The annual report on rejoicing (2)

This is probably a chronic 7/10.

Clear soba broth with Saitou-san
I saw Saitou-san in that little noodle stall around the corner, sitting at his usual spot eating quietly from a bowl. As I approached my level of distress was evident. He said nothing and did not even glance up from that bowl, but it looked like i at least had his reticent consent to sit down.

As I stuttered and perseverated explaining my predicament he just quietly slurped away at his noodles and didn't knock me out with one hit of his scabbard. I hoped I could claim with some kind of pride that ever since the day I first met him when I was 15 his motto has become my motto and over all these years I have in some ways held firmly to my beliefs and have not turned into a tragic failure in his eyes.

but at the end of the day, I know deep down I have in fact became a gutless, boring, and annoying adult. Despite all kinds of help (and all my own half-hearted efforts), I am still kicking and fighting the role I thought I've accepted as my life calling. I figured he wouldn't have lots of patience for losers like me.

He sneered a little, probably at the para-religious terminology. It's ok. He never struck me as the religious type anyway. Then he finished slurping his soba and finally spoke, surprisingly not as sarcastic in tone as I thought:

"You've lost your guts, haven't you? "
"Never had much to start with." I replied without thinking.
"Oh is that right?"
He laughed out loud in this crisp wintry air. Pushing aside the empty bowl he lit a cigarette and sat back on his stool, puffing a cloud of smoke next to me. My eyes felt a bit teary.

I probably haven't changed much from that anxious clueless teenager years ago. When most of my peers covered their diaries with pictures of boy stars (or at least better looking anime characters lol) I drew in mine pages of Saitou-san sword-waving and looking murderous and mean and found it strangely containing. Life was good back in the old days when academic excellence covered over a multitude of sins and I never got referred to school counsellor or CAMHS for deviant behaviour...

maybe I should have told him about the good old days instead, and let him know that after this many years, these words of his, have never failed to become music for me:

As a member of the shinsengumi and of the police, I have a duty to protect the peace of Japan and her people. once I accepted this role, losing my own life, or killing another, became a given. To obsess over a principle of "no kill" like battousai, is like digging one's own grave. the dead are at peace, the only thing I can do, is to take up their unfufiled responsibilities.  Only in this way, their souls will rest peacefully in heaven.

As I savoured his words once again I got a bit emotional and my eyes became even more blurred, but he got up and, with the cigarette butt still hanging from between his teeth, let out a little laughter:

"but my job is different to yours, don't be a brainless fool and take everything on board."

"What should I do then, Saitou-san?"
"Think for yourself."