In My Case

today i realised there are some super awesome Christian bosses out there~
hearing them giving their spills on faith and psychiatry just makes me go hearts and flowers (and laugh too) and want to drop everything i do and go and stand in the snow somewhere (chinese allusion-sorry, can't help it~ XD)
but i should be confident... though there is really no snow around here, there will be many future opportunities... to hear and learn from their wisdoms.

my fav psychologist has been also active lately and posting lots. You can read his works here (sorry its all chinese and you do need a weibo account). just loved his take on antisocial PD~
i've been having a little dream inside me that one day i can do a diligent weibo or blog like his, filled with writings so professionally insightful, but at the same time so down to earth and accessible by everyone.

once in a while one also runs into unexpected meaningful words...
....ones you dont need to go to a shrink to access.
Thank God too for those words.

This year two of Miyuki Miyabe's novels struck a special cord in me.
From Nameless Poison:

If you want to know the names of the poisons of this world, you will have to find out yourself.
Unless you had really bad luck, and the poison even eroded you.
Living in this world, we are used to avoiding thoughts about poisons. If you want a peaceful troubleless life, that's probably the only way to do it.
But if we are only asking the questions standing where we are, we will never find a satisfactory explanation for such poisons.
No one will tell us where they came from, from what did they arise, and how did they spread.
And no one will tell us how to guard ourselves against them.
...just a little bit too full-on maybe~ :(

If Nameless Poison is still more for the shrink...
Then Somebody?----
---is for everybody.

I still go back to that most comforting line of all time.

But you will find happiness. Though relentlessly pursued by people, or things, and you hid yourself under the table screaming, sooner or later, you will have to crawl out from there.

Once you are out, the world is still here.

I remembered the distant past, the far recent, and my wishful thinking from the recent recent, of my morbid fears, of my desire to flee from most things, of my uncomfortable expectations of life (immature or not)...
the past issues above have all now eventuated in some ways though not yet with resolutions.
but they no longer have such mastery over me anymore.
despite the fact that i am still so abound in nervous energy about the impending doom, and can only expect the next 2 months to be worse and not better.
but I have CRAWLED OUT.
and no, I don't have to give up my imaginary friends in that process.
never expected that day to come for me.

and only now I know His presence was with me as much when I kicked and screamed under that table (for years maybe), as when He, as a good CBT therapist, stopped reassuring when it was time to reduce the pathological reassurance seeking.
Then, nothing of the external environment changed, and not really sensing God onsite or oncall under that table, with spiderwebs on head and dust in the eye, and sneezing and coughing and cursing and wailing and wiping snot on face and fingers... I crawled out myself.

Not a pretty picture, but I suspected... maybe I am the only one who's so embarrassed of myself by all that.
Nobody else was really looking.
and i am slowly beginning to think that He is very much in this process too of my life, as much as when i was in a more appropriately dependent, contained and uplifting form.
and He who knows me from the beginning is not ashamed of me, or whatever emotional equivalent of my snot.
He who carried me, also enables me.

despite the process being painful reassurance reduction and i had to do the crawling myself, i was never alone.
fav psych's weibo, Miyuki Miyabe, Masha's radio shows, Gintama, people who left long comments on my old stories, countertrasferences from seeing parents during child and adolescent psych + smart and lovely consultant whos so understanding of such countertransferences (while happily slurping on her 2min noodles), girly magazines from 2009 with Hitomi Kuroki's beautiful essays (and gorgeous dresses), coke, diet coke, coke zero, more coke... (ok better stop before i start to sound pathological~)

and my psychotherapist, who revealed to me how much my personal life can impact on the professional, who persisted and wanted to see the breakthrough in me... despite my lack of motivation and passive resistance and reluctance for disclosure... that went on for what seemed like forever.
and I have not mentioned that i got all this for free, completely undeserving.

Arigatou, mina-san.
and to God who crafted every person, word, occurence (and bottle of coke too) over the past few months, for them to come from different ends but all somewhat strangely end up vibrating on the same wavelength, to bring me to this point.

Words are the strongest friend for a fragile heart, as Hitomi Kuroki gently spoke. Going back to her beautiful essay "In My Case", I think I now finally undestand a bit of the weight of her words when she asked herself:
"Can I give myself a word of praise?"

to answer this question, in my case:
"All Yours, Lord."

stories

nameless poison
its not quite end of the year yet, but i've really been itching to say that the best thing of 2013 has been this book. (~its chinese version)
http://www.booksfromjapan.jp/publications/item/686-nameless-poison
maybe just with a tiny bit of melodrama, i think it has taught me more about psychiatry and the human condition than all of my exam studies put together. (looking back i really havent studied that adequately but thats quite beside the point. )
i have never before seen the concept of normal vs abnormal, or the essential lack of difference at their roots, being put in such straighforward but eloquent ways.
to the point it really challenged my own internal boundaries.

end of the day it was probably my own fault. when stuck in china i read two books around the same time: this one and another-
http://books.google.com.au/books/about/Soulstealers.html
They were both so powerful in their own ways, and became a deadly combination. on top of family stresses for a while literally i felt hundred years of human poison crushing down on me and wondered there must be something terribly wrong with me or this world or both...
everything became much clearer when what i have learnt were able to seep through at work. now at the other end of the tunnel (hopefully), what i managed to take away from it all, has been priceless.

legs
some of the familiar chinese tales i've read as a child now give me very uncomfortable feelings. i guess traditional chinese culture rarely showed any respect to individual emotions, and i am finding this aspect much harder to tolerate now.

there is a story about this man who found a rare jade stone, travelled to the capital and dedicated it to the king. The king thought it was a fake, got angry and chopped off the man's left leg. History repeated itself when the old king died and the man tried his luck with the new king and this time paid his price with the right leg.

with his legs gone but arms still holding tightly onto the stone, the man cried his eyes out, sat facing a mountain near his home. He came to authority attention when his tears turned into blood, and was then offered an opportunity to vent his grievances. there was a newer king on the throne now so he was summoned back, Expert jade masons extracted really precious jade from the stone which then became the national treasure. the end.

it aggravates me, where different versions of the story invariably ended.
i can't get over the legs, sorry.  i wonder if he needed happy pills for the rest of his life.

the last child
i decided to use up the last few days of my leave (before they get grabbed by anyone else or any other demands) so i can force myself to do some writing. i recently realised that there are still people reading my old stories. i felt quite stoked.

in fact if i am not slowly back on track and feeling more prepared to do this new one, i probably would not have the capacity to return and respond to whats happening with the old. over the years they have somewhat took on symbolic significance to remind me of stages of my own life, but otherwise, i think i have treated them almost like abandoned children.
because of the birth pains i wanted little attachment with them or hoped to not care about their progress after they came into being. 

i've never been comfortable tellling people specifics about them either. i dont know if its just projected rejection anxiety or it has been my way of keeping my east and west separate, my real and imaginary worlds separate.
or it is simply: *i-really-cannot-tolerate-thinking-what-other-people-could-potentially-think-of-me-after-they-see-this-ahhhhh....*
but i need to move ahead with the new. i will need to eventually get very comfortable of east mingling with west, and real mingling with imaginary.
and the psychological barriers too.

so, my favourite out of all my abandoned children (the others are closeby):
http://www.jjwxc.net/onebook.php?novelid=1387382
i guess there is a place even for a prodigal parent coming back.

Thank God you dears are back ~~~>_<~~~~

having one's imaginary friends back makes life much more liveable.

I don't know... for quite some time I have been internally feeling a bit like this, that almost everything and even small things can hit me hard: (sorry shinpachi~ lol)

I don't quite remember when I lost them... was it just too much real life worries taking over a few months ago, or did I subconsciously kick them out myself: exams... need priorities right... inappropriate and no time for you... out~

and no... the imaginary friends don't automatically come back to me once exam is over and other stresses subside. I guess different to writing fanfics... this time this group of ppl don't reside externally elsewhere and are much more difficult to retrieve once there are relationship breakdowns... *sob*

now... my feet are back on familiar ground. I've got my backbone back, and hopefully, less acopia in the real world too.
think a few days of watching gintama really helped...XD just reminded me how awesome a disturbingly random imaginary world can be...
but... they are another person's imaginary friends~
no matter how great they are to me, I still need my own imaginary friends.

so, don't be angry with me. Lets walk.

the death song...and unwinding plan

I will lift up mine eyes unto the mountains: from whence shall my help come?
My help cometh from the Lord, who made heaven and earth.
He will not suffer thy foot to be moved; He that keepeth thee will not slumber.
Behold, He that keepeth Israel doth neither slumber nor sleep.
the Lord is thy keeper; the Lord is thy shade upon thy right hand.
The sun shall not smite thee by day, nor the moon by night.
the Lord shall keep thee from all evil; He shall keep thy soul.
the Lord shall guard thy going out and thy coming in, from this time forth and for ever.

yesterday i heard Psalm 121 being read at a funeral. it reminded me of my favourite story, as well as much of the here and now. a colleague suddenly passed away, and the funeral was Jewish. Hearing the very familiar death song at a rather unfamiliar setting was really a bit too much for me. it caught me off guard, and i struggled hard to fight back tears.

...then the rabbi moved on to Psalm 130 which made it even worse. despite not sniffling away internally i felt rather out of control and just wished i could crawl away quickly from the scene to some dark corner to process my own emotions... (how inappropriate) -__-||||

i've been doing the freudian slip multiple times and wanting to call it a Jewish wedding, and i was not the only one. deep down we felt strongly we should have been invited to a wedding and not a funeral. in a somewhat more disturbing sense, i regretted that there wasnt a chance for me to speak ignorantly out of my gentile xenophobia, an opportunity to gossip excitedly to others that i went to a Jewish something and "did you know they read the Psalms too and its the same Psalms as our Psalms?"
(how more inappropriate)

----------------------------------------------
marissa and kim strongly felt i need to address my despondency and really should make an effort to celebrate my passing of exam instead of the current pitiable state of going straight from one stressor to the next.

thank you 前辈们~ i really value your professional opinions... (and have taken them on board)

i've thought about what i want and would consider a celebration:

1. away from helicopter parents (getting away in an amicable way too)
2. stress-free socialisations
3. give me a day of no commitments whatsoever... but instead able to curl myself into a ball on the couch for the day, accompanied by unlimited champagne (the alcohol free type.. how sad), ice cream, and... Gintama.

i think that will make me alright.

"Did you have a good break?"

leave (at least the SH bit) was so emotionally exhausting... to the point i feel so greatly comforted to be back at work.

giving professionally appropriate answers when people ask me how my leave went,  is prob the only difficult part. 

i must confess... i was nowhere close to 100% before i went off so it really isnt all its fault.

it just sapped me more, and my psychogenic polydipisia got worse (which...kind of made sense). its pathetic to admit these days i still take my stress out on large quantities of coke...(yes and i am still in need of an eye-opener in the morning... -__-|||)
but... i just stocked up on ice cream today... the morning coke habit may potentially shift.

221B

they've recently opened this sherlock holmes themed cafe/bar in SH. i was intrigued. at least i thought i should go and have a look.

well, i did go and look. the familiar looking door numbered 221B was enough to make me excited. with a reverent heart, i took a photo.

the reverent feeling sadly didnt last long. through the glassy bits on that very door, this frustrated looking SHnese lady behind the bar was staring at me angrily... for perhaps me entertaining myself with her property and not really contributing to her business...

i took one look at her, and fled.

soy sauce colesaw

direct flights to and fro SH are usually horrendous... (with warm fruits and juices and soft drinks which i am used to) it just got more ridiculous this time...

the salad bowl had a layer of colesaw... with two pieces of SHnese deep fried fish soaked in sweet soy sauce on top of it.

the fish was tolerable... given i was native, but fish flavoured sweet soy sauce tinted colesaw was still too much for anybody to cope with...

seriously why would anybody in a right state of mind think making soy sauce colesaw for international flights is ok behaviour...?

results

i've been having vivid nightmares about results.

and i've been drafting in my mind what to say in individual smses to friends if i fail -__-||| (...and am finding it really hard! its been many days, still haven't figured out what really to say).

in the past i've also been really bad as a rule in comforting others about unhappy results. it often reaches a point that the other party feels obligated to comfort me instead: hey i am actually ok... *pat pat*(maybe in between the lines: not even your results, stop looking so distressed and pathetic! 囧)

how would i like to be consoled by others when i get unhappy results? good question. i don't really know that either. >.<

(...this is all very embarrassing... so shhhhhh.....)

masha again

i am still going through Masha's old files... lol now and then so amazed by how he can be so psychologically minded and insightful without any psych training... *in awe*

the comments he made about Zankyo made me cry a little. it happens to be translated in english...
http://mashaheart.net/2009/07/03/ann-tamashii-no-radio-zankyo/

i really like these 2 bits too. They need to be read together.
"words of weakness"
"after 30"

the bit about the pig and the bear is soooo... cute. awww.... :(
"childhood memories"

At the hill a moon shines tonight

the tomorrow of tomorrows

Got the email that it has been delayed till next year.

I felt funny, in fact I still don't know what to feel or think. for four months it has mobilized and consumed whatever faculties that is in me and forced myself into a rigid fighting pose, I guess I am really not prepared for this (apparently delay is really common tho), and have no idea how would I fare in another however many more months to come.

strangely I am not agitated as I thought I would be, even with other persistent stressors going on. I can only attribute it to God, thought I don't feel I can happily boast that His peace is in me. the maybe very Godly process of having all aspects of control over your circumstances slowly chipping away for me really is not a pumped crusading journey into the holy land...

it in fact feels very terrible. in a sense I cannot verbalise at all how uneasy I feel, all this while trusting and confirming something entirely external and not of my own is indeed whats holding me firmly in place.

maybe I should sound more uplifting, but I guess I will be honest for now.

dear Masha...and Midori

so this site will prob close down and be no more, together with yahoo blogs...
http://hk.myblog.yahoo.com/dpanhk

I am grieving. it is where the I-finally-found-my-role-model business all started. though Midori-san hasn't been updating for a while and I really have no idea to her whereabouts... it always felt to be a base I could return to.

its prob a good thing. otherwise i dont imagine i would go bk and carefully regurgitate through all the posts (....which is what i've been doing... -__-||||)

new discoveries this time (am sure i will discover more):

"the ideal adult"
"fears"

i think masha has verbalised my fears.
"一寸長的蟲，也有五分的靈魂"
I may want to put this line somewhere in my office.

My fav christian ojisan writers 3

when i am stressed i regress and prefer much more to read chinese than english... in fact i can tune out these days even reading FB updates more than 4-5 lines long... funny i can still write tho.... hmm...

Seriously Funny 2 is prob the only english book i managed to finish over the past few months, not only that, it even made me laugh out loud on a train. i certain hope Adrian Plass and Jeff Lucas can be blessed with longevity so they will produce Seriously Funny 3, 4, 5 etc in the days to come.

The first book was funny enough, but the second one was even funnier... and the two ojisans got a bit more disinhibited with each other, talking about orgies in one chapter and contemplating a communal shower together in another--with their wives and dogs joining in as well (yes it was a decent christian book from a decent christian store)

despite the bad portrayal they are both lovely ojisans...  very honest and insightful, and seriously, very funny. because whatever they have talked about is so relevant for my life, many things hit home. i guess i've read a bit more of Adrian's writing than Jeff's, but recently got to watch a sermon by Jeff during which he said something along the lines of "sometimes i don't want purpose, and i don't want to be driven, i just want life!"

lol.

that was very lovely. looking forward to opportunities to read/hear more.

therapy

well... what needs to be done has been done. when its time to dip again i can dip again. but in the meantime i probably should curtail a bit of my paranoia and ruminations.

after all getting intermittent spontaneous flashbacks regardless of time/place/occasion about what happened in the distant past (followed by a repeated fumbling through the same medical records for the Nth time...)
....is really a less than optimal way to function.

been reading lots of chinese lately. there is this rather odd book with a name that literally translates as "Village South Record of Neglecting Farming" (what the....) half history half gossip. hard to read, but as i need to use my brain for it, strangely calming.
and gossip is still gossip, and fun, no matter how ancient they are. (yah...why were ppl 700 years ago also so gossipy? lol)
there is this hilarious story about a mummified ojisan... -__-|||| apparently, out of altruism for the human race, the ojisan decided to eat nothing but honey and also bathed himself in honey. a few months later he started to urinate honey and then quickly died (well thats diabetes~ not altruism) his body was then dunked in a coffin full of honey and sealed for a hundred years before opening up, and people came from all around to break off bits of his honey-saturated (sure its not ants-saturated? maggots-saturated?) corpse and ate them to heal all kinds of diseases 
(...really?) lol.

anyways.... ewwww......

and i only recently discovered this band... seriously... every single one of their songs is nice.

sequel 2

it has really crossed the line.
I want to vomit blood. I seriously want to vomit blood.
even the fear that I may have failed my exam is paling to this.

I am not your property.

and I am not one of you.


this is however not the first time at the start of a rotation I work myself up to a state of terminal agitation, desiring wholeheartedly to be elsewhere and not here.

but its not terminal isn't it?

I should vomit quietly in a corner, and get on with it.

despite the vomitus of blood and venom, I want to see how God writes the ending of this story.
more so than ever.

PS. there is a deeper issue beyond all this. I fear such confirmatory outcomes to my inappropriate psychoanalyzing/overinterpreting. it is just positive reinforcement of bad behavior, all previous work done to shift it now in vain.

fav stars not doing too well...

(...let me pretend writing blog is some form of a practice for critical essays...)

*cough* with quite a bit of guilt i am going to admit that my fav star/role model/inspiration is really not a great actor... :(
in a way it is a relief to realise that i didnt enjoy Galileo 2 because it was so bad and not because i was too stressed out or depressed a couple of mth ago to the point of anhedonia. (phew)
I think Masha just crumbled... with a bad script, bland charactering, co-stars who were not particularly compatible, and the expectation that he's the one who could salvage it all...
thought i should at least try to appreciate the ending. after all Amami Yuki made guest appearance...
well there wasnt any chemistry at all, between her and Masha.
thats fine, i never thought they had similar vibes or expected them to create much spark anyway...
but watching Masha's face going into some silent tense spasm because there was absolutely no chemistry and he was trying his hardest to squeeze out some ... was just painful...(and hilarious too) -__-|||
*but you are an actor! can't you put on a show???*
~sigh~
i guess Salvation of the Saintly woman was a bad story to start off with...after reading that i stopped reading Keigo Higashino altogther. found it just the author's poor attempt imitating the Devotion of Suspect X, which was really the height of his own achievement...
~sigh more~
well... i should just get over it and let you continue to inspire me in whatever usual ways you inspire...
and you look so comfortably natural in the movie that won some prize at Cannes... playing a dad~~
want to watch that~~~ ^__^

and Lee junki is filming this new series now(not the SH fighting one *cries*)... some lone hero battling time to save his daughter etc... the plot sounded so typically korean it was quite a turn off...
and i really dont think i fan him enough to want to give it a try...
managed to catch a glimpse of photos of him on the set... gosh... even worse.
i think his BMI has gone bk on the elevation trajectory and he had this really thick curvy fringe that made him look like he had no eyes...囧
i will just go back to stare at old pictures. ~~>_<~~~



he's got such beautiful eyes... and seriously looked his best at his simplest...
...with army uniform and short hair and no eye makeup covering up fine lines and no fancy styling whatsoever...
~sigh~
when do i get to see you beautiful like this again? ~~>_<~~~

so the boys are not much to look at these days and i am trying hard to understand stats with minimal gains and everything is a bit miserable at the moment... :(
but thankfully some of my fav gals are in this season's dramas~~ *sniffles* following them wkly and wondering why aren't there more episodes each wk...

Gekiryu~

i like Rena Tanaka and Rie Tomosaka alot.. watching them in the same scene (and playing good friends) can really make me happy.
and really like the way how the two are dressed in the show... quite a few styles i want to try to copy~~ XD
the story reminds me a lot of awakening~ lol i guess with this type of growing up stories... no matter how many i read/watch/or write myself... i just don't get sick of them.

Nameless Poison~

M2!!!! *hearts*
she is 49 now... and still so pretty~~~ *starry eyes*
well she is the main character in the 2nd half of the series... so really just waiting for her to appear~
but it is a dramatisation of Miyuki Miyabe's books... worth watching from the start.
i am fond of one particular line from the novel of the first story:

But you will find happiness. Though relentlessly pursued by people, or things, and you hid yourself under the table screaming, sooner or later, you will have to crawl out from there.
Once you are out, the world is still here.

God enabling, one day i can crawl out.
and i probably wouldnt care how dishevelled and pathetic i will look then.

sequel

ok. let me vent about this in a sensible non-incriminating way. (hopefully... -_-||||)

damocle's sword managed to cause some injuries, but still, I guess I didn't expect to be injured in some of those sites.

it takes some self CBT to convince myself clothes shopping for the coroners court can still be enjoyable.

but thoughts about coroners court are really not the worst part.

I am having much paranoid thoughts about the high ups, and study has been so often interrupted and distracted by such ruminations.

despite thinking i understand their anxiety i still find the overspilling of it intolerable.

the mere thought that some untruth has been glaringly put down as my words after facts were clarified with deliberate effort (plus perhaps with the hope that I will also be scared/anxious enough to not mind such untruth and ok it?) was enough to make my fingers go tingling. (yes I know. I need some midazolam, or acuphase, but I would prefer being acuphased than having to ruminate about this massive external anxiety on top of my own.)

thinking bk to Masha's most inspirational words in such context make me want to slap myself:

"trust" does not equate "understanding". i personally believe, when I trust someone else, the responsibility entirely rests with me. It is I who wanted to trust you--you carry no responsibility. To me there is no such thing as "being betrayed", because I myself wanted and was willing to trust another person. When one starts to think one understands another, the thoughts of "being betrayed" would often arise. The presumption of "I understand you" is often the most frightening, whether it be between friends, colleagues, bf/gf, or family members...

maybe i really have no right to be hyperventilating about all this, i am the one doing this all wrong. sadly once inappropriate psychoanalyzing was done, it could not be easily undone.

well one day at a time.
let me trust that God who is watching over all this unfolding is the same God who blessed me with my college supervisor this rotation and watched over how much i enjoyed the hrly supervision each week with her.

supervisor: so what do you want to do?
me:  i don't know...i am really not happy about this going through...but i mean...i know where they are coming from... i don't know if i can... *panicky verbigeration continued*
supervisor: tell them to change it.

words cannot convey the beauty of the moment. just what i needed. focus right bk on the most important.
you are too wise, too good.
and your jokes can make me laugh for days~ XD
when you are not my supervisor anymore i will miss you bad.

and just as getting a bargain for coroners court clothes during sales is still better than buying it some other time at miserable full price...
if i end up failing my exam because of rumination about this crap... i will feel worse.
so i must try, and trust God.

i want spicy fried food...

...feeling nauseous at the same time. -__-|||||

wkend intense exam prep course while sick is really not fun... >.<

sigh~

anyways needing my dose of ikiteru ikiteku fix...



~baby dinos in the bkgrnd~~ :D

well what can i say

so, Damocles' sword has fallen.

I've been agitated, and workload hasn't been helping. study hasn't been helping either. (but study has been poor anyway so I wont hold it responsible.)

concentration has been an issue. haven't managed to watch any jap drama episodes in past 10 days, not even Galileo-sensei. that's really a red flag.

skipped church today. Irene would have said this is un-me, but no, this is me. i don't cope well in general with upliftingness, esp not now, on the eve of anticipated trauma.

have asked for prayers... but I wondered... whether it was really just to stop people asking qns as I couldn't be bothered talking... -__-|||

when Damocles' sword first went hanging I wrote this.
gosh it made me laugh. maybe in a perverse way, but it made me laugh.

and Stuff in the Basement, with its honesty as always about human misery, still comforts me.

so, lets see how the sequel unfolds shall we?

当我初见你的模样

found something really touching the other day... *sniffles*
http://vimeo.com/214ya

Show Wesugi has turned into an ojisan blob... *cries*
this is like seeing rukawa turning into anzai-sensei... -__-||||| just... tragic.

he used to look like this.... *cry some more*



never mind. ojisan blob or not... still love this song to bits... all these yrs.

a couple of yrs ago i posted this song on FB and then this really wise and mature haem reg told me very excitedly she's also a slamdunk fan~
...didn't expect that~ XD
...we then had this very professionally meaningful chat about our fav characters and teams and teenage crushes etc~ XD

talking about something even more ancient... i periodically fall in love with this song ever since i was ?10?



very good memories. now time to go back to EMQs...

shows

these days some korean dramas freak me out.
they are not just bad, they are so insightless to the point of being freaky. and the serious non-romantic ones are the worst.
i prob get more cortisol surge from watching 10 mins of those than when my aggro pt attempted to spit at me.

it happens in a vicious cycle:
procrastinating - jap drama episodes for the wk not yet out - bored - browsing and seeing a preview with pretty people and nice dresses - ah its so pretty i will just watch one episode and see how it is like - traumatised after 10mins - dissatisfied - going on to hunt for the next atrocious one....

i couldnt help but to be fondly reminiscent of Queen Inhyun's Man.

went back and watched it for the Nth time.
didn't really find the 2 main actors or the time-traveling storyline particularly appealing at the start--
but after just a few episodes, i was completely won over, and the 2 of them became so adorable in my eyes.
and the music was so memorable. It is a pity the best bits didn't get included in the OST.

ah they are so cute~~~

i haven't followed news about lee junki for a while, but apparently he's considering a series set in 1930s SH with lots of fighting involved~ *starry eyes* oh please do take on the role and at least do part of the filming in SH~~~ :D

i guess i much preferred jap dramas from last season than this one, but its always a joy to see Shota Matsuda in a leading role. had an inclination to pay more attention to ojisans hence forgot about him from time to time...XD but... always liked his acting and the shows he picked. last time i saw him was in Don Quixote. Seriously i think its such a gd series that it really should be used as some form of depression prevention.

this guy never gets his hair right in any shows... 囧 but i like him... even in Afro Tanaka~~ LOL

beautiful Masato-sama is getting married this mth! (in case ppl still don't know) i think his face has gone round by at least one size in the last press pic i saw... but its ok. elevated BMIs can be forgiven, if you are now a happy man. ^__^

and lastly... Galileo-sensei...
....why did you have to be so romantically ridiculous in the first episode...? lol germanium in a jewellery box...?! what on earth...
but yes i am won over again, and so happy to see KOH+ back in action. the new song you wrote for kou-chan i think is better than the last one~~ :D

and Masha's latest asashi super dry ad was so good it actually made me want to drink beer~~~ @.@

now that's too much information. i will stop procrastinating and go bk to the books.

old friends...and my fav christian ojisan writers2

look here~
a month or so ago, that psych reg who's such a star to me, has become my college supervisor. pity (really a pity) that she's only doing 10% of the clinical supervision.

I am still happy. as a consultant she's even more of a star to me, esp now that I have her exclusively to myself one hour every week for talking purposes. *all hearts and flowers*

but I am anxious at the same time. she's so smart, and good at what she does. I find her easily one of the brightest psychiatrists around. I want to be good too, and not so clumsy. I hope she's not burdened b/c her registrar is not so bright etc but maybe its unavoidable... :( *sigh*

on a lighter note I met the happy blob of a rehab reg again. look here. though I was CL regging for his ward, b/c he's around (and demanded very little) I still felt like a resident sometimes... sadly,  he never reverted back to a Keanu but is still a happy blob. I think that's...hmm...irreversible. :(
once I heard him in a bonding chat with his current resident and it started off as:
"why are you so pessimistic?"
had a good chuckle to myself in the corner while the bonding was happening. look here.
LOL! its not us! its you!!!

looking bk to old posts reminded me of where this whole fav Christian ojisan writers thing all started. while I was so at home in the role of the gd old pessimistic rehab resident, I met this book:
I'm Fine with God... It's Christians I Can't Stand by Bruce Bickel and Stan Jantz
it has a stick figure video ad... lol I think the book itself is ten times funnier and more insightful than the ad.



The title was so harsh now when I read it I still cringe a bit, but it came during a time when I felt so uncomfortable with myself and my environment and thought unless I lie through my teeth about how I feel and think there was no way for me stay on as a meaningful christian.

out of the apparent harshness, these 2 kind ojisans spoke the kind words of acknowledgement (I still don't understand why is it so hard in our midst).
it was eye opening, and I really think it is redeeming, to see our madness as madness, and our stupidity as stupidity.

and God worked through all that and held a firm grip on the hand that was (almost) going to throw in the towel.  

much has changed about my environment since then, and I have since found many more sources to draw strength from, most much gentler, but this book and its tough humour still have much of my respect. back then I was yet to read Prof Schaap, or Adrian Plass. I've kind of read things by Mark Galli but have forgotten him for a while. I was yet to have those two memorable rotations at work with people's candid words and memorable deeds. and I really couldn't remember much about Masha during that period but I think he was having one bad hairstyle after another then and I wasn't particularly happy with him... -_-|||

it reminds me that even when the important people and things are not around (or arrive a step late), there are still angels.

One day at a time

(almost) bringing tears to my eyes on a brittle oncall day:

http://siouxlander.blogspot.com.au/2013/03/benediction.html

on another note psycho pass finally ended. most acceptible and satisfying finale.

Galileo is back

Galileo 2 is coming in April. there will be a movie too.

looking forward to it, but not that excited~ i realised with a bit of a shock that maybe i just dont love Yukawa-sensei that much anymore. :(

because Masha is so good just as Masha, i would rather watching him do and say things as himself. him playing/acting something/someone else is still good but really not half as exciting as the actual person.  ^_^

but any small goodness will be important, prob just that extra bit necessary to pull me through this difficult rotation.

and new song is so nice~~~ waiting for translated lyrics, and the MV~~~ ^_^

my fav christian ojisan writers... and a bit more

I thought about doing something like this when I was compiling Masha 1-10 last year. after all it really shouldn't be only the gd looking insightful Asian ojisan (XD) and his songs which deserve mentions here~  *giggle*

The Professor's Death Song by James Calvin Schaap

In this life one has many loves at first sight: people, books, dresses etc. This story was one. Like the many other LAFSs, I prob cannot explain why it was so, except that it was the right story for me at the right time. reading it any earlier, i may have been shocked, not coped, and unsympathetic, reading it any later, i may have developed a tolerance to such brokenness and it would have failed to stir much emotion in me.

but it came when it came, during one of the summer wkend cover shift mornings. i was alone in the student computer lab, expecting things to be quiet at least for the first couple of hours, listening to BENI's mou nido to.

In some mysterious ways, it managed to permanently change something for me and my Christian values.

The story was so beautifully written, even to this day I feel i am not able to describe the beauty of it. after all i really have not had enough experiences of life or even lived enough days to even vaguely identify with either the author or the subject matter.
...but end of the day, the weight of human brokenness, painted in full honesty in a sympathetic light- ...is universal,  and all that is needed to stir the soul.

This, however, is not all the story about my appreciation for the professor's story. There is a sequel.

as I obsessively loved the professor story, i kept an eye out for the same author's books. Last year I found Honest to God: Psalms for Scribblers, Scrawlers, and Sketchers and read it with great relish.

The surprise came with the last chapter of the book. It was a different story, but the subject matter was the same--the professor.
also beautifully written, and sympathetic, but in it, the professor was not "the professor" but "the sex offender".

i thought much about the two different stories afterwards, about the nuances in difference, and how differently one felt towards the professor from the two different accounts written by the very same author.

it made me muse at the Lord's timing. I wondered if i read the story of the professor as "the sex offender" first, and then came across The Professor's Death Song, whether I really would be touched by the idea of brokenness to such an extent, realizing the subject matter was the same?
and would i have become a fan of my most fav Christian ojisan writer? if i read what he wrote, in the "right" order?

the musing also came at a most needed time. I have always been a slow warmer, but in recent years bits of my madness came out to play more under the sunlight.
I became scared of people, and there was an increasing sense of acopia, in socialization.

there is too much irony in this madness of mine, but the process of getting to know my fav writer's words and stories was probably the Lord's own comforting words whispering and intervening in this madness:
--that no matter how uncomfortable the cross-sectional can be, I should trust there is a longitudinal for everything, and try my best to stick around for the longitudinal to unfold...
--and more often than not, I would be pleasantly surprised.

There are many more good stories by Prof James Schaap at Stuff in the Basement. Every post is beautiful like a piece of red velvet cake. i know i have been consciously and/or subconsciously attempting to model after his writing style, but maybe its all a bit too much for my ESLness.

I can't be greedy and eat all the cakes, but staring at them behind the counters, is still awesome.

happy birthday Masha

i just realised that i never managed to remember Masha's birthday after internship.

...and am prob somewhat delusional that he's only 41 still. (not that young but still better than reality... he just turned 44...)

------
Its been many years, and its been so good to know that you are much more than mere good looking smart Prof Galileo.

i still relish your words... i remember they really gave me the courage to start working as an intern despite my anxiety and complete lack of enthusiasm for medicine.

and at this moment in time, they are still so relevant to me.
Even more so than 4 years ago.

To be able to pursue a career that you really like, is a very difficult thing.
but if you are strong & persistent,
there will be opportunities for you to find something you really like.
Even if you can't find it, it shouldn't be too far away.
And no matter what kind of job it is, no matter whether it is suitable for you or not,
You can always enjoy your work, and make discoveries in what you do.

i sometimes do wonder what did i do to deserve chancing upon you and realising you are not just a favourite star, but will also do as an awesome role model for me--
-- during a time I most needed such role models.

You know I thank God for all His blessings to me through you.
...and I still want to grow old being an honest and insightful person like you.

Happy birthday.

the here and now

Lord, it is a prayer...

that I could stop thinking
               
stop planning

stop speculating

stop imagining

stop wondering whether or not I will cope 5 hrs from now, 5 days from now, 5 wks from now

Lord, please give me the strength to concentrate on the here and now, and trust you for the next hr, the next day, the next wk, the next month.

Lord, grab hold firm of me. I am not OK, now.

at Etihad Stadium

the wedding reception was at Docklands, friend drove me out of the harbour, and I walked with a cripple on my heels to climb up to the Etihad Stadium, realising with horror that the gate I came out from is firm shut.
security was called, with me panicking on the phone:
"i thought your car park is open 24/7!"
"Go to Gate 4, Gate 4 is open 24/7."
"where is Gate 4?"
"you have to walk around, its almost right opposite Gate 8, either direction distance about the same."
@_@

so at 1115pm i embarked on this lone stroll to circle half of Etihad Stadium from Gate 8 to Gate 4. as i walked with even more of a cripple every step, i thought about Jill Meagher, i thought about the New Delhi bus, and I thought about much more. There is no sight in my brain of the much needed Psalm 23, instead, the evils of 2012 flashed across like a horror movie. The last part of that epic stroll right before I reached Gate 4, just adding to the sensationalism, had a strip of deserted construction site on one side of me, but by then i already got to thoughts of the eastern suburbs bus stop asian pervert and it almost became somewhat of a relief.

after taking the lift down I had to continue the stroll to make my way from Gate 4 back to Gate 8 for the car. I had security putting up all the lights for me and promising to keep an eye on me on his security monitors----but---

I soon realised I was not the only person on that level. As i stumbled ahead to find my car, i could hear loud clanging noises distantly across all the way along. As i approached my car the noise maker showed his face.

A young asian cleaner walked pass, took one nonchalant glance at this hunched dishevelled woman stumbling on heels, who probably looked at him with fear and agitation and whatever fight-or-flight expression on her face---
and in all his coolness turned away quietly to continue his job.

so, i finally made it to my car. Masha's voice singing Saiai rescued me... I felt I was at last safe, back home, and could have a satisfying cry.

the age old question of whether i prefer to be a man and not a woman if i had the choice and hence able to avoid my toilsome life still gets me in moments like this, despite years of conscious/unconscious effort making myself more comfortable with myself. end of the day, this debate is really in the same league of whether i would choose non-existence over existence if i had the choice--
and had nothing to do with identity issues and more to do with me desiring and wishing, more often then not, not to carry my own cross.

let me take a step back and admit that whats been stressing me out was not only night stroll around Etihad Stadium but other things including a recent crisis at work. for some time now i thought i have graduated from the work related emotional dysregulation of my early years, and that i've had enough awesome registrar examples inspiring me to push on for work regardless of internal/external adversities, and that i've gained enough wisdom and experience to prevent significant personal emotions significantly affecting work by intervening and seeking support before they begin to bother...

and i became shocked at the me who was so shaken and fearfully avoidant... and losing almost all my capacity to process and assess and decision make... at a seemingly minimally relevant issue which would make it quite ridiculous even if i recognized and nipped it in the bud and got the second oncall to take my place.

Mark Galli's words was very taken in by me since the start of last year and used with great personal relevance as i spoke proudly of my values and how much i did not care about peoples' praises---
--but only now, it hitted me with the full weight of it.
--and gosh it hurts.

"We are too often tempted to justify our existence on this planet by doing something "significant," by "making a difference in the world," so that we can go to bed at night feeling good about ourselves. But the Christian message is about a God who judges and loves us in our insignificance—that is, when our selfcenteredness has sabotaged our ability to make any fundamentally sound contribution to our lives or to others'. This God speaks to us the frank word that not only do we not make a difference in the world, day to day we threaten to make the world worse by our sin. But in Jesus Christ, he has judged and forgiven us through the Cross, and now he uses even our insignificant efforts to witness to his coming work in Jesus Christ."

Lord stay with me. I have a long way to go, and i don't think i will ever quite get there-
-which I think You know already.

Ikiteru Ikiteku 2013~

The most beautiful thing of 2012 was Ikiteru Ikiteku.

2013 now, still need you.

It's quite unbelievable
When you were a child, though you wished hard, you could not become an adult
Now you are an adult, just with a flutter of your heart
You can become a child again any time

Having lived this long, the answers I got so far
There are many more wrong ones than right
Along the way of making many mistakes
I become an adult

Such a life, full of its good and bad
Is probably helpful to the hard working genes 100 years later
For it to serve this purpose
I continue my life today

Till this day I clearly remembered
All the people I liked but hurted
"Conveying your feelings", "Understanding one another",
Are just as difficult as falling in love itself

My youthful scars and bittersweetness
Hoping they could give some courage
To the genes that would fall in love with others 100 years later
For this purpose, I continue my life today

I am learning to stay strong
Learning from failures and regrets
So I could win this battle against
All the inescapable pains and sadnesses

I once had a very big dream
A dream so absurd and embarrassing
Then I didn't realise when or how
The smaller dreams in the midst of it
All came true without me knowing

That's right, I didn't manage to do it on my own
I hope my genes from 100 or 1000 years ago
Would get praised.
For this purpose, I am living now
With this life, I live everyday
And I live for today as well.