The annual report on rejoicing (4)

Me, TeddyBär in the house, and beautiful days

when I first started this annual report I had no idea where it was heading... at most I probably wanted to rant about how frustrating life in the real world has been... after all, I have reached a point with work (even when nothing adverse happened recently to decompensate me) that now and then after seeing a patient despite knowing i have done all the right things i would still be so miserable and not wanting to eat for days(and i am still endeavouring to pretend everything is normal and will somehow head in the right direction...-_-||||)

i have tried to do what I can to salvage my chinese writing site but after various attempts it remains unsalvageable. I am getting close to the point of saying LET THE PAST DIE just like uncle Soames did (of course we don't mean it, but at least our efforts in trying are commendable lol)

The other day I read about the German polar bear imitators. I found it all kinds of cuteness overload and wouldn't mind at all posing next to one myself. *giggle*
I don't know if people who befriended me all feel in a similar way... that I always seem to have such a TeddyBär hanging around me. not quite a normal soft toy, it's kind of furry, subjectively cute(or not), but somewhat intrusive and hard to comprehend, with ludicrous fake fangs and claws.
and because of TeddyBär, I am not that engaged with the real world.

I then recalled one deep buried fond memory. 10 years ago around this time of the year my friends grouped together and drew a manga book for my 21st present with a storyline of me being a superhero time travelling amongst all my favourite stories...
None of them were drawing people, neither were they TeddyBär lovers like me (at least not my type of TeddyBär lol) .
Yet everyone made an effort to draw, and not only tolerated but played with my TeddyBär in the process.

(the cover of my very personal manga book...)
It's been 10 years. Though I never grew out of various TeddyBär issues, many of these friends stuck around and had numerous hot pots with me in the past decade.

and I realised I am finally a 10/10 because of that, 10 years later.
Gomenasai mina-san.

I think I really need to learn the skills of breaking down all kinds of conscious/subconscious self throat-grabbing behaviour, which are ultimately the joy killers.
What would have stopped me hitting a 10/10 in the past may have a lot to do with my critical internal mother, who kept on berating me that TeddyBär playing is 不务正业, and unless i could focus whole heartedly on the real world I was not going to get anywhere or even if i get somewhere, one day I will be found out and made to pay the price...
and then the self throat-grabbing starts... even with the manga book by friends, I don't think I have allowed myself to be too happy about that--
in my mind that would be using my real friends as means to an end, as well as somewhat implying that TeddyBär was more important than the actual company of real friends, and that would be not quite right...
and before very long the throat-grabbing beliefs turned into not only my internal mother but my friends and even God all berating me for needing a TeddyBär to get on with life.
and I then enjoy neither TeddyBär nor friends nor work nor God... -_-|||||

It is as if saying auntie in the photo was hanging around TeddyBär too much and uncle thought she didn't love him anymore and got angry and bashed auntie up when they got home which would be very ridiculous.
(if uncle and auntie are actually like that they both need to come to see me...lol more)

So, I am all mushy and sentimental now.
I really thank God for that time when my friends and my TeddyBär played with each other.
and the many beautiful days since then.
and the many more yet to come.

With Masha and his TeddyBär (again!) I end my annual report on rejoicing (or my inability to do so).
and the very sporadic insight about self throat-grabbing, is probably going to be only the start of a long process...
May my steps continue to be guided.

The annual report on rejoicing (3)

BFM*s, and the tenderness of this world

Every once in a while (more like several decades) there is a lucky generation that got to know the Forsytes through television. I was part of that lucky cohort and over time they became family to me.

Now that is something for which I always consider myself very lucky.

The story is somewhat soap-operaish, and rather straightforward in lots of ways. There is uncle Soames, Beloved Family Member #1, and auntie Irene, Beloved Family Member #2. BFM #1 hurted BFM #2 badly, and never managed to repair the damage by the end of the story no matter how much he wanted to(and tried), despite the fact too that BFM #2 wronged him first.

"I gave her all she wanted. I would have given her even-forgiveness-but she chose to leave me."

For quite some time I have wanted to write something with the title "the parable of the very forgiving uncle Soames" but then genuinely felt quite sorry for poor uncle Soames if I titled it that way. Sarcastic wording aside what I wanted to say was more or less the same. The Forsyte Saga probably has taught me more about forgiveness than all the decent Christian sermons/books/chicken soups for the soul I got exposed to put together.

We all love stories of forgiveness gestures on a grand scale (eg. concentration camp survivors forgiving Nazis in court, mothers forgiving the murderers of their sons in court etc) and wished that these would inspire us to go on living as more forgiving people day to day dealing with the smaller offences of others. Most of us however don't quite seem to understand why these stories are so appealing and yet the day to day forgiveness remains so hard:
-the inspirational forgiveness stories are so very clear cut and black and white
-the day to day forgiveness that is required of the rest of us is hardly ever black and white and clear cut. More often than not, the offences are mutual and the debt owing are mutual, regardless who may have subjectively been dealt a more decisive blow
-none of us would be very comfortable with the notion of mutual debt owing, and by gravitating towards the inspirational larger than life forgiveness stories, we wished we could also see our own situations as clear cut as"you owe me heaps of money and I owe nothing", feeling conveniently victimised and sweeping our own debts under the carpet

the parable of the unmerciful servant has called us not to grab people by the throat and demand instant payment and throw people into prison. It still puzzles me why we would be deluded that as long as we evade such behaviour in a very literal way every other crime under the sun becomes permissible or even commendable...
no, this is not a call to ride on a moral high horse called "forgiveness" and parade in the street with signs of "I have cancelled the debts of blah and blah" just to publicly announce they have owed you money in the first place to the general public.
nor is this a call to shove "forgiveness" down people's throats and if they put up any resistance, instead of the prison, we drag them into our own dungeons  and lock them up and abuse them till they accept "forgiveness" shoved down their throats.
nor does it give us a right to roam the street day and night to seek and stalk our debtors just so we get our chance to stage our heroic debt cancelling gestures.
and it is probably still not quite right to graciously cancel our debtor's few thousands and not bring anything else up while knowing fully we ourselves owe him/her more than a few thousands as well... or even worse... assume our own debts towards others are automatically cancelled because we are already so graciously cancelling theirs...or worse yet...get offended when our good Christian debtors don't cancel our debts first and remind them that the Master's wrath is close at hand...

This is probably just my personal opinion but i think what wasn't spoken in the parable but may still be a calling... is that when we still haven't fully processed the master's grace, or when we are a bit muddled in the head and couldn't figure out whether we owe others any money or not, or when we know we are prone to impulsive behaviours of throat grabbing +/- public signposting +/- dungeoning +/-force feeding +/- stalking and harrassing (aren't they all variations of throat grabbing anyway?)...
kindly step away from the street for now, and face your debtors only when you know you have the capacity to sort something out properly.

Now, back to The Forsyte Saga.
I love auntie Irene. I want to watch her looking beautiful and playing the piano and smiling kindly at me. She is still a bit of a little girl's idol to me. yes I need my jump comic or taiga drama hot-bloodedness, but what I managed to take from her passive aggression actually was what gave me the very breath that has kept me alive during some very difficult years...
though I haven't really told her that I am not an uncle Soames hater. He, like the rest of us, wants beauty and love and absolution more than anything else and only turned to property entitlement in desperation when he was utterly disappointed and deprived in this regard.
and, just like the rest of us, he has not a single clue, what does it really mean, to cancel another's debt without throat-grabbing in one form or another when matters get a bit personal.
but I suspect she already knew, and is not mad at me for that.

there is a time for Ryomaden and the call to fight till your last breath, but positive energy comes in other forms too--
uncle Soames and auntie Irene, and their joys and woes, to me, are the tenderness of this world.

No matter how many times I read the book (in English or its chinese translation), bits of it never fail to bring me close to tears: Indian summer, Balthasar's death as he joyously greets his master one last time, but what is probably more heartbreaking is when uncle Soames proves himself not really a ruthless man of property but a doting father capable of love and nurture (which would probably land him within the 0.5% percentile of better human beings than the rest 95.5% lol am just catastrophizing again)... and yet we all know no matter how much he reforms with the passage of time there is still no reward for him in sight...

I die a little every time I read this bit:
"For many years he had ceased regretting, even vaguely, the son who had not been born; Fleur filled the bill in his heart."

But this sadness does not translate into a 2-3/10. In fact it is probably an 8-9/10.

*borrowed the term BFM from the Mockingbird magazine with thanks~

The annual report on rejoicing (2)

This is probably a chronic 7/10.

Clear soba broth with Saitou-san
I saw Saitou-san in that little noodle stall around the corner, sitting at his usual spot eating quietly from a bowl. As I approached my level of distress was evident. He said nothing and did not even glance up from that bowl, but it looked like i at least had his reticent consent to sit down.

As I stuttered and perseverated explaining my predicament he just quietly slurped away at his noodles and didn't knock me out with one hit of his scabbard. I hoped I could claim with some kind of pride that ever since the day I first met him when I was 15 his motto has become my motto and over all these years I have in some ways held firmly to my beliefs and have not turned into a tragic failure in his eyes.

but at the end of the day, I know deep down I have in fact became a gutless, boring, and annoying adult. Despite all kinds of help (and all my own half-hearted efforts), I am still kicking and fighting the role I thought I've accepted as my life calling. I figured he wouldn't have lots of patience for losers like me.

He sneered a little, probably at the para-religious terminology. It's ok. He never struck me as the religious type anyway. Then he finished slurping his soba and finally spoke, surprisingly not as sarcastic in tone as I thought:

"You've lost your guts, haven't you? "
"Never had much to start with." I replied without thinking.
"Oh is that right?"
He laughed out loud in this crisp wintry air. Pushing aside the empty bowl he lit a cigarette and sat back on his stool, puffing a cloud of smoke next to me. My eyes felt a bit teary.

I probably haven't changed much from that anxious clueless teenager years ago. When most of my peers covered their diaries with pictures of boy stars (or at least better looking anime characters lol) I drew in mine pages of Saitou-san sword-waving and looking murderous and mean and found it strangely containing. Life was good back in the old days when academic excellence covered over a multitude of sins and I never got referred to school counsellor or CAMHS for deviant behaviour...

maybe I should have told him about the good old days instead, and let him know that after this many years, these words of his, have never failed to become music for me:

As a member of the shinsengumi and of the police, I have a duty to protect the peace of Japan and her people. once I accepted this role, losing my own life, or killing another, became a given. To obsess over a principle of "no kill" like battousai, is like digging one's own grave. the dead are at peace, the only thing I can do, is to take up their unfufiled responsibilities.  Only in this way, their souls will rest peacefully in heaven.

As I savoured his words once again I got a bit emotional and my eyes became even more blurred, but he got up and, with the cigarette butt still hanging from between his teeth, let out a little laughter:

"but my job is different to yours, don't be a brainless fool and take everything on board."

"What should I do then, Saitou-san?"
"Think for yourself."

The annual report on rejoicing (1)

The other day I saw a patient referred by her GP. she spoke of a two year history of episodic teariness and acopia with finding employment after being sacked at work. She has been told by her family and probably her GP too that she has chronic depression and a psych reg review would mean a stamp of approval for her DSP application.
I asked her if there were anything she enjoyed in life.
she brightened up and told me how much she loved her son's company: when my son visits or takes me shopping my mood is a 10/10!

that moment I had all kinds of swearing words in English/mando/shanghainese flashing across my head.
Tell me again why am I seeing you?
I certainly cannot remember the last time my own mood hit a 10/10 (or that it ever made it to a 10/10, ever,  for that matter)

In all fairness the patient with her secondary gain and familial bliss even in the worst Freudian Oedipus Complex sense (disturbing stuff, don't google it) did not warrant the load of internal multilingual obscenities. (and no I don't internally swear at patients as a habit) I do wonder if my own guilt and intolerance at my incapacity to rejoice and create positive energy played a huge role here somewhere.

the calling for the season to rejoice in the Lord is still left standing and I don't think I have progressed much after all since a year ago. Guilt has certainly been getting worse as I realized in various ways my lack of capacity to enter a state of exultation about various religious or secular matters (even Korean drama with handsome rich DID patient)
-despite getting really lucky for the past three years and now no more burdens of exams/courses/essays
-despite the long cases being scrapped off from the system just as i was about to sit for exams (still can't believe it happened)
-despite getting free psychotherapy for almost three years now (T_T)
-despite often if not always getting the rotations I wanted and which other people coveted, and more often than not I end up not finding them very inspiring... (we have a few strong characters in our midst and training coordinator gets lots of crap these days for allegedly playing favouritism with the rotations. God bless her. T_T)
Sadly rejoicing is one of those things that gets ever harder with an effort based approach. the more I try to boost up positive energy as a sign of appreciation, the more i fail. i become constantly plagued by the urges of kowtowing to various relevant parties involved (including God) for my lack of gratitude (not even directly paying back but merely going forth and live a positive and content life, deriving meaning and satisfaction from my very meaningful profession... )
but maybe at the end of the day i am just as bad as the clueless person who came up with this diagram below, and I've been kowtowing to that perfectionistic image of myself in the water, where all things within me and outside of me, by a nebulous timeframe of the good and bad things happened so far, need to at a mysterious moment in life fall into their right places.

The dichotomy of 2 Cor 6:10 however got me thinking laterally. Likely in  a desperate attempt of self-justification of my lack of positive energy, I am slowly counting my blessings and coming up with a list of situations where my mood undoubtedly reached beyond a 5/10...

1. The reassurance time and time again, that I need not be part of a madhouse to still believe in God

Articles like these are often life-saving and can easily get me up to a 7-8/10.
Everything I like fits together
5 Damaging Messages about God's Presence
When i go to a service these days and listen to the very emotionally charged P&W and pastor sermons I still often wonder uneasily whether I am in a madhouse. (did I tell you I decided to go to my latest church because it is held in a cinema and the attendees are many and the lights are dim hence people are less likely going to spot my uneasy affect and lack of emotional participation?)
Sorry this is offensive. :( though I know I have been offensive like this for many years and probably just couldnt articulate it and hid well behind superficial meek and mildness. Better it comes out now.

Still by His grace there is progress despite my hypervigilance with madhouseness. After being homeless for many years I have finally found a cell group with very lovely people (all girls, all Asians, like minded, enjoy the same food) XD *I know...
and being part of a mentoring committee with really nice intern and med students has also helped a great deal with this hypervigilance. Surprised the other day i had a long meeting genuinely and respectfully engaging with people I didn't know that well (and managed to pray in public a few times lol) and walked away feeling quite recharged rather than exhausted.

So, work in progress as always. but there is hope of rejoicing, and 7-8/10 moods.