today

decided to take the rest of today completely off...
Broca's atrophy was alright 2day... mind blocked here & there... but i was happy as long as broca's atrophy din have a sudden flare during the osce.
told sally & dora i was going home to sleep... >_____< din happen... wen i walked out actually thought abt checking up on siew yong in her pharmacy... but she din pick up her call... so... >____<
bumped into bei's grp & wei as i walked out, thought ppl r going to amy's lunch and followed them...O___o but ended up going to yum cha with bei's grp...
had a gd relaxing chat with wei abt random non-med interests & various dodgy stuff happening in china etc... but bei's grp was full-on comparing mcq answers... and i realise i got almost every single one of those wrong.... *traumatised*
*running up to tiff & crying: 呜呜呜呜........*
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i thought abt why i am doing med...
for anyone out there who thinks ppl in med r just doing it for the money & prestige & now it serves u right to suffer & u dun have the right to regret ur choice---
well feel free to live in ur fantasy of self-righteousness & criticism if that makes u feel better.

let me just say i never regretted choosing to do med. it was the only thing that offered an aspect of interest to me at the time, and probaly still is if I need to make this choice again.
it is probably one of the wisest choice I have made in life, the friends i have is sufficient reason to justify that, and being in med has indeed been a great blessing to my life..
wen u make a choice u never have full autonomy to do wat u most wanted.
its only wen i perceive myself to be very incompetent, and think that med is DEFINITELY stopping me from pursuing wat i most wanted to do, then i develop a hate towards it.
but such defeatist feelings r always transient.
i prob procrastinate heaps... i prob can't study as well as all the other ppl in med... and i always have the thought that someone with a communication skill as poor as mine is just unfit for modern society... and even more unfit of being a doctor.
but i still want to be a gd doctor, because I think God has put me here.
so... b4 God says no, I want everything, and I will do my best to get everything i wanted done.
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i have been close to God in the past few days...
it was so easy to sink into despair during exam prep... and He was comforting to me during those scariest times.
so to God:
I know I shouldn't allow my faith to atrophy just because my broca atrophies;
i know it is not very Godly to wonder(though not very seriously)wat it feels like to jump off the austin balcony the day b4 osce exam;
i know i should stop being anxious wen He gave me His promise...shouldn't have constant ill-founded fear that i haven't done enough and I will fall short of the promise.
i know i shouldn't distrust and hate You wen i don't get wat i think i should get.
but i am so weak and my faith is so little...
but realising all these is good:
made me realise how incredibly human I am, how sinful & rebellious I am, how very weak I am and how much I am in need of u.
Lord please have mercy on me. Only You can delivery the help I needed.
Thank you for your incredible patience & mercy throughout the semester. Please let me have faith and rely on you for the next thing to come.