psychoed

first week in psych. reg is assertive but nice, same surname as tiff, similar height as tiff, dress sense similar too. first few days I did have to think for half a second before i called out her name.
consultant is new but also nice. he can tell the most disturbing sarcastic joke with the calmest and kindest smile. We were informed that HDU is due to close for plumbing problems, and he cheerfully suggested we could be all swimming in patients' poo. If i wasnt so stressed i would have had a gd laugh, at how disturbing his thoughts can be. i did some terrible mental states, but at least remembered the negative symptoms of schizo. He may still find me vaguely educatable, and hence suggested that he will educate me more next wk when we get time.
all sounds good, but---

i see a me in every psych patient i see.

the man with the strong religious ideations, who would not let anyone use any inappropriate words to describe his beliefs.
the woman who distresses and bothers every staff on the ward and later apologises profusely to everyone's disgust, on a daily basis.
the man who attempted suicide and later so cheerfully said he's so grateful that he was saved. He would hate to part with his love---his roomful of star trek collections.
I frowned and so quickly pulled away from that childish labile woman who cried to me in distress: I dont want to talk! Talking doesnt help! Let me go home! Medication didnt help me at all!
and 10 hrs later I did and said exactly the same things, kneeling beside my bed in distress:
i dont want to talk! praying doesnt help! church stuff wont help! i want to be back in SH...

i do this to God...
so I wont have to do this to other people...
so i wont have to do this in HDU...
so ...

I never thought i am "LUCKY" when mum doesnt want me to pay home monthly after working, i knew other demands would come, but i underestimated how quickly they would come.
and in such a disgusting way they came.

i still have my choices, could easily ignore her.
but i cant pull myself out of the anger and misery now.
the thought of having to drag myself to a different church this arvo made me more miserable and i have decided not to even try.
and i dont know how much stress i can handle tomorrow in such a state.

I used to think my first pay can at least make me excited and motivated for a short while.
It probably wont.
and it will probably become like Cain's offering, when i am feeling so terrible.

end of last yr i strangely thought to myself...
if intern year gets really bad... i still want to live till i see Masha playing Sakamoto Ryoma in the 2010 taiga drama.
it may come to use, when i am feeling bad and become so short-visioned and amotivated.
Just like how we have to rely on that man's star trek when planning his discharge.
So terrible.