inadequate

inadequate...
i feel very inadequate...
studying something and capable of forgetting 50% in the next hr & 100% the next morning just made me feel very inadequate.
maybe its normal for everyone... but i lack the inner strength & drive to persist in this terrible cycle til the moment wat i studied repetitively could stay in my brain.
its a terrible thing to realise how very wk and inadequate u r and that u r still hoping to get watever u don't deserve.
and knowing that wen u don't get wat u don't deserve u will turn grumpy and mean.
bou-chan's new blog post this morning greatly comforted me.
commentaries on the most memorable ppls of shinsengumi.
i could almost recall the immense joy & excitement wen i first met saitou-sama.
the joy & excitement of meeting such a unique & noble personality.
and my own foolish dream of living a life persevering in a set of principles just like saitou-sama.
the dream was foolish, but do i want to live with such courage & wisdom? or do i want to continue in this useless inadequacy struggling to please everyone & everything with my life and finding that i have failed in every aspect, especially... that I have failed myself...& God?
too deep & meaningful a thing to be thinking abt during exam revision...