the delusions of being good enough

1.There are meaningful lines even in crappy dramas

I don't think i want to watch Ep 2 of this drama after Ep 1 but...

 

above translates as (i think):
I don't even like myself. What then does that make you who like me?
i think the line really appropriately describes the essence of my current fav topic -- one's lack of love for oneself.
(sorry about bad screen captures~ XD I still find Kyoko Fukada very pretty.)

2.From perfection to being good enough

there is a widely known psychological principle of "being good enough". ie. if you don't hold an unrealistic ideal of perfection but just aiming to be good enough then things usually turn out better and you will be spared of emotional distresses...(something along those lines...)
nowadays though i don't think many people would hold the delusion that they are "perfect" or even be aiming for perfection. in fact, many of us often feel rather comfortable acknowledging our known deficits with good grace and humour.
while we can honestly acknowledge we are really not great in many aspects of life--
there will always, always be certain other areas in which we feel we are good enough--adequate---more than adequate--better than the majority etc.
We take pride in these things, no matter how humble we appear on the surface, or how realistically we think we still fall short of "perfection" in those aspects of life.
and the more "good enough" we think we are, the harder we strive to be better at them, which makes it more the easier to avoid addressing areas where our true deficits lie.
in such situations, we often think we are "doing the right thing".

list a few examples:
- missionary pioneer sensed lifelong calling and did awesome work for the advancement of the word of God in woop woop land while grossly neglected his wife and children his entire life
- poet or artist devoted their energy to the noble sake of art, with their children struggling in perpetual disadvantaged environment of poverty and hunger and disarray
- family (or church ministry) oriented professional setting priorities right and getting complimented for that, while doing the bare minimum at work, unloading responsibilities and projecting anxieties onto colleagues and underlings.
- OCPD work oriented person who believe in "the man is nothing and his work is everything" working extra hard day in day out and gets complimented for that while neglecting the need to have a life (as they are not good at it)
- shrink who thinks the call is to master the skills of observation and analysis of the human condition from a certain safe (aka professional) distance while ignoring the importance of establishing genuine human relationships which is almost entirely a diff skill.

those of you who know me will prob find the last couple of dot points sounding rather familiar~ XD

3. Being good enough and being loved

i find the concept of being "good enough" rather dubious. Enough for what? for whom? after all it is much of an expectation from self or others as what perfection is, and just as much, an effort-based approach to life. many times i also suspect it is a euphemism for a higher expectation of some kind of all-rounded perfectionism...
(this article highly amuses me. talking about delusions of unrealistic ideals...)
and i will now get to the hard bit: even if say our impression/standard/belief of being good enough is literally just "being good enough"--
at some stages in our lives, we will invariably fail even that.
i think in many of our minds, we do feel we need to be "good enough" in some ways, in order to be worthy of love.
but there will be that moment in your life, you look at yourself in dismay, wondering why you have allowed whatever happened to have happened, despite you being so good at it, and loathe yourself.
yes, we are now not good enough. For ourselves, for others, or both.
and then we try hard to fix the problem, internalising or externalising it, and we do/think/believe in all sorts of horrible things in advertent/inadvertent conscious/subconscious ways, in order to justify that we are indeed... still... worthy of love.
and when we can't really pull it through, we get depressed/anxious/low self-esteem/comfort eating (you know the rest...)
classic example would be the Cluster Bs - who lie/act out/hurt others/being bad in their desperate attempts to project their badness onto others so that they themselves can keep their fragile beliefs that they are still good enough, and hence worthy of love from others.
the horror however goes on, amongst the rest of us, in much more subtle ways perhaps.

and I think the inevitable human aging process is the best reminder that not only there is no road to perfection by human effort, but even our good enoughs will one day inevitably fail.
we have all seen various degrees of adaptive/maladaptive coping in ourselves and others on the spectrum of difficulty accepting this.

despite often being sabotaged by religiosity, the essence of the Christian faith is indeed the breaking down of this automatic faulty link between being good enough to being good enough for love.
we not only fail at God's perfect standard of perfection. we also fail at our own imperfect standard of good enoughs.
and us being loved, consistently and unconditionally, has nothing to do with our good enoughs or our failures at those, and everything to do with Jesus, and the cross.
Love has nothing to do with worthiness, or good enoughs.
Which includes how nice and meek you are to people, how self-disciplined you are in private life, how enthusiastically you serve at church, how passionately you delivered a sermon/bible study, how much of a good witness you've been at your workplace, how profound your understanding of theological principles are...
and the same goes, even if you fail at any or all of the above areas--
Love is still there, not one bit less.
and quite frankly, I am still struggling to believe and accept that, not only with my head, daily.

it wouldn't be right to claim these ideas as my own. I hijacked from many, and only in the past week, these couple of Mockingbird articles really moved me forward and allowed me to process my thoughts to this point.
Ash Wednesday
Not ideas about love but the thing itself

4. Now going insightless and tangential...

on a much lighter note i went to this last night with Sally and really really enjoyed it. the satisfaction from the realisation that i can now spend my hard-earned money on such beautiful matters of life (instead of useless masters program fees/exam fees/exam prep course fees/re-sitting exam fees if failing) was so great i almost started to suspect whether it was inappropriate/over-indulgent/sinful...

and as i am currently trying to find a cell group to join i do wonder if there happens to be one around thats not too caucasian but literature/museum/gallery/concert/opera/ballet loving...(please let me know!) LOL yes i know, i actually want a hobby/activity group and am paying no attention to importances of godliness blah blah (and racist too -_-|||)... but, as i cannot think of a single time in my life when i did things/wanted things without a self-seeking motive component, i guess i will just be straightforward and frank about it.

Silence

powerful words from this article once again came to mind:


...Apparently patients were brought before the piece in order to meditate on it as they died. The brothers were a quiet order, so no explanations were provided. There was no awkward chatter, no ‘sharing’, no halfhearted attempts to piously let God off the hook. There was just silence.


from Existential Modesty and the Death of Brittany Maynard


it has been a long week, in which I have witnessed too much awkward chatter, unhelpful "sharing", compulsive explanations, and half hearted attempts to be helpful or more so, to prove that one has been helpful in whatever words or actions one has administered.


...while I think what would have helped the most, is really just a bit of silence.


RIP


another colleague.

emotional salvation, and related other end of year musings

I am saving the sharing of this post till last just because it is so good... I've lost count how many times I nodded to the candid words throughout the article...

Lonely Ladies and Distracted Dudes

after a few years in the shrinkage I can certainly testify to such universal yearnings and the overall unsatisfactory nature of human relationships, witnessing misery to the point of despair with the lack of magic in general life and hence the inability for many to become "undepressed", ladies or dudes, single or partnered or married, nuclear family or extended, none spared. (gosh, do I really need to be so bleak?)

having spilled such harsh words, I guess it would be unfair if I do not admit to my own longstanding isolation and desperation, which annually more or less get a little bit worse over Christmas, and i more or less deal with it by taking up extra shifts on the seemingly altruistic ground that whoever has somewhere to go to celebrate Christmas should be given every opportunity to do so.

Christmas gatherings certainly do not fix existential problems as mentioned above... on the other hand, as "normal" human relationships more often than not end up unsatisfactory, many decide to then make their shrinks responsible for their emotional salvation.
this lands us in between a rock and a hard place.
we not only have our own isolation and desperation to deal with, there are also now these mission impossibles, and often, the pretence of emotional salvation when there is no such a thing, in order to keep people alive.
and fear in the most morbid kind of sense... that despite there be no surprise that sooner or later we fail, the consequences of our failures are often too dire.

my psychotherapist says a famous line year after year:
After every holiday i come back to be punished by my patients for having had a good time.

every time i hear him saying it thinking this is also going to be the story of my life to some extent for the rest of my life----

well, work in progress.
when i don't meltdown about such things anymore, maybe i will then be ready to become a consultant.

but yeh, in the meantime, everyone try a bit harder to tolerate your negative emotions a bit better.
and love yourselves a little bit more. :D
We can only try.

this weekend I did something I've been wanting to do for a little while -- reading Ecclesiastes in its entirety.
very different to reading it in snippets during daily devotions.
it made me laugh, and cry. gosh i loved the endless rant about meaninglessness, and found it very meaningful.

Happy 2015.

Sat morning rant

Just want to have a rant, and lets not make a rant more grandiose than what it is~ :P

I managed to sleep in this morning. can't remember the last time when this happened. the past few months have just been assessment after assessment of various kinds (most belong to some useless compulsory masters program), slotted in the middle of endless difficult patients, pathological team dynamics and occasional long on calls with unnecessary tedious jobs.

now, with that one last exam out of the way (which I didnt actually study for but which nevertheless still stressed me out), i think my chronic endorphin surge is finally coming down.

ever since that time my boss unknowingly commented that all religions are fantasies of the prolongation of life and "opiates of the masses" and I slammed the table and told him out of spite (in much more superficially meek and mild ways...lol)that I am actually religious, I've been waiting in some ill-founded paranoid fears that I will get persecuted at work for my beliefs.

I got my mid rotation feedback the other day and boss said:
You take on lots of responsibilities but know your own limitations at the same time. I hope all my registrars can work like that.

T_T...
more T_T....
very stoked.(and not persecuted at all) i think people are more gracious and professional than i've imagined them to be.
...though i have given myself bigger shoes to fill in the next few months... now without the endorphin surge. *chills* -_-||||

Here is a really good Sat morning reading. Grace in a Strip Bar Mark Galli is as sharp as usual.
and this will prob lead on to another shrinky rant.

I find "love your neighbour as yourself" a very misunderstood saying.
Contrary to popular beliefs, it is not a call to "love your neighbour more than yourself", nor is it "love your neighbour, and neglect loving yourself".
It operates on the condition that when you are capable of loving yourself, and then you are capable of loving your neighbours.

Most of us, sadly, don't love ourselves, and don't really have a clue how to.
The fact that we don't really love ourselves is a really really difficult thing to confront.
Self-seeking pursuits and manipulation for affection from others - stem not from a love of one's self, but from an incapability to do so.
Because I cannot convince myself that I am worthy of my own love, hence I rely heavily upon external evidences that I am loved by others, and in the temporary absence of which, I fall to pieces.

When we treat ourselves with contempt and a lack of love, we likely will treat our neighbours in the same way, as we wouldn't know any better.

In order to follow the first part of the command of loving your neighbour, the second part of loving yourself, cannot be dismissed.
Which I personally think, is the much harder part of the command.

well, enough shrinky stuff for a morning.
and I still haven't found the motivation or courage to clean out my chinese writing site.
what a pain. >.<

hard pressed on every side

tough day at work, difficult patient been difficult for months, exhausted, got unloaded with everybody else's anger + anxiety for decisions not made by me.

feeling hard pressed on every side, narcissistic injury +++, got home and thought i will go and check out my old writing site and see if any additional reader/comments to comfort myself.

...site got hacked, random inappropriate stuff added, then got locked.
now i don't even know how to retrieve my old stories and other ppl's comments etc...

now really hard pressed on every side.

欲哭无泪...T_T

well, listening to a nice chinese song to keep myself sane in this madness... more T_T...

the psychology of the unmerciful servant

i haven't been writing for a little while. in the meantime i've turned 30 (but sadly haven't mellowed out and in fact maybe even getting a bit worse -_-|||) and passed my exam. anyways, i've been wanting to write about this for some time now. I still cringe a bit when I think I am putting down something which will sound like "I know what is going on", and especially "I know what's going on from the Bible"... 囧 but now is probably a good time to spill things out...I think.

I remember a long time ago when I first read the parable of the unmerciful servant I thought the actions of servant really MADE LOTS OF SENSE. for years I was too embarrassed to admit it. after all I don't want disclosure that I am a ridiculously stone hearted unmerciful person myself... @.@

only this year I slowly started to understand why I thought he made so much sense, being on the receiving end of some very pragmatic gestures of mercy. for me I think why the unmerciful servant did what he did comes down to an inability to believe that he has well and truly been at the receiving end of mercy.
Just taking the parable on its own I am also in utter disbelief that the servant's debt has actually been cancelled by his master. Things too good to be true as a rule are not true.
how many times have the authority figures in our lives said one thing and did (or wanted) another? how many times have they in a moment of grandiosity did something nice only to change minds later?
and thinking about Asian parents who actually expect a payback of monstrous scale when they make any gestures of apparent mercy... all very unspoken and nebulous... and much more frightening.

out of disbelief, naturally he still wholeheartedly operated from his outdated end of the bargain.
"i will pay back everything."
with even more urgency.

despite not saying it, maybe paying back everything is what my master really is saying.
maybe thats what he really wanted.
maybe that will please him more.

it is extremely difficult to undo the automatic thoughts, most of which belongs to the subconscious realm. but the problem goes further than this.

the hope placed in something that is so beyond our control, and something that we are completely undeserving of, the subjection of ourselves to a state of utter powerlessness in front of our masters...
will make this a very very frightening experience.
With every hope there comes a possibility that the hope will be shattered and replaced by despair. The more this hope matters, the darker this despair will be, and the more intolerable the pain and fear thinking about it. The more one tries to deny and suppress the thoughts about such a possibility, the more it will come back to haunt us.
Coming from an unloved upbringing, and daily surviving in unloving environments, will make this battle, again, much harder to fight.

over the years i have heard numerous sermons on this parable that went along the lines of "you ungrateful bastards the punishment is coming unless you now put in the hard work and do ABCDE " in less crude and more church appropriate language, but I think what the master did in this parable really not a case of "I will cancel your debt on the following terms and conditions" but that "i have cancelled your debt unconditionally and now you do likewise".
yes for some of you there maybe appear to be no difference between the two.
but instead of paying back, this is a call to pay forward.
I have loved you thus. Now go and love likewise.

This really is not about the beating of oneself for holding grudges and now going and forgiving everyone by sheer willpower as it is the right thing to do.
The crux of the matter is actually how much you can emotionally trust and hope in your master's good character and the fact that his unconditional love is actually love, and not a dubious manipulation of some kind?
To the point of realisation that you are so loved and valued that all kinds of grudges/debts pale into insignificance.

There is much more to rant about this story but I will prob stop here. I must admit I find the emotional aspect of trust and hope with consistency, instead of a mere intellectualisation, against the fear of despair, still the worst struggle I have daily.

something less shrinky next time~ :p

Buying Grace

my very own Yaegashi-san has given me another mission (i am not yet done with exam yet---T_T and why do I have to refer to God by such a name...?)

i have now encountered the most challenging patient so far in my career. she is fascinating, and she will be around for a little while. i approach her daily with almost a bit of reverence... i think i am so morbid with fear about what may potentially happen I've consciously and subconsciously been trying in all kinds of ways buying grace from her. in a sense i am glad i still have the exam, so that my absorption and ruminations are not entirely about her. Just the day after i so positively reflected about speculating much less whether God will allow this and that happen for my future, i've since regressed to daily speculating about someone else's future and how much i will be held responsible for it.

i have so far prided myself in my ability to contain various dependence tendencies, but this time round, i am literally counting down the days to when i can have another session with my psychotherapist. just can't wait for an external ear to hear this story and give me some guidance. all this... while my own consultant is already one of the best in clinical judgements and taking responsibilities.

It takes that constant stepping back reminding myself of who's really in control... and that His grace couldn't be bought, and needn't be bought.
and yet, always, always, much more easily said than done.

This is wilderness for me. dears, please kindly pray.

Many monsters

watching Sugimura's stories I invariably end up curling up in a ball a bit. He fortunately is usually on during my pre-exam periods so my curling-up-into-a-ballness conveniently goes unnocticed. This time though, i managed to localise the problem by ep 3, I should be pleased with myself.

It's not an easy job, but I hope i can learn whatever I need from his sharp insights about human toxicity without taking on his overwhelming sense of helplessness.
*nod*
anyways, the paintings currently hanging in Sleeping Lotus are:

La Tour's The Cheat with the Ace of Clubs

 

William Blake's The red Dragon and the Woman clothed with the Sun

 

 

There is a line by Sugimura in ep 6 which almost startled me:

 

If you want to live life as a decent human being, then you won't be able to bear such heavy burdens. One day you will want to tell the truth. A lie always gets exposed, and a human can never be so strong to hold onto it. No matter what kind of Peter you are, Jesus always turns and looks straight at you. That is why we are not able to tolerate lies. Maybe some people don't sense Jesus next to them, and some others don't think they need Jesus at all--those people are probably in a true sense--fearless.

 

Amazed that such words can appear in a secular drama/book.

 

on a side note, i am all over the place these days with exam prep. professional knowledge poor, and too conscious of my speech all the time hence not going too well. work is intense too. i really wonder where i will be in a month time.

Given how things are going these days i seriously don't know, and probably am speculating much less, which is a good thing.



Peter's Funeral Procession

Saburo Sugimura-san is back.

 

I didn't expect him to return so quickly. After all the book was only out end of last year. My fingers still quiver a little thinking about how much "Somebody?" and "Nameless Poison" managed to mobilise in me last year. I really don't expect anything less from this sequel. Most interestingly it also has a Biblical theme this time round... As Sugimura and his wife stood in front of the Rembrandt and recounted the familiar story of Peter denying Christ, I really wondered how this story is going to unfold, and how it will come back to echo Peter's denial...

very very very intrigued... but as there is not yet a chinese translation to the book, I can't flip through the pages and find out the ending and now have to sit tight for the weekly episode in my impatient agitation... XD

on a more honest and uncomfortable note, i think i identify with Sugimura a lot... that despite being loved and blessed in many ways the awkward senses of being somewhat misfits where we are still linger on. not to say with our super sensitive antennas to the poisons of this world, despite coming across as meek and mild (and also very much wanting to be meek and mild) the things we think and say sometimes would utterly chill people to the bones no matter how nicely we put them...

so... let's do it again. back on the road of more self-discovery.
this time...a bit less frightened though, of the poisons around me, and of my own.

immensely touching ending theme, well suited.

The Grand Budapest Hotel... and related memories

so... i am still not good with english-speaking movies, but wasn't able to resist this one. XD before i plunged right into the sea of jap dramas and films and not making any plans to turn back, some of those familar actor names did manage to lay down some really fond memories.

when the lead actor is Ralph Fiennes i think i automatically expected something much richer and darker with much more depth... *sob* and then it turns out to be really nothing more than something that can be summarised as some good guy from the east declaring "my non-fickle heart longs for the west when i am in the west and although i've admired it for a lifetime i still very much don't get it"

... 囧

...and then some random writer and reader come along and get randomly excited. and then it turns out to be a random tribute to Stefan Zweig.（i will reserve my opinion on Zweig and his nostalgia. ）

anyways the not very inspiring movie aside... i did enjoy seeing the familiar faces, esp Ed Norton. i don't actually follow his movies cos i find half of his characters are really disturbing stuff and i don't really have the stomach for them... -_-|||||

but every time seeing him on screen brings back the fondest memories of Kingdom of Heaven and King Baldwin IV. Its been almost 10 years, but this quote of his I still love to bits. Now that I am a bit older, perhaps more so in its entirety:

＂When I was sixteen, I won a great victory. I felt in that moment I would live to be a hundred. Now I know I shall not see thirty. None of us know our end, really, or what hand will guide us there. A king may move a man, a father may claim a son, but that man can also move himself, and only then does that man truly begin his own game. Remember that howsoever you are played or by whom, your soul is in your keeping alone, even though those who presume to play you be kings or men of power. When you stand before God, you cannot say, "But I was told by others to do thus," or that virtue was not convenient at the time. This will not suffice. Remember that. ＂

I will remember that.

Sayonara Masha

Been thinking about this for a while now... (told you this is the 7 year itch~ lol)

Putting this in psychological terms is probably simpler, I no longer need Masha to serve the purpose of a psychological "mother", with all his acknowledgement of life's hardship.
I can be my own internal mother now in this regard.

There is still much to appreciate in what he said though. he recently commented about the lyrics of his new song:

After you write "you are not entirely powerless", the next line usually follows will be "the sun that brings us hope, will rise again".
but the sun is there, not really just for us.
when we say those are our rays of hope, it is just wishful thinking.
there is no way that the sun will just rise to bring us hope.
if you feel hopeful as you see sunrise, that's because you already have hope in your heart.
hence we need to try harder, with our own strength, stand on our two feet.

so brilliant.
but can i just say with your hyperrealistic views how did you manage to become a pop star in the first place??? T_T

It feels really good, to know that after 6 years, i've finally learnt what I need to learn from you.

And whatever you do, how many new songs you write, how many dirty jokes you crack during your radio show, whoever you marry, whether you end up breeding little mashas or not--
这世上有你真好。

now, i've been wondering what else i should do...
have been contemplating writing a fanfic again... OD... and Okita-san again. (and i want to do osces in Sep, gosh i think i must be going mad...)
last time i wrote something for her was 4 yrs ago... now my thoughts and perspectives are much different, i am kind of thrilled to know how she will turn out this time.
i think one day i will get to say goodbye to her too.

and end of the day, fanfics are always like playing with another person's imaginary friends. i do hope one day i can get to properly play with my own.
they have indeed come back... after losing them so often in the past year to the point i gave up wanting to actively call them back. after all unless i get an ABI, they can't be gone for good.

(the topic is going to get more psychotic, you might need to call the CATT team for me. :D)
my major imaginary friend has been vague for a couple of years now, while the minor ones one by one got sharpened with richness and clarity. I guess it was no surprise. for a long time he was conveniently the typical comic book hero who was silly and brainless on the surface but always ended up getting everything right.
then it became obvious i am really not interested to write about someone who gets everything right. and the question became: what could he have been?

i am understanding him a little bit more now, his command of his extraordinary powers, but also him confused and fearful, facing his own end.
i've been musing for years, why he compiled a book promoting filial piety, but then chose to die a lonely death, thousands of miles away from all his family. i think i am finally beginning to get it, but there is still much work to do.
and his best bits are not from my imagination but what came straight from the historical records - a friend of his recorded what he said to him during their catch-up, shortly before his last days.

"When I was young I used to place great values in friendships. Every time I leave a friend I would always feel sad for days. In recent years I came across some Buddhist sutras, and realised that Buddhists treat these emotions lightly. I have thus been trying my best to control my emotions in this aspect. Today saying goodbye to you, I somehow cannot suppress the sadness and longing from you leaving. There is really nothing I can do about it!"

yep, you are quite right. There is nothing you can do about it.
And there is nothing you should do about it.

i am more touched now reading these words comparing to when i first came across them 8 or 9 years ago. it's a loud slap, on the thousands of years of apathy ingrained in people's hearts by Buddhist and traditional Chinese philosophies.

700 years on, we still are fighting the same battles. we like to think we have moved on far and beyond, but we still are.

This is all starting to sound a bit quixotic. I guess i am still afraid that whatever i write now will not do the historical he any justice, hence all the ranting.
I still wait on Him to release my powers re: this.

Wendy It's You

watched this awesome drama this week. I will prob call it "Mosca", cos i dont know what its real name is (literal translation is "The Fly Woman in Love"). Going by the poster and the name... really not something i would watch for its own sake... -_-||||

but because this time watching OD and realising the actor who played Shinjo-sama was so good, I've been curiously exploring his other shows, and came across this one. (don't even know his name... let me check...Toshio Kakei...now i will remember *nod*)

it turned out to be the most touching drama i've watched in years. and its short, only 6 30min episodes but really carefully thought through. i seriously recommend it, esp watch it around the 29/30 year old mark, it recharges you.

SPOILERS AHEAD: over the years terminal illness dramas have become so vulgar i dont even want to hear about them. this one however made me cry for the whole of the last episode (even after reading the massive spoiler before I started)... and then burst out into laughter in the last 5min, and entirely not because the sadness of the story was denied or cast aside, very impressed.

and it did a parody of Masha which was hilarious~  i think thats one reason why i really identified with 小守絵美 but more her experiences too...

end of the day, i also was pulled from an insightless and silently despairing state, likened to the brink of death, back into life.
and God did the pulling, which made it infinitely awesome.

like the ending theme too, but more importantly, after this show, I won't be able to look at Nandos in the same way again... LOL

the last little bit about Sherlock... and Frozen, and morbid dreams

Why does fate play such tricks with poor, helpless worms? I never hear of such a case as this that I do not think of Baxter's words, and say, 'There, but for the grace of God, goes Sherlock Holmes.'.

I've read Sherlock ever since I was a kid, but it took me such a long while to realize he actually said this.
How very lovely! reminds me of James 4:15.
as to the contemporary godless cluster B bores... you are really not very cool in comparison.

now, I finally watched Frozen recently.
I really don't know what to say about those "church" accusations about it promoting yuri, and this other Christian article I read literally went into a panic and warned "letting it go like Elsa is dangerous!" and called audience to model themselves more on Anna's bravery and demonstration of love.

to be quite honest I don't know if the author has any insight that Anna also is the type of girl who's easy to spot in church, who loves and falls out of love passionately and brings a new boyfriend to service every 3 months and to the aunties' horrors it then turns out that a couple of them have never been Christians... then the gossips and feigned concerns start and before long people are plotting in what kind of longwinded passive ways they can get her to read a copy of "I kissed dating goodbye" because everyone is worried about the way how she's going...

I find the story so simply and deeply psychological if not spiritual. and if church leaders are thick enough to not use it to their advantages, well, tough luck. I truly think, the fact that Elsa and her song have been so popular is really because---
the concealment of our darker sides is well and truly a universal issue.
seriously you really don't need to be yuri to identify with it... -__-|||| it's more of a problem that some of us get stirred a little bit, but like to think we are all fixed and not concealing anything. in fact we just hide the dark stuff deeper, and attribute "let it go" to yuri or other kinds of inappropriateness.
No, just, not relevant to ourselves.

what is ironic though, is the fact that when Elsa sang "Let it go", she wasn't letting it go at all. Instead, she ran from the prisons others built for her only to establish a bigger prison of her own. Her initial letting go was but a sham.
Only later, her true liberation came about.
That first step, that desire to "let it go", however, was an essential step to this process.

I guess I only have myself to reflect upon. ever since the start of camhs middle last year the crumbling of external strongholds that  has previous held me has not stopped, and the rapidity of the process esp in the last couple of months has been beyond expectation. I've been feeling rather homeless, and stranded at sea. Lately I've been frightened to sleep as my frequent nightmares all had some sort of a morbid quality to it. yesterday I was staring at an XR of an elderly who swallowed a light bulb out of spite for everyone and the day before I was enthusiastically inviting my dead colleague to join us for study group... @.@
its like I've somehow switched on a horror channel and couldn't find a way to switch it off...

but at the very same time, it just came to me a few days ago, that I no longer hold my longstanding morbid and bleak outlook about life...
for some mysterious reason, never before in my life have I felt so happy about being alive.
Now that really is something different.

so, everything is a bit funny at the moment. I think I am perhaps at the stage desperately trying to build my own stronghold after losing the old external ones (despite knowing logically I don't need to) and haven't really sunken in His perfect love to do otherwise yet.
But He has taken me on this journey, and I trust He will finish the work.
In the meantime, I most likely will still take wrong turns and make mistakes.
but He will take me there.
and because of that, I am happy to stare and not cringe at my insomnia and morbid dreams, till the day He restores my rest.

I will end with Mark Galli. there are bits and pieces in his email newsletters which are simply glowing...

"The idea is that the more we ponder our sin, the more grateful we'll be for grace. I wonder, though, if it doesn't work the other way around: The more we ponder God's grace, the more we'll grasp the depth and darkness of sin.

For one thing, we won't have the courage to peer into the darkness within until we're assured that no matter how black the cave, God's light will still shine. For another, it is the inconceivable and unexpected nature of grace that suggests something must have really gone wrong for God incarnate to die in order to fix it.  "

the man of mercy

amazed by this:
Sherlock Holmes and the Problem of Evil
never before imagined Sherlock Holmes can be linked with such a theological position... *感动*

i think the problem really has been - while i complained with fervour about the ridiculous contemporary parodies, i myself havent flipped open the original canon in years.
to the point that when i first saw this quote below again, my immediate thought was "huh? is Sherlock actually capable of this??" 囧

“What is the meaning of it, Watson?” said Holmes, solemnly, as he laid down the paper. “What object is served by this circle of misery and violence and fear? It must tend to some end, or else our universe is ruled by chance, which is unthinkable. But what end? There is the great standing perennial problem to which human reason is as far from an answer as ever.”

and i end up loving the rose quote even more.

“There is nothing in which deduction is so necessary as in religion,” said he, leaning with his back against the shutters. “It can be built up as an exact science by the reasoner. Our highest assurance of the goodness of Providence seems to me to rest in the flowers. All other things, our powers, our desires, our food, are really necessary for our existence in the first instance. But this rose is an extra. Its smell and its colour are an embellishment of life, not a condition of it. It is only goodness which gives extras, and so I say again that we have much to hope from the flowers.”

a really genuine merciful kind of guy isn't he?
SO NOT Cluster B. (and i so want to highlight this and make it into a poster and hang it on the wall of whoever came up with the contemporary parodies *speechless*)

maybe i shouldn't be so critical. i need to go back to the books and refresh my memory too. :(

Sweet Dreams

I had a meltdown last week. It started off as hearing that one of my discharged patients had a single vehicle accident.  that same night I dreamt of another patient jumping off from a high building and as he hit the ground his blood and brain mush splattered all over me.

the next day I was meant to review and discharge the very patient who appeared in my graphic nightmare. I totally chickened out and couldn't bring myself to work and hid at home bawling my eyes out about the imaginary blood and cerebral tissue. I was somewhat surprised at how much self loathing I was capable of. it was almost like--

if a patient of mine goes ahead doing something of a single vehicle accident or the like, I feel I myself have utterly and absolutely fallen out of His grace.
In such a moment, it is as if He's never been there, punishing me for something very very terrible.

If I had any bits or threads of my senses left this notion would have come across as plainly ridiculous, but no, rational thoughts were probably all out of the window. and then later with swollen eyes and dehydration I felt even more guilty about my lack of faith for not being able to get to work etc.

maybe to a certain extent I could have blamed rapid mental state deterioration in such contexts on anxious departmental high powers habitually acopic with any risk issues or adverse events, or angry family's incriminating and suspicious stares at the coroners court, or inter-hospital colleague frustrated at extra work later in the day and vented by demanding to know why a whole range of random unnecessary tests were not done at the patient's last admission, or Buddhist parents who subconsciously delight in such occurrences and see these as best examples of karma to prove to me that they are right and I am wrong...

but, end of the day, acopic high powers, suspicious family, hard-driven colleague and karma-loving parents are all but mere projections of myself and the ungodly burdens I've collected over the years. in a way I almost felt God wanted to say to me:
"you really think I don't know what kind of person you are?"

So, I go back to that old difficult question. Is it really God who has broken my bones, or in fact I have been sadistically breaking my own bones and pulling my own guts out, and blaming it on God?

it's still a battle. one day He will let me work it out. not pulling my guts out for it now.

I went back to revise my favourite show for the past week for recovery. in recent years i've been following the movie sequels but havent rewatched the original 97 series for a while now.
i think OD is really something one loves more and more as one grows older, when I first watched it I found it so boring! lol It really grew on my over time and now even the minor characters and baddies have become so loveable~ :D
now that i am of the same age as Aoshima, and understand a bit more of the word "organisation", i think it has just become more special in many ways.

Aoshima-san, when i was young i was grandiose and delusional and thought that when i get to your age i would never be so silly and immature like you. thought i was going to be wise and make the right choices and avoid all your unnecessary troubles. how wrong i was. I am really no better, and there is so much more i can learn from your fighting spirit.
and your "事故体质" really comforts me. good to know I am not the only one.

Mashita-san, your unintentional humour and juvenile sleaziness brighten up my days.

Dear Sumire-san, I got palpitations this time watching your repeated contemplation to quit being a police. indeed, this is all so awfully hard. i think i am somewhat seeing myself in you.
but i shall not be distressed about this. as you looked so happy eating your kimchi 2min noodles, i felt very happy too eating my own.

Dear Muroi-san, the older I get the more beauty i see in you.  your clear eyes and furrowed brows spoke a thousand words and more. and when you softly said the words "this is all my responsibility." i just dream that one day you can be my boss and teach me your ways. *hearts*

Shinjo-sama, I am much better with mental states now. you are really not mean and nasty, just repressed. all those awkward looks as you said mean things really spoke of I-really-feel-for-you-and-I-prob-feel-the-same-if-I-am-you-but-i-really-don't-know-how-to-get-my-empathy-across-so-i-am-just-going-to-be-harsh-and-get-you-angry-at-me-and-hope-you-will-suffer-less-next-time.(really gd acting!) I don't want you as my boss. looking at you from the side is awesome enough. XD

and dearest Superintendent Okita, you are still my dream and my cup of tea. its getting harder these days in my world to come across a girl in high position so smart and spirited, insisting her ways and facing up to her mistakes rather than superficial meekness and apathetic passive aggression. definitely would do anything if I can work for you and see your beautiful smile (or angry face) everyday. *faints*

Now, that's sweet dreams. ^_^
and i am still not sick of Yuji Oda's theme song.
When I hear this playing, everyday is Christmas Day.

your shade at your right hand

A little over a year ago, a one-time colleague of mine died, although I can't say I knew him well. He was older than I am, much older, and his tenure at the college where I teach had ended many years earlier. The psalm he wanted read at his funeral was 121...

--The Professor's Death Song by James Calvin Schaap

I've been reading my favourite story again. This time round, these opening lines have also taken on much more personal relevance for me.
I've already heard Psalm 121 once in a funeral. I wonder how many more times would I hear it being read again in funerals?
and, at the end of the day, would I want it read at my own?  (I know, I am being morbid again)
Strangely, every time I read this story again, there is something new I can take home.

I've been working amongst a much more elderly population lately and in many ways I am frequently reminded of the professor, of the fragility, the fall, the sweet disposition, of stoicism and mantras to make everyday a beautiful day.

In fact their histories are often so vague that they resemble obituaries. even the medical histories are hardly ever complete. As I tried hard to find out from that sweetly smiling elderly man sitting across the room why on earth could he have diminishing renal function and ongoing hematuria without a past history, his daughter called eureka:
"yes! i remember he had this thing with his kidneys 30 years ago..."
with my own diminishing medical knowledge I never managed to find out what that "thing" with his kidney was. His GP 30 years ago almost certainly have long rested in his grave. My patient had a transient expression of slight annoyance as he really couldn't understand why I made such a fuss of nothing as he was feeling fine and surely his kidneys shouldn't cause anybody else so much trouble...
then he went back to smiling sweetly at me.

I could not recall how many psych histories I took lately which contained the following lines "happy childhood and upbringing" "very good marriage" "supportive children". it is almost as if unless they grew up in an orphanage or the husband/wife committed suicide or the children have SCZ themselves--
such are the only appropriate and right things to say.
when they were not able to smile so sweetly I looked at them in their pitiable prostrate states, with outpouring of tears which spoke of intense emotional pain. They were often greatly anguished that they had no idea why they were crying so much. They also invariably felt the strong need to reiterate to me multiple times through their tears that "there is really nothing in my life that I should be depressed about"---and I watched on as my consultant dispensed amounts of benzos which I was not entirely comfortable with--
I think I felt a similar anger to that felt by Prof Schaap as he heard his colleague's obituary.
There was so much in their lives that needed to be said, and acknowledged, which wasn't.

Just as how Prof Schaap came to a turning point in his thoughts when he heard the funeral preacher read Eugene Peterson, In a similar way, I think the Lord also wanted me to hear something to soothe my anger after all. some time ago some thoughts from a 前辈's blog reminded me of how Jesus spoke about the return of the unclean spirits:

When an impure spirit comes out of a person, it goes through arid places seeking rest and does not find it. Then it says, ‘I will return to the house I left.’ When it arrives, it finds the house unoccupied, swept clean and put in order. Then it goes and takes with it seven other spirits more wicked than itself, and they go in and live there. And the final condition of that person is worse than the first. That is how it will be with this wicked generation.  -Matthew 12: 43-45

I do not wish to go into the links of spiritual evils with mental turmoils but here I am merely drawing a parallel of things frightfully similar.
I am just amused that throughout the ages, there probably has not been a shortage of busybodies like myself.
and that inappropriate unsurfacing/cleansing of deep buried secrets and pains at inappropriate times (esp with busybodies barging in and prodding around--) would have similar disastrous consequences.

This is very convicting for me, but at the same time, liberating.
then I remembered, what Prof Schaap was really trying to say...almost paradoxically, with this story about his colleague, the devil in the details, and the death song.

no, my own experiences need not be compulsively generalized to others and it is not my call of duty to go around shaking secrets out of my poor patients' aging bones.
I am to have the confidence that He will indeed watch over their struggles as they carry on their hard work of dying. their brokenness and woes may one day securely go down with them to their graves, and then, to Him.
and at the very same time, i am not to shrink away when i am called to play a part in anyone's unravelling, trusting that He has prepared me(and will continue to do so), personally and professionally, enough for whatever arduous journeys ahead.
but most importantly, that regardless where we are at, He is and will always be our shade at the right hand. He will keep us from all evils and preserve our lives, for the sun not to harm us by day, nor the moon by night.
How He fulfills these promises for all who come to Him, in this wicked generation, remains a beautiful profound mystery to me.

I finally memorized Psalm 121, on the train on my way to the coroners. Heightened agitation i think really helped me coming to terms of the sheer weight of these words.
Though I really pray that in this season I can rejoice in the Lord more as He has commanded. quoting Mark Galli, less of this Brothers-Karamazov-brooding-making-me-feel-I'm-being-profound-business~ lol (have a feeling tho it will not completely go)
and pray I do not need to hit another point of utter desperation like training in to the coroners to love His words enough to memorize them.

Psalm 121

I lift up my eyes to the mountains—
    where does my help come from?
My help comes from the Lord,
    the Maker of heaven and earth.

He will not let your foot slip—
    he who watches over you will not slumber;
indeed, he who watches over Israel
    will neither slumber nor sleep.

The Lord watches over you—
    the Lord is your shade at your right hand;
the sun will not harm you by day,
    nor the moon by night.

The Lord will keep you from all harm—
    he will watch over your life;
 the Lord will watch over your coming and going
    both now and forevermore.

secrets in comics

this is the strangest saturday night reading I've had in a while...
my stomach now feels funny.
and my sinues are sore.

but in some ways I felt "led" to it, just like how I was led in recent weeks to multiple verses and writings about rejoicing in the Lord. (there is really no doubt now that this is the command for this season!)

From Serge Tisseron: Family Secrets and Social Memory in Les aventures de Tintin:

"But why did I embark on such an analysis, with what ulterior motives, and what hopes?"

"Tournesol's deafness is a way of saying that no one is guilty of having hidden anything from him since it is he himself who doesn't hear anything! Such a prohibition can turn a child into
an idiot, but it can also make him become a "scientist," i.e., someone who chooses to devote his life to the only line of work where searching for the truth is not only a recognized right, but even a duty: the pursuit of scientific knowledge. This way the child who is forbidden to search for the family truth can still preserve the idealized image of his parents along with the quest for truth that motivates him."

"And, as in a fairy tale, everything around it was also frozen, yet with the secret and mad hope that, someday, everything might be set in motion again-history, the ideology that went along with it, and
the hidden secret."

there are much more i want to say on this topic, so i may vent more in a few days time.
and if you are curious enough but can't find a way access the full article, PM me~ :)

misty lamps resemble a string of stars

while i waited around for my turn yesterday and had nowhere to go in a state of terminal agitation i went exhibition hopping.
i went through the asian art and script exhibit in melb uni, and then hopped on a tram and got to NGV, at one stage got a bit ambitious and hoped to get Piranesi from state library out of the way as well but no... someone or rather took pity on my waiting and let me have my turn in the arvo...

well when i got to ngv i realised with a bit of delight there was a free chinese art and calligraphy exhibit going on and managed to kill quite a bit of time there.
over the years i realised for me whether an exhibition is good or not depends not so much on the goodies they have but how well the captions/labelling were done. i still remember the time when Love and Devotion from state library and Napoleon from ngv were on at the same time and i totally did not enjoy Napoleon because the captions were so bland in comparison to Love and Devotion.

but labelling for this chinese exhibition were very very well done. the artworks were a bit obscure but what was written about them really brought out the best in them.

sorry about bad photography but i think such a caption makes any art piece mesmerising. I later tried to google the artist and his poem in chinese but i think he's so obscure (and really not much of a poet anyway) i just couldnt find it.
to be quite honest i dont think the original poem would have been that impressive. its the english translation that made the whole thing very very beautiful.

and i must confess i have never really been a fan of chinese art (and a majority of chinese poetry for that matter). that habitual romantic escapism so strongly present in whichever style makes any emotions they try to convey somewhat irrelevant to everyday life-
almost to the point of being nihilistic.

but i think it was that familiar sense of nihilism which acted as an anxiolytic for me and calmed me that morning.
i really entertained the thoughts that i just want to give up my career and pick up a history/language course somewhere and i really would love doing such a job translating nihilistic chinese poems and making them beautiful for museum exhibits for the rest of my life.

anyways on another note i managed to watch a couple of things today which i've always wanted to watch for the last little while.

Saint Oniisan


in one line this is about Jesus and Buddha taking a holiday in Japan and becoming roommates. i actually dont find the notion offensive at all. in fact when a secular artist paints a picture of religion in such a gentle humorous positive light, i think its really lovely.
though i did find the buddha bits slightly funnier than the Jesus bits. i suspect the author didnt know Christianity or Jesus that much more beyond the superficial to be able to make the bits funnier which is a pity.
but still Jesus from this story is so cute (~~>_<~~) - an anxious otakuish oniisan who loves watching all the evening jap dramas (and watches all the channels simultaneously in his omnipresence) and then promptly blogs all his drama reviews on the same night and gets a huge fan following...
awwwww~ can i have your blog link Jesus?~~~~ which dramas are you watching now?~~~~~  *sniffles + starry eyes x 1000*

and i finished watching August: Osage County. over recent years i hardly watch any western films but think the poster of this one just grabbed me.

i think it looks like one of those paintings from the romantic era. def getting the dvd.
the movie wasn't bad. lots of candid things brutally said and masterfully acted out. i just found julia roberts a bit weak towards the end. yes she was very good with the yelling and swearing, but wasnt great conveying the concluding strong and complex emotions via looks and facial expressions.
but BC was a delight, delievered his character with such steadiness and power. i still have very fond memories of him playing William Pitt in Amazing Grace, and his character this time brings back some of those fond memories and my respect for him as an actor. i am sorry, i just never managed to see him much as Sherlock... and Parade's End (and the praises BC sang for it) made me more speechless for quite some time...

anyways, end of the day i just want to say how much i enjoyed this movie reminded me of how much i love people -
all the horrendous pathetic monstrous bits of it.
so, i don't quite want to take off and go and translate nihilistic poems just yet.

Almost Human

(have already recorded this on my chinese blog but just want to say a bit more...)
a little while ago there was once i listened to Masha's CD in the car and found him very very annoying.
everything just became not right.

gosh the voice was so irritating.
sick and tired of all the songs.
such a horrid looking ojisan. (believe or not i never really found Masha really good looking. Fell for the character prof galileo first, then the lyrics and the meaningful things he said in the magazine interviews... then liked his songs, then liked his face... 囧)

just had enough. it was probably time for the 7 year itch, about time for it to end.
i switched him off, took the CD out, and listened to something else.

to be quite honest i even had a 7 yr itch thing with God during internship yr so this is hardly surprising.
its just these not too frequent moments of ill-founded malice usually catch me off guard and make me very uncomfortable.
whats wrong with me????

so~ you dears with children... if i in the future ever endeavour to enthuse your flesh and blood:
*aunty YN coming to bring you gorgeous little ones to the Melb Show~~*
think thrice before handing them over. (or at least double check first whether or not i've got a coroners case lined up)
seriously if this is what i can feel and think and say to the star i've literally idealised for the last 6 years(and someone I've always called role model/inspiration), God knows what i am capable of saying to defenseless little ones entrusted to my care~~~ -__-||||

anyways Masha's new album rescued me from myself. lol
there is this really touching song... with translation I've linked here.
but thats not it... the new album is titled "Human".
and he's used his own MRIB as its CD cover.
(*Angel! Angel! can you read the film for me and tell me if his brain has any special bits????* :D)

everytime just looking at the CD cover makes me wanting to sniffle more than a little.
over the years I think he just gets better with conveying meaningful messages with simplicity.
all the superficiality and embellishments and fake niceness torn down more and more.

end of the day, i think my ill-founded anger and malice even towards Masha... just shows I am very human.
and admitting to it and venting it all out, make me feel better.

so yeh, now waiting for Human to be released so I can buy it and play it day in and day out in the car. :D

normally when i am stressed out i put Keshin on replay to destress...
but i do want to be a bit considerate to long suffering friends and not put you through another run of bikini-clad ladies wearing rabbit headgear and dancing next to a squatting toilet (yes the summary itself is disturbing enough...)
when I make a resolve to admit to my anger and malice in more open and appropriate ways, I think i actually much more prefer some TLC from Hotaru...

Wakin Chau concert~

so, very laid back concert which catered for an aging (and aged) population. lots of singing without too much talking. there were definitely more than a few white haired ojisan/obasans I saw there.

and 周华健 was very warm, and down to earth. :D even though you knew he was just doing his thing the warmth just exuded~ kind of expected that, nothing surprising. ^_^

tho i was too shy to run to the front and take pictures of him on my phone~~~ :(

anyways, when he sang this song i was very excited~
too many childhood martial arts fantasies came along with that~ :D



and i compulsively sing this one every time i go to k~ *still makes me sniffle a little from time to time*  lol



now my biggest wish is to hear him one day sing this following song again live. *starry eyes*
he hasn't been singing it much in concerts lately but in recent years this has really become my favourite.
to be honest i still haven't figured out why i like it so much. i didnt like the original mulan tv series, and found the lyrics a bit cruel (for the guy and the girl as well), and the mv is kind of...silly... 囧
but there is really something special about it that kept on grabbing me~  maybe the music? also maybe him warmly singing the cruel lyrics that made it just right?