decided to take the rest of today completely off...
Broca's atrophy was alright 2day... mind blocked here & there... but i was happy as long as broca's atrophy din have a sudden flare during the osce.
told sally & dora i was going home to sleep... >_____< din happen... wen i walked out actually thought abt checking up on siew yong in her pharmacy... but she din pick up her call... so... >____<
bumped into bei's grp & wei as i walked out, thought ppl r going to amy's lunch and followed them...O___o but ended up going to yum cha with bei's grp...
had a gd relaxing chat with wei abt random non-med interests & various dodgy stuff happening in china etc... but bei's grp was full-on comparing mcq answers... and i realise i got almost every single one of those wrong.... *traumatised*
*running up to tiff & crying: 呜呜呜呜........*
---------------------------------
i thought abt why i am doing med...
for anyone out there who thinks ppl in med r just doing it for the money & prestige & now it serves u right to suffer & u dun have the right to regret ur choice---
well feel free to live in ur fantasy of self-righteousness & criticism if that makes u feel better.
let me just say i never regretted choosing to do med. it was the only thing that offered an aspect of interest to me at the time, and probaly still is if I need to make this choice again.
it is probably one of the wisest choice I have made in life, the friends i have is sufficient reason to justify that, and being in med has indeed been a great blessing to my life..
wen u make a choice u never have full autonomy to do wat u most wanted.
its only wen i perceive myself to be very incompetent, and think that med is DEFINITELY stopping me from pursuing wat i most wanted to do, then i develop a hate towards it.
but such defeatist feelings r always transient.
i prob procrastinate heaps... i prob can't study as well as all the other ppl in med... and i always have the thought that someone with a communication skill as poor as mine is just unfit for modern society... and even more unfit of being a doctor.
but i still want to be a gd doctor, because I think God has put me here.
so... b4 God says no, I want everything, and I will do my best to get everything i wanted done.
------------------
i have been close to God in the past few days...
it was so easy to sink into despair during exam prep... and He was comforting to me during those scariest times.
so to God:
I know I shouldn't allow my faith to atrophy just because my broca atrophies;
i know it is not very Godly to wonder(though not very seriously)wat it feels like to jump off the austin balcony the day b4 osce exam;
i know i should stop being anxious wen He gave me His promise...shouldn't have constant ill-founded fear that i haven't done enough and I will fall short of the promise.
i know i shouldn't distrust and hate You wen i don't get wat i think i should get.
but i am so weak and my faith is so little...
but realising all these is good:
made me realise how incredibly human I am, how sinful & rebellious I am, how very weak I am and how much I am in need of u.
Lord please have mercy on me. Only You can delivery the help I needed.
Thank you for your incredible patience & mercy throughout the semester. Please let me have faith and rely on you for the next thing to come.
today
inadequate
inadequate...
i feel very inadequate...
studying something and capable of forgetting 50% in the next hr & 100% the next morning just made me feel very inadequate.
maybe its normal for everyone... but i lack the inner strength & drive to persist in this terrible cycle til the moment wat i studied repetitively could stay in my brain.
its a terrible thing to realise how very wk and inadequate u r and that u r still hoping to get watever u don't deserve.
and knowing that wen u don't get wat u don't deserve u will turn grumpy and mean.
bou-chan's new blog post this morning greatly comforted me.
commentaries on the most memorable ppls of shinsengumi.
i could almost recall the immense joy & excitement wen i first met saitou-sama.
the joy & excitement of meeting such a unique & noble personality.
and my own foolish dream of living a life persevering in a set of principles just like saitou-sama.
the dream was foolish, but do i want to live with such courage & wisdom? or do i want to continue in this useless inadequacy struggling to please everyone & everything with my life and finding that i have failed in every aspect, especially... that I have failed myself...& God?
too deep & meaningful a thing to be thinking abt during exam revision...
prayer points
sally, tiff & me r going to elective in kunming with msi.
after a day of sub-optimal concentration and mcq trial papers with traumatising results, I feel very happy after hearing this news.
so... Lord plz dun let me do very badly on my exams... so i won't need to have austin dean discussing with me: maybe u should stay in melbourne for elective and do some catch up studying?
>________<
if that happens...that would be.... very...traumatising....
anyways serious prayer points:
1. for God's blessing and guidance to prepare us all for this trip
2. financially adequate to go for the elective and not needing to be at parents' mercy TOO MUCH.
3. in the next half yr, for mum not to get sudden control impulses and override her initial approval for me to go(which very likely will happen), and for me to deal with it patiently and not fearfully if it happens.
4. (most importantly) Trust in God in watever changing situations.
"sad"
on friday i mentioned the word "sad" to tiffany numerous times...
she was trying to convince me that life is not sad.
well... i guess u noe me well enuf to noe that if i am reali SAD i won't be talking abt my problems.
i prob would be in one of those impulsive fits--walking across austin and wishing for a car to run me over.
so... wen i am grumbling to my friends with a smiling face... then i am prob in a reasonably good mood.
last tuesday i had my long case trial exam... was in a state of prostrate distress wen i saw jeremy in the common room.
he listened to my pitiable grumbling for at least half an hr.
... and was very understanding, and very kind, and kept on saying nice things to calm me down.
i thought he would prob be his normal self.. impatient with my grumbling abt nothing, and just dismiss my distress or distract me with sum crude jokes or the like.
so... thank you.
and i think i should re-define the word "sad" wen i say it:
it means---
the situation is probably not so pleasant.
but God has taken away my fear.
^________^
"Mary Kay"
friday--
kev: oh i forgot to go to box hill and buy chocolates!
me: i live in box hill, wat chocolates do you want?
kev: there is this reali nice truffle...
and the next moment he instinctively blurted out the name: MARY KAY!
*cough*
Mary Kay is a make-up brand... in australia specialises in wedding make-overs...
^____________^
so kevin... did u use Mary Kay only for ur yr 12 fairy look?
or... its one of ur daily essentials?
but eventually he realised Mary Kay wasn't right and gave me the right brand name: Lily O'briens.
so... i went and bought lily obriens truffles.
its a leading irish chocolate brand.
there r some little taglines on the packaging: "I start making chocolates in my kitchen in 1992 with 2 pans and a trusty wooden spoon", "we hope that you enjoy tasting them as much as we enjoy making them".
its a wonderful thing wen one's career can be so enjoyable.
but no matter how much hardcore people can enjoy med... they can never say a line such as:
we hope that you enjoy being treated as much as we enjoy treating you.LOL
*shudder*
but i suddenly remember nick's souffles...
nick can prob open a dessert house aside from his aspiring med career.
and wen ppl drool over his wonderful souffles... he can add this as an emotionally-appealing ad:
i start making souffles during our stressful exam yr so my friends could enjoy the souffle and feel happy about life despite the stress. its still my passion to see smiles on people's faces even wen life is stressful.
^______________^
anywayz the point of this blog...
dearest grp 9, i wil miss u all heaps wen we part company next semester... *sniff*
