never handle such a genius character.
yet he was beyond my expectation. by the end of the movie he convinced me that he was Zhuge liang.
much better than tony leung, despite his frequent appearances and that revitalised face, could not convince me that he was Zhou yu.
and i cringed every time he was going mushy with that taiwanese lady. they must be one of the most horrid screen couples.
but but... to my joy... i saw the lovely ugly king again in Red Cliff :D he was playing Lu su, the Waston-like good-hearted sidekick to Zhou yu, who's also kind and friendly to Zhuge liang. *all hearts again*
Really looking forward to Red Cliff II, and hoping for the unlikely opportunity to see it somewhere on big screen.

KIDS
when i was straightening my hair and feeling rather anhedonic, this little glasses boy sat down opposite me.
his mother was busy doing hair and just left him in the hands of the hairdressers, who left him there for like 20mins+...
he has really high rising eye brows which gave him a perpectual startled lost expression on him face...
poor kid...
he was really shy... hesitated lots and spoke very little as the hairdresser asked him questions. only when the hairdresser was about to start his job the boy finally said some words...
surprisingly clear... stating wat he wanted with a very professionally hairdressing, almost anatomical term...
everyone who heard it was rather impressed.
he was unmoved, went back to his silent startled face.
*all hearts*
i used to think only stupid binge-eating kids are cute.
now i've changed my mind. smart kids can be really cute too.

the olympics lip syncing girl now does many ads.
she has the most sickening attention-seeking smile on her face.
everytime i see her on tv i want to hit her.
maybe i have the potential to be a child abuser. o.........O

Suspect X
My face was beaming with love when i saw the cover of "yougisha X no kenshin" in the bookshop.
could not believe i finally own a copy of it.
raced home with excitement, read it over and over again.

when i read it first i felt no sympathy towards ishigami-sensei.
only the noble words of yukawa-sensei touched me.
this time as i read it again and again, i suddenly found Ishigami-sensei really touching as well,
as he is meant to be.

things-to-get
i thought for many years: when i get my first salary the first thing i will go and buy is a set of annotated sherlock holmes.
as this day draws close, i guess i have to decide that there are much more important things to do, much more important stuff to buy.
so dear sherlock has to wait a while more.
and after sherlock...
i will buy non-pirated masha CDs & DVDs... and other favourites...
and...
and...
and...
I have alogia, avolition, anhedonia... and zero confidence.
and I start working the day after next.
>___<
ganbatte ne to myself.