Ramblings

I hate the me that do things apart from God.
And I am more and more glad when i can come back to Him and affirm that He loves me.
Exam is finally finished for me. Not much sense of holiday joy, cos the exam was only a sole 40 mins oral exam.
Went to see 2 ppl at graduation today: max and yi qiu. A few friends have also done a countdown calendar for our graduation. Do i look forward to my graduation? prob not, but still i think the red roses some ppl were holding looked awesome with the cardinal red hood for medicine.
Yes I would love some red roses on my graduation too. But i guess its useless to fantasize about such things.
after exam i usually become more careless, rude and disinhibited in things I say...(usually on a mild and prob unnoticeable level)but still hopefully din offend anyone by any chance.
At my blunt insistence med family changed gathering place from glenny to jeremy's house, and still a full house turned up... was touched.. to see the mostly complete family again. As I leave I just felt sad.
at church the whole youth grp saw paul & wenshu off to china mission, and danielle is already gone. happy occasion, and a weird and ill-founded shanghainese pride came to me. Its wonderful to see shanghainese ppl being such faithful children of God.
on a racist generalisation we shanghainese have very hardened hearts, think too much and too vulgarly for our own good and very absorbed in our self-centredness. So its a truely wonderful thing to see God shaping many of our kind into Godly atypical shanghainese.
And yes I would love to go for medical mission for my electives. But before He clearly sends me I would pray and not move. However this I could fantasize about, cos sally kindly offered me over lunch: "hey if u ever want to borrow money from me just let me know. I am not that rich but around 500 should be ok..."
LOL and Hugz to sally. I reali reali do miss u too.
The greatest achievement for me this semester is to realise God does love me, and I do have a relationship with Him and I long to be closer and closer. This love is in fact similar to how I love normal humans, but only better.
Only better, much better.
Or this really shouldn't be called an achievement? cos its all His grace.
i have also realised that wen a distressed prayer is not immediately answered, it reali is not that He doesn't care. When I continue to rely on Him, He will bring me peace and His answer will come.
in retrospect, I had a very poor opinion of the character of the God I worshipped, which was.... indeed disturbing.
Thanx to His love, that grew me in Godly wisdom.

Aggressive

Chris told me: YN i think you are more aggressive now.
O_O
Am I?
maybe i am, given I was very under-aggressive. Living under an impulsive and aggressive mother I have learnt to avoid aggravation at all costs.
Maybe its her current absence at home that allowed me to give more expression to my aggressiveness.
lol
not reali.
i pray wen i am assertive, i am assertive for His glory.
and wen i am not, its always out of submission and love, not out of fear of aggravation.

Thank Him again, I learnt a gd lesson 2day.

A moment of revelation

Today I was not too troubled by my lymph nodes, but wasn't in a mood of studying either, and out of sloth and greed I had this huge craving for KFC, so was persuading tiffany to go to KFC with me. In the end I didn't go either, but went to burgundy st and bought some sushis, probably a much wiser thing to do.

Just want to share abit of some Godly wisdoms I have recently acquired. 2 wks ago at the bible study at youth group we were discussing a verse, and suddenly the revelation(probably the biggest revelation of my life came to me.

Luke 9:23 Then he said to them all: "If anyone would come after me, he must deny himself and take up his cross daily and follow me."

I not only occasionally envy ppl's crosses which seemed lighter, but more of the times, I am glaring at other ppls' crosses that seemed much "heavier".
This tendency greatly accentuates as i frequent the oncology ward these days, look at terminally ill patients and live with a survivor's guilt that why its those ppl and not me who have to suffer such misfortune. thus I live in perpetual doubt and fear that: when will I have to deal with these horrid trials? Should I be mentally prepared for such things now so I can be strong when they actually hit me?
all of the talks, sermons, books, on "do not worry" had minimal effects on me.

But as i read about "take up his cross daily", i was suddenly hit by the word "daily".
not "take up his cross and never put it down", but "take up his cross daily".
so one's cross each day is not the same. today's cross is not tomorrow's cross.
Liberating for someone paranoid like me.
so I can just focus on taking up my own cross today, and won't need to look at other heavier crosses or speculate what is my cross tomorrow.

when I do focus and look at my cross for each day, its not such an easy task either, but to be honest, a much easier load than what i always made myself carry in the past.
And I am a much happier person when I can focus on carrying my daily cross.

Thank Him.

Psalm 73

This week sometime, out of some ill-founded despair, i decided that I had enough and i was going to stay down a pit, never coming out again.
But God has been so gracious to pull me out gently & firmly even b4 the thought became consolidated in my mind.
And I am happy that I am under His authority again.
And that just made me realise that if my uni life has been without Him, how difficult I myself would have made it to be.
Sometimes its just so hard to tell if we are going thru difficult struggles or not(whether imaginary or actual struggles). I know i am neither suicidal nor depressed, but it doesn't mean when i exaggerate a situation in a wrong state of mind, I would not walk across the driveway of austin hospital and wish the car to run me over.
So i won't need to care about anything from then on.
And that, was absolute stupidity.

during my walk with God, one thing reali strikes me is that He reali took care of me like how a Father would love an ignorant bad tempered child.
He actively pursues me, even wen I am faithless.
As I cry my eyes out in a corner because my building blocks have collapsed, he would not leave me there, for me to calm down from senseless tears and become obedient, before he communicate to me again.
He would come and comfort me and hold my hand and draw me back to Him.

one of my favourite psalms is Psalm 73
....This is what the wicked are like--
always carefree, they increase in wealth.

Surely in vain have I kept my heart pure;
in vain have I washed my hands in innocence.
All day long I have been plagued;
I have been punished every morning.

If I had said,"I will speak thus,"
I would have betrayed your children.
When I tried to understand all this
it was oppressive to me
till I entered the sanctuary of God;
then I understood their final destiny.

...When my heart was grieved
and my spirit embittered
I was senseless and ignorant;
I was a brute beast before you.

Yet I am always with you;
you hold me by my right hand.
You guide me with your counsel,
and afterward you will take me into glory.
Whom have I in heaven but you?
And earth has nothing I desire besides you.
My flesh and my heart may fail,
but God is the strength of my heart
and my portion forever.

i want to thank Him for I am loved, and for all He had done in me.

watever i say

Whatever I say to ppl, sometimes i need to say them to myself.

Just scratched my car really badly 1 hour ago.
Now in the agonising process of waiting for dad to be home to break the news.
and i noe that although mum is far away in shanghai, her wrath is going to be very stirred up as soon as the news reaches her.
she has an obsession that no mistakes ever should be made by anyone.
I fear my blog has turned into a grumblog like the one sally used to have.

Just had a visit to bou-chan's blog before, and saw the encouraging message i wrote her 2 days ago:
"watever troubles and agony you are going through, just remember that from them, beautiful flowers will blossom one day"
so yeh, watever i say to people, i really need to say to myself.

Kenshin says...

In response to tiffany’s blog.

Once upon a time, 2 people had a memorable conversation.

Kaoru: The new age has really come. We will be at peace, and that naive dream will really be reality.
Then what a wonderful thing it is, that we can all stay together!

Kenshin: But, it’s impossible…
Time changes, even kenjutsu will change, but people don’t change.
That just…doesn’t happen…
People all walk their own paths, live their own lives.
A journey without farewells, a beginning without end…
It's a little lonely, but that's how it is.

Last Friday when we gather, “some ppl flicked off to somewhere. Eventually, we dissolved and went home our separate ways”.
I was sad. Not so much for ppl flicking off, but for myself not even realizing when ppl flicked off.

So is Kenshin right or not?
Maybe he is. Since he is 28 and has seen much of the world.
Kaoru is just a naive 17 year old.

But as for us, we have the hope, that even when we are embolized to our different directions, the love of God still has the power to bind us all together,

living with horrid thoughts

it is the time of the year when pressure is on me, and my body feels very out of control.
believe or not, i live daily with many ill-founded horrid thoughts. being the only child i have chronic fear of dying b4 my parents as well as my spinster aunt, thus won't be able to take care of them in their aging years.
last year when my body felt out of control, i lost trust in God... I knew He still existed, He was still in control of everything. but I dun believe He loved me, I thought He would either kill me off young because He wishes so, or prolong my life simply to marry me off to some miserable unattractive guy who has great emotional need so I could provide the "godly love" he needs.
My friends feel free to be horrified at this, i DID think so back then. (I myself feel horrified at such thoughts when i think back)

This year the same problem came back, the progression of it probably made me more fearful. Though I knew i could distract myself with various things and be in denial and forget about such problems, I knew when i start thinking or reading anything vaguely related to it, my paranoia would really set in.
Oh but is it a paranoia? the patient I interviewed some days ago had Parkinsons diagnosed in her 30s. But before her diagnosis, she was regarded, by many doctors, as a pure neurotic who made things up in her head.
So am I paranoid or not? I would only noe after I find out more about my physical conditions. Funny how my mental wellbeing is not determined by what I think, but by whether I have the actual physical illness or not.
Well saturday i will go and see my GP, I hope he could put some sense into me. And before that I will trust and not worry, still learning.
I really do not want to lose faith in God again because of my circumstances.

This morning I read 2 Corithians 1. A passage that never caught my eye before just moved me so much:
2 Corithians 1: 20-22 For no matter how many promises God has made, they are "yes" in Christ. And so through him the "Amen" is spoken by us to the glory of God. Now it is God who makes both us and you stand firm in Christ. He anointed us, set his seal of ownership on us, and put his Spirit in our hearts as a deposit, guaranteeing what is to come.
I will say the "Amen", and I believe I will be made firm.
help me to deal with my distress or my paranoia, later.

Remembrance: Last day of 21 years old

I had a good party yesterday.
Very happy to see everyone, very happy to be the centre of attention, very happy to be hugging the black poo-ball soft toy while feeling loved by friends.
LO! Me and my shallow happiness.
Still I am glad of it. The only one time in a year I want to feel..."spoilt".
And guess what, I had it.
It was hard to imagine me, so content among friends at the party, the nite before had an over-the-top panic attack, couldn't go to sleep and was drowning myself in tears of self-pity and pathological fear for the future.
And especially scared that... with His impending tests and trials, I will surely fail and probably turn bitter.
yes a pretty grave acute-on-chronic circumstance triggered that unpleasant episode of insomnia, but reali did the circumstance MATTER?
If I am fully immersed in the love of God, would I still have feared?
If I have offered my life completely to God, would I still have sorrowfully pitied myself for my "misfortune"?
And if I have loved God enough, will I want to FAIL? I definitely will not be thinking "I will surely fail" even before the situation comes.
With 22 years old fast approaching in a few hours I have realised that I do desire God greatly and wanted to live my life His ways...
yet the desire for self-gratification still tags along at every opportunity looking for free rides.
Meaning God has more work to do with me, and I need to ask Him to really prepare my heart for it.
Today dear irene drove us to bendigo. After dinner she invited me to her room to watch John Bevere sermon DVD. Very good sermon that speaks to your heart.
What a wonderful way to end the 21st yr of my life!
I am looking forward to the equally blessed start of the 22nd yr of my life.^^ (looking at my watch now... LOL)
Thank you Lord, for everything, and I mean it.

29th of Jun to 12th of Jul

I have neglected my English blog for more than two months now. i think it deserves a big chunky post from me.
A few details of what happened in the past 2 wonderful weeks.

before this 2 wk period started I was pretty much distressing about it... thinking that I definitely would get sick during this time, become exhausted and have a pretty miserable time.

Turns out this is probably one of the most memorable fortnight in my life so far. Will always keep the memories, laugh and cry over it in future times.

Youth camp
Past 2 youth camps I have missed both. Almost thought I couldn't make it for this one either because of sickness, but then thought: I do have a responsibility to go. So pumped myself up with vitamin supplements and prepared sufficient aspirins b4 I set off.
Although being an atrociously pathetic first-aider, and also still in the habit of thinking with too much complexity and therefore probably was not able to offer clear powerful answers to ppl in discussion, I found myself very encourged overall through this camp.
Living in the leaders' lounge with lingli, ruth, siewyong, danielle and ariel: very comfy, very bonding, very fun, very enjoyable. Even had a chance to do BGR d&m one afternoon. Bonus was that we were all decent aged ppl who slept early and knew how to take care of ourselves and each other.
Medical emergencies: exposed my utter ignorance in medical practice... I did not know how to deal with a casualty screaming in pain, even after 3+ years of studies...(yes I know) After 1st emergency... I was secretly thinking--thank goodness Jason was there to handle it, very unlikely another emergency will happen--No, the next day my probability theory was proven wrong. 2nd emergency! This time no Dr Jason around. Danielle and Ruth were doing as much as they could, so I suddenly realised I should be doing something too.
All I could do was to run back and get my first aid book to check up the index for muscle cramps. Real life situation and 3 lines of text on a book, however, can be very very different. Finally realised one simple golden rule: Each situation has to be dealt differently. But it was very comforting to know so many people were there helping, so many people came and gave encouraging concerns, and so many people prayed.
Special thanks goes to Danielle, Ruth, David, as well as Mary and Sharon who helped me to analyse the situation across the phone... Thank goodnesss I managed to get mobile reception that night.
Holy Spirit Night: Prayed for many people(probably the first time ever I felt a bit confident in praying for other people)also got Pastor Josh to pray for me too. Laughed out so hard when he said to me: "Yi Ning, you are too busy. " That was so true... and I was laughing because what he said was so true when he didn't even know me. He pointed out my spiritual problem of not speaking to God enough and advised me to constantly thank God. Have been trying my best to do it since then... really helps. less fear and more confidence in Him.
Also managed to have good catch up with Michael that night, as well as gave siew yong a reali reali big hug.^^
Coming back: had a very very high quality d&m chat with danielle on the bus, regarding med, mission, future plans, and Shanghainese parents. Very comforted by danielle's advices and encouragement. Thanks Danielle!! You have always been such an awesome sister to me.

the day after
Worked, and then Michael called me about Tiff's coming to box hill in the arvo. Realised I indeed had a gap btw clients that arvo, so met up with Tiff and Michael. Talked about camp, church, as well as had a quality serious BGR discussion. Very enjoyable.

Med trip
finally caught up with a few of the ppls I haven't seen in a while. Was quite happy to see Lu joining us on the trip, more old box hill catch up.
Food: helped Jia Jia cooking some shanghainese food on some of the days. Alena also on the trip, so yeh... GO! Shanghainese!!! Lots of nice food were made by the reali wonderful chefs there(ie. jj, alena, irene, dora etc). I myself tried to eat as much as i could... in fear that my immune system would be down if I dun eat enuf and i mite get sick again.
Sleep: on the same bed with Lu, had really good catch up. Took a sleeping pill the last nite(or the last morning?)in fear that if I dun sleep enough i would get sick and not be able to go to sally's party.
Dance: attempted.. to dance with everyone else on chao's party nite. also learnt a bit of rumba from Lu, still very much wanting to learn proper dancing but no time.
Alcohol: i am always fascinated by cocktail mixing... but I dun like to drink. Learnt a bit of baileys + butterscotch mixing from Lu(again!^^) tried to do a vodka + cordial mix with alison, failed to get the layers of colour, but still fun. and handshake to wei who also likes to mix cocktail but doesn't like to drink.
Gamble(joking): watched guys playing poker... finally understood a bit now. Saw a persistent match between ken and wei that went on forever... while eating fried stick dipped in soy sauce at the same time, with bei. Yum.
D&M: D&Med a bit with Lu each nite, then on the last nite when everyone was still around the table, joined a conversation btw ken and wei abt Christian stuff. Found out with delight that both of them reali wanted to do mission work in the future as well. Tiffany later also joined... 4 of us then moved on to have a heated discussion about tithing. hmmm...
After that... d&med more with wan, wei and lu about various spiritual issues: dealing with parents with differnt faith, the science of Jesus walking on water, reliability of the bible etc. had to take sleeping pill after that to grab some quality sleep.
Thanks to all who listened and d&med. Greating brain exercise and great bonding time.
Shoe hunt: Was having breakfast that morning and got a bit suspicious of the packets of mi goreng outside a full box. Then when people started looking for shoe.. realised something must be within the mi goreng box... so yes found tiff's shoe there. When i explained my pathetic method of deduction to get the shoe... heard someone saying: She can be a detective!
Because of that comment I was excited for a whole afternoon. Thanks to whoever randomly said it.
Other randomness: one day woke up to brush teeth, saw traces of blood with mucus in the sink. First impression: SOMEONE IS COUGHING/VOMITING BLOOD! Thinking back: Jeremy used the sink before. NO! JEREMY MUST BE COUGHING/VOMITING BLOOD! Rushed out to check... but realised he only had a bleeding nose.

Sally's party
Same night when we came back from the trip, went to good friend Sally's 21st party. Big thanx to Jeremy who gave me so many lifts to and fro...
Actually made a speech, which went quite alrite, even though I felt very unprepared. But the joyful thing was that this was actually the first time I saw sally after she came back from Canada. Also found out the joyful news that sally and dave are engaged! You lucky ppl! Congrats!
The cake looked very stylish too. Also caught up with lovely mentor Mary on the night.

Alison's party
The next night. Thanks for finding such a nice place Alison. Food was delightful!Had a very nice Japanese bento. Thanks again Alison! Had good catch up with maxine, took more fotos, had lots of good laughs from speech and also other random stuff. Saw this interesting japanese drink called Ramune Peach... very cute bottle. Saw Siew Yong and Lu as well and 2 groups merged for a while. Ended up feeling a bit sentimental at the end of the night, gave hugs to people I won't be able to see in a while...>_<

First Aid Course
I literal only read the book one day before the course...
But no, still managed to pass the assessment. Had the course with a very interesting group, talked about various different scenarios, and had a good laugh at some of those. So didn't feel bored which was good.
When practising CPR on the plastic models. I realised my arms were much stronger than 3 years ago, and I could breath much deeper. 3 years ago when I first did First Aid course... one round of CPR and EAR could send myself hyperventilating on the floor.
Very glad of the change.

Committee meeting
Was pretty scared what mum would think of a weekly meeting at the pastor's house. Prayed myself the whole day and also asked others to pray for me, so asked mum whether I could go to the meeting only after i finished work at 8, in case she changed her mind. To my surprise she didn't complain... but just allowed me to go.
Can hear myself breathing out deep after she said that...
Thanks to Lingli for your comforting words, and your prayers.

Last days at work
Gave some little presents to some of my favourite clients. One was an elderly couple.. and the old lady had always been so kind to me and treated me almost like a granddaughter. When I was about to leave she told me that she wished that she could still see me at work one day when I become a doctor. >.<(Had to choke back tears at that moment) I gave her a little handcraft vase made out of plastic beads.
When I tell clients I won't be working when semester starts, my favourite line so far has been: I am going back to study...in Bendigo.
It makes me feel very un-ESL, very country-bumpkin, and very good.

I just would like to give thanks to the Lord for His gift of the wonderful two weeks of experiences He had blessed me with. Although it may have been tiring yet I remained healthy and energetic enough to do all I needed to do, without His grace this is something impossible for me. I would like to thank Him to all the great times I had, all the love I received from friends, and I hope He had used me during this time to encourage and touch other people's hearts too.

and Respect...

Good old Eaglewood Dust, I haven't forgotten about u. When I face the reality that I still need English to survive... I am coming back to you. *hearts flying around*
Anyway, on a joyful note, since last month or so I have been into the habit of memorising Bible verses. Now there is a handful of them rooted in my brain... which I can pull out and quote without needing to flip through the Bible like mad when I reali need them.
Still can do better but I am quite happy about it so far. I always had the excuse that I am bad at memory work... and that if the occasional remembering of medical knowledge already proved an extremely unwelcoming chore, I avoided Scripture Memory all together. (Just in case I find it so hard that I would even lose enthusiasm to read the Bible)
But when the Lord touched my heart and I started remembering them... the joy is great. And I even gain sum confidence that---the remembering medical stuff... would not be so TERRIBLE... either.
A beautiful verse these days I always keep to heart is:
But in your heart set apart Christ as Lord. Always be prepared to give an answer to everyone who askes you to give a reason for the hope that you have. But do this with gentleness and respect. 1 Peter 3:15
And the difficult part is: RESPECT. majority won't have a problem with gentleness... after all everyone knows how to pull off a sheepish smile to a degree...
but respect... hum... no respect does not equal politeness.
most evangelism effort that you can see around you involves a smiling and try-hard "sweet and caring" Christian telling of the doctrine with a condescending "love" that we are the absolute TRUTH, and by telling u this we pouring our love out to you.
Well, a good thing to tell the TRUTH. But what about the respect?
If you put a blind person in a beautiful park and tells him/her: this is the most fantastic spot in the world and that even though you can't see, the truth is its beautiful---
Is such a "truth" truth?
without respect.. sometimes even TRUTH can be made foul by human efforts.
How can we say "God is the answer to everything!We know He will work for you!" to someone and expect a response, without even wanting to spend the time, and reali getting to know the person, know the situation?
Its like we want a blind person in the park to admit its beautiful scenery, but are not bothered(or even thought of)sitting down and explaining everything we see to the person so they can figure the whole scene out in the head.
in more atrocious cases we don't even realise that the person is blind at all, but just forcing them to sit there and ENJOY.
Respect... the essential basics in any friendship or relationship... funny how many Christians simply don't have that when it comes to doing the most important job for the Lord...
and a scary thought to think back to my own "efforts"... that not long ago I was in the same league as the ones I have mentioned, without even an awareness that respect has to come in when I do God's work...
May the Lord forgive me.
We Christians are also still learning to see. The more we see the more we can understand and respect.
Do take time to let the Lord prepare you before you do work for Him. And the preparation is daily, always.

A blog post of laughter material

last nite after 10 stopped talking with ppl on msn and all resolved to do sum thesis writing... but no... a lil forward from alice ruined it all... >_< Its a forward of pictures of bad english from fob countries. lol so spent a whole hr around midnite last nite looking thru the whole website of engrish pictures... and laughing till my stomach hurted...(was still hurting 2day when i woke up)
and went to koorong today after work, initiated from this interesting promise i made to God a week ago. well last week or so I was struck down with a very bad sinus problem... voice completely gone and it became apparent that i was being silly for holding up and not seeing a doctor. and my very reason for not seeing a doctor was that: I was still in the process of applying a Health care card after stupid centrelink ppl accidentally cancelled it... >_<
if u r rich and dun noe wat a health care card can do...lol well it lets u get more than 50% discount on medication, and also concession on transport too...
so yes my reason for doctorphobia was in fact being cheap and not wanting to pay 13 bucks or so for miserable antibiotics, which, unlike food, could not make me happy. lol

well then came my lil promise to God one nite praying out of sickness: Lord if u let me free from seeing a doctor... I will buy Wild at Heart for you to give to a friend to read... with the antibiotics money...
yes it is a sad and faithless prayer... but the Lord answered that. a pastor with healing gifts arrived at yth grp when i was in the most sick and prostrate state... and on the next day miraculous started to feel better. so a week later, was going to Koorong to get the book.

and i think i better explain wat is "Wild at Heart"
maybe the tagline under that title is self-explanatory: Discovering the Secret of a Man's Soul.
yes, as in proper male "man", not "man" meaning overall mankind.
How did I come across reading this book? while was doing library catalogue for youth group and this book jumped to my eye so I grabbed it and read...
yes i am this desperate and read a book about men...
but yes it did keep me entertained and gave me some inspirations too(although i think they were intended for "men"...*sweat*)such as finding courage because our Lord is also a courageous warrior... very powerful words for sumone like me who have no courage at all.>_<
and as i read... realised this book is so good for a friend who usually can get offended by Christian stuff... cos it just spoke from down-to-earth and appealed to basic human courage and passion.
but for quite a while still wasn't sure enuf whether i could be bothered to spend this money on a book about "men"... and especially buy it not for myself at all, but for this friend(or friends) to read...
but yes fear of the antibiotics expense prompted me to make this promise to God.lol

and here it was, in koorong, price just the amount I would have to spend on antibiotics.
and while in koorong bought another book, which also kind of jumped to my eye and yelled at me to grab it...
and this one has an even better title and tagline:
Loves Me, Loves Me Not
The Ethics of Unrequitted Love
lol... reading thru it after i got home... so brilliant and honest... was laughing as much as what i did for engrish last nite...

2 of the brilliant questions asked by the book and answered:
What are the appropraite reasons for turning down romantic advances from someone? Is it appropriate to reject a person because I am afraid? Because the person does not measure up to a list of qualification I have developed? Because I am not attracted to that person's appearance? Do I ever need a reason?

If I have been rejected? am I obligated to get over my attraction to the person who rejected me? Is it neurotic to keep loving someone who has turned me down?

nice yeh? how many books actually talk abt such things?

and my favourite pic from engrish:

YN's dream adventure

last nite had a reali vivid dream... one of those that is not reali too random... do make some sense... and is still very clear after i wake up.
the dream started with me having a fight with maxine... and then having a fight with chris... (if you don't know them well they are like 2 of the nicest ppl i noe), and they r not reali like fights about serious issues, more like primary school kiddish fights. now what does that mean? me harbouring deep dissatisfaction about these two? ehhh... i thought hard about that after i woke up... but still found nothing wrong about them...
so you noe these two plz dun tell them about my dream... if they reali want to have a fight with me, I am no match in physical strength or verbal skills... (lol yes even with these two)
then the dream progress for a while and it seems wan's birthday is coming up, then i found out that i couldn't go to wan's party so thus a hectic attempt to change my schedules around... now what does this mean? maybe because our next big bday candidate once played the role of wan in a video for alison. lol
and then i ended up in a different space and time. where and when? ancient china the era of the 3 kingdoms. In fact a few friends were with me too... except i can't remember who they are... but yeh we were like courtiers and advisers to some warlords.. who wants to attack the other army. I think i suggested using fire to attack... and the warlord agreed, so we shoot fire arrows to attack the other army, but then a reali strong wind blew, and the fire kind of spread to our camp as well... >_<
but it wasn't scary... almost comical...
hence i woke up.
because I went to the 3 kingdoms in my dream and played a "smart" adviser, when i woke up I was happy.
I think the 3 kingdom component of the dream reali came from my recent obsession with The Ravage of Times, as well as Tank's new song "Love of the 3 Kingdoms".
Speaking of Tank, he is my latest fob singer obsession. he can compose and write and sing well and has his unique style. and he is a Christian! ^^ he dedicated the first song in his first album to the Lord... so cool^^ and the whole album has this reali positive and genuine attitude... just reminds ppl how great it is to worship the Lord with ur talents.
lyrics of Love of the 3 Kingdoms
?三國戀
詞曲：Tank　演唱：Tank

將軍 北方倉糧佔據 六馬十二兵 等待你光臨
胡琴 訴說英勇事跡 敗軍向南遠北方離
家鄉 在那美的遠方 期望在身上 夢想在流浪
肩上 剩下的能量 還能撐到什麼地方

等待良人歸來那一刻 眼淚為你唱歌
在我離你遠去哪一天 藍色的雨下在我眼前
驕傲的淚不敢棄守我眼睛

在我離你遠去哪一天 灰色的夢睡在我身邊
我早就該習慣沒有你的夜 勇敢的面對

赤壁烽火連天戰役 隻挂掉我們 七萬個兄弟
長江水面寫日記 願你也能看見漣漪
家鄉 在那美的遠方 淚水背著光 安靜而悲傷
肩上 剩下的能量 還能撐到什麼地方

等待良人歸來那一刻 眼淚為你唱歌
在我離你遠去哪一天 藍色的雨下在我眼前
驕傲的淚不敢棄守我眼睛

在我離你遠去哪一天 灰色的夢睡在我身邊
我早就該習慣沒有你的夜 勇敢的面對
我試著面對 灰色的夜 還在眼前

等待良人歸來那一刻 眼淚為你唱歌
在我離你遠去哪一天 藍色的雨下在我眼前
驕傲的淚不敢棄守我眼睛

在我離你遠去哪一天 藍色的夢睡在我身邊
我早就該習慣沒有你的夜 勇敢的面對

PS. while writing this blog i saw andy's blog.. he blogged about his dream as well! lol a wonderful horror story.. maybe the weather reali makes u having vivid dreams. lol

Just realised...

Just realised this arvo... when sally complained to me that i din approve her comment... that i actually turned on moderation of comments on this blog without myself realising wat does it do...
so for quite some months, if i dun approve comments, they won't show up...
sori if there r actually still ppl reading this.. and for those who commented.. sori i din mean to block ur comments...
*sweat*
i am reali not that blog literate...
anyway.. moderation of comments is off now^^
in case i forgot how to check them again.. lol

Life is strangely so...

Well... after a prolonged obsessive bout of Chinese writing, I am now finding some comfort in expressing myself again with English.
I find English and Chinese constantly at struggle within me... like a Type A personality married couple dwelling inside my brain, english and chinese usually co-operate well together and one cannot do without the other... yet at the same time, they do fight for household dominance...
chinese has its way most of the time, but English snatches at opportunities to take authority over for certain periods and does not give expression to Chinese at all.
I still remember the whole of Yr 12 when I forced myself not to read any Chinese books, to improve my pidgin-English to some presentable level... yes English novels and papers were enjoyable as I slowly began to understand all its beauty and nuances... only that as soon as the English exam finished, heartless me swept all English things to a corner and immersed myself in chinese books... hoping that english would never come to haunt me again...
Unfortunately in the meantime... english and chinese got married... and its hard for them to file a divorce... so english now has its own permanent spot in the household... perhaps doing more good with chinese than either of them on their own.
Was thinking about making my msn space bilingual but then decided against it... after all i am not posting ECC Bilingual congregation newsletter... and it feels too much of a try-hard... showing off english in front of chinese reading ppl? showing off chinese in front of english reading ppl? that would be really sad to say the least...
as I was at work these 2 days... kept on reflecting so many things... things that happened to me.. things that happened to other ppl...
then I concluded that there are so many things in life, as we experience them... turn out to be so non-conventional... so anti-cliche(but sometimes a completely dramatic cliche is also an anti-cliche)... so beyond imagination...
suddenly the following words jumped into my head:
Life is strangely so...
Life is interestingly so...
then i realised here are some English words I cannot put in equivalent Chinese without losing some of its meanings...
and hence this blog post.
Dear Lord, I find that You really do have a brilliant sense of humour as You lovingly plan out many aspects of our lives. Help us to develope a sense of humour too as we look at our lives. Help us to see your humorous planning as you intend them to be, and not to see them as pain, frustration and misery.

Addiction

one thing i pride about myself is that i hardly ever feel bored.
there always seem to be so many things out there i can enjoy.
unfortunately today i realised that i am indeed feeling bored, and the reason for my newly-acquired boredom is an addiction.
I am addicted to reading friends' blogs.
took me a while to realise this... b4, i do update my chinese blog frequently to comment on novels and tv series, and to keep in touch with net friends from china. and i do also like reading blogs SOMETIMES....BUT NOW...
every since knowing that bei, jj and jeremy all have blogs, my enthusiasm for blogs has, for some reason, skyrocketed. the first thing i do every day i go into my office is to do a very thorough, very complete blog scan of all friends... and then leave comments not b/c i feel touched or inspired, just out of habit...
well so today during 1 hr lunch, after finishing scanning all friends' blogs, i suddenly found myself so bored... wat can i do next?
this is indeed very pathetic... and i should have realised my addiction ages ago...
at the start of last wk when i learnt that irene deleted her blog.. my feeling of disappointment became reali exaggerated... but then she restarted her blog so i was all happy again.
not to mention that last wk i was trying to persuade wei and ff to do blogs as well... and the fact that ken also started a blog last friday din help me to overcome my addiction either...

yes will focus myself on AMS more to overcome my addiction. and in office spare time wil watch more anime or visit friends, hoping they can be effective distractions.
LOL

Shanghainese "gayness"

well... after 2 wks of being sick and having my lifestyle largely limited, finally i am feeling better and can again function normally (except a still strange voice with which i can scare ppl saying i have bird flu ^0^).
and today still went to hospital to draw in regions of tumour for 10 or so patients. (at the same time went through 1 novel, 2 authors' blogs... and a complete blog scan of all friends) so yes had myself moderately productive, but 100% entertained in my quiet, air-conditioned, personal office... the peace I find is a reali big blessing.
and suddenly remembered something very interesting from my last visit to Shanghai. When i was sitting on a bus one late afternoon, 2 little year 7 boys were standin beside me having a very intimate conversation.
it was approaching christmas so I soon realised they were talking about Christmas presents. after they asked each other about what did they buy for teachers, they started to talk about the Christmas cards they gave to friends. then one of them said with a big sweet grin on his face, while nudging his friend:
"i dun give cards to girls! i gave every single guy in the class a card, but only with you card i attached this 1 RMB worth little trinket...
on hearing that the other boy had a bigger sweeter grin on his face, reali reali excited about his 1 RMB specialness to his friend...
then the 2 giggled in the most intimate fashion...
very innocent, very cute, very sweet, and very gay.
I had since entertained myself with the thought of how gay these boys may turn out when they grow up.
after all year 7 means 12 or 13... stil a child but old enough to want to try out a less girly way of displaying friendship.

words by Saitou Hajime

Re-reading Rurouni Kenshin and really having a good time looking at Saitou-sama.
Found some reali brilliant Saitou quotes... since they r in English i guess they suit better on the English blog.

1. Humans are weak against terrorism and violence, and under such control their only desire is to survive no matter what. They lose all pride and respect.

2. Ten years, they're only two little words, but those years were very long to live through.

3. You tame a dog with food, and you can raise a man with money. But no one can tame a wolf of Mibu.

4. Only one thing stirs my emotion. Aku. Soku. Zan. For the sake of my justice alone!

5. "A man who cannot uphold his beliefs is pathetic in this world or the next."

6. Do not get angry... Few have the strength to risk death for the pride and respect that humans deserve. Because you do not need pride or respect just to stay alive…

and its quite weird that after i read quote no. 6 i went out of my office and saw this old lady on wheelchair wanting to go into the disabled bathroom. The volunteer taking care of her was a gentleman so he was at his wits end... as soon as he saw me he grabbed me and asked me to take the lady into the bathroom... As i was lacking in any proper care training I had a terrible time even pushing the wheelchair beyond the door... after wheeling the chair in, the lady, the volunteer and the receptionists outside the door all insist i stay in the bathroom with the lady, looking over her going to the toilet...
then quote no. 6 just jumped into my head and I felt rather sorry for the old lady who had to have me looking over her going to toilet. sometimes old age reali means u not only lose ur privacy, but ur pride and respect as well... As one declines in the aging process, its just a continuous lowering of ur living standard till all u care is to stay alive.
as i wheel her out because i was too distressed about handling the wheelchair... I din even remember to let her wash her hands. Pathetic, reali pathetic.. just because she is old she has to be so poorly cared by someone irresponsible like me..
Saitou-sama was right... few have the strength to fight for pride and respect although we all love to say we can fight for it... if reali sooner or later we r going to lose it all.. wats the point now valuing pride and other people's respect so much, even to the point of getting depressed over the lack of it?

Back

Ah, its a pleasant feeling to be back.
but to be honest i dun seem to have anything interesting to say about my trip... it is also my home and i dun go sightseeing or get excited about anything i see.
bought quite a number of jap series, as well as "yi dao", the story of this korean doctor...
so if anyone wants to borrow any please ask me.