The annual report on rejoicing (1)

The other day I saw a patient referred by her GP. she spoke of a two year history of episodic teariness and acopia with finding employment after being sacked at work. She has been told by her family and probably her GP too that she has chronic depression and a psych reg review would mean a stamp of approval for her DSP application.
I asked her if there were anything she enjoyed in life.
she brightened up and told me how much she loved her son's company: when my son visits or takes me shopping my mood is a 10/10!

that moment I had all kinds of swearing words in English/mando/shanghainese flashing across my head.
Tell me again why am I seeing you?
I certainly cannot remember the last time my own mood hit a 10/10 (or that it ever made it to a 10/10, ever,  for that matter)

In all fairness the patient with her secondary gain and familial bliss even in the worst Freudian Oedipus Complex sense (disturbing stuff, don't google it) did not warrant the load of internal multilingual obscenities. (and no I don't internally swear at patients as a habit) I do wonder if my own guilt and intolerance at my incapacity to rejoice and create positive energy played a huge role here somewhere.

the calling for the season to rejoice in the Lord is still left standing and I don't think I have progressed much after all since a year ago. Guilt has certainly been getting worse as I realized in various ways my lack of capacity to enter a state of exultation about various religious or secular matters (even Korean drama with handsome rich DID patient)
-despite getting really lucky for the past three years and now no more burdens of exams/courses/essays
-despite the long cases being scrapped off from the system just as i was about to sit for exams (still can't believe it happened)
-despite getting free psychotherapy for almost three years now (T_T)
-despite often if not always getting the rotations I wanted and which other people coveted, and more often than not I end up not finding them very inspiring... (we have a few strong characters in our midst and training coordinator gets lots of crap these days for allegedly playing favouritism with the rotations. God bless her. T_T)
Sadly rejoicing is one of those things that gets ever harder with an effort based approach. the more I try to boost up positive energy as a sign of appreciation, the more i fail. i become constantly plagued by the urges of kowtowing to various relevant parties involved (including God) for my lack of gratitude (not even directly paying back but merely going forth and live a positive and content life, deriving meaning and satisfaction from my very meaningful profession... )
but maybe at the end of the day i am just as bad as the clueless person who came up with this diagram below, and I've been kowtowing to that perfectionistic image of myself in the water, where all things within me and outside of me, by a nebulous timeframe of the good and bad things happened so far, need to at a mysterious moment in life fall into their right places.

The dichotomy of 2 Cor 6:10 however got me thinking laterally. Likely in  a desperate attempt of self-justification of my lack of positive energy, I am slowly counting my blessings and coming up with a list of situations where my mood undoubtedly reached beyond a 5/10...

1. The reassurance time and time again, that I need not be part of a madhouse to still believe in God

Articles like these are often life-saving and can easily get me up to a 7-8/10.
Everything I like fits together
5 Damaging Messages about God's Presence
When i go to a service these days and listen to the very emotionally charged P&W and pastor sermons I still often wonder uneasily whether I am in a madhouse. (did I tell you I decided to go to my latest church because it is held in a cinema and the attendees are many and the lights are dim hence people are less likely going to spot my uneasy affect and lack of emotional participation?)
Sorry this is offensive. :( though I know I have been offensive like this for many years and probably just couldnt articulate it and hid well behind superficial meek and mildness. Better it comes out now.

Still by His grace there is progress despite my hypervigilance with madhouseness. After being homeless for many years I have finally found a cell group with very lovely people (all girls, all Asians, like minded, enjoy the same food) XD *I know...
and being part of a mentoring committee with really nice intern and med students has also helped a great deal with this hypervigilance. Surprised the other day i had a long meeting genuinely and respectfully engaging with people I didn't know that well (and managed to pray in public a few times lol) and walked away feeling quite recharged rather than exhausted.

So, work in progress as always. but there is hope of rejoicing, and 7-8/10 moods.